A League of Villains

I was once again sitting in my large golden chair, facing my fellow villains. Our topic of the day was deciding how to distract the world leaders long enough to sneak the bomb in without them noticing. None of us could think of anything. I held my head in my hands for a moment, when I noticed Rabia wasn’t there.

“Wait, wait.” I said, interrupting Vaati’s suggestion to turn them into stone. “Does anyone know where Rabia is?” Vaati crosses his arms and huffed, offended that I had interrupted his speech and swallowed his potato. Everyone shrugged nonchalantly. “Well, we can’t continue without Rabia! She might have an idea...” I said. Scar suddenly growled and nipped at Wario’s fingers. “Wario, stop pulling Scar’s tail.” I reprimanded.

“WHAT IF SHADOW LINK KILLED HER?!” Sephiroth said dramatically, pointing at the accused.

What?! Why would I do that?! That’s stupid!” He retorted. “Maybe SEPHIROTH killed her! Because he couldn’t have Rabia rights!” The two of them started bickering back and forth. Everyone watched the two of them for a few minutes, totally drained of any distracting ideas.

“WAIT! I’VE GOT IT!” Iago said. “What if I flew in there and just... like... acted all parroty! That would distract them.” he said.

“The world leaders might be dumb, but they aren’t retarded.” Voldemort said. “They aren’t like that little sultan of yours, who falls for every fucking trick.”

“Hey, hey, it was just an idea!” Iago said. “Besides, I don’t see YOU coming up with anything, Baldy.”

“Oh you just HAD to go there, didn’t you?!” Voldemort snapped, standing up. Iago and Voldemort also started attacking each other verbally. I sighed and leaned my head on the cool table.

“Why?” I asked to no one in particular. Darth Vader gave me a sympathetic (well, what I assumed was sympathetic, it’s hard to tell with the helmet) look from across the table, understanding my pain. Suddenly we heard the door open, and everyone looked up.
A short, young, tired looking gerudo girl walked in and dragged herself to the seat next to me. Before she could sit down, everyone had jumped up and started questioning her.

“Who the fuck are you!?” Shadow Link said.

“Why the hell is there a gerudo in here? Besides Ganondorf?” Vaati asked confused.

“What the fuck?!” Voldemort asked. “HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT OUR EVIL MEETINGS?!”

“Guys, relax!” I cried. “This is Rabia. She is a gerudo now. Can we please carry on with our meeting?” They all sat back down. “Now that we’re done fighting... does anyone have any idea how to distract the leaders and their guards?”

“Oh! What if we turn the GUUUUARDS into stone?!” Vaati said through a mouthful of peas.
“Vaati... we aren’t turning anyone into stone.” I said, shaking my head.

“Well aren’t you a party pooper.” he replied, turning back to his iPod game. There was another silence that seemed to last an eternity.

“Oh! I got it!” Rabia announced. “I could pretend to be a girl scout! And sell them cookies. Then we will get their money AAAAAND their power!” she said.

“You... you really think you could pull off looking like a 12 year old girl?” Shadow Link asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well... yeah, I’m not very tall.” Rabia replied shrugging.

“You know, this just might work...” I said, stroking my chin thoughtfully.

“DUDE YOUR BOOBS ARE HUGE YOU CANNOT BE A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL!” Shadow yelled. There was an awkward silence. Rabia shrunk down in her chair.

“They.... aren’t that big Shadow. Besides, why the hell were you looking?” she demanded.
“Well COME ON! They’re like, RIGHT THERE!”

“Okay, can we stop talking about this? I’m sure she’ll figure out how to fix her... problem.” I suggested. “Anyways, so we will turn Rabia into a girl scout who will be selling them
cookies. But! What if we get the WHOLE TROOP OF GIRL SCOUTS to distract them? Huh? Like, they could be earning a patch or something.” I said.

“OMG SHEIK AND I CAN PLAY MUSIC.” Rabia said. “Besides, we all know Sheik can pull off dressing as a girl, and I’m pretty sure there is actually a music patch.”

“Okay, so now we know how to distract the leaders... but how are we going to distract the guards?” I asked.

“WE CAN TUUUURN THEM TO STOOOOONE!” Vaati yelled, slamming his fist down on the table. I sighed.

“Vaati, if it will make you happy, then yes we will turn the guards to stone!” I huffed.

“Yayyy!” He went to jump from his seat and cheer, but his cape was caught under the leg of the seat, so he fell backwards instead. Rabia giggled at Vaati insanely as Shadow Link helped him up. Vaati regained his composure, and went to sit back down but unfortunately his chair was still on the floor. Rabia laughed harder at poor Vaati as Shadow Link helped him up once more. Vaati was blushing madly from embarrassment and Shadow Link righted his chair. This time Vaati sat down without any problems and coughed. “Carry on.” he said.

