Dark Blue

Garrett

Sage's funeral was on a sunny Friday afternoon.

The day will forever be burned in my thoughts and haunting my deepest memories, and yet as it was happening, it was just a blur of faces and bodies draped in black. Only at night when I closed my eyes would the details emerge in perfect detail. I remember standing next to my family as one by one, friends, relatives, teachers, everyone came by and gave us their condolences.

Everyone was crying. Her classmates told stories. Her teachers admired her mind. Her boyfriend from throughout high school was there, sobbing to the point he couldn't speak. They had just broken up, but we all expected them to be back together come September. Now, that would never happen.

My band was there, too. I barely remember what they said to me, though. I just know they kept exchanging worried looks and asking if I needed anything. I was glad they were there though, even if like everyone else, they were just a blur.

My mother lost all sense of composure, and her face was a blotchy red color. My dad was silent as candy-sized tears rolled down his usually stoic face. Trey was stumbling quietly along, far from sober. I had seen him break into the liquor cabinet while everyone else was getting ready earlier that day. I almost joined him, but Mom had called me to help her with something before I had the chance. I felt so numb; for all the tears I shed the past week, none were coming now.

The grave yard was unbelievably crowded, and yet, one absence was glaringly obvious. Val was still in the ICU, still having troubles with staying conscious. Her doctor said he didn't expect to release her for at least another week. However, her parents were right beside my own, and the only ones keeping them going.

"Hey man, you alright?"

It had to be the millionth time I had heard that question, or one like it, within the past week, and I still didn't know how to answer it. The intentions were always good, but I couldn't bring myself to answer honestly. What was I supposed to say? Of course I was not fucking okay, that was my baby sister lying dead in the casket they just put in the ground?

I looked up at John, nodding blankly. "Yeah, thanks for being here bro."

He gave me a pitiful smile, clapping his hand on my shoulder. I'd been getting that look way too much for my liking. I began to understand what Val had been talking about in the hospital. There was no escaping it.

"We're all here for you, Gare. This shouldn't have happened to your family, or to her," he murmured, and I blinked.

"I'll meet up with you back at my house, I have to go get some air," I mumbled, pushing past him.

I could feel his eyes on me, and didn't blame him. But I was so thankful he didn't question it. I mean, it wasn't one of my better excuses; we were outside for god's sake. There were just things I couldn't take anymore. There were certain things people started saying, and if I heard one of them come from John's mouth, I don't know if I could've taken it.

I'm sorry.

It was her time.

It was God's will.

She's in a better place now.

She had a great life.

They made me want to scream, or fucking deck someone in the face. Sage was eighteen, with the world ahead of her. How was this fair? She hadn't even had a chance to really live, and now she was gone.

I could still see her laughing when she pulled a prank on Trey or me, crinkling her nose when I stole the remote from her, smiling as she watched the band play, dancing around her room with the music blaring...

None of this made sense. She was an honor roll student. She went to church on Sundays. She listened to Mom and Dad. She couldn't pass a donation box without throwing in as much money as she could. She volunteered at soup kitchens. She didn't smoke or drink or whore around. She loved her family and friends, and never said a bad word about anyone. She shouldn't be gone.

I wandered out of the cemetery and pulled my cigarettes from my pocket, fumbling with the lighter. Once I finally had it lit, it was no better. I took a few half-hearted drags, staring at the clear blue sky. Oh, the irony.

I dropped the butt and stubbed it out with the bottom of my shiny black dress shoes. I could see my reflection in them, and even to my own eyes I looked terrible. My eyes looked empty. I felt empty.

I forced myself to look away, seeking out my parents. They had enough on their minds without me wandering off. A ripple of pain moved over my body, and I shook it away, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"We're headed back to the house now," Mom whispered, sniffing as she wiped at her eyes. The makeup she'd carefully applied was streaming down her face. I nodded as my dad put his arm around her, whispering something in her ear.

