Homophobe

One thing that I knew would never change- I really fucking hated the rain.

I hated the cold, I hated the wet, I hated the feeling of frozen pellets bombarding me from above, I hated the smell of worms and damp grass, I hated the way my soaked jeans chafed at my thighs, I really fucking hated it all. I had no idea how anyone could ever like the rain. The rain, as far as I was concerned, could fuck right off.

And yet despite all that, I was there. In the rain. Exposing myself to the one thing I despised to my very core- willingly, in fact. I had made the conscious decision to be outside, in this disaster of a storm, in this concoction of catastrophe. At this point, I didn’t know what I hated more- the rain, Chase, or myself.

With the hood of my sweater giving me (rather poor) protection and my hands stuffed into my pockets, I continued to trudge down the suburban street I vaguely recognised. Everyone else had, rather smartly, found refuge within their nice, warm, dry homes and so I found myself entirely alone on my pitiful quest to find the stupid fuckhead wherever he was outside.

Feeling the rain soak through my shoes and drench my socks, making me cringe at the thought, all I knew was one thing: Chase so fucking owed me. This was worth at least a month of free burgers. After this, I was going to feast like a king for absolutely free or there was going to be hell to pay.

First I just had to find the little douche bastard.

Chase always had his flair for the theatrics, the little drama queen he was, I knew where he most likely ran off to. As much as he probably wouldn’t want to admit it, he was stupid, and he was also very predictable. Every time that his dad would so much as try to make an appearance in his life, he’d run. And he always ran to the exact same place.

This wasn’t the first time his dad had tried to bring Brian into the family, but hopefully it would be the last that Chase would act like a little baby about it.

Usually I was pretty sympathetic about it all, because I knew that it really did tear him up inside, because it was never a question of why he hated all things homosexual considering that was what initially broke up his parents’ marriage and so the reason for all things evil in the world (apparently), but how long until he’d let it go. I always figured that maybe one day he would- or rather, prayed, I guess, that I wouldn’t have to hold it in forever.

That was when I thought our friendship would last forever, but whatever.

Chase’s dad and Brian were alright, from what I’d met of them, but all that mattered to Chase was that his dad split up with his mom and Brian was his evil homosexual accomplice.

Sure, it was childish, but it was Chase. He absolutely adored his mom, and so if anyone ever- his dad no exception- hurt her in even the slightest way, well, they’d earned themselves a spot on the I Hope You Burn in Hell Forever List. And it was pretty hard to get off it. I figured Mason would be an honorary member for the rest of his life.

But fuck if I cared right now. As far as I was concerned, Chase could go suck a dick. Or whatever. The thought was there.

When I finally saw the gravel path settled as always between the two familiar houses, I felt a sigh of relief well up inside of me. It’d been a while since I’d been to the park we’d been so obsessed with as kids, but years later and I could still probably get there blindfolded. Even if nowadays most times I found myself here it was running after the little dickbag.

And Christ, I didn’t even want to think of Mason. I didn’t even want to try and make sense of whatever had happened there.

A groan fell from my mouth as I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand, drearily lifting my gaze to find that below the perpetual grey that hung in the air was the little park- my destination. I picked up speed, pathetically trying to ignore the water that had seeped into my shoes and breaking out into a light jog.

It was, as I could have guessed, incredibly empty. There was the familiar green jungle gym, accessorised with monkey bars and a giant red slide, usually littered with kids but barren as of the moment. Swings were set to the side, a sandbox close by, a couple of benches, trees, and the one certain little play house I had my eyes set on.

There it sat: red plastic walls and a dark green metal roof, a little window cut out of the wall to reveal that someone was inside.

Either I was the next Sherlock Holmes or Chase was just the most predictable person ever, and considering that I was pissed off and soaking wet, a little praise would be nice, so I was going to go with the first one. Not to say that Chase wasn’t still stupid, because he still very much was.

It was the same place he always ran to whenever he got pissed off; even when we were kids he’d hide out in that little house, his little sanctuary. I was usually the one that had to go fetch him whenever he did disappear, so I guessed I was the only one who caught onto the pattern. Times didn’t change at all, I guessed.

Inhaling deep, I ducked inside.

“You stupid motherfucker,” I grumbled under my breath while slipping into the little cramped house, a little thankful to finally find some shelter from the relentless rain, and taking a seat in one of the corner benches.

Chase’s head shot up at breakneck speeds, his eyebrows furrowed and his brown eyes telling of confusion. It brightened my mood slightly to see that he was also soaking wet, because he deserved to be as uncomfortable as I was, but also a little distracting how his drenched grey t-shirt completely melded to the sculpted contours of his body. It was weird seeing his freckles all up close and personal for the first time in a while, and I wasn’t completely prepared for the little catch in my throat when our eyes met.

