A League of Villains

It was early in the morning when Ganondorf climbed out of bed to start his morning routine. He yawned and wandered into the bathroom, barely noticing how much bigger everything seemed. He flicked the light on, not bothering to open his eyes as he made his way to the toilet. He pulled down his underwear and reached in so he could pee. Suddenly he paused, his eyes wide. He couldn’t find it. Where did it go?! He began to frantically search the bathroom, wondering in his sleepy state if it had fallen off somewhere. He stumbled back into the bedroom, somewhat panicked.

“Rabia! Rabia wake up! I can’t find my penis!” Rabia woke up and turned around.

“Uh… who are you?” she asked.

“Who are you?!” Ganondorf asked, staring at the odd looking man in his bed.

“… who are YOU?!”

“Ganondorf, obviously.” he said, putting his hands on his hips. The man in his bed
started to giggle (which was creepy…) and smiled.

“I think you should look in the mirror.” he said, still laughing to himself. Ganondorf gave him a dirty look and walked slowly back into the bathroom. He closed the door and looked into the mirror. His eyes widened and he screamed. An obnoxious, feminine, high pitched scream to match his girly body. After he stopped screaming, he covered himself.

“Someone get me a shirt!” he demanded. The man walked in with a shirt and handed it to Ganondorf, still laughing. “This isn’t FUNNY, Rabia. Look at yourself!” He pushed her (him?) in front of the mirror and she stopped.

“Oh. Oh damn… um… HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PEE?! … Oh… and um… what happened to our child, exactly?”

“… I’m not even going to answer the first question because that’s just stupid.” Ganondorf replied, crossing his (her?) arms.

“… Wait… Ganondorf are you pregnant?”

“No! Look at this body! Does that look pregnant to you?!”

“… Maybe a little.” Rabia replied, stroking her beard. He hit her. “What? I can’t stroke my beard? Oh I get it. You’re just jealous mine is better than yours was. Anyway… now that you’re a woman, I find you very unattractive.” He stared at Rabia in disbelief before bursting into tears. Rabia ignored him and started checking herself out in the mirror.

“I have a NICE ass.” she said. Ganondorf suddenly stopped crying.

“Wait, what am I DOING?!”

“You were crying. I told you that you were pregnant.” Rabia skipped out of the room and started searching through the closet. “I’m wearing some of your clothes FYI. Mine are too tiny…”

“What am I supposed to wear?” he demanded, following her (him?) into the closet.
Rabia shrugged and flipped her braided beard over her shoulder.

“I don’t know. That’s not my problem, preggers.” Ganondorf glared up at her.

“I’m STILL your ruler! You better watch it!”

“Or what? You’ll hit me? I’m so scared.” Rabia mocked, pulling on one of Ganondorf’s shirts.

“Yeah, WITH AN ORB OF BLACK MAGIC!” he roared, crossing his impossibly tiny arms.

“I forgot you could do that…” Rabia said thoughtfully. She tossed Ganondorf one of her shirts. He looked at it with disgust.

“Psh, yeah right. I’m wearing my armor.” he snapped, picking up one of the pieces and wondering how he ever moved wearing something that heavy. He started trying to put the armor on as Rabia got dressed beside him. Eventually he grew so frustrated he threw the piece and sat down on the floor, crying.

“WHY AM I CRYING ALL THE TIME?!” he whined/yelled through his tears. Rabia shrugged.

“I don’t know.” He finally pulled himself together and got to his feet.

“Okay, okay. I’ll just find a way to switch us back… I BET THIS WAS VAATI!”

“Well, you can ask him when we get to the meeting later, okay? Just get dressed.” Rabia tossed him some of her clothes and he grumbled to himself, but put them on anyway. “Now come on grumpy! Lets go to the villain meeting and see how everyone else is doing today!” Rabia skipped out of the room and into the hallway. Ganondorf followed miserably, tripping over his large cloak which he wrapped around himself to hide his shame. Even though he had a really nice body and was probably the hottest girl in Hyrule.

To Ganondorf’s utter surprise, it appeared all the gerudo who used to be women were now men. He stared at the men, horrified at what this might mean for his race. His hatred for Vaati was at an all time high as he followed Rabia outside and mounted his now quite large horse, expecting her to get on behind him as usual. Instead she mounted in front of him with an evil grin in his direction and they started their ride to the fortress. Luckily for them it wasn’t a long one because by the time they got there Ganondorf was about ready to shove Rabia off the horse. They dismounted and Rabia winced.

