Therapy

If I fell from this height…
...would I feel the pavement on impact?

Looking over the edge of the roof I watched the people below walk about their daily lives. Each person carrying their own worries and problems, but not showing them to complete strangers. I wonder if Sidney thinks like this when she looks over the edge. Now that I think of it I hate it when she balances herself on the ledge of the building. The idea of her slipping and falling over terrifies me; the thought of losing her terrifies me. Sometimes I wonder if she knows that.

Flicking my cigarette off the roof I walked back to the door to go back inside. My parents called me today, well actually Rico called me on their behalf, to tell me that I was to meet them for lunch. The mere call from them is baffling in itself, but to follow up with wanting lunch is like entering a parallel universe. What do they want with me? As far as I understand I was disowned when they gave me the boot. Just thinking about my parents brings back memories of when they kicked me out, well when my dad kicked me out.

”Get the hell out of my house!” my dad yelled at me as I sat in the kitchen chair. My buzz dying as his voice grew loud with his rising temper. “I don’t want to see you around here ever again. You’re the biggest disappoint in my life!”

His words didn’t faze me one bit, his words barely had my attention as most of it was on mom. She stood behind my dad crying her eyes out with her blonde hair messy falling over her face. The thought of losing her second baby was breaking that big nurturing heart of hers, but my dad could care less. He was more focused on how seven year old Bailey got ahold of my stash of Mary Jane in my room.

I looked away from my weeping mother to see Rico peeking in from the kitchen entrance watching his older brother get chewed out. If anyone’s to blame it’s Rico, he was supposed to be watching Bailey. Suddenly my head snapped to the right as my left cheek throbbed, “Listen to me when I talk to you,” my dad growled with his hand still in the air.

“Benjamin!” my mom yelled as I stood up.

“Fuck this I’m leaving,” I said and left the room with my parents yelling at me to come back. Why should I go back? To get cussed out? Smacked again? Like hell I’m going back. Jogging up the stairs I went to my room, threw the door open and started collecting my things.

“Don’t go Dakota,” I heard Rico behind me and I turned to look at him. The thirteen year old stood in the doorway with Bailey behind him. Her curly black hair tied back in a ponytail as she held her stuffed bunny. “I’ll talk to dad.”

Shaking my head I zipped up my duffle bag and through it over my shoulder, “Too late,” I said and walked over to them bending over to Bailey’s height, “bye Bebe.” I kissed her forehead and headed down the stairs. My mom was in front of the door blocking my way out as I walked in front of her. Tears rolled down her face as she refused to let me through, her green eyes glassy with tears, “move mom.”

She shook her head as I sighed listening to the footsteps running down the stairs, “Don’t go!” I heard Baily yell before latching on to me. Slowly I could feel her tears wet the right side of my jeans while her small hands tried to get a good grip on the fabric. “Stay here.”

“Let him go,” my dad’s deep voice said from behind me. Looking in his direction I shot him a dirty look before he came up to me and ripped Bailey off me, “move Rachel,” he said to mom, but she didn't move. With a disgruntle expression my dad grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the door. “Leave. Now.”

I chuckled and looked at him with judgmental eyes, “This is the second time you've thrown out a kid,” I smirked, “you must suck at being a father.” His eyes widen with some kind of realization as I slammed the door on my way out. Once outside I walked down the street for a while before calling my older brother.

That was two years ago when I was fifteen and luckily Marcus, my older brother, is letting me live in his apartment. Though he no longer lives here cause he’s on some base in California taking orders from men in green uniforms, he still writes and sends me money. He’s the reason I’m still in school and live in his apartment. Halfway across the country and he still pays my bills.

Jogging down the stairs to the main floor I fixed my jacket as I walked out of the apartment building. The crisp air turned my breath into a cloud of white mist as I buried my hands in my jacket pockets. February was unusually colder this year making my walk to the restaurant even less enjoyable, then again the people I’m meeting aren’t exactly making me jump with joy. Walking down the street it didn’t take me long to get to the restaurant, it was pretty close to where I live. Though when I got there a part of me was terrified to see my dad again. The old man hasn’t contacted me in two years, and all the times when I saw him pick up Rico from school he either looked away or shot me a dirty look. At least when mom sees me she waves and gives me a sad smile, something dad probably can’t do if his life depended on it. Standing outside the restaurant I could feel my nerves get all worked up and my hands itched to reach my cigarettes and lighter.