It really irritated me how hot he looked even when I was pissed off at him.

“W-what? Ash? What are you doing here?”

“I’m fucking drenched, by the way. You’re welcome that I am such a good fucking Samaritan and I came here in the pouring rain all because you’re so goddamn stupid. Your mom is basically pissing herself she’s all worried about you. Good job, A plus, you really outdid yourself this time.” I cast him a mocking thumbs up accentuated by an equally mocking fake smile, the sarcasm dripping from my words. Shivers crawled up my spine as I feverishly rubbed at my arms, my sleeves sticking uncomfortably to my skin.

“You really didn’t have to come,” he mumbled, gaze falling to his hands that were intertwined and visibly tense. He was hunched over a little, elbows wresting on his thighs, clasped hands falling in between. From the slight shiver that trembled his arms I figured he'd been there for a while.

“You’re a little dick, I’m already here, and your mom asked, what was I going to say?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Exactly.”

Silence saturated the air between us, both of us staring absently outside into the rain and refusing to catch the other’s eyes, the only sound being the echo of pitter-pattering rain on the roof. I was so pissed off about the rain that I never really prepared myself about what exactly I was going to say when I saw him. I was more looking for an escape from Mason and realised I had not thought this through at all.

Maybe Chase wasn’t the only stupid one.

“So… yeah, we should probably, you know, head back now, or something,” I mumbled, feeling my ears burn with embarrassment as I wrung my hands nervously. All the previous anger that had been building up inside of me began to melt away and was quickly replaced with the anxiety crawling through my veins.

It was definitely weird that this was the first time I’d spoken to him in ages and I complained about the rain. Oh god, I did that. That was what I said.

“I’m not going back,” Chase announced, crossing his arms over his chest. We still didn’t meet eyes.

I sighed. “So you’re going to live in this playground forever, right?”

His jaw tensed, eyes still focused outside, but I knew he heard me because of the way he pressed his lips together in a collected, thin line. His tan skinned looked a little washed out by the faded light pouring in through the window, and there were still droplets of rain trailing down from his soaked hair to the nape of his neck. I watched, almost entranced, as he swallowed, his Adam’s apple pressing against the skin of his throat. Our knees brush against each other’s.

“Why are you here?”

His low voice breaking the silence caught me off guard, as I quickly averted my eyes away from his body and cursing myself for looking in the first place. I really hoped he didn't notice.

“What?”

“Why are you here, Ash? What was your point of coming here?” he asked, louder this time, his gaze burning into me.

I blinked at him before raising an eyebrow, narrowing my eyes in his direction. “Excuse me for being a good fucking friend, my bad, I’ll leave then,” I huffed, lifting to my feet but still having to duck because I had definitely out grown the little house, and scrunched my nose out of distaste.

The question of who I hated the most- yeah, definitely Chase, no doubt about that.

“Wait!” Chase blurted out, shooting up and snatching a hold onto my wrist while also successfully bashing his head against the ceiling. He sucked his teeth in pain while his other hand rubbed at the sore spot, but still not loosening his grip on me. “Wait, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

I chuckled involuntarily and rolled my eyes, jostling my wrist out of his grip but returning back to my seat in the corner. “You’re such a fucking moron.”

His eyes narrowed slightly at me. “Well you’re pretty fucking peachy today.”

“Fuck you.”

We both locked eyes and as I noticed the corner of his mouth quirk up into the ghost of a smirk, and unconsciously my mouth mirrored his own. For a moment it actually seemed… normal between us.

That was, until I realised what was going on and I interrupted that little moment with a harsh cough, running a hand through my wet hair and finding an uncanny interest outside or anything other than Chase’s face. I wasn’t going to get sucked into those stupid brown eyes again, not this time. I was still pissed off because of what he did to me, and I wasn’t going to let him off that easy, and I had no idea why I even came in the first place.

“So, my mom called?” Chase asked, breaking the quiet, no betraying emotion I could find on his face.

“Yeah, she said your dad came, so I figured you’d be here.” I shrugged. A knot tied intricately in my stomach.

He swallowed. “Oh, sorry about that, my mom doesn’t really know that we haven’t been… talking.”

“Ah, it’s whatever, I was just at Mason’s so it’s not too far away anyways,” my voice trailed off, and I toyed with the ends of my sleeves, tapping my feet to feel the water squish between my toes.

“Oh, well, thanks. I probably would’ve come home soon anyways.”

