A League of Villains

“How are we supposed to take over the world again if we’re hiding?!” Demise demanded, slamming his fist down on the table and glaring at everyone.

“Ask Voldemort. He is the master of taking over while in hiding,” Rabia said, twirling a pencil between her fingers.

“We don’t need to hear anymore from you, Rabia. It’s your fault we’re in this mess,” he snapped. “Your plan has failed.”

“The plan was working perfectly until Zuko betrayed us,” she said, glaring darkly at Demise. He opened his mouth to retort when I held up my hands to silence them.

“That is enough!” I said. “I know tensions are high, but we won’t get anywhere if we keep fighting with each other.” Demise glared at me but otherwise kept silent. “Voldemort, what do you think we should do?” I asked, folding my fingers together.

“Well, to take over while in hiding you have to have very loyal followers,” he said, staring at me with his cat-like eyes. “Then you send them into any and all important world buildings and let them build themselves up until they control it under your command.” His eyes gleamed and he smiled evilly.

Hm..” I thought about this for a moment. “This could work! Does anyone have any not-terrifying looking minions?” I asked curiously.

“My minions aren’t terrifying looking.” Voldemort said pointedly.

“Some of mine are human.” Galbatorix said. I sighed.

“If only my minions were normal looking... Well, at least you guys have plenty of minions, right?” Voldemort and Galbatorix both nodded.

“Half of Alagaesia are my minions!” Galbatorix said.

“I have enough.” Voldemort added.

“Hey Ganon... what about some of the gerudos? Would they be willing to help?” Rabia asked. He shrugged.

“I guess so,” he said. “Unless they don’t like me... for whatever reason.”

“What if they don’t?!” Rabia gasped. I blinked.

“Um, alright then. Why don’t you guys start getting some of your minions to come here so we can instruct them further.” I said. Ganondorf grumbled.

“Fine, I’ll send a messenger to go fetch some,” he muttered, waving one of his minions off.

“...Did you really just send a minion... to go get more minions?” Rabia asked with a giggle.

“Yes, yes I did,” he said with a nod. I shook my head.

“Well, what should we do with the minions who DON’T look unterrifying?” I asked.

“We could... DISGUISE THEM!” Vaati said. I stared at him.

“Why would we do that?” I asked, confused. He thought about it for a moment.

“I don’t know...” he said, scratching his head.

“That’s a good idea, Vaati!” Rabia said. “We could send them out to go recapture some of the heroes that were freed.”

“Okay, we could do that.” I said. Suddenly Rabia started giggling. “What?”

“Sending minions to get minions. That’s just silly...!”

“Um... alright then...” I said. Voldemort touched a tattoo on his arm and his own minions appeared. Galbatorix had sent a messenger to go get his minions.

“Whoa. That was cool.” I said as Voldemort’s death eaters surrounded the table. “I want a tattoo to call my minions with! That’d be so awesome.” I sighed. “I’m not cool enough to have a tattoo like that, I suppose...” I sighed once more.

“Yeah, you’re not cool enough,” Ganondorf said, his arms folded. I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Thanks for the moral support, Ganon...” I muttered.

“I think you’re cool Zant! In a crazy... nerdy.... not cool sort of way....” Rabia said, smiling at me. I just shook my head at her.

“What are we supposed to do while we wait for Ganon’s minions?” I said, leaning back in my chair, bored and ignoring their comments.

“We should play a REALLY LAME GAME.” Rabia said. I blinked.

“Like what?”

“Well... we could play twister, spin the bottle, truth or dare, 7 minutes in heaven or any really bad card games” she said.

“...We could play strip go fish.” Shadow suggested with a wink.

“Uh.... no.” Rabia said, flicking his arm. “What should we play, Zant?”

“What really bad card games do you have?” I asked.

“Uno... um... go fish... uh... I think that’s it actually.”

“Lets play uno.” I said. She pulled the cards out of god knows where and started handing them out.

“Yay! Zant, you go first.”

“Wait... I know how we can make this more interesting.” Ganon said, grinning evilly.

“Lets make this a bet.” He placed some money in the middle of the table. Everyone else at the table pushed in some money as well, except for Rabia.

“I don’t have any money...” she said.

“That’s okay! If you lose, take off some of your clothes instead.” Shadow winked. Rabia punched him in the shoulder and he laughed. I decided to bet all my money; I was positive that I would not lose. I set down my first card and grinned. We were going clockwise around the table, so Majora was next. I waited 10 minutes for my next turn, and the round lasted for about an hour. Finally Ganondorf laid down his last card and smirked.

“I win.”

“Shit.” Rabia said, pulling off her shirt and throwing it at him. “... this just got awkward.” There was a silence until the moblin returned with the gerudo women.

