A League of Villains

“Hello my friends. I am rather excited to say that this is our first meeting in our brand new fortress!” I said. My fellow villains cheered loudly, their voices echoing in the large room. “Yes, yes, I know it is rather exciting. The hero torture has also already begun, as you have probably noticed from the absence of Shadow and Rabia.” There was another small cheer from the group. I held my hand up and they fell silent. “We have gotten rid of our biggest threats, and now the world is officially ours!” They hesitated on the cheer this time, but after an awkwardly long pause they let out a cheer louder than the ones before.

I was about to speak again when Rabia and Shadow walked in. Shadow was grinning and giggling cheerfully, Rabia was blood splattered and tired looking.

“So, how is it going?” I asked as they took their seats. Rabia yawned.

“Well they were screaming rather loudly.” Shadow said, grinning from ear to ear. “And I’m pretty sure Rabia almost broke one of Link’s ribs.” he said, laughing obnoxiously.

“Good! So it’s all going according to plan.” I said. “We were about to talk about how we are going to rule our continents.”

“...As long as they all know I’m sexy, I don’t give a fuck.” Rabia said, laying her head down on the table and yawning again.

“Well... okay then.” I said. “Ganondorf, do you have any idea what laws the three of you want for Africa?” I asked. He tossed a scroll towards me, which landed on the table with a heavy thud. “Oh. I see... Well okay then! How about you, Ursula?"

“I will make my people SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF MY WRAAAATH!” she screeched. I just stared at her for a moment.

“Ursula, maybe that isn’t the best idea. After all, we want out people to like us, so we can turn them against the heroes. Remember?”

“Oh. Right. Well... I guess I’ll get some better traffic laws in place and go from there.” she nodded. “Do you know how many fish accidents there are? It’s crazy.”

“...Well fish aren’t exactly smart, and neither are humans, so I can see where all the merpeople go wrong.” Rabia giggled. Ursula stared at her.

“You used to be part fish!” she said.

“Um, actually I was a zora. They are WAAAY different. And they’re actually not retarded.” Ursula huffed but didn’t reply.

“Um... okay then... Voldemort, how about you?”

“All the wizards have to work for me or they will DIE! Oh, and we’re going fix the caste system up a bit as well.” Voldemort said.

“Sounds good! Demise?”

“Fixing the economy of the US and Mexico, making sure no one fucks up Canada.” he shrugged.

“Awesome! Sauron, how’s Australia?”

“I love Australia.” he said. “I’m just going to shorten the tourist season so the local people can enjoy the beaches more.”

“Um, alright then. Bowser and Darth Maul, what are your plans?”

“We are stripping the royal families of all their power and usurping them.” Bowser said.

“The royal families don’t have any power anymore though... they’re basically just celebrities... but whatever. Robotnik and Jafar, what are you doing in South America?”

“We are going to take care of the poverty situation hopefully...” Robotnik said. “I need money to make my gadgets, so these people need to pay me taxes. If they don’t have money they can’t pay taxes.” he said. I nodded.

“Well alright then! Vaati is still sure he wants to build bowling allies and incubation units for the penguins... so that’s what we’ll be doing.” I shrugged. Vaati grinned and nodded enthusiastically.

“Teaching the penguins to bowl is my main goal!” he said.

“Well, since we’ve got this covered, I think Rabia should take us on a tour of this fortress she designed.” I said. There was an awkward silence as everyone turned to look at Rabia, who had once again fallen asleep. “Rabia. Rabia stop sleeping. Rabia...” I poked her and she batted my hand away.

“Leave me alone Zant. I’m sleeping.” she said.

“But we want you to give us a tour of the fortress.” I said. She pushed her hair back and looked at me.

“Yeah? Well I want a flute made out of platinum. But do I whine about it and wake people up from their naps because of it? No. No I don’t.” she said.

“Wow Rabia. Stop having so much sex with Ganondorf and maybe you wouldn’t be so tired!” Shadow said. Rabia yawned.

“Oh, yeah, that’s exactly what I was doing. How did you know?” she said sarcastically, standing up and stretching. “Okay, come on guys. I suppose I could give you a tour.” She led us down to the dungeons to start the tour. .

“Someone’s cranky today,” Shadow whispered to Vaati as they followed her through the dungeons.

“Ganon must be rubbing off on her,” Vaati whispered back. He was then punched in the shoulder by Ganondorf, who just happened to be walking by. “OW, WATCH IT!” Vaati cried, clutching his shoulder in pain.

“So which cell is going to be Link’s? Just so I know which cell to ‘forget’ to deliver food to,” I said. She pointed to one of the cells.

