A League of Villains

Majora, Rabia, Ursula, Bellatrix, Veran, Nabooru, Aveil,

Joker, Darth Maul, Darth Vader, Voldemort, Demise, Sauron, Murtagh, Sephiroth, Shadow, Ghirahim,

PART TWO SO CRAZY RIGHT NUUUR

The floor of the party room was covered in sleeping bags and pillows. Everyone was sitting down and it was silent except for Rabia, Nabooru and Aveil who were chattering happily. Ursula was doing Bellatrix’s hair and Majora looked bored. The guys were eating chips silently, just watching them. I walked in and clapped my hands loudly.
“Alright! So how is everyone tonight?” I asked chipperly. “Lets start some games!” The girls stopped talking and stared at me with the same expression the guys had been giving them. Like I was retarded. Which, of course, I’m not. “I set up a karaoke machine! Who wants to go first?”
“OOOH I DO!” Bellatrix said, standing up. Voldemort rolled his eyes and returned his attention to his book, then backed away from the television. “Voldemort, honey, come sing a duet with me!” She selected ‘Start of Something New’ from High School Musical and pulled Voldemort to his feet.
“No, Bella I really don’t want to…” She took his book and tossed it on the floor, replacing it with a microphone.
“Sing!” She said as the music started. He sighed.
“Living in my own werlllld,” he started shyly. “Didn’t understaand… that anything can happen… when you take a chaaance…”
“I never believed iiiin,” Bellatrix joined in. The villains in the audience had wide eyes and their jaws were to the floor. They had expected it to be terrible, but it was surprisingly good.
“They could be, like, recording artists,” Ghirahim whispered to Demise. Demise grunted.
“What I coooouldn’t seee! I never opened my heart,”
“Oooh,” Voldemort added.
“To all the possibilitiiiiies!” She sang. They both joined together.
“I know! That something has changed! Never felt this waaaay! And right here tonight! This could beee the start! Of something newww! It’s feels so right to be here with you! OH! And now looking in your eyyyyyes, I feel in my heeeeeeeeeeart the start of something neeeeew!” The rest of the song continued on beautifully. When they finished, Ghirahim stood and clapped, then wiped a tear from his eye.
“That… was BEAUTIFUL! I love show tunes,” he grinned. Demise rolled his eyes.
“I don’t know him…”
“Alright, Ghirahim, you’re up next!” I said. Ghirahim jumped up excitedly. He picked a song by Britney Spears and picked up the microphone, then began to speak in a ‘seductive’ voice.
“I know I may be young but I’ve got feelings too. And I need to do what I feel like doing, so let me go and just listen. All you people look at me like I’m a little giiiirl!”
“It’s true…” Voldemort said. Rabia, Nabooru and Aveil giggled.
“Well did you ever think it’d be okay to step into this world? Always saying little girl, don’t step into the club. Well I’m just tryin to find out why, cause dancing’s what I love!”
Everyone was staring wide-eyed as he was practically grinding on Demise’s face.
“What th-” he punched Ghirahim across the room and knocked him out.
“We’ll go next!” Nabooru said suddenly. She grabbed Rabia and Aveil and handed them microphones. She picked Lose My Breath by Destiny’s Child. Nabooru and Aveil stated singing while Rabia stood there trying to find a way to escape.
“Can you keep up? Baby boy make me lose my breath, bring the noise make me lose my breath, hit me hard make me lose my breath,” they sang, then did the sexy breathing thing. Half the men in the room swooned, definitely not including me… maybe…. Rabia awkwardly looked around as Nabooru continued with the song.
“Ooooh, I put it right there, made it easy for you to get to. Now you wanna act like you don’t know what to dooo! After I done everything that you ask me, grabbed you, grind you, liked you, tried you ; moved so fast baby now I can’t find you!” Now, as most of the men stood drooling, Aveil went on singing until eventually the song was sadly over. Rabia hadn’t sung at all, but the other two girls were still chirping about and hopped away from the karaoke machine.
“Okay… well…” I looked around the room. Most of the men were laying on the ground in puddles of drool, trying to stem nosebleeds. “Um… maybe we should do something else… like strip poker. Or strip Life.”
“… Strip Life sounds good!” Rabia grinned.
“Poker it is!” I said with an evil smile.
“Can we… not do anything? Please?” Demise asked. I looked at the clock. It was ten already.
“… I think we should sleep,” Darth Vader said. I shook my head.
“No! It’s time for manicures!” I said. Rabia burst out laughing and fell to the ground with tears of mirth in her eyes. “What?”
“I can’t believe you just said that!” she said, holding her sides.
“Oh! Um, I call painting the Gerudo’s toenails!” Sephiroth said.
“Um… that’s what I wanted to do,” Shadow said.
