Homophobe

“Ash, are you okay?”

I blinked. The question remained hanging in the air, unanswered, as I could barely concentrate on his words or anything other than my hammering heartbeat. Mentally I concluded that no, I was not okay. My lungs burned with the lack of oxygen, feeling as if all the available in the entire world air had completely vanished and I realised I’d been holding my breath for a lot longer than was comfortable. There was nothing okay about me, nothing at all.

Survival instinct drew in a generous gulp of air, and the soothing sensation helped me concentrate a little better, and I felt a little less like I was going to die. This was definitely an improvement. Okay, I could breathe. This was good. But could I handle this situation?

I met Chase’s eyes, fixated on me and softened with concern, head cocked slightly to the right.

Nope. No. This did not compute. Abort mission, abort mission. Brain overload. Too much to handle. Abort mission.

“Ash?”

Nope, too much to handle. You cannot do this, Ash. You cannot handle this.

My fingertips instinctively lifted to brush against my lips, tingling with the echo of his kiss. I could still feel the sensation of his mouth on mine, his breath caressing my skin, his hands cupping my damp cheeks.

Chase had kissed me. Sober. Chase had said he was in love with me. Chase was in love with me. Chase was in love with me?

As the realisation crashed into me very freight-train like, I could feel my face immediately engulf into flames. My lips trembled. Chase had confessed to me? Oh god, he did that. Was I still breathing? Yes, yes, good, I was still breathing. My face felt like it was on fire. I swear I could feel how red it was.

“Ash, seriously, are-”

My body dropped instantaneously into a crouching position as I buried my head into the comforts of my arms. I had no idea how to handle this. My mind was entirely blank, my stomach freaking the fuck out, much like I was. Oh god, why wouldn’t my face stop burning?

I felt a hand softly stroke my hair, realising that Chase had crouched down in suit after I had. This did nothing to soothe my frayed nerves, especially when he gently placed a kiss on my head, chuckling quietly afterward.

“Well that was an unexpectedly cute reaction.”

I weakly protested with an unintelligible mumble, muffled by my sleeve, my senses intensely aware of his hands ghosting my arms. My skin prickled at his touch. This did nothing to hinder my relentless blush.

“C’mon, just look up, please?” he prodded, his words surprisingly gentle, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “For me?”

Swallowing hard, I reluctantly took a daring peek from above my arms. With half my face still hidden, I could see Chase incredibly close to me, a giant grin plastered across his face. Fuck his grinning face. Fuck it right to, something, I didn’t know, thinking was too hard at this point.

He reached out and cupped my cheek, slowly lifting my face out of the little sanctuary I’d created. My heart continued to thud loudly in my ears, almost threatening the to break the cavity that contained it. I tensed my jaw when we locked eyes.

“So you’re okay?” His gaze was drowning in amusement.

I glared. “I’m fine! I was just a little… startled, surprised, I don’t know or whatever, fuck you! I’m fine!”

Chase’s hand dropped, and I felt myself swallow at the loss of contact, my face still scorching fiercely. I averted my eyes in hopes that it would help calm my burning face.

“Yeah, yeah,” he conceded with the still ever irritatingly broad grin on his face. “As long as you’re okay. Didn’t want to scare you away so quickly.”

I scoffed and then with a murmur, “Who’s scared?”

“Me, a little bit. Or a lot, actually,” Chase chuckled softly, tinged with something that sounded like anxiety, punctuated with the little hitch in his breath afterward.

Swallowing audibly, I began to unravel myself from the knot of limbs and apprehension I had become, taking this chance to finally drink in the boy in front of me. Chase was still crouching, arms crossed and resting on his knees, his mouth buried into his bicep and those familiar brown eyes rolling over the scenery outside. A sigh escaped my lips as I leaned back to feel the dampness that was coating everything, courtesy of the rain still pouring outside the little playhouse, as it mingled with my already soaked clothes.

“You’re not allowed to do that,” I said, and my words were almost hinting at a whine but I couldn’t be bothered to care that much, a huff following close afterward.

“Do what?”

