A League of Villains

“Alright guys, today is the day we will take over the world! NYEAAAHAHAHAHA!” I said as my fellow villains cheered. “Well, as soon as Rabia and Sheik arrive that is... Ganondorf, where is your wife?” He shrugged.

“No idea.” I sighed loudly and exaggeratedly.

“How do you NOT know where your wife is?” I asked in an annoyed tone. He shrugged once more. “Ughhh, you are no help...” Shadow, from the other side of the table, snickered.
“I bet I know where sh-- OOF!” He was elbowed in the side by Vaati, who was coughing loudly and violently, trying to cover up what his servant was saying.

“Aheh, she’s probably uhh cleaning her bathroom...” Vaati said unconvincingly and quite suspiciously. Ganondorf narrowed his eyes at him.

“Cleaning the bathroom? What did you--”

“So anyway, I made the updates to the costumes you asked for,” he continued loudly, setting the skirts and things on the table. “I made them more slutty like you asked me to.”

“Good!” I said. Rabia and Sheik finally arrived all out of breath.

“Sorry! My horse died on the way here so we had to run.” Rabia said. I just stared at her.

“Your... horse died.” I said, shaking my head. “How does that even happen?”

“Um... I don’t really know. I think I took a really old horse or something.” she shrugged
and sat down in her chair. Shadow Link instantly started giggling and Vaati elbowed him in the ribs again.

“Aheh! AHEH! Ahem,” Shadow Link coughed. “Sorry, I have a bit of a cough.” He jumped and cried out as he was kicked from across the table. “Sephiroth, why did you--” he started.
“Because I despise you. You don’t even understand...” he said darkly.

“Alright, alright, let’s set aside our difference for just ten minutes,” I said. “Now, can you two put the costumes on so we can see how they look?” Sheik shook his head.

“Nooo way! You just want to see it because you’re a creep,” he said angrily. I gasped.

“That is a LIE! We just need to see how it looks!”

“Yeah, okay then.” Sheik said, rolling his eyes.

“Come on Sheik! Lets go try these on.” Rabia said, picking up the costume and skipping out of the room cheerfully. Sheik just shook his head and followed her awkwardly into the bathroom. A moment passed and Vaati started whistling. Ganondorf glared at him across the table but Vaati didn’t notice and just continued to whistle. Finally Rabia and Sheik returned. Sheik was trying to hide behind Rabia because his skirt was too short for his comfort.

“Nice ass Sheik.” Shadow Link said, winking at him. Sheik rolled his eyes but otherwise ignored him.

“Green SO isn’t my color.” Rabia said, making a face. “So anyway, do we look sexy enough guys?”

“No. More cleavage.” I said.

“Oh Dear Din...” Ganondorf said, shaking his head.

“You would look a looooot sexier if you were sitting on my lap.” Sephiroth said. Rabia just laughed.

“You’re so silly Sephiroth.” she said, thinking he was joking.

“I’d buy your cookies then.” he said. She just laughed again and shook her head.

“Are you wearing a thong? You should have a thong on. A fishnet thong.” I nodded.

“Oh, and a gag, You should definitely be wearing a gag,” Sephiroth added.

“Should we also install a pole in the room you guys will be performing in?” I asked.

“Really? Really? Why are we still talking about this?” Ganondorf asked.

“We can move it to your bedroom afterwards if you want.” I offered. Rabia just stared at us wide-eyed and then walked out of the room.

“I hope you’re satisfied! You see what you do?!” Sheik cried.

“No, I’m not satisfied. Come satisfy me, Sheik,” Shadow said seductively from the other side of the room.

“You guys are sick! I’m out of here,” he said, turning to leave.

“Nice ass,” half the room said in unison.

“Shut up!” he called after himself, running out of the room. Rabia returned a moment later with a popsicle.

“Where’s Sheik?” she asked, glancing around the room. Everyone remained silent for a moment.

“Where’d you get the popsicle?” Jafar asked.

“The moon. No, where do you think I got it?” she replied sarcastically. He folded his arms and grumbled. “Iago, you should move so I can have your seat. There’s no way I’m sitting next to Shadow Link and across from Sephiroth in this outfit.” Iago and Sauron moved down a seat and Rabia sat next to Ganondorf. “Hey sexy.” she winked. He mumbled and continued sitting in silence.

