A League of Villains

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MOOOOOOOORNING!!
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Everyone was awake except Rabia, Sephiroth and Darth Maul. The rest were waiting impatiently for them to wake before moving. Shadow was irritating Sephiroth, trying to get him to wake up. He was lightly touching the feathers and laughing quietly when Sephiroth ruffled them. He yelped when a particularly strong ruffle sent him tumbling into Veran who shoved him off angrily. Sephiroth sat up and rubbed his eyes, stretching out his wing. Everyone stared, wide-eyed, at the cute scene in front of them.
“Sephiroth, go make breakfast,” Demise ordered immediately. Sephiroth grumbled and slowly stood up, trudging out of the room to make a giant breakfast. Alone. Shadow Link crawled across the center of the circle and layed down next to Rabia. Everyone else backed away slowly as Shadow neared her neck, teeth bared. He slowly sunk his teeth into her flesh until her eyes flew open and she smacked him in the cheek with her hand.
“OW!” he cried, leaping back and rubbing his face gingerly.
“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SHADOW?!” she screamed, tackling him and attempting to strangle him. Several of us took out our phones and filmed the event.
“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!” she screeched, pinning him down. He yelped, then slid away in a shadow to everyone’s disappointment. She grumbled and stood, then dusted herself off and fixed her hair. “… does anyone have anything sharp?”
“To hurt Shadow?” Veran asked, an eyebrow raised.
“NOOO to EAT WITH MY BREAKFAST,” Rabia snapped.
“Wow, okay then. It would be pretty hard to hurt him anyway considering he’s a shadow, you bimbo,” she snapped back.
“Do you want to die too, BITCH?!”
“Bring it! I’d like to see you fight your own battles instead of hiding behind all your slutty friends!”
“I will! … Right after I pee, hold on…” she ran out and came back in a second later. “Okay. I’m good.” Veran snarled as Shadow reappeared, shoving her away from Rabia.
“Now now, let’s not fight you guys,” he cooed. She glared at him and elbowed him off, marching away in annoyance.
“Please, you’re both useless,” she grumbled, leaving the room.
“Shadow… you’re a douche,” Rabia grumbled, crossing her arms. He looked at her sadly.
“I was just playing around…” he said softly. “I don’t ever get to have any fun…” He looked away with feigned sadness.
“Yeah, nice try mister. I already gave in to Ganondorf. Cuteness has no effect on me right now.” She threw her other shoe at his head.
“Damn. I was hoping to see Rabia kill someone,” I said. Shadow sat back down next to Rabia and gave her a cuddly hug.
“I’m sorry, Rabia….” He snuggled his head next her.
“Damn it, Shadow! You are not a teddy bear, so STOP TRYING TO CUDDLE ME!” He stuck his tongue out at her.
“You love meee,” he said with a grin. She sighed.
“Yeah… hasn’t Vaati ever told you it’s not nice to bite?!” There was a silence before he answered her.
“No,” he stated plainly, not bothering to go into details. Rabia rolled her eyes.
“Of course not.”
“… Sephiroth is taking forever making food,” I said. “We should bug him. Make him cook faster.”
“Zant, why don’t YOU go help make food? This IS your house, after all,” Darth Vader said.
“Actually, it’s the villain fortress,” I said. “Just because I happen to live here full time doesn’t mean that it’s my house.” Nobody answered me and everyone looked away. I sighed and walked into the kitchen to help Sephiroth. Luckily as soon as I got in there, breakfast was already done and he was setting the table.
“BREAKFAST IS READY,” he yelled loudly. Everyone traipsed into the dining room.
“… is this McDonald’s?” Darth Vader asked. Sephiroth sat down, whistling innocently. Nabooru and Aveil looked at the poorly-wrapped food with disgust.
“…What is this?” Aveil asked, holding up a thin brown-yellow thing.
“I think that’s a hash brown. Or a sausage. I’m not really certain,” Sephiroth answered with a shrug. Rabia sighed and pat Sephiroth on the head before walking into the kitchen. Demise shoved all the McDonald’s food on the floor.
“Now clean it up,” he ordered Sephiroth. He sighed.
“You couldn’t have at least just gotten Chinese food?” Voldemort said.
Sephiroth ignored him and continued cleaning up. Once he was finished he sat back down at the table. It was awkwardly silent. Finally, Rabia returned with a few large plates of cut up fruit and bowls of yogurt.
“There. Eat something healthy, you fatties,” she muttered. Everyone stared.
“…Where’s the meat?” Shadow asked.
“I’m a vegetarian. I don’t cook meat. I don’t touch meat. I don’t look at meat. If you want meat, cook it yourself.”