He was staring at me again, his undivided attention falling right onto me, a sensation that felt nostalgic in the best and worst ways. It’d been a while since it had just been the two of us, no alcohol or misguided judgement, just Chase and I, oddly comfortable.

“Act as if… as if, I don’t know Chase I’m just, God, I’m just so confused but I, you’re not, this isn’t you making fun of me is it?”

There was a bitter taste on my tongue at the thought, and I could feel a sense of dread creep in and mix with my stomach acid. A part of me was saying that Chase would never go that far with a joke, his prejudices aside if he ever did find out about my preferences he’d never go that far. But another part was reasoning that I wasn’t really an expert about what Chase did and didn’t do in recent times.

“What? Ash, what are you- do you actually think I would do this as a joke?” His head snapped back, eyebrows knitted together and eyes scrutinizing my reaction.

“I don’t know, Chase! I don’t know anything anymore, honestly.” I buried my face in my palms, digging the heels of my hands into my chin in exasperation. “I guess it just, I don’t know, seems more likely? You don’t get how long it’s been, how many years I had this stupid crush on you and these past couple months have just been-”

“You have a crush on me?” he cut in before I could finish, voice oddly constrained.

“Had,” I hastily corrected, and then another look at his face, his jaw tensing, and I stumbled. “Have, I don’t know, it’s pretty blurry as of late.”

“And you never told me?” He had the audacity to sound shocked.

“Well, I don’t know, that could be attributed to the fact that you spent a lot of your time basically spelling out how much you think gay guys are disgusting, and I don’t know if you’ve just failed to notice but my crush on you is a little bit out of your safe and comfortable heterosexual realm,” I spat, tone harsh and cold and unforgiving on my tongue. Unconsciously I rolled my eyes, not even bothering to suppress to sarcasm that so easily tainted my words.

“Your crush is a little bit?”

“Has, is, stop fucking dissecting my words to avoid my point.” My eyes narrowed.

“I know, I know,” he relented softly, shifting his body a little. “God, all this self-actualization soul-searching type shit just makes me realise what a complete dick I am. And I’m still working on it, you know, ‘cause I’m still sort of a dick but I’m trying. I just- I just never thought there was anything you wouldn’t tell me… I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me anything, you know? I know I’ve sort of… not been there, but I’m still your best friend.”

I swallowed. “Are you?”

He stilled, eyes wide and his jaw tensing visibly. At his words I could hear his breath catch in his throat and the flash of pain that crossed his face immediately caused me to wince.

“I am, Ash, of course I am.”

His voice was barely breaking above a whisper and afterwards all that was heard was the sound of the rain pitter-pattering against the metal roof and our breathing, soft and stable. He carded a hand through his hair. Our eyes locked and I could feel the familiar closing in of my throat and prickle at my skin when I saw how defeated and tired he looked, almost broken.

“Chase, the first time, why did you kiss me?”

My mouth felt inexplicably dry as if the words were fighting to stay inside, but I forced them out, clearing my throat afterward. His mouth twitched into a sad sort of smile.

“I thought I was losing you, with Mason when I saw you guys and all those times after, and so my mind just sort of blanked, went into hyper drive and then crashed and decided that I had to do… I had to do something,” he confessed, refusing to meet my gaze.

“And that was your something?”

“Are you really surprised, aren’t you the one always calling me an idiot?” His mouth twitched again, an abortive little chuckle following.

“Okay but… but what did you think when I kissed you back? Why are you saying all of this now?” My tongue felt thick, and shivers crawled down my spine as a particularly cold rush of wind swept by. The lingering questions that had always been floating in the back of my mind were all climbing up my throat at breakneck speeds and it took a lot to swallow them back down.

“I thought that you probably were just going along with it ‘cause you, I don’t know, felt bad for me?” he meekly admitted.

“Are you fucking serious right now, Chase? You seriously think I lack that much of a fucking back bone?”

“Well I wouldn’t worry too much considering now I know you’re probably tougher than me.”

I paused, watching as he nervously carded another hand through his hair again. We were still wet, and I felt the uncomfortable way my jeans were chafing at my thighs, but all I could concentrate on were the beads of rain still trickling down his neck. There was a word that completely encompassed all that he was in front of me, right at that moment, but I just couldn’t find which one.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean, at this point I’m pretty much completely at your mercy.”

