Waters of Disillusion

"I hate to tell you this, Nic. But boys are dumb."

I sigh and sit back further into the bathtub so my legs dangle over the edge. It's my only form of privacy, sue me. "He's jus' such an asshole, Luce. How'd I never notice that?"

You know how Tyler likes to get dumb and drunk? Well, that's because he has really shitty friends. I'm not even joking, whenever Tyler says he's hanging out with them, I just can't tag along. Mikey, Gus, Lenny, and the lots of them always have to make it so damn adamant about how tough they are. I know Mikey's been swiping his daddy's beer since he was nine and was taken to a cat house for his fourteenth birthday. But I guess that's not the point.

So a few nights ago Tyler and his dumb friends buy a keg and a few hours later, Tyler stumbles into Ringo's right as we were closing, and we close pretty late because of the bar. So it's just me and Pam closing up while Benjamin wipes down the kitchen. Then Tyler, buzzed like a honeybee and angry, comes in, makes a beeline for the kitchen, and punches Benjamin. He just flat out punches him in the hose and Jebus, blood was flowing out of that thing like the Nile River. I had to help Benjamin home as Pam angrily reprimanded her nephew.

"You really don't listen too good, do ya?" Lucy says over the phone. "He loves you," she drew out the 'o' to make it sounds like loooooove. "That boy's loved you for, what, ten years? An' now you're jus' tauntin' him, throwin' around that kid in his face."

"An' he hasn't been doin' the same to me with Amanda Mae?" I ask, getting mad. Who does everyone think they are nowadays? First Tyler, and now Lucy Anne? I hear ma speaking baby gibberish to Sapphire, probably trying to feed her lunch.

"He's only doin' that to make you jealous, Nic! Where have you been, girl?" she exhales a kind of under the breathe laugh.

It's working, I almost say. It's been working since the moment they started going out. "Well," is all I say.

"Uh huh." I can practically see her smirk.

"Well, I haven't seen him for a week," I huff. That's a lie. Of course I see him. I see him almost everyday; he lives right across the street, remember? I see him trying to catch my eye when I leave for work or for Lucy's house because he knows I won't talk to him. "'Sides, he got Amanda Mae. She came back from camp or wherever yesterday."

"Nic, I love you, but you're too dumb for your own good."

"What's that s'posed to mean?"

"I think you got some soul searchin' to do." She hung up. And what the heck does that mean? Soul searching? Do I look like the person to do that? I groan in a way that probably sounds like a hammock protesting under too much weight. I clammer out of the tub and join ma in the kitchen. Sapphire is sitting in her high chair, some baby food gunk smeared across her cheeks. I take the seat across from ma.

"So let's say you have some chicken pot pie, right?" I ask her. I talk to my mamma about everything. She's so smart.

"Is this the pie I make?" she doesn't look at me, but instead wipes Sapphire's face. Sapphire doesn't like the napkin against her skin. She shrieks.

"Uh, sure. So you got this pie, the one you grew up with, the one that's familiar to you, y'know? But then, you have this exotic plate next to it. It looks nice an' smells really good, but you don't know what it'll be like." I shred up a napkin on the table, making snowflakes in July. "Which one would you pick?"

Ma finally looks me in the eye with an eyebrow raised. "Nicolette Leigh, you ain't comparin' two boys to food, are you?" I told you she was smart.

"I don't know what to do, mamma!"

"Nic, I'm only sayin' this once," she lifts Sapphire out of her chair. "Imagine spendin' your life with one of those boys. An' if you can't see a future with either of 'em, well, let 'em down easily."

"Mamma," I groan. She laughs once. "What kinda advice is that? You're s'posed to tell me what to do!"

"Do whatever makes you happy, Nicolette Leigh," she says. "Whether it's Tyler or Benjamin or a hundred cats like Miss Maudey." She gives me a gentle look. "No one says you have to decide anythin' right now, Nic. You're young, jus' be happy."

"'Jus' be happy,'" I mimic under my breath. How am I supposed to be happy, when I've got Tyler barking in my ear and touching me every time I turn around? And Benjamin, who's so damn determined to get me to like him back? I like him, yes. He's a funny and nice and can talk about anything. But there's just... nothing. Not the tingle in my stomach whenever I'm around him, like Tyler. He doesn't make me blush brighter than a cherry or say dumb things and embarrass myself. And Tyler's the only one who makes me feel like my heart's both stopping and about to jump out of my chest whenever he even holds my hand.

How did I even get into this situation, anyway? I was always just Tyler's best friend, the weird ginger girl who beat him up and well, lost my virginity to him. Tyler's been telling me he's going to marry me ever since we were young, but he's never actually said he loves me. Not in a serious way, I mean. And he's never serious. Ever. Everything's a damn joke to him.

"Are you savin' that confetti for New Year's?" ma breaks me out of my trance. I hadn't even realized I ripped up and shredded enough napkins to make a miniature Mount Everest. I just shrug and sweep the pile into my hand, about to dump it out. This whole thing sucks. It's like one of those questions, if you could only eat five foods for the rest of your life, what would they be? I don't know why I keep comparing my odd love life to food. I really eat too much.

French fries, definitely. Chocolate cake, grilled cheese, and the lemon squares that Dory makes also. But if I were to live on this imaginary diet, I figure I'd need at least some fruit or vegetable. I open the fridge for a bottle of water and notice the strawberries Mrs. Bellmont sent over in a bowl. And just like that, I know what the answer is. For both the hypothetical situation and the real one, I mean.