“King Ganondorf, I have brought the women you requested.” he said, bowing. Ganon waved him away. The gerudo women stepped into the room and joined the death eaters that were surrounding the table.

“So...” I started, trying not to stare at the hot gerudo babes. Ganondorf glared at me as if he knew what I was thinking, which he probably did. “Anyway! Um... Welcome minions! Or... followers... or subjects. Whichever you happen to be... We need you to go get really important jobs in the government and let us be aware of what is going on as often as possible.” I said, looking around the room. The gerudos looked confused, but the death eaters had already disappeared, ready to go find jobs.

“Excuse me, but... what are we getting these jobs for?” one of the gerudos asked curiously. Ganondorf thought for a moment.

“You’re getting them so we can plan for events accordingly.” he nodded. The gerudo blinked, but nodded. The door opened again and a moblin walked in.

“Queen Rabia, I have a message for you.” it said, walking over to her. The gerudo next to me jumped, and I was pretty positive she had been about to fall asleep.

“What happened?!” she asked. The moblin handed her a letter and left the room. She looked at the letter and shrugged. “Random. So what are we doing now?”

“Um... anything I guess.” I shrugged.

“VAAAAATIIIII! I need your help.” Rabia said, grabbing his arm and running out of the room. Shadow Link followed them out of the room, muttering something about crazy chicks stealing his master. I stared after them for a moment, then shook my head.

“Alright then... Does anyone want another round of u-” I was interrupted by the moblin as he walked in again, leading two older gerudo women.

“Ganondorf!” they cried, embracing their son in a hug. Some of the villains and myself started to laugh and he glared at us over his mothers’ heads. Once they released him he offered them Shadow Link and Vaati’s now empty chairs, and he sat next to them in Rabia’s seat. “What have you been doing lately? It was pretty hard to find you with an invisible fortress.” Koume said.

“I ha-” he was interrupted when Rabia ran in screaming and jumped into his lap. Ganondorf blinked. “What are you doing?”

“Outrunning Link.” she gasped, holding her sides. “He’s a fast runner, holy shit...”

“Why were you outrunning Link?”

“Because SOMEONE wasn’t guarding him.” She glared at me and I looked away, whistling. Suddenly Link burst into the room.

“Seriously guys, where the hell is the bathroom?!” he wailed, his legs crossed. We all just stared at Rabia.

“What? DON’T JUDGE ME!” she said.

“Next door on the left.” I said, shaking my head. Link ran out of the room again.

“So...” Rabia said, climbing off of Ganondorf’s lap. “I’m just... gonna go back upstairs...” she awkwardly walked out of the room again.

“Who wants to go get smoothies?!” I asked, also standing up. Everyone slowly started trickling out of the room. “Come on Ganon! Lets go get smoothies!” I said. He grumbled but complied, not wanting to be ungentlemanly in front of his mothers. We got our smoothies and sat down at a table. Ganon stirred his with a straw and grumbled to himself. “So... how do you like the fortress so far?” I asked Koume and Kotake, sipping from my cup.

“It’s alright.” Kotake said. “I don’t like the color schemes.”

“The furniture could be better.” Koume added.

“And it’s much too small.” they said at the same time. I shrugged.

“It’s the best we could do under the circumstances I suppose.” I said, nodding. Rabia came outside and pulled a chair over.

“Hey guys. What are we talking about?” she asked, giving Ganondorf a kiss on the cheek. He looked at her and shook his head.

“Haha why are you matching with Ganon?” I asked, referring to her black clothes.

“Meh, I thought it would annoy him.” she giggled. “So what are we doing?” she asked.

“We were just talking about the fortress!” I replied. Ganondorf looked at me and shook his head.

“Zant... shut up.” he said.

“Why? We were just talking about how it could be better.” I shrugged. Rabia glared at me.

“...What?” she asked, glaring at me.

“Uhhhh nothing?” I moved away from her a little.

“You know what Zant? You’re a JERK.” she glared at me and stormed away. I cleared my throat awkwardly as everyone stared at me in silence.

“She’s so moody...” I said. Just then, the moblin from earlier came trotting in, panting and sputtering.

“Sir, sir, sir!” he kept yelling. Ganondorf looked at it disgusted as it coughed and wheezed all over him. He pushed it away with his foot.

“What do you want?” he growled, using a napkin to wipe the spit from the beast off his face.

“The women... They... They...” he panted.

“They what? Spit it out! Wait no no, spit on me again and I’ll behead you.” The moblin slowly pulled itself together before finishing his sentence.

“The women... they have rebelled!” he said.

“Rebelled? How can they rebel? All I did was ask them to get jobs,” he muttered.

“One of the women told the others that they were just stuck doing your dirty work, so they told the heroes where the fortress is hidden!”