Vulnerable. The word that was lingering right on the edge of my tongue, Chase looked totally and utterly vulnerable. And my fingers twitched, itching with the seductive burn, my eyes shamelessly sweeping down his face to rest on his lips.

Leaning forward, I lightly grabbed at his shirt, pulling him closer to me, revelling in the gentle way his breath fanned across my mouth, his eye slowly falling to a close. For a moment I just allowed the moment to sink in, the heat of his body countering the cold of the rain, his breath steady and mingling with mine, entirely surrendering himself to me.

As the thought settled in, I swallowed.

When I first brushed my lips against his, soft but definite and teaming with unfulfilled desire, Chase accepted this as consent to crowd closer. He leaned into it, his knees finding stability on either side of my hips, and a damp hand reached to cup my face. Contrary to the usual sloppy and rushed kisses I’d grown familiar with in accordance to Chase, he was slow this time, thumb gently rubbing small reassurances into my cheek, lips molded onto mine.

My head met the metal wall and Chase’s lips lightly parted my own, allowing his tongue to sweep across my bottom lip and slip inside, earning a tight squeeze from my hands gripping onto the back of his neck. I could feel my cheeks burn at how oddly tender he was being, more passionate and how more intimate than I’d known before, but it definitely wasn’t an unwelcome development as I eagerly returned it in full. He angled his head and deepened the kiss, swiping his tongue against mine and grinning when his hand migrated somehow under my shirt and I keened involuntarily into his mouth at the shockingly cold advancement. This however was quickly forgiven when he began rubbing tight circles into my hips, settling on straddling me and causing me to lose my breath at the new contact.

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do this,” Chase whispered against my lips, foreheads still pressed together as he leaned in for another kiss, short and teasing. His mouth quirked into a smile at my following huff and impatiently I pressed my lips to his again, pulling him closer, needing him closer.

“Years,” I murmured as he began trailing his lips across my jawline.

He paused for a moment, as if the words had startled him and I stilled wondering if maybe that was the wrong thing to say, but was quickly reassured that it was definitely the right thing as he fervently resumed his attack on my neck. He was all lips, sucking and teeth, grinding his hips into mine, his tongue curving deliciously right under my jaw line, no doubt bruising the tender skin. My breath caught when he worked at the junction between my throat and shoulder with his mouth, hands now gently massaging my hips that bucked up into his with need. I could feel myself harden against him but all my mind could focus on was the incessant need for closer, closer, closer.

As his growing erection pressed into mine I groaned into his shoulder. “Oh god are we actually doing this?”

Chase froze against me. “I thought you… wanted to.”

My breathing was laboured and as he began to pull away, and I became entirely entranced with his swollen kiss-bitten lips that were glistening with spit, cheeks flushed and hair thoroughly mussed. This face that I’d dreamt about on lonely Wednesday evenings with some lube and wishful desire was finally right in front of me, real, tangible.

“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that I just mean… in a kid’s play house?” I clarified, clearing my throat and the friction between our jeans as he shifted did not hinder my growing in the slightest.

The grin on his lips was devilish as he closed the space between us, pointedly grinding into me and issuing a needy sigh from my throat. “Do you see any kids around?” He layered his lips against mine again, tugging on my bottom lip as his hands began to work at the button of my jeans.

“Oh god, we’re actually… you’re actually…”

“Is this what you want?” Chase whispered into my ear, breath hot against my cheek, his hands feeling the significant bulge with only a thin stretch of fabric on top. My dick twitched at his words.

“Just be quick,” I surrendered to the craving, feeling him smirk against my skin as he finally gripped a firm hand around the base of my cock and pulled it out from the restraining fabric of my briefs.

“Whatever you say.”

A groan pushed from my throat as he twisted his grip, his palm dry and rough against me in just the right way. He lifted his hand and ran the flat of his tongue from top to bottom, never breaking eye contact before his fingers were returning dutifully to wrap around my dick, slippery with his saliva, drawing out the aching lust from within me.