With a deep breath I walked in and was greeted by a woman, “May I help you?”*

“Yeah I’m meeting some people here.” I said looking around while I defrost from the walk.

“Under what name?” deadbeat father. I thought.

“Westmore,” she nodded and told me to follow her. Walking past other costumers as they ate I felt my stomach drop when I saw my parents. My mom’s face seemed to lighten up at my presence, but the dark cloud around my dad kind of made my approach to the table slow down. Slowly and almost painfully I finally stood at the table making my mom smile. She stood up engulfing me in hugs and kisses while my dad remained seated.

Breaking apart I sat down across from my dad as my mom took the seat next to him, “I’ve missed you so much,” she gushed.

“That makes one of you,” I said and she gasped.

“Dakota,” her tone was reprimanding, but I don’t care.

I shrugged, “just stating a fact.”

“If we’re going to be stating facts,” my dad finally broke his silence, “Since when did you get those piercings and tattoos?” his eyes harden as I ran my tongue along the inside of my lip hitting the back of the studs.

“It was my sixteenth birthday present to me.”

“Don’t you need parental consent?” he questioned me as well as narrowed his eyes.

I rolled my eyes, “What I needed was guardian consent. Something I got when I had the work done on me,” to be honest I had tricked Marcus into signing the papers back then. Boy was he mad when I came home.

“Honey, what does it say here?” my mom pointed to her chest and I looked down to see where my ink was peeking out.

“Ago ut memor. Memo rut alieno,” they gave me funny looks as I read the Latin words, “live to remember. Remember to forget,” I explained and my mom nodded. We then fell in pregnant silence until the waiter came by set down the drinks. Apparently my mom order for me before I arrived. The waiter then asked for our orders and my parents went first, but when it came to me I said I wasn’t eating and sent the guy away. “What? I’m not staying here forever to eat.” I don’t want them paying for me, I don’t want their money anymore. I’ve went two years without it, why would I want it now.

“You should eat something,” mom said as I took a drink of my Pepsi.

“Don’t need to. Got a frozen pizza at home with my name on it,” actually it’s a cup if ramen, but they don’t have to know that. Once again it had gotten quiet making me uncomfortable in my seat, “So… how’s Bailey?” I asked breaking the silence.

“She’s fine,” my mom said. Of course she doesn’t go into detail, why tell me how my sister’s doing when it’s well known I’m not allowed to see her. But okay, fine, if I want to find out more information I can just text Rico.

I nodded as the food was sat down in front of them, “Why’d you have Rico call me? What do we need to talk about?” I decided to finally cut to the chase. With us sitting in silence the tension in the air is becoming so thick you’d need a chainsaw to hack through it.

My mom froze as my dad cleared his throat, “We’ve heard some rather… upsetting news.” I glance back at mom but she kept her focused on the food. “From what we hear you’re in a relationship with a fifteen year old,” he paused locking eyes with me, “is this true?” I didn’t answer. What can I say? Yeah, my best friend is a fifteen year old girl. He would be pissed kind of like now, besides he doesn’t have a say in my life anymore. It’s not like he can do anything, “You can’t be serious Dakota. She’s young enough to be your sister; she’s the same age as Rico.” I rolled my eyes. Of course he’s taking this the wrong way, Sidney’s only a friend, well at least that’s what I tell myself. She’s more, but what she wants is clearly just ‘friends,’ and that’s been established since the drunken mishap I had.

Refocusing on my dad I narrowed my eyes at him, “My business is my business.”

“You will not embarrass me anymore,” he growled.

“Embarrass you?” he remained stone face and I scoffed pulling out my wallet and dropping a five dollar bill, “for my drink.”

“You don’t need to give us money,” mom finally spoke.

Standing up I pulled a cigarette out and rolled it in my fingers, “Aren’t you embarrassed?” I asked pointing the stick at her, “having a husband that kicked out his two eldest sons?” she remained silent as I turned to my dad, “and you. Remember when you told Marcus he could never amount to anything? Well guess what, you’re good for nothing son is halfway across the country being the best damn marine sniper there is. And even though he’s gone he sends me money for everything I need, something you never did. If anyone is to be embarrassed it’s me.”