“Well, I came, so…”

“Thanks. I know how you hate the rain.”

I lifted my gaze to see a soft, but genuine smile touching Chase’s lips. There was something like sadness though, darting behind the familiar cappuccino eyes I’d found myself drowning in time and time again. I wasn’t sure why but I could feel the burn of a blush creep up the nape of my neck, working its way up to seize my cheeks. This was exactly what I didn’t want.

“Brian isn’t that bad of a guy, actually,” Chase admitted quietly, mashing his lips together afterward awkwardly. “Which is weird of me to say, right? But he actually isn’t. It’s fucked. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.”

“Let’s hope you didn’t hurt yourself,” I mumbled, before I could even stop the words from slipping past my mouth.

Chase chuckled lightly, tugging at the skin of his tanned cheeks. “Of course. I miss that, you know? Sometimes, I’ll say something really fucking stupid, and it’s like I know you’d say something mocking or sarcastic after it. I swear I can hear you say it in my head.”

I could feel the weight of the situation press against my chest, causing my breath to shorten faintly, my mind feebly trying to process his words.

“Chase, I-”

“Can I just say something?” he interrupted, and feeling myself almost in a daze, I nodded, unsure of what else I could really do.

“Ash, I’ve been a really shit friend lately, and I know that. I know me admitting it doesn’t make up for it, either. And I know that there’s no excuse for how I’ve been acting lately or whatever, my dad has nothing to do with it. I know I always blame him for everything but… but it’s not his fault, it’s mine, and I have to start accepting that. And Ash, there’s a fuck of a lot I don’t know, and you know that, and I know that, but there are some things that… there are some things that I do know. And I really have to tell you them because it’s been bothering me so fucking much lately and I just really need to tell you.”

He inhaled a shaky breath, his eyes soft as he chewed on his bottom lip.

“I’m done pretending. I don’t want to pretend nothing happened when it did, and I hate that I fucked up so hard. I was really scared, and I dealt with my shit in the worst possible way, and I hate what I did to you. If I could take it back, I would, but I can’t. You’re my best friend, Ash. And I fucking miss you every day, and I just want you are your sarcastic ass beside me again, and I want to hang out with you everyday and do stupid shit or do nothing at all but either way it’s still fun ‘cause it’s always fun when I’m with you. And god, I can’t believe I’m even saying this, fuck, it’s so… lately, it’s like, I just can’t get you out of my mind, okay? And before it was normal because I was always with you but now even when I’m not you’re just always there, y’know?”

I blinked, feeling a multitude of emotions I never even knew existed crash into me like a tidal wave.

“I don’t know what this feeling is but I want you, Ash. I just want you all the time. I want you near me, away from fucking Mason or whatever because I know he wants you and I know he's better for you than I am and fuck it pisses me off but I just can't let it go. I just can't. I want you with me. And it can’t be anyone else, it can’t be Ashley or anyone it has to be you. I don’t know what to say or how to make it better but I need to Ash because… I need you.”

He took another deep breath, running a hand through his hair, scrutinizing my reaction.

How the fuck was I even supposed to react?

“Christ, Chase, what the fuck? What am I supposed to do with that? What’s with that ‘I need you’ bullshit, what does that even mean?” I threw my hands up in irritation. “You really fucking hurt me, okay? I’m gonna say it, and I don’t care how girly or whatever it sounds, you fucking hurt me.”

“I’m really sorry…”

“I know! And that’s what makes it even worse! How can I hate you when you say shit like that!? What am I supposed to do!? That’s not even fair! ‘I need you’. Come on!”

“I’m not going to hurt you anymore, Ash.”

I stared up at him, feeling like my throat was closing in on itself, my face burning its proverbial cherry glow. “Can you really promise that? Can you? Because fuck Chase, you can’t just always make things better when it’s convenient for you. I have feelings too, okay?”

“I know, I know, I just want to try, at least. Just give me this chance. Please.”

I hid my face in my hands, feeling a volcanic-like eruption of emotion flare up inside of me. My thoughts whipped chaotically in my mind, jumbled words and sentences crashing together to create the utter anarchy that raged inside my entire being.

“Can you just… can you look up for a second?” he asked.

I peeked from my fingers to see that he was closer now, inches away from my face, his eyes boring into mine.

“Ash, I think I might… I think I might love you.”

My entire body froze as I absorbed the sight in front of me. This was Chase. Chase and his tanned skin and his boyish freckles and his light brown eyes and his soft, damp hair and everything that I knew to be him. And he was so close again. And there was not a hint of alcohol on his breath.

And then Chase Evans kissed me- sober.