His tongue was hot and slick against mine, desire itching in the back of my throat as I began working on his jean buttons too, pulling out his erection with trembling hands. My hips canted upwards as his dick pressed against mine, his hand stroking both of us, a new closeness we’d never explored before, but a verily welcomed development.

As my hands drifted down to his hips I could feel his stomach flex against my touch, moaning into the kiss and bucking his hips in the same needy fashion as I was. When he pulled his lips away, continuing to tug the orgasm from my stomach and straight through my cock with ever twist of his grip, he rested his mouth right beside my ear. All I could hear was his pants and my far-away echoes of whining his name, which I was too drugged up on his kisses to care or be embarrassed about for the moment.

“Ash I’m gonna, I’m gonna fucking cum, oh fuck,” he breathed against me, mouthing against my skin, causing me to push my hips into his grip again.

I could feel the building of my orgasm; white hot in the bottom of my stomach, tickling at the edge of my spine, the craving I couldn’t deny. Chase shuddered and keened over, resting his forehead against my shoulder and gasping as he came, shooting stripes of cum against my shirt. Hearing him groan restlessly into my shirt tipped me over as I followed soon after, dick twitching as I banged the back of my head against the wall, biting my lip, a soft “oh fuck” falling from my mouth, gaze resting on the ceiling as I came.

The only sound was of our mingling gasps for air as the rain had let up sometime when we were distracted.

“Oh god I can’t believe we just did that,” I breathed out, chest still heaving, hands still comfortably resting on Chase’s hips.

He looked up, lifting his head from the crook in my shoulder, something that oddly caused me to tense my jaw at the loss of heat and contact. His cappuccino eyes captured mine and he grinned at me, all wolfish and Chase-like, that mischievous glint returning with a vengeance. Despite how spent he looked, and still panting, it was still so fucking hot, even more so that I knew I was the one that did it to him, and impossibly I almost felt my dick twitch at the sight.

“What part?” he asked, casually licking the cum, his or mine or both I didn’t know, off his hand, watching me as I carefully watched him with bated breath. His tongue lapping up every last drop. I was so not fucking ready for this.

I slapped a hand against my forehead and groaned. “All of it. Fucking all of it.”

“I hope that’s a good thing,” he murmured, shifting away and managing to put himself back and cover up all his indecencies. He still continued to straddle my hips, though.

“It’s definitely,” I breathed in generously, “definitely a good thing.”

Chase lifted to his feet and brushed himself off, leaving me disorientated and still lingering in the post-orgasm haze as I tried to also make myself a little more presentable. I groaned, this one teeming with exasperation as I realised that there was cum splattered all across my sweater.

“Chase,” I whined, also getting to my feet and dumping myself down on one of the seats, pulling at the bottom of my sweater and eying the new stains with distaste. “Are you kidding me, seriously?”

“I like it, it definitely has a ‘you’re taken’ impression.” Chase shrugged nonchalantly, grinning when I sent him a look to show how unimpressed I was with him. “Just take it off then.”

I sighed. “But then I’ll be cold!”

Chase rolled his eyes, probably because I sounded pretty kindergarten but could not find it in my beautiful haze to care. “Fine, fine, just wear my sweater.”

I just managed to catch the hurling projectile of a sweater seconds before it could whip me in the face, courtesy of Chase, and smiled pleased with myself as it was relatively dry from not being worn much. I figured he took it as a just-in-case.

I tugged my own stained sweater off, some laundry I’d have to do on my own as that was a conversation I didn't want to have with my mom, and was relatively content when I realised that Chase’s sweater smelled exactly like him and was super warm. It was something of a win-win situation because less clothing for Chase was also a plus.

Chase stepped outside, finally stretching all his limbs and expelling a pleased sigh. I followed suit, also appreciating how it had stopped raining, and had stopped even trying to wrap my head around the situation for now. For now, I was content with letting it just be. I was happy with how it was just right then and I didn’t want to unnecessarily overanalyze the situation. Just be.

I felt my shoulder being bumped and looked over to see Chase grinning at me.

“Now don’t say I’m never romantic. I basically just jacked you off in the rain- that is some Notebook romance proportions.”

“Oh fuck off,” I groaned.

“If you change that to a fuck me, that can definitely be arranged.”