“What?! Ugh, why must this happen NOW.... Fine fine, go guard the fortress then. And find the girl who told everyone this and bring her to me.” The moblin bowed and quickly ran off to do as he was told.

“Oh nice job, Ganondorf,” Ghirahim said, putting his hands on his hips. “Now what are we going to do?”

“Well, we’ll just have to keep a close eye on the fortress and make sure we’re ready for when they attack,” I said. Shadow Link came outside and sat down in Rabia’s empty seat.

“So... I just got a text from Zelda. Apparently all the heroes have joined together and made a massive army and they are planning to attack our fortress....” he said. “Which is bad.”

“Why would she tell you that?” I asked. “She is so dumb...” I shook my head. The moblin came back once again with a gerudo woman. Ganondorf’s eyes narrowed as they approached.

“How surprising,” he said sarcastically. “Hello, Nabooru.” He patiently waited for her to bow... which she never did. He slammed his fist down on the table. “Bow to me, like seriously!” She still didn’t bow and just shook her head. He sighed and stood, approaching her with a glare. “WHY do you go out of your way to make my life difficult?” She shrugged.

“It’s not my fault. I just figured everyone had the right to know what your intentions were,” she said. He grumbled.

“You annoy me,” he muttered. “Whatever though. We’ll just lock you in the dungeon with Link.” He shooed his moblin away with her and sat back down. “Great, now should we start preparing for this?”

“Uh, OBVIOUSLY.” Ghirahim said, flipping his bangs out of his face. “Now, is anyone here really good at making war plans?”

“Galbatorix is.” Ganondorf said. ‘Zant, go get him.”

“I’m not your minion!” I said, offended. He just stared at me. “Fine...” I grumbled. I got up from the table and wandered through the fortress to find him. “Galbatorix! Where are you?!” I yelled as loud as I could. He walked out of the kitchen in a pink frilly apron and stared at me.

“What?” he asked, munching on a cookie.

“Oooh you made cookies?!” I took the rest of the cookie from his hand and ate it. “Anyway... you’re good at making war plans, aren’t you?” I asked. He nodded. “Good, we need your help.” I grabbed his arm and started tugging him outside. We walked back over to the table and Galbatorix quickly started rattling off war strategies. I started zoning out as they talked, until finally Galbatorix set down the pencil and grinned.

“I think we have our war plan!” he said happily. “Okay so... we’ll hide our soldiers behind the stone wall... fence... thing... and our archers will be on the fortress roof. We’ll shoot down as many as we can before they manage to storm the walls, and then they’ll fight with swords and shit. Unless they have magic. Then they can do whatever the fuck.” Galbatorix said with a nod.

“.... We needed someone who was good with war plans for THAT?” Ganondorf said.
“Yes, yes we did!” I said. “And now we wait!” I started whistling to myself and looking around. “... Yeah we should probably go inside.” The six of us walked into the fortress and ran into Rabia. She glared at me.

“I don’t like you.” she said to me. “So what’s the plan? I got a text from Zelda saying that we were going to be attacked by a bunch of heroes or something.” Galbatorix recited the war plan to her. “...that’s a stupid plan.” she said. “Why aren’t there any bombs? Why aren’t we catapulting bombs at them?”

“Bombs? Really? That sounds like a greaaaaat idea,” Ganondorf said, shaking his head.

“Was that sarcasm?” she asked, genuinely confused.

“Yes, that was sarcasm,” he answered.

“Oh. Well now I feel stupid.” she said, sticking her tongue out at him. “What’s so bad about bombs?” she thought about this for a minute. “Wait, nevermind. We have a LOT of stupid villains. When do we get to start killing people? Do I have time to sharpen and polish my scimitars?”

“Just go sharpen your weapons or something. Who wants to go swimming while we wait?” I asked. Ganondorf grumbled and crossed his arms.

“Not me.” he mumbled.

“We would love to.” Koume and Kotake said together. Ganon sighed and followed us into the pool room and sat down in a chair to read his newspaper. Everyone else was having a great time in the pool. I jumped into my floatie and let the waves push me along. Bowser cannonballed into the pool from the tall diving board, soaking Ganondorf and his newspaper when he landed.

“Oh this day just keeps getting better and better,” he said irritatedly, tossing the ruined newspaper down on the table. He sighed. “Why is it that we always have to be swimming? We need to do something else.” The Joker popped up next to him, as if from nowhere, with a nod.

“I agree. We should play.... hockey! Or... something that doesn’t involve being in water,” he said with his signature laugh.

“Yeahhhh, why don’t we have an ice rink in this place?” Bowser said, emerging from the pool.

“Do we have any sport things to do in this fortress?” Demise asked.

“I don’t know. Hey! Zant!” Ganondorf said. “Do we have any sports to do in this fortress?!”