“Well we all know you eat meat…” Shadow said with a snicker. She choked on a piece of mango.
“What? I do not!” Everyone raised an eyebrow at her.
“That’s not what we’ve heard,” Demise said.
“Who’s spreading these rumors about me?!” Rabia demanded.
“Ganondorf,” everyone said.
“Come on guys, we’re eating,” Nabooru said. Rabia blushed and stood.
“I’ll make you your damn meat,” she grumbled, running out of the room. Everyone cheered. She returned a few minutes later with some bacon. “Here. I hope you die of CHOLERSTEROL and… and… I don’t know.” she sat back down. Everyone seemed satisfied and ate the meat, while the women (besides Majora, who was still being weird) ate the fruit instead.
“Can we leave now?” Demise asked, after everyone had finished.
“I have one more game for us to play!” I announced. Everyone groaned. “We’re going to play truth or dare!” Shadow cheered.
“I’m good at this game!” he chirped.
“I’m not,” Rabia muttered, crossing her arms. Shadow giggled.
“Who goes first?” I asked.
“Meeeeeeeeee!” Sephiroth said, waving his arm around enthusiastically. “Nabooruuu!” He grinned slyly. “Truth or dare?” She smiled.
“Dare,” she answered.
“I dare you to MAKE OUT WITH RABIA OR AVEIL!”
“Well, considering I know where Rabia’s mouth has been…” she said with a shudder.
“Oh please, like you haven’t done the same thing,” Demise said. Nabooru punched him roughly in the shoulder, and ignored him.
“Anyway… Get to the tongue, I want to see this,” Sephiroth said with a nod.
“Okay,” she said. They then made out, which will not be described LOLOLOLOLOLSDKJHGJHFU. I had to excuse myself after watching a few minutes of this to go tend to my rather severe nose bleed. Once I returned, it was time for Nabooru to ask someone ‘truth or dare’. “Okay, Rabia, truth or dare?”
“Truth,” she said. Nabooru thought on this for a moment.
“Okay… If you had to… have sex with Link or have to eat twenty cows, which you have to kill yourself, which would you do?” she asked.
“I’d eat the cows. Because at least I could puke it up. If I had sex with Link I’d kill myself. I’m not even exaggerating. I seriously would kill myself. Shadow, truth or dare?”
“Dare!” he said with a grin.
“I dare you to make out with Sephiroth.”
“I take it back, truth!” he cried.
“Fine. I truth you to make out with Sephiroth,” she said. He cried out in protest.
“But he-- of all the people here, why him?! Can’t it be…. Someone like Veran?!”
“No! You woke me up! AND YOU BIT ME!”
“Can I just bite him?”
“No, you’d like that. And as much as I think Veran is ugly and it’d be a good punishment, it’d be way less amusing.” He sighed and whimpered, giving Rabia puppy dog eyes.
“But…. But….” Rabia closed her eyes and covered her ears.
“I’m not listening!” Before she opened her eyes, he quickly kissed Sephiroth.
“There! Mission accomplished,” he said. Rabia turned and looked at him.
“I said make out. Now do it.” Sephiroth went to protest as well, but was interrupted by Shadow making out with him. Everyone shuddered except Rabia who was laughing evilly. After a moment, he pulled away and spit multiple times to try to clean his mouth.
“Ugh…. Voldemort… Truth or dare?”
“Dare,” Voldemort said without hesitation.
“I dare you to use your crucio spell on Sephiroth!” he said. Voldemort shrugged.
“Crucio!” He pointed his wand at Sephiroth. Then, writhing in pain, he fell to the floor from his seat.
“Your turn, Voldy,” I said. Voldemort lifted the spell and looked around.
“Hmm… Rabia, truth or dare?”
“ugh… dare,” she grumbled.
“I dare you to eat this slice of bacon!” he said, holding up a small piece. Rabia walked over to him and ate it.
“We all knew you secretly liked meat, don’t lie,” Demise said. Rabia paled and threw up all over Voldemort’s shoes. Everyone laughed.
“Your turn again, Rabia!” I said.
“Demise, truth or dare?”
“Truth,” he said.
“Have you ever tried to play the oboe?” He blinked.
“The what?”
“The oboe. It’s a double reed instrument? … I’ll take that as a no,” she said as she snuck out of the room.
“Okayyy…. Ghirahim, truth or dare?”
“Dare!” he said with a grin.
“Die.” There was a silence in the room. “I dare you to, I mean.”
“Uhhh…. Well, don’t you --”
“Don’t worry, I’ll bring you back from the dead,” he said reassuringly. Ghirahim smiled.
“Okay, master. Whatever you say.” Then, he snapped his fingers and died. There was a silence.
