A League of Villains

“Welcome back everyone. It’s nice to see everyone happy and the correct gender again.” I began. Shadow Link crossed his arms and grumbled to himself. “Now lets get back to the matter at hand. Our biggest threats are Link and Harry Potter. How shall we get rid of them?”
“Poison!” Sephiroth suggested.
“Stab them!” Ghirahim said.
“Avada Kedavra.” Voldemort suggested.
“Torture them to insanity!” Bellatrix laughed evilly. I nodded at each of their suggestions.
“Yes, but which one shall we use?” I asked. Immediately everyone started fighting, trying to get their opinions of the matter heard. I sat back down and slowly shook my head. Why did I insist on inviting these people to my house? The door opened and Rabia scurried in, wearing a large hoodie and appearing very self conscious.
“What are they fighting about?” she asked sitting down.
“They’re fighting about the best way to get rid of Link and Harry.” I said, shaking my head at Voldemort and Scar, who were fighting about a clean kill or tearing them to shreds.
“Oh.” she said simply, wrapping her arms around her tummy. I stared at her.
“Aren’t you hot in that? It’s 90 degrees outside today.” she shrugged and stared at her feet. “Okay guys! That’s enough! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT DOWN!” I yelled. Everyone glared at me but took their seats anyway. “Now, since we can’t come to a decision, I think we can all agree on an impartial party to decide for us. Rabia?” Everyone turned and stared at her.
“Oh, um... since we have our dogs, fences and dragons why don’t we just put them in the dungeon and move on with our plans?” I nodded.
“Sounds reasonable. Now, to take over the world, each of us will have to take down the authority of the lands we live in. Vaati, Shadow, Ganon, Demise, Ghirahim, Majora and I will have to get rid of Zelda. Voldemort and Bellatrix will have to overthrow the Ministry of Magic. Do you all see where I’m going with this?” Everyone nodded slowly. Bowser raised his hand.
“Who am I supposed to overthrow?” he asked stupidly. I stared at him.
“... Princess Peach, obviously.” I sighed and shook my head. “Anyway, to take over just do things like kidnapping, blackmail, murder, you know the usual. Does everybody understand? Taking over is a crucial part of this plan.”
“Yes, but what exactly are we going to do once we have control of our empire?” Darth Vader asked, his hands folded out in front of him.
“We put our laws into play and take over the world like we initially planned to with our other ‘take over the world’ scheme.” I nodded. Suddenly the door burst open and Link ran in.
“AHAAAAA! I CAUGHT YOU! YOU’RE PLANNING TO DO SOMETHING EVIIIIIIL!” he yelled.
“Obviously we’re planning to do something evil. We ARE villains, Link.” Rabia said, shaking her head at him. Jafar and Ghirahim snickered and Link glared at her.
“Well EXCUUUUUSE ME Princess!” He snapped, pointing his giant sword at her. “Wait did I really just say that?”
“Um, Link, I’m NOT a Princess, thank you very much! I’M A QUEEN GET IT RIGHT YOU FUCKASS.”
“What is a fuckass?” he asked. Rabia sighed and shook her head.
“Homestuck is too obscure for you. Go be a mainstreamer somewhere else.” There was an awkward silence.
“Anyway... I KNOW YOU TOOK ZELDA, YOU FIEND!” Link cried, pointing his sword at Ganondorf now.
“Yeah. Go check my bedroom. That’s where she was last.” Ganon said. Darth Maul burst into raucous laughter. He stood appalled.
“No.... THERE’S NO WAY!” he said, giving him a disgusted look. “She has more class than that!” Again, there was an outburst of laughter. “DON’T LAUGH, YOU MONSTERS! SHE DOES!”
“....Just check the bedroom, Link,” Ganondorf said, totally unamused with his presence. He grumbled and stomped out of the room.
“Anyway... wait, what were we talking about?” I asked, scratching my head.
“I fink we should throw Link and Harry out of my tower’s window.” Vaati said through a mouthful of potato.
“But Vaati, that would kill them!” Sephiroth said. “We must toy with them first!”
“Oh Sephy, you’re so beautiful!” Rabia said.
“... Uhuh. But yes, toying with them is a good idea.” I said, stroking the beard I wish I had. Perhaps I’d be able to grow one like Ganondorf’s one day... I shook my head to clear it. “How shall we go about toying with them?”
“OH! OHOHOHOHOHOHOH!” Rabia raised her hand and waved it excitedly. “We could TEASE them with FISHING RODS!” Ganondorf glared at her from across the table as I snickered to myself. He got up from his seat and walked over to her, punched her in the arm, then sat back down. “Ow...” she said, rubbing her arm.
“Whoa! WHOA! WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT THE DIN WAS THAT?!” Shadow yelled suddenly. Ganondorf blinked.
“What? What are you talking about?”