“Ow… Ganondorf, how to men ride these horses? It hurts a lot…”

“Yeah, EXACTLY.” Ganondorf snapped, crossing his arms.

“Well you COULD have warned me, BUT NO! You were being overly hormonal and pregnant and-”

“Okay, lets just get in so we can reverse this!” he interrupted, not caring about her rant.

“Yes, YOUR HIGHNESS.” Rabia said sarcastically as she followed him inside. He stormed into the meeting room angrily.

“VAATI WHAT DID YOU DO?!” he roared. Everyone had turned to stare at him blankly as he walked in. They too were all genderbent. “Wait… so… Vaati changed ALL of our genders? Even his own? Is he really that dumb?” Vaati looked offended.

“What?! I didn’t do this!” he cried, pointing at Ganondorf.

“I kinda like it.” Shadow Link purred, looking obviously at his master’s chest. “And you make a lovely woman, Ganondorf.” he winked. Ganondorf pulled his cloak around himself tightly.

“Don’t hit on my woman, Shadow Link!” Rabia said, trying not to laugh.

“Is that Rabia? I liked you much more when you were a girl.” Shadow said, raising an eyebrow at Rabia’s beard.

“Oh you little BITCH!” Rabia snapped, glaring at him. “You’re lucky you’re a girl right now because otherwise I’d PUNCH YOU.”

“Just cause I’m a woman does NOT mean I will not hit you back!” Shadow replied.

“Ladies, calm down.” Demise piped up, pushing his long firey hair out of his eyes.

“HAH! I’m hotter than Demise.” Ganondorf said happily.

“Yeah, but I’m hotter than YOU.” Vaati said, sticking his tongue out.

“Yeah okay.”

“Well if I was a straight man, I’d hit on Ganondorf… but I think that’s only because he has huge tits…” Rabia said thoughtfully.

“I’d pick my master…” Shadow said creepily, leaning towards Vaati.

“Two words Vaati: Purple vagina.” Ganondorf said, taking his seat next to Sauron. Rabia started laughing and had to excuse herself until she could stop. Vaati blushed and hid slightly behind Shadow Link.

“Alright everyone, stop fighting so we can get down to business.” Zant said, looking around at all of us. Everyone stared at him in shock. “…what?”

“You are the UGLIEST woman I have ever seen.” Ganondorf said. Rabia, who had returned moments before, gave Ganondorf a glare.

“Don’t be mean to my best friend. Just because you’re pregnant it doesn’t mean you can be mean to everyone!” There was an awkward silence as everyone looked at Ganondorf. Ganondorf glared back.

“Do you have a PROBLEM?!” he demanded.

“Guys, relax. We’re just going to work on our plan to DESTROY THE HEROES!” Zant yelled. It wasn’t as dramatic as it usually was because of his feminine voice.

“I think we should just bomb all their houses.” Rabia said. “It’d be easier than killing them all by hand.”

“Well, the bomb didn’t work last time so maybe we should do something else.”

“It didn’t work because Robotnik is incompetent.” Rabia said, leaning back in her chair.

“Like you were any more useful than I was!” Robotnik said angrily, standing up and glaring at Rabia.

“… at least I was attractive.” Rabia snapped back. “Woah, woah sorry. I’m just mad because I have to pee. Really bad.”

“Me too!” Vaati wailed. Rabia pat his arm understandingly.

“… Why don’t you just go then?” Ganondorf asked, giving them weird looks.

“You KNOW how terrible my aim is, Ganon. Getting pee all over other peoples bathrooms is very impolite.” Rabia said.

“Because it’s embarrassing…” Vaati said, sliding down in his seat. The door opened and Link, Sheik, Kaikoura, Zelda and Midna all ran in. Link was attempting to wield his sword, which seemed much too large for his feminine body.

“DAAAAYUUUUUM!” Shadow Link said, checking out his heroic counterpart. “I look GOOD!”

“First of all, YOU’RE NOT ME.” Link roared. “and WHAT DID YOU DO TO US?!” There was an awkward silence.

“Well… obviously it wasn’t them considering they are all women.” Midna said to Link.

“Hey! I’m not a woman!” Rabia snapped.