“But really... I’ll go order that pole right now...” Sephiroth stood and left the room.

“So anyway, once that pole is set up, I think we’ll be all set. There’s no way those leaders can resist two sexy women. Or... A sexy lady and Sheik in disguise... Same thing really.” I took a sip of the soup that I forgot to mention was in front of me -- it was cream of mushroom. “Mmmm, delicious...”

“Why does this require a pole? That’s a little extreme and unnecessary, don’t you think?” Scar added.

“Yeah! Yeah, I agree.” Ganondorf said grumpily.

“Well... poles are sexy.” Shadow Link said. “So your argument is invalid.”

“... I probably won’t use the pole.” Rabia said, shaking her head at the crazy people sitting at the table.

“Don’t make me have to force you to use it,” the horny shadow said. She threw her shoe at him, which missed and landed in my soup.

“Great! Now I have soup all over my wig!” I dabbed at it with a napkin. Curious, I also tasted the soup. “Wow, it surprisingly tastes better with this shoe in it.”

“Ew Zant...” Rabia said, making a face at me. “Okay so, since these outfits are apparently sexy enough for this task, shall we head on over to the meeting now? Or are we going to wait for the pole?”

“We’re going to wait for the pole.” I replied, staring at her. She shifted uncomfortably, as half the table’s eyes were on her.

“What?” she asked. There was a silence. “Um... I’m just going to... go throw out this popsicle stick...” she said, walking out of the room.

“... She has a nice ass too.” Shadow Link said with a grin. Ganondorf glared at him but didn’t say anything. Rabia returned, tugging Sheik in behind her.

“So what are we going to do while we wait for Sephiroth?” she asked, sitting on Ganondorf’s lap and offering her chair to Sheik. Sheik sat down hesitantly, giving Sauron and Ganondorf wary looks. Ganon grumbled angrily and crossed his arms.

“Hehehe... I know what we could do, Rabia.” Shadow winked. She rolled her eyes at him and didn’t reply. Sheik shifted awkwardly as Shadow turned his attention to him. “I still think you have a nice ass Sheik. Would you mind letting me have another look?” he grinned. Sheik glared at him and crossed his arms.

“Not funny Shadow.” Sheik said. We heard the front door open and Sephiroth walked in carrying a large box that we assumed contained the stripper pole.
“Hey guys! Should I just set this up in here for Rabia to practice? You know what, I’ll just do that -- no need to answer the question,” he said, opening the box with his massive sword.\
“I already said I wasn’t going to use it.” she said. “Maybe SHEIK would like to use it instead! I bet he loves to dance on stripper poles, right Sheik?” He glared at her and slowly shook his head, remaining silent. Sephiroth cleared his throat noisily.

“Well, you never know. You might use it! So you should definitely give it a shot,” he said.

“I agree with the one who has a name that sounds like an STD,” Shadow Link said.
Others at the table either nodded or remained unmoved.

“See, that’s like... three, four, five...” He trailed off as he counted the number of people at the table. “That’s like fifteen people who agree! Therefore, you HAVE to do it!”

“I only dance like a whore for Ganondorf or Zelda. Sorry.” she said, sticking her tongue out at Shadow Link. He sighed, and Sephiroth gasped.

“You’re bisexual too?! Oh this just keep getting better and better...” He was punched in the arm by Shadow Link before the two gave up and just returned to their seats.

“I’m not bisexual. Zelda just wanted to make sure she wasn’t going clubbing with someone who couldn’t dance like a whore.” Rabia shrugged. Sheik shook his head slowly.

“My sister is so damn weird...” Sheik said.

“You’re all damn weird. Are we almost done here?” Ganondorf asked. I shrugged.

“Well, with the meeting I guess we are. Should we head for the place where the world leaders meet now?” I asked.

“Probably soon,” Darth Vader said. I nodded.

“Alright then! Lead the way, Voldemort!” I cheered.

“Wait a secooond. I have to go throw u- I mean pee.” Rabia said, walking out of the room. Ganondorf narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

“Is it me, or did she just almost say throw up?” he asked.

