Dark Blue

Valentine

"You're crazy," Garrett announced, his knuckles white against the steering wheel. He hadn't even started the car yet. I looked at him and raised an eyebrow, and he shook his head.

"I don't care. The doctors and shrinks may agree with you, but I don't," I shrugged, and then winced from the pain. I really hoped he didn't notice.

"I'm not doing this," he said, a note of determination in his voice. "You're not doing this. I won't do this."

"Fine, I'll walk," I countered, my hand traveling to the door. As soon as my fingers grazed the handle, the locks quickly shot down, and I glared at him.

"Mature." Oh, okay, like I was one to talk. But I'd be damned if he was gonna stop me from this.

"You just got out of the hospital!" he argued. "This is an awful idea Val. Honestly." I could tell he was trying his best not to yell. I, on the other hand, made no such attempts.

"Look, I don't care what you or anyone else thinks or says! I'm doing this, with or without your help!"

I could feel my teeth grind together as my jaw set. He ran a hand through his hair, letting out a shaky sigh. Being crippled, bruised, and broken would not stop me, and I could tell from the annoyance in his face he knew it.

"Okay, I'll take you," he caved, starting the engine. I shrunk into the seat, fiddling nervously with the cast on my arm.

"Thank you," I whispered, closing my eyes.

The doctor had said I might have problems with being in cars again, but it had sounded so utterly ridiculous when he said it, I had disregarded it completely. Now, I was starting to see maybe that wasn't such a great idea. I balled my hands into fists, allowing my nails to dig into my palms. I could feel my uneven breathing, and just prayed to God Garrett wouldn't change his mind.

I could do this. I had to do this.

Garrett didn't say much at all. I knew he didn't like this idea in the least bit. The only noise was the purr of the engine and the quiet static of the radio. I remembered Sage had broken it before he'd left on tour. It wasn't doing anything for the sudden anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I tugged on the hem of my shorts once my palms couldn't take the pain anymore.

"Okay, we're he- Hey, are you okay?"

I pried my eyes opened and gave a half-hearted nod. I took a deep breath, my shaking hands fumbling with the seat belt.

"Here, let me," Garrett murmured, reaching over and clicking the release. I felt even stupider, and my frown deepened.

"I could've got it," I snapped weakly, pushing my door open.

"Do you want me to just...wait here?"

I stopped in my tracks, really taking a close look at him. His hair was a mess, his eyes were bloodshot and ringed in a purple-gray, like he hadn't slept in weeks. To top it off, his flannel was buttoned up wrong. I suddenly realized how I must have looked to him; probably pretty damn similar. I gave a small, knowing smile, and felt like an ass for snapping at him.

"Yeah. I'll only be a little while," I assured him, closing the door gently as I stumbled out.

Garrett had been right, naturally, when he told me this was a stupid idea. My whole body ached, and quite frankly, it was painful as hell to walk with my broken ribs. I didn't even really know how I was managing. Even with the pain medication they had forced upon me, it hurt like a bitch.

I was relieved when I finally saw exactly what I had been looking for. I carefully lowered myself to the ground, which lessened the pain in my ribs a little bit. I gnawed on my lip, trying to think of where to start.

My eyes grazed over the beautiful, glossy black stone sticking from the emerald green grass. Wilting flowers surrounded it, and my good arm lifted from my side to trace the engraving in it.

Sage Elizabeth Nickelsen
October 9, 1993 - August 11, 2012
Grace was in all her steps,
heaven in her eye,
in every gesture dignity and love

I could feel the tears building behind my eyes, but I wasn't ready for them. Not yet. I stifled a sob and closed my eyes, raising my face to the sky. As I heard my hoarse, raspy voice, the tears spilled out.

"Hey, chica. I'm sorry it took me so long to get here. I'm sorry I wasn't here for your funeral, I feel terrible. I...uh...oh gosh, there's so much I have to say, and I just don't know how I'm going to say it, but here we go. I'm a mess, Sage, and I know if you were here, you'd tell me to pull myself together, but you aren't, so you can't!

"I just still don't believe this is happening. For the past two weeks, I woke up and reached for my phone, expecting to see some goofy message from you, telling me about your breakfast or to get my ass over there and make you some coffee, because you could never do it right. Only that didn't happen. No matter how hard I wished it would or how convinced I was, I was still stuck in the hospital, and you were still...still...

"I can't even fucking say it! You're gone, Sage! It wasn't supposed to be like this! We were supposed to go to college together and be roommates! I'm never gonna get to go to your wedding, or be your baby's godmother and spoil that child rotten. God, you were gonna be my maid of honor, and keep me from passing out when I walked down the aisle.