“Um… you can both do it,” Rabia said, staring at them oddly. “Why would you want to touch feet?”
They didn’t say anything. They just stared at her. She stared back. There was an awkward silence.
“Well… I guess this is my cue to leave,” Midna said loudly. “Goodbye.”
“Wait, don’t leave, my Sparkle in the Night!” Shadow said.
“What in the night?!” Demise said.
“Shadow, just stop.” Midna warped out.
“I bet she’s going to LIIIINK,” Shadow said, crossing his arms.
“You ju- you… b- wha? Oh…” I said, shaking my head.
“… Link is kind of hot…” Rabia said. Ghirahim woke up.
“The sky child?! WHERE?!” he asked.
“Well… his personality sucks.”
“Yeah, mine is way better, thank you,” Shadow said. “And I’m hotter. Just saying.” Nabooru raised an eyebrow.
“Sure,” she said.
“I think he’s hotter. I have a thing for brightly colored hair,” Rabia said.
“I have a thing for heroic men,” Nabooru said. Rabia laughed.
“But they’re always so stupid!”
“Which is why I like girls!” Aveil said.
“Wait, you dooooo?!” Sephiroth asked, all excited. Nabooru and Rabia thought about it.
“Yeah, good logic…” they said.
“WE’RE NOT MAKING OUT,” Aveil said to Sephiroth, catching his glance between the three. His face fell in disappointment. Rabia smacked him upside the head.
“So… strip poker?” I asked again hopefully.
“NO,” Rabia said loudly. “You have an unfair advantage. Because you’re dead. And that’s all you play.”
“Ouch…” Aveil said. Rabia sighed and flopped down on the blanket.
“I’m booooooored,” she whined.
“Well, that’s why we should go to sleep,” Darth Vader said.
“I have an idea!” Nabooru said. “Let’s tell scary stories!” She rearranged the sleeping bags so they were in a circle with their heads on the inside. “Lay down. I’m gonna turn the lights off,” she said. Sephiroth grinned pervertedly and jumped right into his bag. Nabooru flipped off the lights and everyone layed down. Rabia made sure she was right next to Demise. Nabooru was in the middle and Aveil was on the other side next to Darth Vader. Nabooru made Sauron get in the middle to be like a campfire. Sauron grumbled darkly to himself but did as he was told.
“I’ll go first,” Nabooru said. She ignored Sephiroth who was obviously looking down her shirt and started the story. “One time, I helped a young hero get into the Spirit Temple, and these evil witches brainwashed me!” she said dramatically. “I stayed under their control for seven whole years, never suspecting anybody would come to save me….. But then! Alas! The hero came back for me! He broke the spell on me and awakened me as the Sage of Spirit! Then he defeated the witches and the evil king, blah blah blah. The end.”
“That wasn’t even scary…” Rabia said.
“Well, why don’t YOU try,” she snapped.
“Okay! One time…. I made Ganondorf soup for lunch, because I’m a nice wife regardless of what he thinks, and I make him lunch every day. Anyway, I brought him the soup I made, and I told him I worked very hard and made it with love just like I do everyday because it bugs him…” Nabooru and Aveil pretended to gag. Rabia glared at them for a moment. “Anyway… I handed him the soup… AND HE THANKED ME!” Everyone gasped. “I know, terrifying right? And he wasn’t even SICK! He MEANT it!” Everyone gasped again. “Yeah… the end.”
“That was the scariest story I think I’ve ever heard…” Sephiroth said. Rabia shrugged.
“Yeah, probably. Demise, it’s your turn.” Demise cleared his throat before starting.
“Okay, let me tell you a tale that will chill you….” Gasp. “ Once upon a dreaded time, there lived a beautiful princess. She was a huge bitch. One day, that bitchy princess decided she was going to seal me away because I tried to take over the world. Stupid bitch,” he muttered. “Anyway, then that bitch sealed me away. For centuries…. Upon centuries… I was so angry that when I was finally able to break free, I took my anger out on the world again. Guess who wasn’t there this time? HA!!!!!!!!!” Everyone jumped back at his sudden burst of laughter. “That’s right. But then -- what happened? SHE WAS REBORN --------------- AND SHE HAD HELP THIS TIME. A stupid boy. He was like, what, ten? And he had a stupid tunic. And a stupid hat, and this stupid sword that that stupid bitch made for him. I was pissed. SO PISSED. I went to take over the world…. And that pre-pubescent kid killed me. DID I MENTION I WAS PISSED YEAH AND THEN THEY LIVED. I WAS MAD. The end.”
Ghirahim clapped. “Oh Master, I understand your pain,” he sniffed, wiping a tear.
“SHUT UP.” Demise said. Rabia pat his back gently.
“Awww, poor Demise,” she said.
“Thank you,” he said, patting her on the back gently.