“Here, Robotnik, let me help you with that bomb!” Vaati said, rushing ahead to help him carry the bomb. Shadow Link stared after his master as he attempted to lift the bomb. Eventually, he just gave up and made a magical dark hand carry it instead.

“Good idea, Lord Vaati! Genius!” he cheered. Vaati bowed, knocking his butt into the bomb and nearly knocking it over.

“Watch it, you twit! Do you want this to blow us up instead?” Robotnik cried. The two left the room, along with a few others. Shadow went to stand from his chair and leave the room, when Ganondorf blocked his path.

“Excuse me,” he said. Ganon narrowed his eyes at the shadow.

“I know you two creeps did something to Rabia,” he said ominously, staring down at him.

“Nope, I swear on it,” Shadow said, trying to push him out of the way. Annoyed, Ganondorf lifted the shadow by his shirt (tunic, whatever!).

“I know you’re lying, I’m not stupid,” he said angrily.

“Well, obviously you’re not that smart if you haven’t figured out what we did then.” He threw him back down and stormed out of the room.

“Shadow, what did you do NOW?” Ghirahim asked, offering to help him up.

“Oh, you’ll see... You’ll see...” he said with a snicker, leaving the room as well. Rabia walked back in and stared at everyone.

“Well, what are you still doing in here? We have to be there soon!” she chided, pushing everyone towards the door. Everyone filed outside, where Voldemort was standing before the assembled villains holding a dirty boot.

“This, my friends, is a portkey. We must all touch it and we will be transported to the meeting hall.” he said. Everyone put a finger on it and Voldemort counted. “One, two, three!” There was a jerking feeling in the pit of all their stomachs and everything melded into spinning, swirling colors and sounds. Finally they landed in the parking lot of the meeting hall. Rabia grabbed Sheik’s arm and tugged him to the door, where they were able to sneak in all girl scout like. Robotnik had been smart and brought a portable surveillance van (yes, those exist now), so half of us piled into that. The other half sat in the parking lot, eating chili dogs or playing hacky sack.

“Alright, so I set some cameras in the conference room and in the hallways surrounding the room,” Robotnik said, typing codes and stuff in and being all tech savvy.

“Wait, why can’t we just -- Oh wait, I want to keep that idea to myself...” Shadow started. “Uhh, master, I need to have a word with you...” The two stepped out from the van.

“So we can see everything that goes on?” I asked, intrigued by the things Dr. Robotnik could make and/or do.

“Yep, we can hear everything too,” he said.

“It’s like magic...” I said, fascinated.

“Uhh.. not really, but if you say so,” he said, typing more coded things in. “Alright, see? They’re knocking on the door of the conference room.”

“Where? I don’t see it,” I said, staring at the screen intently. He sighed.

“Camera B, Zant,” Darth Vader said, turning my head in the direction of another screen.
“Ohhh, now I see them,” I said, satisfied. We all stared as someone opened the door, and welcomed them into the private meeting.

“Ha! I knew this would work! They’re all so stupid and trusting...” Iago cheered. Jafar laughed in agreement and sat back to watch the two “girl scouts” put on their show. Robotnik tied the bomb to Iago’s leg and sent him to fly it inside. About halfway through the last song, Robotnik turned on a camera pointed at Darth Vader’s face. On our screen we could see it took up half the wall of the building the leaders were in. Rabia and Sheik faked their fear and ran out of the building to join us in the van.

“Hello World Leaders!” Darth Vader’s deep voice boomed loudly. “Today is the day that you will finally bow to H.O.P.E.” The world leaders looked at each other confused. Darth Vader sighed, and quickly added, “Heartless Oppressors Preforming Evils...” The leaders nodded in understanding and motioned for him to continue. “Now, let’s get right down to business. There is a highly reactive bomb under the building you are all sitting in now. It will detonate in exactly six minutes unless you all surrender power over your countries or nations. If you hand over your land and all power over it, we will spare your lives. If you do not, we will kill you all, then unleash our troops on your towns and cities -- causing war, famine, etc etc. Now, what shall you choose? Better decide quickly, we are only giving you two minutes to decide. Good luck, foolish beings.” The screen went black, with all the world leaders looking around shocked and worried.

