A League of Villains

I was nervous. What if nobody showed up? What if nobody wanted to come? I sighed. At least I know one person will show, I thought as I adjusted the party wig on my head. It was then that I decided I would just have to wait and see. I mentally prepared myself before I heaved the double doors of the hall open. To my surprise, it appeared that everyone that was invited had shown up.

“Zant!” I looked over to see who had called my name. It was my close friend and aspiring evil over lord (evil overlordess? evil overlady?), Rabia. She skipped merrily over to me, occasionally shoving some other guests out of her way. “I’m so excited to be here! Have you said hello to everyone yet?” she asked.

“No, only you, actually,” I replied. She grabbed me by the arm and tugged me towards my other guests. I greeted everyone - awkwardly - then rushed them to the large dining table in the center of the hall. The table had twenty-eight chairs, which was perfect because I had twenty-seven guests. Once everyone was seated, I stood and motioned for everyone to be silent.

“Greetings, friends, and welcome to my humble abode. I hope you all found your way here quite easily... erm, ahem...” I cleared my throat and continued. “Tonight, I just want us all to reminisce, so please enjoy yourselves. This is the first of, what I and a select few others hope to be, the annual Feast of the Villains.”

I took my seat once more and got a few scattered claps. Across the table from me was my close friend and idol, Lord Voldemort, who also stood to say something.

“Very well, Zant. Thank you for inviting us here tonight, I am sure this will be a lovely evening. Now, if you don’t mind, you should have your servants bring us food.”

I twitched a little in response and ordered my servants to bring out the food immediately. Voldemort sat back down. “Talk amongst yourselves.” I said.

On my right sat Rabia. I had allowed her to sit next to whomever she wished, because otherwise we would be hearing it all night. She chose to sit next to Lord Vaati’s minion, Shadow Link, with the former on the latter’s right side. Sadly, due to my location at the end of the table, I had to listen to them weeabooing next to me for the longest time. I decided to see what everyone else was doing to avoid being brought into a conversation with them.

When I glanced over at Vaati, who sadly was stuck next to Ursula as well, he was concealing an iPod touch under the table and playing some childish game on it. He didn’t seem to notice as Ursula slid closer to him and tried to make a move. I shuddered and decided I’d be better off looking on.

At this time, Doctor Robotnik (better known as Doctor Eggman) was arguing with the Joker, who sat on the other side of Ursula. The heated debate was broken when Ganondorf, who was sitting right across from the two, slammed his fists on the table in anger.

“You two better shut up, or I’ll eat YOU for dinner!” They fell silent, but glared at each other for a while afterward.

Wario was seated next to Scar, and was agitating him to the umpteenth end by occasionally pulling his tail under the table. Bowser, who was sitting next to them, was looking around searching for a Princess to steal. A bored Capricorn sat next to him; huffing, puffing and sighing in wait for the food. I stared at the villain next to him - King Dedede - for a long while. Something about him was different. Ah well, I thought, brushing it off. It’s probably nothing.

Finally my servants arrived with the food - five giant platters of squash, potatoes, green beans, assorted meats, etc. In the center of the table they set a giant roasted boar.
Somehow the boar made the party take a turn for the worse. Ganondorf, enraged that a pig was the main course, stood offended.

“Oh, so you expect me to eat THIS?! A pig - something I could easily say is my own kind?!” He stared at me with a firey gaze, some beads of sweat dripping down his face as he spat insults at me.

“Oh, calm down,” Galbatorix, seated on Ganon’s right, said. “You’re just riled up because you’re sitting in the heat of Sauron.”

“What’s with that, too, huh?!” Ganondorf cried in response. “Stick the guy from the desert next to the flaming eye just because he’s used to the heat?!” He continued rambling on, now arguing with the eye of Sauron as well. Galbatorix tried to hush them and Murtagh just snickered beside him. From the other end next to King Dedede, Darth Vader piped in.

“I find your lack of low - calorie meals disturbing.” I sighed and held my head in my hands. Somehow I knew having a room full of villains was a bad idea.

Now, Sephiroth was suddenly interested in Rabia, whom he was sitting across from. He had been staring creepily at her for a few minutes, and she and Shadow had noticed. Shadow and Sephiroth had started fighting over their need for ‘Rabia rights’. Ursula had grabbed Vaati with one of her tentacles and disappeared with him long ago, and nothing was going according to plan.

“Plotting to take over Disneyland would have been better than this,” I heard Bellatrix mutter to Voldemort.

“Aha!” ‘King Dedede’ yelled, whipping off a mask “I knew you were all up to no good!”
“Wittle baby Potter! What are you doing at the Feast of the Villains?! You are no villain!” Bellatrix cried.

Harry and Voldemort got on the table, wands at the ready. Spells were now being thrown everywhere, and Ganondorf was growing angrier by the second in the heat of Sauron’s flaming eye.

Stressed by all the drama and action, and ran out - my wig flying off my head behind me. This was a disaster! But every year, on November 12th, we hold the annual Feast of the Villains.