Dark Blue

Valentine

I thrashed around my bed painfully, my eyes flying open at the sound of my cellphone ringing obnoxiously. The caller ID lit up my dark bedroom and I reached for it with my good arm and flipped it open just to stop the noise. I poised it between my shoulder and my chin doing so, allowing myself to rub my eyes. They didn't have the energy to stay open, it seemed.

"Hello?" I answered groggily, my voice still strained from the nightmare I had.

"Hey," a male voice answered. I suddenly felt very awake as I searched for my clock. It was well past midnight.

"Garrett, is everything alright?" I asked, suddenly really worried. Ever since the accident, I had become increasingly anxious and paranoid all the time. The doctors said it was totally normal following trauma like mine and that it would pass eventually. I seriously doubted it.

I grimaced as I swung my legs over the edge of my bed, prepared to spring into action if needed. I bit my lip to muffle my pained groans and tried to let my eyes adjust to the darkness. Garrett cursed a few times under his breath, further worrying me.

"Shit. I'm sorry Val, I didn't mean to wake you up," he apologized, and I breathed a little easier. "Did you have to get up to answer my call? You should be lying down. So if I made you get up, go lie down, right now!"

He was rambling. In a normal situation, it would've been slightly humorous, but right now, I was still panicking.

"Is everything alright?" I repeated, struggling to keep my voice much more calm now.

"Yeah, everything's totally fine," he assured me. I pulled my legs back on the bed with a sigh of relief, exhausted by all of the sudden effort. "I just didn't exactly know what to do, and I needed to talk to someone, and I- I just don't really know."

"Take a breath and start from the beginning, kay?" I suggested, my voice soft as I tried to find a painless way to lie back down. Broken ribs sucked.

I stared up at the shadows the windows were casting on my ceiling. When I was a little girl, they had always seemed like the scariest things in the world. Now, not so much. They were the least of my worries.

"Well, the first night of our tour was tonight. We actually just got back on the bus like, five minutes ago," he started, and I could just picture him sitting on a bunk, running his fingers through his hair.

"Yeah, your mom mentioned something about it to my mom when she was over there a few days ago," I recalled and Garrett was quiet for a few moments.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you myself, it's just, the whole thing was so last minute, and-"

"Garrett, it's totally fine," I cut him off. "I mean, I get it."

"You do?"

"Yes. If I could get up and just take off for awhile, I would do it in a heart beat, no second thoughts about it."

"Really?"

"Everything around here just reminds me of the accident and Sage. I mean, it would be nice to forget for just a few moments."

He seemed to take a few minutes to think about what I said. I nibbled on my lip, trying to get my breathing to return to a normal pace.

"That's why I called you," he said so quietly, I almost didn't understand him.

"You called me to forget about everything? I don't exactly get your logic there... I mean, I was kinda at the epicenter of the whole damn thing..."

"No, not to forget." I could almost here a dark chuckle in his voice. "See, I had this tradition with Sage, I don't even remember why it started, but it was just the way it was. After every concert, I'd call her and let her know all about it. It didn't matter what time it was or if she had school the next morning."

He stopped, and I could hear him gulp. I knew he wasn't finished yet, so I kept my mouth shut. I remembered part of this now that he said it. I had been with Sage on more than one of the nights he called. She would always stop whatever it was we were doing and leave the room, her whole face lit up like a star.

"After the show tonight, I was so pumped and still on an energy high. I pulled out my phone, and had her number dialed in from heart. I sat there while the phone rang and rang, and it wasn't until the fourth ring that I remembered. I felt like such a fucking idiot for forgetting in the first place. Even then, I couldn't bring myself to hang up.

"I sat there and listened to her voice mail, and god it sounded just like her. I could see her sitting in her room laughing as she made that recording. And all I could think of was that she was gone, and I hadn't been there for her." His voice was thick, and I could tell he was on the verge of tears. It broke my heart.

"Garrett, there was no way you could've been at that intersection," I pointed out quietly.

"Not just then! Dammit, I was always gone on tours or recording. I was gone half the fucking time, all the time. She deserved so much more of a big brother. I was supposed to protect her and be there for her. Where the fuck was I? I missed so much time, and I can never get any of it back or make it up to her now."

I could hear the torment in his voice, and I wished more than anything I could reach out and just hug him, but there was more than one thing preventing that. I swallowed the tears rising in my own throat and attempted to sit up against my pillows.

"Hey, don't say that," I commanded gently.

"Why? It's the truth."

"No, it's not. Garrett, Sage loved you so much. She knew that music was your passion in life. That girl looked up to you, and she admired you for doing the thing you loved, no matter what. She knew that you loved her, and that you were always on her side."

"But-"

"Sage looked forward to your calls. I was with her on more than one occasion, and it made her whole week. She loved hearing about your tours. She loved talking to you. If she knew what you were saying right now, I think she'd come back and kick your ass, because she knew it was your dream. She would never hold any of that against you."

I took a deep breath, shaking my head a bit as my words sunk into Garrett's head. I heard his breaths become even, and eventually, he sighed. I wondered if the others were sleeping and how he'd managed to find a secluded area. I had to keep my mind wandering to give him enough time to come to terms with what I had said. I mean, I knew exactly where he was coming from.

"Thank you," he whispered, and I bit my lip and allowed my eyelids to droop shut again.

"You don't have to thank me for anything," I brushed it off, but Garrett protested.

"Yes, I do. I mean, I don't know what I'd be doing if it weren't for you. Talking to you reminds me of how great Sage was, and not just that she's gone like with everyone else. I mean, most people avoid me or sputter out condolences, but you don't put up with any of my shit. You just tell me exactly how it is and how pathetic I'm being."

"I have never called you pathetic!" I said defensively, and he chuckled, even if it didn't sound authentic.

"Never straight out. But we both know you've thought it," he teased, and I rolled my eyes.

"Really, though, I don't. I mean, like I said before. I get it. She was here and she wasn't, and we're just left in the aftermath, trying to make sense of everything."

"I don't know how you do it, Val."

"Do what?"

"Get up every morning and face the world. I mean, you know how much of a mess I've been. But it's like you have it all together."

It was my turn to laugh. "Garrett, I'm far from together. I'm a wreck."

"It doesn't look that way."

I sighed, moving my other arm so my cast was resting over my eyes. It didn't help much, so I quickly moved it somewhere else on the bed.

"It's easier to pretend to be okay. People leave you alone then. I mean, they always mean well, but there comes a point where if I hear one more 'sorry' I'm just gonna-"

"Scream or deck someone in the face?" he finished for me, and I smiled.

"Exactly. But really, on the inside, I don't have it together at all. I mean, every time I close my eyes I'm back in her car, watching it happen all over again. The doctors keep telling me how lucky I am and how I'm gonna be okay, but they're wrong. I'm never gonna be able to unsee that night," I confessed. My voice cracked, and I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears.

"I'd say sorry, but then I'd have to punch myself in the face..." Garrett offered, and I giggled a little bit.

"I appreciate it."

"Well, how about this. We can just go on being not okay together," he offered.

"That sounds good to me."

"Good."

"Now then, if you're up to it, why don't you tell me all about your concert tonight, Mister. And you better not leave anything out."

"Alright," he agreed, and for the first time since I answered the phone, I could hear the hint of a smile in his voice.