“That one right there -- 6D. He’s in the torture chamber right now though,” she said. “But yeah... this is the dungeon. There are six cell blocks, A through F.” She led them into the torture chamber where Link was still chained to the rack. “This is the torture chamber. Right now Link is chained to the rack, which Shadow Link was using on him earlier. It looks really painful.” Link just glared as they walked past him.

Rabia pointed to a door leading into another small room as she unlocked Link’s manacles. “That is a medical room, in case Shadow tries to kill someone.” She grabbed Link’s arm as he tried to dash away.

“Couldn’t I just kill him, then bring him back to life and kill him again?” he whined.

“... No.” She left the torture room and walked down a long hallway, still holding onto Link’s arm tightly. “There’s the guard room and the laundry room, then a bathroom, office, armory and a kitchen.” she said, pointing to the rooms as we passed. Finally we stopped at the end of the hall.

“You guys just stay here while I bring Link back to his cell.” she said, walking away, dragging Link behind her. We walked back to the guard room while we waited for Rabia to return.
“So... how big is this fortress?” Vaati asked, panting from the physical exhaustion.

“Vaati... there are four levels upstairs.” I said, giving him a weird look. He gave me a weird look back.

“...Why are you looking at me like that?” he panted.

“Why are you panting already? We haven’t gone up any stairs or anything.” I said. He ignored me. Finally Rabia returned and we headed upstairs. While we walked through the house she pointed out rooms and bedrooms spread around the fortress. When we got to the fourth floor and Rabia showed us the indoor pool, Shadow immediately pulled off his clothes and jumped in. Everyone either blinked or shielded their eyes -- except for Vaati, of course, who attempted to take his cape off to join him. Of course, this wasn’t successful and he just nearly choked himself with it.

“Can you do ANYTHING by yourself?” Ganondorf asked, giving him a weird look. Vaati was still struggling to get his cape off, but turned to face him.

“Yes! I just can’t take this damn thing off! Why is this so--” He was interrupted by his fist when it crashed into his face after slipping off the collar. Ganondorf started laughing his booming laugh as Vaati glared at him.

“...Damn. I should have brought my bathing suit.” Rabia said. “...oh well.” she jumped in the pool fully clothed.

“Wow, way to ruin the skinny dipping party, Rabia.” Shadow said. Vaati finally got his cape off, yanking it off himself roughly and panting heavily.

“Okay guys, I’m coming in!” Vaati said, pulling off most of his clothes and jumping in wearing his underwear.

“...Vaati, are you self conscious about your purple penis? Is that why you won’t skinny dip?” Rabia asked. He glared at her.

“No! I’m just... classier than you two -- therefore, I’m not going to skinny dip in public.” He stuck his tongue out at her and continued to swim around the pool.

“How are you classier than me if you’re wearing less than me?” Rabia asked, sticking her tongue out at him in return. He thought about this for a moment.

“Because.... uhhhh.... Hmmm... I’m magical, that’s why,” he answered, nearly swimming into the wall of the pool.

“Yeah, okay then Vaati.” Rabia said. “Ganondorf! You should swim with us!”

“No.” he said.

“Pleeeeease?”

“No.” He continued to stand among the group of villains who were still clothed and/or not in the pool.

“... I’ll just get out and hug you anyways if you don’t come swim with us.” Rabia said, smiling at him innocently. He glared at her.

“I’m still not going to swim.” He followed me over to the chairs on the far side of the pool and sat next to me. Rabia went under water for a moment, making sure to get her hair completely soaked, then climbed out of the pool and walked over to us. She walked over and sat on Ganondorf’s lap and kissed him on the cheek.

“Pleeeeeeease?” she begged. He glared at her again.

“Did you HAVE to sit on me? Like come on!” he growled.

“Awww, is wittle Ganny scared of the water?” Shadow said mockingly. Ganon looked over at him and narrowed his eyes.

“Shadow, you better shut up before I punch you in your tiny mouth,” he said angrily.

“Will you please come swim with us Ganoooon?” Rabia asked again, giving him puppy dog eyes.

“No.” he repeated.

“Fine.” she sighed. “I’ll just go swim with Shadow and Vaati then. I admit defeat.” she said, walking away with her head down.

“Alright, sounds good to me,” he grumbled, grabbing a nearby towel and trying to dry his pants off. I looked over at him.

“You know, I kinda want to go swimming,” I said, adjusting my sunglasses that I now had randomly even though we were inside.

“I really don’t care. I’m NOT going,” he said, giving me a dirty look.