I steadied Trey and led him to the car by his arm. He followed without much fuss, aside from almost tripping off the curb. I pursed my lips and sat restlessly beside him in the car. I felt out of place. I felt like I was in some other world. I didn't know how to get back from this place.

~*~

"What the hell are you doing here?"

The voice was hoarse, strained, and yet still managed to be demanding. I blinked a few times, leaning against the door frame. I opened and closed my mouth, but I was starting to see this was just a new, common occurrence. I didn't know how to answer any questions thrown my way anymore.

"Garrett, you look like a fish. Shut your mouth and answer the question. I mean, not at the same time, but you get the point!"

I'm pretty sure if she could've stomped her foot, she would've. However, judging from the way it was bandaged under the blankets, that wasn't happening any time soon. Still, her silver eyes watched me intently, and her eyebrows were raised as she waited expectantly. Even through all the gauze and bandages, her words still held power.

"I'm sorry, Val. I can go, if you want..." I finally sputtered out, half turning. I heard her sigh exasperatedly, and spun back to face her. I could feel my eyebrows furrowing together. God, she confused me.

"Come sit down," she said carefully, pointing to the chair next to her bed. I obliged wordlessly, and she nodded encouragingly. "Okay, now answer my question. What are you doing here?"

I couldn't meet her eyes. Instead, I looked at my hands, the cuffs of my stiff dress shirt, and my shiny black dress shoes I hadn't bothered to take off. I could still feel her gaze, heavy and wondering, boring into my skull.

"I couldn't do it anymore."

"What?"

"Sit there and just deal with the looks they were giving me. I feel like they're all treating me like I'm a bubble. It's like, they're holding their breath, waiting for me to pop."

I finally dared to look up, and her eyes were soft. I could feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes. Naturally, they'd found me yet again. Val shifted a bit on the bed, then winced in pain. I jumped to help her, but she waved me off.

"I know what you mean. I don't blame you," she murmured, reaching out to grab my hand. Her tiny, scratched, and bruised hand rested lightly on top of mine, and I wouldn't bring myself to move it. Instead, the first crystalline tear of the day flooded down my cheek.

"I don't know, I mean, I just couldn't. I had to get out of there," I explained, my voice rising a few octaves in hysteria.

"I get that. But why are you here with me?"

I held her gaze and took in a shaky breath. "Because, you understand. And you were here, alone. Really, you need the company and comfort just as much as I do."

She chuckled darkly, her translucent lavender eyelids fluttering over her irises. For a second, she was so still I almost called in a nurse. But then, she let out a sigh, her whole body heaving with the effort.

"Thanks," she choked out, and for the first time, I realized she was crying, too. "I can't believe I missed my best friend's fucking funeral. I mean, come on, what kind of a friend does that?"

I was so stunned for a moment, I had to blink and rearrange my thoughts. "Val, it's not your fault. I think Sage would understand."

"Yeah, but you don't get it, Garrett. I was in the stupid car. I was right there next to her, and I couldn't save her! Hell, I couldn't even go to her own damn funeral! I'm stuck in this fucking bed like some vegetable! I'm useless lying here. I didn't get to go and tell all those people how great she was! I didn't get to say goodbye!"

Her mangled sobs echoed in the white, sterile room. I grabbed her hand tighter in mine, rising from the chair and sitting carefully next to her on the bed, watching for the multiple IV's and tubes running from her.

"Hey," I said softly, and when she didn't respond, I stroked her cheek gently. "C'mon Valentine."

She slowly opened her eyes, which were red and watery. "What?"

"Sage loved you like family. And she knew you love her. I mean, if she saw you like this, she'd slap you."

Val was silent for a few minutes, her eyes searching mine. Finally she inhaled deeply and cocked an eyebrow. "Same goes for you, Garrett. She'd kick your ass right now if she saw all this wallowing in pity."

It was in that moment, with tears running down both of our cheeks drowning in so much misery that I realized it. She understood. She wasn't going to take any of my self pity. I wasn't alone in this catastrophic mess.