“I’ll bring him back later,” he said.
“…Well now who is supposed to go, Demise?! You ruined the game!” I cried.
“I volunteer Rabia,” Shadow said. Rabia had just come back in.
“What? Why?! Wasn’t it just Demise’s turn?” she noticed Ghirahim dead on the floor. “Oh, COME ON.” She sighed. “Veran, truth or dare.”
“Truth,” she said.
“Why are you such a stupid bitch?”
“Because Ganondorf turned me once I had sex with him,” she answered. Rabia growled and crossed her arms. “Hey, you wanted to know.” She looked at Shadow. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare!” he said, inching closer to her.
“I dare you to tell your master to marry me,” she said with a smile.
“Well, he’s already married though,” he said. She raised an eyebrow.
“So?”
“Uhh… Okay, but I’m not promising anything,” he said.
“If it doesn’t happen…” she trailed off and narrowed her eyes at him. He inched away again, nervously laughing.
“Uhhhhhhhh…. Rabia, truth or dare!” he said, turning to her.
“Oh COME ON! Dare!” He snickered to himself.
“I dare youuu…. TO TEXT LINK AND SAY YOU LOVE HIM.”
“… I don’t have his number… and I don’t think he has a cell phone,” she said.
“Fine, then speak with him over Zelda’s phone!” he said. He took out his cell phone and dialed the princess’s number. “….Yoooo, waddup Zelda?!” he said, putting his phone on speaker.
“What do you want?” she asked rudely.
“You with dumb and dumber?” he asked her.
“What?”
“Are you with Link and Peach?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah? Why?”
“Give Link the phone please!” She grumbled and there was a shuffle on her line. After a moment, a voice came on the phone.
“Hello?”
“HEY LINK,” Shadow screamed.
“Uhh--”
“Here’s Rabia.” He handed the phone to her.
“Hey Link,” she said. “I need to tell you something. It’s important.”
“Okayyy…” he said, confused like usual. Nabooru jumped over to the phone quickly.
“Hi Link!” she chirped. Rabia pushed her away, shushing her.
“Who was that? What’s going on?” he asked.
“Sorry, I’m hanging out with Nabooru. She’s just b-”
“Oh, hi Nabooru!” he said. Rabia took a deep breath, trying to calm her irritated nerves.
“I have to tell you something important, so listen up.”
“Okay..” he said, falling silent.
“Hi Link!” Aveil added. Rabia pushed her too and gave them looks of disbelief.
“Was that Aveil? Hi Aveil!” he said. Rabia took another breath.
“Clearly you’re not going to listen but I’ll just say it anyway. Link, I love you. You are the grass to my pasture, the moon to my night and the sand to my desert. I love you so much.” There was a silence on his end for a moment.
“Wait, is this Nabooru? I’m confused,” he said. Suddenly, a click sounded on his line. A slur of beeping noises also came through.
“Hello?” a regal voice sounded.
“Whoa, hi? What?” Link said.
“Who’s there?” the voice asked.
“What did I press, why is someone on the line?” His voice sounded slightly distant, like he pulled it from his ear to look at the phone. “Zelda? What--”
“Is this Zelda and her friends? I need the phone honey,” the voice said.
“Dad, get off the line!” Zelda said, now speaking in Link’s place.
“Hi, Mr. Hyrule! This is Rabia. Mmmkay, Zelda I’m gonna go. I’ll see you later though!” She hung up and threw the phone at Shadow. “I fucking hate you.” He sighed.
“Link is too stupid! He didn’t make it fun!” he whined.
“Link sounds so cute on the phone,” Aveil said. Rabia blinked.
“Ew. We know you like girls, but really… okay…Demise, truth or dare?”
“Truth,” he said.
“Oh, don’t be so boring!” she sighed. “Fine… do you think I’m sexy,” she winked.
“Duhhhh,” he said. “Darth Vader, truth or dare?”
“Dare,” he said calmly.
“I dare you to end this game,” Demise said.
“Indeed, I agree. I find this game rather unamusing,” Vader agreed. I sighed.
“Fineeeeeee….” I said sadly.
“We can leave? Sweet. Shadow, bring me home.” He shrugged.
“Okey,” he said.
“Bring us too!” Nabooru said, grabbing Aveil’s arm and following the other two out the door.
“Ugh, fine…” he sighed.
“Don’t forget to talk to Vaati!” Veran called after them.
When I looked back to the table, everyone but Vader and Voldemort were gone. I sighed.
“We’ll help you clean up,” Vader said, standing and helping pick up plates. I smiled at my friends.
“Thank you,” I said. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up.

END