“Ghirahim, do YOU have a story?” Nabooru asked.
“Well… many years ago, I was fighting the stupid pre-pubescent boy and my master showed up. I was beating the boy, but then I tragically dropped dead when my master ripped his sword from my insides,” he said sadly.
“… you ate a sword?” Nabooru asked.
“I see why you’re friends with Link,” Demise said. Nabooru glared at him.
“Ouch,” Rabia said.
“No! I didn’t eat a sword! I WAS the sword!” Nabooru continued to stare at him.
“… How can you be a sword but not at the same time?”
“Oh, just… NEVERMIND!” he grumbled, crossing his arms.
“That’s not a scary story, that’s a happy story,” Demise said.
“I agree,” Darth Vader said.
“Voldemort, how about you?” Nabooru asked.
“The scariest day of my life was when a seventeen year old boy managed to kill me. The end.”
“Wow, that happened to you, too?!” Demise asked. Voldemort sighed.
“Unfortunately. He killed all the pieces of my soul and then killed me and he’s stupid.”
“Was there a stupid bitch to help him?” Demise asked.
“Two, actually.” Demise nodded in understanding. Nabooru sighed.
“Bellatrix? How about you?”
“The scariest day was the day my master was murdered by a little brat! …But I was already dead by then so I don’t really remember it that well.”
“You guys all suck at this!” Nabooru said. “Ursula? Joker?”
“I got killed by a stupid princess’s boyfriend when he drove a broken ship mast through my abdomen,” she said.
“… I don’t like bats,” the Joker said. Darth Maul shrugged and looked over at Sephiroth.
“Well, this is more of a… love story, really,” he said, then clearing his throat. “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful -- are you a princess Nabooru?”
“Uh, no.”
“Okay, anyway, there was this beautiful…. Thief. She was from the desert and she had a bangin’ body. Just saying. She met a handsome…. God. His name was Sephiroth… THE GREAT! ‘You are my angel, you sexy thing,’ she said to him one day. ‘I know,’ he said. The two embraced and married, having twenty thousand honeymoons in the stars. They then lived happily ever after… after having seven sexy children. The eeeeend,” he said, satisfied with himself.
“That never happened,” Nabooru said. “Shadow? How about you? Do we WANT to know?”
“Heehee, okay. Once upon a time, there lived a handsome prince named Shadow Link.”
“Oh no…” I muttered.
“Shut up, this is my story!!’ he cried. “Anyway, he lived in a palace high above the clouds with his… err, dad, the king Vaati. One day, King Vaati said,’ Oh my son, you should get married!’ The prince gasped. ‘But dad, I have other things to tend to!’ he said. ‘Okay, but get married after, I’m bored and I want to gush over cute couples,’ he answered. ‘I’ll be back,’ the prince said as he left. Shadow Link walked through the long plains of Hyrule until he reached a small village in the forest. There, he ambushed his rival Link, a useless farm hand in the town. The woman of his dreams, Nabooru from the desert, had been seen hanging around him for the past couple of months. Shadow would not stand for this! So he went to the boy’s house and STABBED HIM AND ATE HIM AND THEN BURIED HIS BONES IN THE GRASS AND BURNED HIS HOUSE DOWN AND STOLE ALL HIS MONEH AND LAUGHED AND KILLED EPONA HAHAHAHAHAH. Then he--”
“Heyyy, wait a second! Nabooru married ME in my story!” Sephiroth cried.
“Let me finish! Anyway, the beautiful princess Nabooru--”
“Not a princess,” both Sephiroth and Nabooru said.
“The beautiful princess was so impressed by my -- I mean Shadow’s hot body and strength that they eloped and returned to the King’s palace. He was so happy that he could gush over a cute couple that he gave his son all his jewels and money and a big bed. The end.” He grinned.
“Wow, that was really dumb,” Aveil said. He glared at her.
“… I think your bad story killed Rabia,” Demise said. He poked her arm.
“Ah, what? Is it over?” Rabia asked, yawning. “Sorry Shadow. You were boring and I fell asleep.”
“Thaaaanks,” Shadow said.
“Veran, tell us your scary story,” Nabooru said.
“Of course, peasant,” Veran said with a smirk.
“Hey!” Aveil said, but Nabooru shrugged.
“Whatever,” she said.
“My story begins --”
“Oh here we go…” Demise said, rolling his eyes. She snapped her fingers at him.