“Okay so... recap of the plan. Rabia and Sheik are going to dress as girl scouts and distract the world leaders by playing music and selling cookies. Vaati is going to turn the guards to stone so Robotnik can sneak the bomb in. Once it’s in there we will threaten the leaders and make them bow to us. Everyone got it?” I asked. They all nodded.

“But how are we going to keep Sheik from telling Link and the others about our plan?” Darth Vader inquired, folding his hands together.

“Oh, don’t worry Mr. Vader.” Rabia said. “I know how to keep people quiet.” She grinned. Shadow Link also grinned.

“You are an evil, evil little gerudo, Rabia.” he said. “But really... how the FUCK are you going to pull off looking like a 12 year old girl?! I’m just curious.”

“No, you’re just perverted! But if you MUST know, I will use bandages. I guess I could just use Sheik’s.”

“Um, do you think he’ll wanna use those on his face after they’ve been on your tits?” Shadow asked. Rabia glared and slapped him upside the head.

“I’m done with this conversation, Shadow. We know you love girls, and you love boobs, so just stop asking.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry.” he muttered.

“Wait... who’s going to make a girl scout uniform for me and Sheik? Who here can sew?” There was a silence. “Come on. I know about half of you can sew. Now who wants to do it?” Slowly, ever so slowly, Vaati raised his hand. Rabia started giggling at him again. “Oh my god, Vaati! You’re so awkwardly adorable!” she said.

“We all know Vaati is cute.” Shadow said. “But lets carry on. So Rabia and Sheik will distract the world leaders by pretending to be girl scouts selling cookies and playing music. Vaati will turn the guards to stone and Robotnik will sneak in the bomb. Then we will threaten them, they’ll bow to us, blah blah blah who gives a fuck. Who is going to make the cookies?”

“Um, no one? Duh. I mean, if we actually gave them cookies in return for their money, that would be really... unevil.” Rabia stated.

“But that’s stealing.” Shadow said. Rabia sighed.

“You’re just not... getting the whole evil thing, here Shadow.” He thought about it for a minute.

“OOOOH, right. right. Sorry. Well, who will be the one talking to the leaders then?”

“Zant or Darth Vader.” Ganondorf suggested. “I’m definitely not fucking talking to those
losers. It’s hard enough talking to Link. Imagine trying to talk to a room FULL of people as stupid as Link.” he shuddered.

“I'll do it.” Darth Vader offered. “I have... people skills...”

“Good. So our plan is all set.” Rabia said. “Are we done here? I’m fucking tired. I was out all night clubbing with Zelda. And actually, as a gerudo, there were a lot more people there who thought I was hot!” Vaati took an awkwardly large bite of the pig leg he was eating. Ganondorf eyed the pork angrily, but said nothing.

“But... you were hot before!” Sephiroth said.

“That... honestly that is incredibly creepy, I’m not going to lie.” Rabia said. “Zant, is there anything here that doesn’t have pork in it?!”

“Well... yes, yes there is! I remembered you were a vegetarian, so I left pork out of this ONE, TINY BOWL OF SQUASH!” I told her, passing her the bowl.

“Wait, is this the only thing that ISN’T pork?!” Ganondorf asked. I nodded. Before he had the chance to leap for the squash, Rabia spit in the bowl.

“And now its mine!” she said, satisfied. Ganondorf glared at her and sat back in his seat grumbling. She giggled. “Well, anyway, I should probably go get Sheik... And Vaati should start making those costumes so we actually have them!” She stood from her seat and exited the room. Sephiroth and Shadow Link glanced at each other from the corner of their eyes, then quickly raced after her.

“She will be MIIIIIIIIINE!” we heard Sephiroth call from out the door. We all sat there in silence for a while.

“Erm... Well, I guess this meeting is concluded for now... Uhh... Yeah.” I adjusted my party wig and left the room to prepare for our doomsday thing. Vaati followed me into my living room (no pun intended) and plopped down on my couch. I stared at him. “Vaati, why are you still here? Shouldn’t you be making those costumes?”

“Well I need to know their measurements first! Sheesh, don’t you know a thing about this stuff? I’m just going to wait here for them, duh.” He folded his hands in his lap and stared right back at me.

“Uhh... okay... Are you just going to sit here then?”

“Yup.”

“.......This is awkward.” We sat there awkwardly together. Vaati was curiously looking around my living room and I folded my hands in my lap. “Um...I have Uno... if you’d like to play that.” I offered. Suddenly we heard the door open and some sounds of struggling. I walked to the door and saw Rabia, Sephiroth and Shadow carrying a thrashing, angry Sheik. They quickly dragged/carried him to the living room and placed him on the couch.