"Who am I gonna call at midnight when I don't have a clue what's going on with anything? Who's gonna talk with me for hours about stupid shit? Who's gonna explain football to me during the games I still insist on going to? Who's gonna be my future children's godmother and favorite 'aunt?' You're my best friend Sage. I don't know how I can ever get over this!"

I couldn't see straight from the water clouding my vision. My shoulders heaved painfully with each wretched sob. I sniffled and took a big, shaky breath, gripping at the grass. It almost felt like if I wasn't holding onto something, I would slip away completely.

"Gosh, everything so fucked up now. Garrett's a wreck, Trey's a wreck, your parents...gosh, I can't even look them in the eyes. I mean, I was at that movie with you, and now you're gone and I'm still here. I feel so damn guilty! You should be here right now. If anything, I wish it could've been me instead.

"I wish I could've done something. I wish I hadn't insisted we see that movie. I wish I could've taken another minute or two to leave the theater. I wish you weren't gone. But none of my wishes are gonna change anything! And I hate that so fucking bad!

"You were the best person I know, Sage, and I know somewhere in heaven you're rolling your eyes, but it's true. I know they say things happen for a reason, but I can't find one in this. You shouldn't be gone. I miss you so much, and that hurts more than any of these cuts and broken bones. Sure, the breaks will heal and the cuts will scab over, but there's this hole in my heart that's never gonna be fixed.

"Gosh, I'm a wreck. I didn't even mean to say half of that. I always do ramble when I'm upset, huh?"

I don't know why I thought I'd get an answer, but I pawed at my face, trying to dry some of the tears. "Anyway, I came here to tell you I love you, Sage, and I miss you. And I'm never gonna forget you."

I placed a hand on the smooth, rounded part of the tombstone, slowly and quickly pressing my lips against it before struggling to my feet. It was easier said than done. My good arm wrapped around my ribs like an additional bandage, and I awkwardly switched from kneeling to standing without falling completely over.

"I'll be back soon," I promised, managing a pretty pathetic smile.

I turned hesitantly in the direction of the car, and my eyebrows furrowed as I saw a familiar figure approaching. By his face, he was equally as surprised to see me. I advanced toward him, my head tilted curiously.

"Hey Jax. I didn't think I'd see anyone else out here," I admitted. We were stopped in the middle of the path, avoiding each others eyes.

"I didn't know you were out of the hospital," Jax responded, his hands shoved into his pockets.

I cautiously lifted my eyes to his hazel ones, examining the swollen redness that had taken them over. His shaggy blond hair was disheveled, and I knew he was in the same boat as Garrett and me. My expression immediately softened.

"I just got out today, actually. I needed to talk to her before I did anything else, ya know?" I could feel my cheeks turning pink with embarrassment as I admitted it, but Jax just nodded, finally meeting my gaze.

"I've been out here every day since the funeral. I just can't..."

"Yeah, I know." There was a small pause, and I bit my lip. "I'm really sorry, Jax. I hate how overused it is, but I am. I really thought you guys would work things out. She really loved you, and she knew you loved her back. She never stopped talking about you."

His eyes welled with water, and I was worried I said the wrong thing until he hugged me. It was careful and clumsy as he tried to avoid my bulky casts and bandages, and once I finally got over the shock, I managed to hug him back.

"Thanks, Val," he whispered, pulling away and wiping his eyes. "Did they tell you that they buried her with the necklace I gave her? Her parents told me they thought it belonged with her forever."

"No."

"Then they probably didn't tell you she was wearing that friendship bracelet you gave her either."

My heart stopped and my eyes widened a bit, automatically traveling to my exposed ankle, where mine was tied tightly, the ends fraying.

"She never took that thing off, ever. The funeral director wanted to cut it off because of how ratty it was, but her parents wouldn't let him."

"We traded these in sixth grade. I can't believe they never broke off..." I mumbled, amazed. I was even more amazed that Mr. and Mrs. Nickelsen had demanded it stayed with her. The silence enveloped us once more as I felt my eyes watering over again.

"I love her, and I'm positive that's never gonna change. She was just so..." he trailed off, looking for the right word.

"Sage," I finished for him. A crooked smile tugged at his lips, which immediately changed his whole face.

"Yeah."

"Listen, Jax, if you ever need anything, or need to talk, don't be afraid to call me. Sage wouldn't have wanted you alone in this catastrophic mess."

"Thanks, Val. Maybe I will."

He gave me one last sad grin before continuing on the path towards her grave. I continued on the path, but in the opposite direction, back towards Garrett.