“Fine fine,” I mumbled. “Suit yourself...” I pulled off my shirt and shoes and got into the pool with Vaati, Shadow and Rabia.

“Hey Sephiroth, wanna swim with us?” Rabia asked. Sephiroth grinned.

“Yeah, sure!” he said, pulling off his super long coat and other clothes. He then dove into the pool and emerged from the water a moment later.

“Hey sexy thing.” Rabia winked, grinning.

“You think I’m sexy?!” he cheered. “SWEET!” He was then pushed under the water by Shadow Link, who was right behind him.

“Would you be mad if I sat on his head?” he asked Rabia.

“Uh... yes, because it would probably kill him. Killing people is RUDE, Shadow. Unless it’s Link. Then it’s socially acceptable.” she said, trying to push Shadow off Sephiroth. “Now move so I can touch his abs!” He sighed loudly.

“Fiiiiiiiiiine....” he whined, swimming away. Sephiroth then came up from underwater once more, panting for breath.

“That kid is just asking to be hit!” he said, glaring in Shadow’s direction. Rabia started poking his abs and giggling, and I swam over to Vaati and started talking to him.

“So Vaati, how’s Malon?” I asked. He ducked into the water so just from his chin up was visible.

“She’s uhh... She’s good, I guess,” he said. “Very hungry... all the time... But besides that, she’s good!” I nodded.

“That’s good! I think... Unless she’s getting really fat... Because then that’s horrible!”

“She’s actually not getting that fat! Well, she’s not getting fat at all actually... It’s actually kind of weird,” he said. I shrugged.

“Oh well. At least she stays hot when she’s pregnant!” Just then, Bowser dove into the water -- just barely missing me. “Watch it, you beast!” I hollered. I looked back over at Rabia and Sephiroth, who were still admiring his abs. Shadow was creeping along the edge of the pool, only visible from the eyes up. Everyone in this club is so weird... I thought.

“I like your abs, Sephy. A lot. But they’re not as good as Ganon’s. HE SHOULD SWIM WITH US.” Rabia said, loudly. I shook my head and moved out of the way quickly as Bowser swam by, splashing noisily. I couldn’t understand how he wasn’t sinking; his shell seemed really heavy. Sephiroth was now floating around the pool on his back, his long hair drifting near him and getting caught all over the people he floated near. Vaati had turned towards Ganondorf, and was making fun of his refusal to swim. Ganondorf looked like he was just moments away from snapping his neck. I started swimming around the pool to avoid being caught in all this. Rabia slowly snuck over to Vaati, and while he was in mid-taunt, splashed him violently.

“Vaati! No! Only I can make fun of Ganondorf!” she said.

“But he makes fun of ME all the time!” he cried. “It’s only fair!”

“I don’t care if he makes fun of you! Only I can make fun of him. You’re not sexy enough to make fun of Ganon.” she splashed him again. He sighed and frowned.

“You’re right, I’m not. I’ll stop,” he said, slowly swimming away.

“Awe... Vaati don’t be sad! You’re still really cute.” Rabia said. “Will it make you feel better if I let you make fun of him once?” He continued swimming away slowly until he reached where Ganon was standing. He looked up at him, and Ganondorf glared down.

“What?” he grumbled, his arms folded. Suddenly, Vaati grabbed him by the leg and pulled as hard as he could in the opposite direction... which pulled him into the pool. He eventually resurfaced in the water and attempted to cling to Vaati’s head. Vaati was both laughing hysterically and half-choking on the water as he was pushed by Ganon’s weight under the water. “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!” he cried in anger. Vaati just continued laughing at him and didn’t bother answering. Rabia glared at Vaati and swam over to help Ganondorf.

“Vaati, that’s not funny.” she snapped, shoving him under the water. When he came back up, he looked at her with huge eyes.

“Why did you shove me under?! It was SO funny! What’s the problem?!” he asked, oblivious and confused. Rabia just glared at him.

“That WASN’T funny.” she repeated, pushing him under again and holding onto Ganondorf. “Next time I won’t fall for the cute... sad... thing you did.” He came back up from the water with big, wet eyes. (And not just because he’s in a pool and was shoved underwater like nine times)

“I’m sorry... I’ll just... I’ll go...” he said glumly, swimming over to Shadow. Shadow was still creeping, but he turned around and crept towards Vaati when he saw him swimming over. Ganondorf gripped the edge of the pool and attempted to stay afloat.

“Thanks..” he said angrily, his eyes narrowed still.

“Are you okay Ganon?” Rabia asked, concerned. Suddenly Ursula canonballed into the pool. She landed in a graceful dive, unlike Bowser, and swam across the pool easily. He grumbled in response and tried to pull himself out of the water.