Back in the van, we were all cheering and celebrating with some champagne I had brought along for the occasion. “‘Good luck, foolish beings!’ Ohh, that was a great touch! Look at their faces! Watch them suffer! Ahoooh, I love it!” Jafar cried, taking a sip from his glass. I laughed at his enthusiasm, and at the expressions on the world leader’s faces.

“My favorite part was when Sheik and Rabia were singing.” Shadow said, magically appearing back in the van all of a sudden. “It was pretty fucking hot.” Sephiroth nodded in agreement.

“Okay well, our two minutes is almost up. Is Iago ready to make the bomb go all... explody?” I asked, sipping from my cup as well. Robotnik looked at one of the many screens, searching for the bird. He spotted him then nodded.

“He looks ready to me.” Robotnik said.

“Good. Everyone shut up so Vader can get back on camera!” I said. The rest of the villains fell silent. Robotnik turned Vader’s camera back on.

“I trust you have made your decision.” he said, getting the attention of everyone in the meeting hall. The leaders nodded, and one of them in particular stood.

“We have,” he started.

“Well, do tell.”

“We have decided... we will hand over our land and all power over it...” he said, looking down ashamed.

“Very well. You shall live... but, you shall serve as our slaves for all eternity. Good day.” The screen went black once more, and a majority of the leaders held their heads in their hands and cried.

“‘Good day’?! Ohhh, you get me every time! Look at their pain! Ohhh I just love it!” Jafar said once more, nearly falling over in laughter. Darth Vader thanked Jafar for his kind words, and sipped from his champagne glass with a straw. Vaati and Shadow were dancing together in a jig like fashion, clearly pleased with the events outcome. Many of the other villains were partying as well, except for an angry looking Ganondorf who was glaring at Shadow and Vaati from across the parking lot. Rabia and Sheik were being congratulated for their wonderful show by Ghirahim, who was also asking them for tips on how to be so sexy. Iago flew over to Ganondorf and landed on the roof of a car nearby.

“What’s your problem, Ganondorf?” he asked in his annoying little voice. He swatted Iago away and continued glaring at his enemies.

“I know they did something... I just can’t figure out what...” He snapped his fingers. “Aha! I’ll just torture the answer out of them! It’s perfect!” He walked toward them, crushing Iago under his foot as he did so. “Hey, Vaati, I need to talk to you for a moment.” Vaati turned to face the large gerudo man. In the background, Rabia scooped up the poor, squished bird and patted him on the head.

“Y-yes, Ganondorf?” he said, sipping from his drink. Ganondorf wrapped an arm around Vaati’s shoulder and led him away from the rest of the group.

“I need you to tell me something.” Ganondorf said, staring at Vaati.

“Yeah? And what is that?” he asked, looking up at him.

“What, exactly, did you do to Rabia?” he asked.

“Technically, I didn’t do anything to her. In my defense, it’s mostly your doing,” he answered.

“What are you talking about, Vaati?” Ganon growled, grabbing him by the collar of his tunic.

“Now now, no need to get angry with me. This is more your fault then mine, really,” he said, knowing he was only making Ganondorf more and more angry.

“What the FUCK did you do?!” Ganon yelled, resisting the urge to shake the tiny man.

“That would ruin all the fun if I told you! I’ll just let Rabia tell you when she’s ready.”
Ganondorf growled again and shoved Vaati to the ground and stormed away.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” he mumbled to himself, shoving Scar out of his way. Vaati snickered and took a sip of his champagne, getting more enjoyment out of this than he thought he would. Well, out of getting revenge on Ganondorf, not the champagne. But he was enjoying the champagne too. I watched these events unfold as well, sitting in a random lawn chair that Darth Maul had brought along.

“Great night, isn’t it Maul?” I asked, looking over at him. He shrugged, flipping a page in the gardening magazine he was reading. I happily sighed, and looked back over to enjoy the scenery. The grass was green, the cars were shiney, and the afternoon sun was tempting enough for a cat nap. Everything was perfect (except of course Ganon’s crankiness, but that is pretty much normal) so far, and the world leader’s despair made everything even better. We all reached out to touch the portkey again, and Voldemort said some nonsense words that returned us all home.