“Hey, shut it! I listened to your dumb story! Anyway, my story begins after the latest resurrection of your king, Ganondorf. During this time, the tall, dark king was so grateful that he was brought back from the dead. The woman whom had brought him to life, Lady Veran, didn’t expect anything in return for what she had done for him. ‘Oh beautiful mistress from the shadows, please take my hand in marriage so we may rule this dirty, pathetic realm together!’ he said. ‘I cannot accept, sadly,’ she answered. ‘I am in love with a man who rules the winds, and could never betray his loyalty.’ The king, now filled with rage, left to find this man of the winds. ‘When I find this man, I will rip his soul from his body!’ On his way to this man, he killed Nabooru, Aveil and Rabia because they stood in his way. Also, he ran into Sephiroth, who was annoying so he killed him too. And anybody else that annoyed Lady Veran died too. Especially Majora. She died a slow, painful, torturous death for millions of years. Anyway, once he reached the wind mage’s palace, he saw his love with the purple-skinned man. He was so angry that the two had then married that he blew up the world and killed himself along with it. The end. And the afterlife didn’t exist because he blew that up too. The end.”
“That was a good story, I liked the ending where the world blew up,” Demise said.
“Yes, the world blowing up was by far the best part,” Vader said.
“I didn’t like it, I died,” Rabia said with a pout. “Plus Ganondorf would never love you. And he definitely wouldn’t say it if he did.” Veran shrugged.
“Maybe now. You didn’t know him four hundred years ago though,” she said, fixing her hair.
“… so… how old is he, exactly? I mean, from his last resurrection?” Rabia asked. “… He’s such a pedophile…”
“Well he’s two years younger than me and Aveil, so he’s one hundred and six,” Nabooru said.
“… I hang out with OLD PEOPLE!” Rabia said. “… I feel oddly little now…”
“Damn, you guys look fine for one hundred and eight years old,” Sephiroth said. The two rolled their eyes at Rabia and him.
“Majora? Do you have a story?” Nabooru asked. There was a silence. Majora didn’t even look up from twiddling her fingers. “Zant? How about you?”
“Oh, NOBODY wants to hear THIS story,” Demise said.
“Sorry, Zant, but it’s true,” Rabia said.
“No, I DON’T have a story! But I do have a haiku,” I said. There was a collective groan. I ignored it and cleared my throat. “I cannot find love. The afterlife is lonely. Sadness and despair…” I wiped a tear from my eye. Everyone rolled their eyes.
“Murtagh, PLEASE have something good,” Nabooru said. Murtagh jumped.
“Oh, yes, of course. Well, my story begins at the end of the first battle in the war with Galbatorix. I was fighting alongside my half-brother, Eragon, when two of his slaves recaptured me and brought me to the castle. I was tortured into serving the evil king when a dragon egg hatched for me. I was forced into working and fighting for him. I fought my brother in every battle against the Varden until he managed to kill my master and free me and my dragon from his clutches. Then Thorn, my dragon, and I left Alagaesia and lived on one of the small islands ever since, trying to regain our sanity.”
“…Are you even a VILLAIN?” Nabooru asked with confusion.
“Didn’t you hear me? I was forced into being a slave for the evil king, Galbatorix! I WAS LIKE HIS SHADOW LINK! It was terrible…”
“Key word, forced.” Demise nodded in agreement.
“Sad excuse for a villain, I’d say,” he added. Darth Vader, sensing the argument that was surely about to come, rolled over and lay under his sleeping bag.
“See you in the morning, everyone,” he said, trying to doze off.
“Well, since Darth Vader is asleep, it’s Aveil’s turn,” Nabooru said, looking at her friend. “Well? Do you have a scary story?” She nodded.
“One day, many years ago, a group of fat, lazy carpenters came to the fortress. They wanted to join us thieves and become part of our tribe. These fat, hideous creatures came to our land, so I locked them up in cells. The worst part…. They were MEN.” Nabooru shuddered and Rabia gasped.
“Ugh, those sick pigs…” Nabooru said, shaking her head.
“That’s the scary part, too,” Aveil said, shaking her head as well. “They seriously thought that we would let them join…”
“……How interesting,” I said, raising a non-existent eyebrow. Rabia threw her shoe at me. “Ow!”
“So what now?” she asked.
“It’s time to SLEEP!” Darth Vader said, from under his sleeping bag.
“…okay, but first I need to take some bad coupley looking pictures with Demise to piss off Ganondorf with tomorrow,” she said. “Who wants to take the pictures?”
“Oooh, I will, I love pissing him off,” Nabooru said.
“Mmmkay,” Rabia handed her a camera and hugged Demise. “Holy shit, you’re really warm what the hell.”
“What’s hell?” he asked confused. Nabooru looked up from the camera at Demise.
“What Rabia is living in because she’s married to Ganondorf,” she said in a serious tone. She then continued taking pictures of the two, acting coupley. At one point, Rabia got the idea to get into Demise’s sleeping bag and kissed his cheek. That was by far everyone’s favorite picture. Finally they all went to bed, much to Darth Vader’s relief. It was midnight and he was tired.