“Sheik! Sheik calm doooown.” Rabia said. “We aren’t going to hurt you or anything. Geeze.” she said, patting his head.

“Who are you?!” He cried, struggling against his bonds.

“Oh, shit I keep forgetting I look different. I”m Rabia. Duh.”

“Mmm bondage...” Shadow Link winked.

“Oh yeah, okay.” Sheik said, thinking all of this was normal somehow. “Why am I here now?” Vaati stood and walked over to the random sewing machine I had in the corner... for some reason...

“Sheik, take your bandages off so we can measure you,” Rabia said. Sheik gave her a weird look.

“Uhhhh.... no?”

“Uhhhh.... yes!” Rabia said, starting to unwrap the bandages. He tried to back away, but didn’t succeed with Sephiroth and Shadow blocking the way. After a few moments of struggle, his bandages were off and Vaati started measuring.

“I feel so exposed,” Sheik said, folding his arms angrily as he stood there uncomfortably. Rabia giggled and put the bandages on the table beside them.

“Sheeeeeik, you’re so cuuuuute,” she said. Sephiroth coughed obnoxiously behind them. Rabia ignored him. “Anyways... I’ll be right back...” she said, picking up the bandages. “Where the fuck is your bathroom Zant?” she asked.

“Down the hall, first door on the left.” I answered. She smiled and skipped out of the room.
“So... Sheik...” Shadow said, winking. “Are you bisexual? or are you 100% straight?” Vaati wrapped the measuring tape around Sheik’s chest.

“Um.... I’m uhh engaged...”

“That didn’t answer my question, Sheik.” Shadow said, inching closer to the uncomfortable Sheikah.

“Um... well....Shadow Link, you’re a creep. I’m straight.”

“That will make it more fun for me, sexy.” Shadow winked. Sheik coughed and backed away again as Vaati measured his height. Rabia skipped back out of the bathroom and grinned.

“Do I look good?” she asked, grinning and playing with one of her new pigtails.

“Daaaaaaaamn, hey there, girl.” Shadow said, winking once more. Rabia giggled, which she does often.

“Thanks, Shadow. Are you almost done measuring Sheik, Vaati? I’m tired of waiting.”

“Sheesh, you’re impatient. I’m almost done,” Vaati replied, measuring Sheik’s inseam.

“So, if you guys don’t mind, could you tell me what’s going on? Or why I’m here at least?” Sheik said. Rabia looked at Vaati, then Shadow, then Sephiroth, then me.

“Should we tell him?” she asked. We nodded. “Sheik... you have to swear to keep this a secret from everyone... Especially Link. Or I will personally bring you to my torture chamber and whip you for nine days NONSTOP! Ahem...” She cleared her throat. Shadow giggled.

“When I was whipped in that torture chamber it wasn’t all that bad, though.” Everyone just stared at him wide-eyed. “Kiddddding... Sheesh.”

“I swear!” Sheik said, eyes wide.

“Okay... well we have an evil plan. We need you to help us distract people momentarily. You and I are going to be pretending to be girl scouts selling cookies, and we’re also going to play music. So we’re measuring you to make your girl scout uniform.” Rabia said quickly. Sheik narrowed his eyes.

“Why do I have to be a girl?! Don’t you think I’m a bit tall to be seen as a girl scout?” Everyone laughed but Sheik. “...What’s so funny?!”

“Sheik... come here.” Vaati pulled Sheik over to him to compare height... Vaati was almost a head taller... and Vaati is really short.

“...Oh whatever!” Sheik cried. Rabia giggled and stood next to Sheik.

“You’re only, like, an inch taller than me, Sheik! I think you are perfect to be a girl scout! We just have to do your hair...” she said, looking at Sheik from head to toe. “Whoa sorry I wasn’t checking you out.... maybe.” she said. Vaati grabbed his tape measure and walked over to Rabia. Sheik sat back down on the couch.

“Can I have my bandages back yet?” he asked.

“After we are girl scouts you can have them back.” Rabia said as Vaati took her hips and waist measurements.

“But why AFTER?!”

“Because, SHEIK! Normal girls - normal people in general - don’t cover their faces with bandages!” Rabia scolded.

“Oh FINE.” He said. “But I’m not a girl right now, so why can’t I have them?”

“Because I said so.”

“Holy shit!” Vaati yelled suddenly, jumping about a foot in the air. Shadow Link had snuck up and grabbed him from behind.

“Do you mind if I help you out, master?” he asked.

“Oh! You want to learn to sew Shadow?” Vaati asked enthusiastically.