“I don’t know, go ask your wife.” I said. Speak of the devil (deviless?), Rabia walked in to polish her scimitars. She sat down on the edge of the pool and started wiping the blades. Ganondorf, Bowser, the Joker and Demise all walked over to her.

“Rabia... is there any other sporty thing to do here besides swim?” Ganondorf asked.

“Um... well... there’s a soccer field in the back yard I think.” she shrugged.

“We should go there.” Ganondorf said. The other three nodded.

“Wait! I wanna go!” I yelled, struggling to get off my floatie. “Come on Rabia! We’re going to go play soccer!” I picked her up and raced out the door to catch up with them.

“I never agreed to this!” she grumbled, awkwardly trying to slide her scimitars into the sheaths. The six of us finally made it outside to the soccer field. Everyone just stared when I set Rabia down.

“What? We needed another person!” I said.

“We only have enough for three people per team, when you need seven for an actual game.” she said, raising an eyebrow at me. I sighed.

“Okay, so lets split up into teams.” Ganondorf said. Demise and Bowser stood over near him. “Well that was easy.”

“I call defense!” Rabia said, skipping over to stand in front of the goal.

“I’ll take defense too.” Demise said.

“Offense.” Ganondorf and the Joker called. I sighed and walked back into the goal with my head down to take my place as goalie.

“Ganondorf, if you kick me I’ll kill you.” Rabia called. He rolled his eyes and the ball was set in the center, between himself and the Joker.

They started the game and the Joker easily kicked it past Ganondorf and started running to the opposite side of the field. Demise kicked it away from the Joker and passed it to Ganondorf. Rabia managed to kick it away from him a couple times but he eventually got it into the goal. The game continued on like this, the Joker’s team not getting any goals. Finally Rabia managed to kick the ball away from Ganondorf and towards the Joker, who took it down the field and scored his teams first goal. Finally the game was over, and Ganondorf, Demise and Bowser had won.

“Didn’t see that coming.” Rabia said, rolling her eyes. I crossed my arms in disappointment. I had really wanted to win! “How’d you get so good at soccer, Ganondorf?” she asked curiously.

“I was the only boy on my soccer team when I was 12.” he shrugged.

“Awwww!” Rabia cooed, giving Ganon a hug. “I bet you were so cuuute!” Demise started snickering at him.

“Yeah Ganondorf, I bet you were adorable.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m not ‘cute’.” Ganondorf grumbled. Rabia let go of him and tried to stifle her giggles, but she failed pretty horribly. Ganondorf glared at her, but that only made her laugh harder. Koume and Kotake had walked outside to watch, and decided to join in on the conversation.

“He certainly was cute.” Koume said.

“He had the biggest eyes and he was always so sweet!” Kotake said. When she said this Rabia nearly fell over with laughter.

“Sweet?! GANONDORF?! That just made my day.” she said after she had regained her composure. She wiped a tear from her eye. “Do you have any pictures?”

“No! They don’t.” Ganondorf said, tugging Rabia away from his mothers. “Don’t EVER show her those pictures!” he said. His mothers just smiled and nodded, and he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. He grabbed Rabia’s hand and started pulling her back towards the fortress, with her giggling the whole time. We all followed them inside and parted ways.
I followed Ganondorf, his mothers and Rabia into the living room. Rabia had decided to watch The Lion King and Ganondorf grumpily agreed. She put the movie in and sat down next to Ganondorf, then cuddled up with him to watch the movie. The opening song had barely started when the moblin ran back in.

“Sir Ganon! Sir Ganon!” It cried. Rabia paused the movie and Ganondorf sighed.

“What is it NOW?!” he asked.

“The enemies have arrived -- they’re waiting for our armies.” it said, trying to catch it’s breath.

“Dammit I wanted to watch this movie.” Rabia grumbled, crossing her arms.

“You can still watch it. You’re not fighting.” Ganondorf said, pulling her arms off him gently.

“Wait, what?” Rabia sat up. “But... I wanna kill people!” she whined. “Besides, you can’t tell me what to do.”

“Really? I’m still your king, so... I think I can.” he said. Rabia crossed her arms.

“Fine then!” she snapped. “You’re a butt head.” She sighed and leaned back on the couch to stare at the ceiling.

“Okay guys, lets go outside with the others.” I said, walking out with Koume and Kotake. Ganondorf was about to follow when Rabia called him back over to her.

“Ganon, if you die... I’ll kill you.” she said, giving him a small hug.

“Yes, I’ll try my best not to die.” he replied, rolling his eyes slightly. He still returned the hug and left the room, making sure to lock the door so Rabia couldn’t leave. We walked outside and stood behind the walls of the fortress to wait for the fighting to begin.