“You just hit A GIRL! YOU DON’T HIT GIRLS! That’s not okay!” Shadow stood up and pointed at Ganon menacingly. Ganondorf looked around confused.
“How is that not okay? Is it because she’s pregnant?” he asked. Vaati pulled Shadow Link back down.
“He doesn’t understand normal society, give him a break,” he said. Suddenly, a crash and a cry was heard from upstairs.
“What was that?! Oh wait, Link’s up there,” I said. “Let’s go see what he’s doing.” I headed upstairs with the rest of the villains lumbering up behind me. Luckily Ganondorf’s bedroom was only on the second floor, so it didn’t take long to get there. I pushed open the door and looked inside. Zelda was tied up to the computer chair with a single piece of rope. There was a padlock on the rope, which seemed to be the cause of Link’s distress.
“Link! They’re here to tie you up too!” Zelda cried. Link whipped his head around and held his shield up to defend her.
“Back away from the princess, Ganondorf!” he said. Ganondorf shook his head in astonishment.
“I’m so thankful that these two are my enemies,” he said.
“Hey, I’m your enemy too though, so HA!” Vaati said, pointing at him. Ganondorf laughed.
“Again, I’m so glad these people are my enemies.” Link ignored the comment and tugged on the padlock which appeared to be holding the Princess in her chair.
“Oh, it’s no good Link! You’ll never be able to free me from these magical bonds!” she wailed, looking at him in distress.
“Of course I will Zelda! I have never failed to save you.” He pulled on the rope, thinking hard. Ghirahim slowly crept into the room, licking his lips and staring at Link with a greedy look in his eyes. Link cried out in surprise as Ghirahim’s tongue just narrowly missed hitting his cheek. “You stay away too, Ghirahim! Zelda would like to keep her innocence!” There was an awkward silence in the room. “Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to free her,” he said, turning back to Zelda. Rabia pulled up another chair and sat down next to Zelda.
“Hi Zelda!” she said with a large grin. “Omg, like, when Link finally manages to free you we should TOTALLY go shoe shopping! Oh and we could get our nails done and our hair and we could go to the mall! It’d be so much fun! And then we could go to the pet store and adopt a bunch of kittens and give them to ALLLLL of our friends.”
“Um, actually I’M going to the mall with Zelda.” Ghirahim said. Rabia sighed.
“Okay... I’ll just go shoe shopping with Ganon then.” Link took a bobby pin out of Zelda’s hair and began trying to pick the lock around the rope. Ganondorf inched away from Ghirahim and continued to watch this event unfold. Finally Link managed to pick the lock which he pulled off and tossed aside carelessly.
“Aha! Zelda you’re FREE!” he cried.
“Oh thank you Link!” she went to stand up but since she was still tied to the chair she just toppled over instead. “Ah! Link help me! That evil man has clearly used some dark magic to keep me in this chair!” Link gasped and turned to Ganondorf.
“What did you do to my Zelda?!” he demanded, once again brandishing his sword.
“Actually she cast a spell to make herself stuck. She’s that wise.” Ganondorf replied. Rabia and Shadow Link started giggling. Link glared and swung his sword back behind him, prepared to slice Ganondorf with it when Zelda suddenly let out a gasp that made him drop his sword.
“What is it my love?!” he cried, spinning around to face her wildly.
“It’s amazing, Link! My bonds are GONE!” Zelda stood up and threw herself into Link’s arms. “My hero!” There was an awkward silence and all the villains looked at the severed ropes on the floor.
“Well come on Zelda! The mall awaits!” Ghirahim said, linking arms with her and walking out of the room.
“Hey wait up! I wanna come! I must carry the Princess’s bags!” Link hurried out after them. We all watched them go, somewhat confused.
“Well I don’t know about the rest of you but... I’m going to go find Harry Potter.” Voldemort said, walking out of the room with his head held high. Rabia rolled her eyes at him and sat down on the bed.
“Ganny come rub my back it hurts.” she said.
“Ugh, whatever...” He grumbled and crossed the room to sit on the bed next to her. Slowly the rest of the villains trickled out of the room. I decided to stay where I was and sat down on the computer chair Zelda had previously been imprisoned on. There was another awkward silence as I watched Ganondorf rub Rabia’s back. Suddenly he turned to me with a glare.
“Would you STOP staring at us?!” he demanded.
“But... you guys are cute.” I replied, stretching and relaxing in the cozy chair.
“...No...” Ganon replied. Rabia yawned and curled up in a ball on his lap.
“If you say so Ganondorf!” I grinned at him evilly. He grumbled.
“Zant, go help everyone rekidnap Link. Ganon and I are busy.” Rabia said. I was about to protest but she gave me a look that clearly told me to leave. I sighed and left the room.
Well, since they don’t want me I might as well go help Ghirahim capture Link. After all, I know that’s the only reason he went shopping with them...
“To the mall!” I yelled, laughing maniacally and swooshing out the front door.