His grey eyes turned stone cold, “Such a heartless child,” for the first time in years my dad’s words stung, “I bet there isn’t a compassionate bone in that disgraceful body of yours.” I felt a sharp pain in my chest as he spoke, “Look at you. You’re probably hollow inside because your rotten outlook on life ate away at you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you never felt happiness, love, or any other kind of positive emotion.” Love, such a taboo word that digs deep in me, “and that young girl,” I perked as he began to talk about Sid. “You will never be anything to her. I bet anything all you are is just a phase to her. That little window of rebellion at her age. You wait and see, one day she will wake up and leave you all alone cause you aren’t worth it.”

My heart just dropped. Sidney leaving me?

“You don’t kno- “

“Oh I know she will,” he cut me off, “if she’s smart she’ll leave you soon, if she already hasn’t.” I thought of how I haven’t heard from her in days, how she hasn’t answered my messages, called me back, or stopped by the apartment. “She has hasn’t she?” A smug look came over his face, “you are incapable of being loved.”

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I left.

Quickly lighting my cigarette when I made it outside the restaurant I took a long drag before texting Sidney.

12:30 P.M.
To: Sidney
Call me Sidney. Its important

Slipping my cell in my pocket and started walking back to the apartment waiting to hear the chime of my cell, but nothing happened. There was no noise from the phone and it crushed my heart. Why won’t she call me? the thought danced around in my head as I approached my building. A blonde boy stood outside the entrance looking around before he spotted me. He stopped in front of me and watched me with green eyes; they were even darker than mine.

“Are you Dakota?” he asked and I shrugged.

“Yeah,” once I said that he punched me square in the jaw sending me back, “What the hell is wrong with you?!” I yelled.

His face was grim, “Stay the hell away from Sid,” he said and then walked away. Don’t tell me… Sidney sent this guy to have me stay away from her. No, not my Nessie. Whipping my cell I out decided to call her, but it went straight to voice mail. What’s going on? I walked inside and went into the elevator.

She left you. a voice inside my head said in a mocking tone.

Shut up.

She doesn’t need you, it whispered as I stepped into the elevator and punch in my floor.

No, she’s my friend.

Who would want to be friends with a fucked up guy like you?

Just shut the hell up! I screamed in my head when the elevator dinged and the doors opened up.

Loveless.

I stepped out of the elevator and froze.

You are loveless. Who could love the likes of you? Who would even bother liking someone like you? Your own mother didn’t even defend you. She doesn’t love you. How could a girl like some like you. Your own blood doesn’t even like you.

I resumed walking and went inside my apartment and went straight into the kitchen grabbing myself a beer. This is what I need, something to take the edge off. Gripping the neck of the bottle I felt something wet slide down my face and damp my hand. Shit, why am I crying? Is it because of Sidney? Is it because I don’t want her to leave me behind? Forget me? Curse my inferiority complex. Is it really fair game for him to hit me where it hurts? Dad knows I’m terrified of being forgotten and unable to be loved, and now Sidney… she’d left me behind. Sliding down to the floor I started drinking, and drinking, and drinking, and before I knew it I was walking across the hall to my neighbor and handing the woman a letter for her to mail for me.

She asked me if I was okay and I merely nodded and walked back to my apartment and shut the door behind me. Passing through the kitchen I picked up another bottle and started downing it as I walked into my brother’s room. It was silent as I walked to the closet, my balance slightly unsteady as I opened the door. Rummaging around I came across his lock box and opened it with the key relieving his .45 gun. Taking a swig of beer I loaded the glossy black weapon and left the room.

Setting an envelope on the coffee table addressed to Sidney I went and turned the stereo on. Sliding to the floor behind the couch I sat down with the gun in one hand and beer bottle in the other. Sitting the gun on my lap I pulled out my cell.

1:57 P.M.
From: Dakota
Nessie… I’m so sorry… remember when you asked me about what scares me the most? Its you. The thought of losing you terrifies me. So as much as it hurts me to say this I want you to stay away. Stay away from the apartment, don’t look for me, don’t call. It’s better this way.

Snapping the cell shut I chucked it in a random direction.

I don’t want to be alone…

I gulped the rest of the liquid and threw the glass bottle across the room. I watched it smash against the white wall leaving a wet stain.

I’m scared Nessie.

My hand gripped the weapon bringing it to the side of my head.

I don’t want to lose you.

The click of the safety going off.

I love you.

And pull.