“...sure! lets go with that.”

“Okay! Well, let me finish these measurements and I’ll teach you.” Vaati said. I yawned and glanced at Sephiroth.

“Wanna play Uno?” I asked, shuffling the cards in my hands. He shrugged.

“Sure, why not.” He sat across from me and I started dealing out the cards. Vaati rolled up his measuring tape and pulled out some fabric from somewhere only the goddesses know of.

“Okay Shadow! Lets get started!” Vaati said, sitting down at the sewing machine. Rabia sat down next to Sheik and poked his tummy.

“Hey. Hey Sheik, you’re pretty hot without your bandages. Hahaha... But really. You’re pretty hot.”

“Um... thanks I guess.” he said, moving away from the gerudo. Rabia smiled at him, but otherwise didn’t try to creep on the poor, uncomfortable Sheikah. Shadow Link plopped down, filling the last seat of the couch.

“GOD DAMMIT, I WANT SOME RABIA RIGHTS!” Sephiroth yelled angrily.

“That’s too bad.” Shadow said. “So Rabia... I’m digging the pigtails. They’re pretty cute.”

“Thanks!” she giggled. Sheik was looking around awkwardly.

“So uhh... Can we just get this over with then?” he asked.

“The costumes aren’t even done yet! Hold onto your pants, Sheik,” Vaati said. We gave him weird looks at that phrase because... well, it sounds silly. Rabia giggled once more.

“Hehe! Pants.” she said. She reached over and poked Sheik in the side. He squirmed and gave her an incredulous look.

“Why did you just tickle me?”

“OOOOH! So you’re TICKLISH Sheik?”

“Uh... no! No I’m not.” he said, inching away from her. She reached over and started tickling his sides, grinning evilly. He squirmed and laughed. “No, stop! This isn’t fair! Everyone always tickles meee!” he cried.

“MUAHAHAHA.” Rabia laughed, no longer tickling Sheik.

“I want in on this sexy tickle party!” Shadow said, smiling.

“How is tickling sexy?” Rabia asked. Shadow grinned, and poked her side. “Hey! Ow! There is a bone there.” she said, pushing his hands away. “Why are you trying to tickle me? Sheik is the giggly one!”

“I will tickle you, and you will like it!” Shadow said, tickling her sides. She giggled a very high pitched, girly giggle and Sheik rolled his eyes at their craziness.

“Hey! I STILL WANT RABIA RIGHTS!” Sephiroth cried, running over to tickle Rabia as well. Sheik got out of the way, glad that the tickly torture was over for him. He walked over and stood next to me.

“Are they always like this?” he asked, watching as the gerudo tried to escape the two horny men tickling her.

“Yes... yes they are...” I replied, shaking my head.

“Aha! They are finished!” Vaati suddenly cried, rushing over with the costumes. Sheik sighed.
“Do I really have to wear that?” he said, eyeing what Vaati was holding.

“Yes. Yes you do.” he replied, thrusting Sheik’s costume at him. “Go try it on.” he said, pushing Sheik towards the bathroom. Rabia finally escaped Shadow and Sephiroth, and hid behind me. Vaati handed her the costume as Sheik walked out of the bathroom, his head hanging in shame.

“Why did it have to be a skirt?” he asked. Rabia walked out of the room, and returned shortly after wearing the same outfit.

“Awe! Sheik! You look so cute! But we really should do something with your hair...” she said.

“Uh, NO.” Sheik yanked the uniform off and threw it at Vaati. Vaati blinked, and then covered his eyes.

“Ah! Sheik! You’re naked!” he cried. Sheik pulled on his clothes and stormed out angrily while Rabia just looked confused.

“Awe... poor Sheik. I think we upset him.” she said. “Oh well. I’m going to go change,” she said, walking out of the room. Shadow looked at Vaati.

“Master... when we get home do you wanna take a bubble bath?”

“Have you ever known me to turn down a bubble bath?!” Vaati asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet excitedly. Shadow grinned. Rabia returned and tossed her costume into Vaati’s arms as well.

“I prefer the red. Green just isn’t my color.” she said, wrinkling her nose. “I’ll see you guys at our next meeting. I’m going home to take a nap. Bye Zant!” she hugged me tight. “Bye Vaati, Shadow and Sephiroth.” she called as she closed the door. Shadow glanced at Vaati and grinned.

“Lets go take a bubble bath.” he said. Vaati nodded and they too left, though they were rather in a hurry. Sephiroth looked from me, to the discarded Uno cards on the coffee table.

“Shall we continue?” He asked. I rubbed my hands together and nodded.

“You’re going down.” I grinned, picking up my deck.