“Heyyy, Ganon’s swimming!” I cheered.

“Shut up Zant, I’m not swimming,” he snapped, sitting on the edge of the pool. Ursula surfaced next to Sephiroth, nearly scaring the man half to death. She started to laugh and began to flirt with him, her tentacles slowly creeping towards him. Rabia was hovering near Ganondorf and Shadow Link was consoling his sad master. Bowser was still swimming around the pool obnoxiously, splashing everyone he passed with tidal wave after tidal wave of water. I was just relaxing in the pool on a floatie bed when suddenly I felt a tongue creep up my leg. I jumped and looked down to see Ghirahim grinning at me from the end of the bed.

“Hey Zant,” he cooed. I blinked at him. The only person who hits on me... and it has to be Ghirahim.

“Hey Debbie,” I said, trying my best to ignore him. He crept around to the right side of the bed, still grinning at me. I cleared my throat uncomfortably. “Uhh, nice weather we’re having,” I said awkwardly, trying to paddle away with my foot. He continued to follow, never dropping his gaze from me. “...can I help you?” I asked, after another awkward moment.

“Yes, you can Zant.” he said, giving me a ‘seductive’ look. “May I join you on your floatie?” he asked.

“Um... there are other floaties around...” I said, hinting he should go away. This didn’t help at all, and he attempted to climb onto the floatie. “Uhhh, you know, I think Link is somewhere near here, RIGHT RABIA?” I said loudly, trying to find something to help me escape him. I glanced around the pool, looking for her. She was sitting on the edge of the pool, leaning on Ganondorf... and she had fallen asleep again. “RIIIIGHT RAAAABIA?!” I repeated loudly as the floatie neared her and Ganon. She jumped.

“What? Yeah! Sure!” she said, yawning. I looked at Ghirahim.

“See? He’s nearby. Just think of his toned, tanned body!” Ghirahim licked his lips at the thought of this. “...and his delectable virgin penis!”

“I’ll be back, Zant,” Ghirahim said, quickly swimming to the edge of the pool, then lifting himself out and leaving.

“Phew...” I said, relaxing once more on my floatie. Ursula’s tentacles had wound themselves around Sephiroth’s torso. He struggled, trying to free himself, but Ursula was much stronger than him. I looked around at the people outside the pool. Demise was lounging back in a chair, running his fingers through his hair. Jafar and Iago were eating grapes. Galbatorix had fallen asleep and Murtagh was flipping through the pages of a porn magazine that looked oddly familiar. Majora was trying to gain a tan from Sauron’s flames and Voldemort and Bellatrix were getting ready to jump into the pool together. Scar and Dr. Robotnik were avoiding the water, and Wario was nowhere to be seen. Rabia was still cuddled up to Ganondorf, and it seemed as if she would fall asleep again.

I sighed. Things had just gotten incredibly bored. The only interesting thing going on was Sephiroth struggling to free himself from Ursula. Vaati and Shadow had started a game of volleyball. Unfortunately for Vaati, when he hit the ball it ended up flying across the room and hitting Ganon and Rabia. Rabia shrieked and fell back into the pool. Ganondorf stood angrily, taking the ball in his hands. Vaati’s face grew pale (paler) as he aimed at his head.
“Duck!” Shadow cried, but he was too late and the ball hit Vaati right in the center of his forehead. He fell back into the water with a yelp and Shadow immediately swam over to him to help. Ganondorf offered Rabia his hand to help her out.

“Did he hit you in the face?” Ganon asked. She took his hand and shook her head.

“No. He hit my shoulder.” she said, laughing slightly. “He needs better aim.” Shadow was now hugging a sobbing Vaati and glaring at Ganondorf. Ganondorf shrugged.

“Well, he deserved it. Don’t look at me like that,” he said. Shadow just shook his head slowly at him, eyes still narrowed. I yawned.

“At least everyone likes the pool,” I said to no one in particular. I looked over to see Ursula drag Sephiroth under the water with her tentacles and shrugged. “Well, at least he’s gonna get some.” I sighed once more, crossing my legs and folding my hands on my lap.
“Today was a pretty nice day,” I mumbled sleepily. Suddenly, I was grabbed and dragged out of the pool by my floatie. “What’s going on?!” I asked, looking back at the offender. Of course, it was Ghirahim.

“I told you I’d come back, Zant!” he said. I cried for help as I was dragged out of the pool area, but everyone ignored me and continued what they were doing.

“I take that back -- today was definitely NOT a good day! AHHHHHH!” I cried as I was dragged into Ghirahim’s room... and he locked the door.