“Except a select few.” she added.

“Wow Midna. You make a NICE man.” Shadow Link said. Midna ignored him and pulled up some chairs for herself and her friends.

“Um, EXCUSE ME! We were having a very import-” Zant began.

“OMIGAWD, FEMSHEIK!” Shadow Link yelled, glomping the said Sheikah. “You’re so perfect…” he said as his hands slid up Sheik’s waist. Sheik jumped back.

“Shadow what the hell?!” he demanded.

“… can I rape you?” Shadow asked.

“Midna save me! Control your beast!” Sheik said, pushing Shadow Link away.

“Pet, come here!” Vaati said. Rabia started giggling again as Shadow Link returned to Vaati with his head down.

“Now, WHO did this?” Zant asked, looking at everyone in turn. “We need to find a way to reverse it!”

“… I don’t know. I don’t really mind it.” Kaikoura shrugged.

“Well no one cares what you think.” Ganondorf said.

“I care! Wait… no I don’t agree…” Vaati said.

“I agree.” Shadow Link said. “I like being a girl.”

“Why would you like being a girl? You’re a much hotter guy.” Rabia said.

“Yeah, but you’re not attracted to women, so you wouldn’t understand.” Shadow replied.

Suddenly, the double doors to the hall burst open and slammed dramatically against the walls. There was some random smoke and mist coming from the entrance as a dark silhouette started to emerge from the fog. A tall woman with long, flowing silver hair in a tight black leather suit strutted in, carrying a massive sword. The woman walked toward the table and took a seat across from Rabia. Everyone stared. The woman flipped her insanely long hair over her shoulder. “Hey,” she said in a calm, smooth voice.

“Who are YOU?” Shadow said with a seductive smile. The woman gave him a disgusted look.

“Ew, don’t ‘who are you’ me! It’s me, Sephiroth!” A couple people started choking on their food and drinks as he casually took a sip of his drink. “Sorry I’m late, by the way. My mom suggested I buy a new outfit before I came here.” The room was silent.

“… Damn. You’re the one girl I would go straight for…” Rabia said, checking him out. Sephiroth looked touched.

“That means so much to me!” he said.

“YOU. LEAVE. NOW.” Ganondorf said, pointing at Sephiroth.

“Oooooh, is someone JEAAALOOOOUS?” Rabia asked.

“No. I’m just… I just don’t like him.” Ganondorf said lamely.

“Suuure. You think I’m seeeexy.” Rabia sang.

“I feel dirty now…” Shadow Link said, slowly slipping out of his chair.

“… Why is it Sephiroth is hot no matter what?” Rabia asked. “Like REALLY. I’m a REALLY ugly dude, Zant is a hideous woman… and Shadow is just creepy.”

“It’s a gift.” Sephiroth replied, stretching out his beautiful wing. Ganondorf glared at him.

“NO, it’s not. You’re not attractive! You just look like a slut!”

“Whatever you say Ganon.” Sephiroth replied, rolling his eyes and twisting his fork around the spaghetti in front of him.

“BACK TO THE CONVERSATION WE WERE HAVING BEFORE WE WERE RUDELY AND DRAMATICALLY INTERRUPTED..” Zant cried.

“Who did this?!” Link cried. “SHOW YOURSELF!”

“Link, I’m almost 100% positive no one in this room genderbent us.” Midna said, rolling her eyes at his stupidity.

“Hey Midna… you had huge boobs right?” Shadow Link said. There was an awkward silence. “So… shouldn’t you have a huge penis now?”

“Shut up Shadow. Anyways, we MUST figure out who did this!”

“Let me pray to the goddesses! … Uh… I mean gods…” Zelda said. Everyone fell creepily silent and stared at her while she prayed. “Um… well apparently they thought it would be funny if they genderbent everyone.”

“It most certainly is NOT funny.” Ganondorf said, crossing his arms.

“It’s only for the rest of the day, relax.” Zelda said.

“I don’t think I can hold my pee that long.” Rabia said. There was a serious silence that followed that statement.

“Well that sucks.” Ganondorf said angrily.

“Oh, you’re just mad because I’d go straight for Sephiroth and not you.” Rabia said.

“Yeah. Sure.” he replied.

“Anyways… maybe all you magicky people can find a way to ungenderbend us.” Rabia suggested. Vaati, Dr. Robotnik, Voldemort, Bellatrix, Ghirahim, Ganondorf, Galbatorix, Murtagh, Sephiroth and Majora all stood up and went into another room to work. The rest of the villains stayed where they were and a silence fell over the group. It was broken when Kaikoura started “La”ing an Adam Lambert song. Soon Zelda joined in, and Kaikoura stopped and glared at her.

“Excuse me, um, he’s MINE.” Kaikoura said.

“Yeah, in your DREAMS.” Zelda replied.

“Do you wanna get HIT?”

“I’d like to see you try!” she said.

“Yeah, I’d like to try.” Kaikoura replied. Sheik stepped between the two of them and shook his head in disappointment. After Sheik had managed to calm them down, everyone just sat awkwardly, waiting for the others to return. Suddenly Rabia stood up with an evil grin on her face.

“Oh my god guys, I made this slideshow about Ganondorf with Kaikoura, and I wanna show it to you!” Rabia said, pulling out her iPad and plugging it into the projector. When she pressed play, a slide came up titled “Why I Love Ganondorf.” Kaikoura blinked. The other villains walked in just as the music started to play. Ganondorf looked shocked.

“Oh Din…” he said, hiding his face. The slideshow continued, showing all the reasons Rabia loved Ganondorf. At the end Link was doubled over in laughter and Ganondorf looked like he wanted to die.

“Did you like it Ganny?” Rabia asked with a grin. He ignored her and pretended to be interested in his nails, which he obviously wasn’t. “Don’t you ignore me!” He continued to ignore her while Vaati pointed at him and laughed maniacally.

“Awww Vaati you’re so cute!” Kaikoura said, hugging him tightly. He grumbled and blushed. Kaikoura giggled at him. “Dawwwww!”

“Anyway, now that we have that embarrassing slideshow out of the way, we have come to the conclusion that we’re going to have to stay this way until the gods decide we can change back.” Voldemort declared.

“NOOOOO!” Link said dramatically, falling to his knees. Rabia went to kick Link, but then remembered she was a man and couldn’t hurt a girl.

“Damn it, this isn’t cool. I want to be a girl again so I can pee! And beat up Link!”

“… I can still beat up Link.” Ganondorf said, grinning nastily.

“Oh NO you can’t! You could KILL THE BABY!” Rabia yelled. Zant sighed.

“Well can we get back to the original plan for this meeting, PLEASE?” he asked, sitting back down at the table. The other villains followed suit and immediately began deciding ways to kill Link.

“We could rip his head off and feed it to his children!” Vaati suggested.

“He doesn’t have any children, Vaati.” Rabia said, face palming.

“But one day I’ll have some with my true love! - Not going to say any names.” he stared intensely at Zelda.

“We could stab him with a sword multiple times until he dies.” Ghirahim said.

“I like that idea!” Shadow agreed. Rabia nodded. Zant sighed.

“Well, why not? Lets do it!” Everyone grabbed their swords and knives and advanced on Link.

“Woah, woah, NO. No that’s NOT okay guys! Stabbing people is wrong.” Kaikoura said, standing in front of Link.

“Yeah, especially if they’re me!” he agreed with a nod.

“But stabbing you is fun!” Rabia said. “Not that’d I’d know...” Zelda was busy checking her hair in the mirror and didn’t seem to notice anything. Kaikoura looked around the room, bored.

“What should we do now?” Sheik asked.

“I think we should go and enjoy these bodies while we still have them.” Shadow Link said with a wink. Sheik gave him a disgusted look and inched away from him.

“Lets fuck each other!” Shadow Link suggested, slinking over to Midna with a wink.

“Uh... no.” she said, pushing him away.

“Idk what the rest of you are going to do, but Sephy and I are going shoe shopping.” Rabia said, grabbing Sephiroth’s hand and leaving the room. There was another awkward silence.

“I’m going to go play video games...” Kaikoura said, walking in the opposite direction. Sheik and Link followed her into the other room. Slowly the rest of the villains started leaving the room to go do their own thing.

“Well then! I’m going swimming!” Zant announced, going upstairs and sitting on his floatie. The room was empty except for him. He put on his sunglasses and sighed happily until a pair of pale, familiar arms wrapped around him. He sighed. “Hello Ghirahim.”

“Hello Zant.” Ghirahim said seductively. “Lets have some fun!”