I'm Just a Kid That Tried Too Hard

The boys are off on another road trip. I sit in my Chemistry class with Ariel to my right. I’ve always loved chemistry. I’d always been good at it in school so I figured I would continue in college. It’s not that I want to be a chemist though.

I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life. When my grandfather died a year and a half ago he left the majority of his money to me, to help me pay for school and whatever else. That’s how I could afford my quaint little apartment and am able to focus 100% on school. Still, I didn’t want to live off that money my whole life. That’s why I work at TD Garden now because I feel weird not working and earning some sort of income.

Ariel slaps my arm, snapping me out of my thoughts. I seem to be lost in my thoughts a lot lately. Ariel and Ross tease and say that I’m daydreaming about Brad. Really, I’m not. Okay, not all the time. The fact that I have no idea what to do with my life has me worried. I ultimately would like to be an artist but the chances of me being successful at that are slim at best.

The class ends and Ariel and I meet up with Ross. All of us are finished for the day so we decide to all go out to a late lunch at our favorite little joint. We’ve just ordered when my phone buzzes. I excuse myself and step outside.

The air has a bit of a bite to it now. Winter is quickly catching up to us in Boston. I pull my jacket tighter and answer my phone, “Hey Brad.” I wouldn’t doubt that he could hear the smile in my voice. It’s so nice to just talk to him. Despite what people might think, he’s actually really interesting to talk with. Then again, maybe that’s just me. There’s a pause before he responds, “Hey babe.” He sounds tired, and something else I can’t put my finger on that wasn’t there the last time we spoke.

I purse my lips worriedly, “Is something wrong?”

BRAD’S POINT OF VIEW

“Is something wrong?” She asks, concern woven into her voice. I sigh. Yeah, something is wrong. Something is completely, awfully wrong. I miss her so much. So much that it’s affecting my game. It’s seriously messing with me. I need to put things on hold. My captain and my coach even pointed it out! Devin’s perfect. She’s everything I could ask for, but hockey needs to come first.

I had been pacing the hotel room I share with McQuaid for 45 minutes before I dialed her number. The phone call was going to hurt and I tried to mentally prepare myself. McQuaid tried to talk me out of it for a bit, saying that I just hadn’t learned to balance it all yet.
In all honesty, I’m terrified. I don’t want anything to come between me and everything I’ve worked so hard for. She’s just a girl, right? That thought is wrong. That is completely incorrect. I want her so badly. Everything about this is messed up but it needs to happen. Hockey first.

I hear her breathing on the line. She’s waiting for an explanation. That’s another thing about her that makes her so cool. Devin doesn’t press things, no matter how much she wants to know. I can’t help but sigh again. “Dev…please don’t be angry. Please. I just, we can’t…I’m sorry to have to do this over the phone…but it’s better if we just…stop.” I’m fumbling. Badly. So much for being Mr. Smooth all the time.

“Oh.” She understands. I can hear it in that simple word. She’s not stupid. I can’t get out what I’m trying to say and she still gets it. Before I can say anything more, she continues, “I, uh, I’ll see you around then. Bye Brad.” She practically whispers that last bit. I sit down on my bed, “No, Dev, wait you don-“ It doesn’t matter what else I have to say. She’s gone.

DEVIN’S POINT OF VIEW

I don’t go back inside the restaurant. I start walking. I knew that I shouldn’t have given Seguin my number that day. I knew I should’ve just gone inside. This is why I didn’t like being in a relationship. The moment I start to give it my all, they want nothing to do with me.

It’s not even like we were together that long. It shouldn’t matter so much. It shouldn’t matter at all. We were together, what, maybe two months? If that? Surely that wasn’t enough time to make me behave like a love sick middle schooler. I sigh with self directed anger. I can’t be mad at Brad for not wanting to be together anymore.

How could I have been so dumb? I had even secretly toyed with the idea of actually sleeping with him! What was I thinking? He was a hockey player! He traveled! Why would he want to be tied down in a relationship with anyone, let alone me?

While I’m on my mental rampage, I walk into Loretta and James’ bakery. James was her husband. They have been together 45 years and are still so in love. It’s really cute. I slide into a twisty seat at their small counter. Neither of them are out front but that’s okay. I’m practically family here anyways.

I grab a mini chocolate chip cupcake. I focus on the color of the pastry and not think of the color of Brad’s eyes. I study the texture and don’t think of the feeling of running my fingers through his short hair. I take a bite and slowly chew, focusing on thechocolate taste and not of how Brad tasted of toothpaste and sometimes a little bit of peanut butter. Damn it I can’t even enjoy a freaking cupcake. Cupcakes don’t even have anything to do with Brad! I throw the pastry down.

What a good job I’m doing.

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5 days later I’m at The Garden working a Bruins’ game. I smile at the people and am civil to my coworkers but I feel like I have a big sign on my back saying “I’ve just been dumped!” Everyone is shooting me sympathetic looks and repeatedly asking if I’m alright. I didn’t know this many people were aware I was in a relationship in the first place. I nod and smile some more. I really am okay. I’d be even better if people would just stop asking.

I turn around and notice no line. This is puzzling. There is always a line. There has never not been a line. It’s only them that I notice the crowd of people over to the right. I can just spot Bergeron in the middle of it, politely excusing himself as he tries to get through the people. He’s looking right at me.

No, no, no. I don’t want to speak with any Bruins. I don’t want them to explain Brad to me. I really would just like to move forward. Give me a few days and I’ll be completely normal. So now I pretend I don’t see Patrice and busy myself with cleaning up drink area a bit even though it’s spotless already.

“Devin…Devin please look at me.” I look at Patrice reluctantly. He smiles at me but that quickly disappears when he sees that I don’t return the gesture. “Come on Devin. Listen to us okay?” I shake my head at him, “No. I want it left alone. Please Patrice. I really just want it dropped.”

He looks at me and sighs. The people around us are taking pictures of him and whispering. They’re all obviously confused about what him and I are talking about. “Alright Devin. You win. You still shouldn’t ignore Segs and I. We like talking to you! I thought we were all friends.”

I laugh and finally offer him a smile, “Alright. I’ll give Tyler a call later. I’ll start picking up when you call. We’ll have lunch at some point? Maybe you can bring your girl.” He nods, accepting my answer. “I really have to go back to the locker room. I’ll talk to you later. Thanks Devin.” He gives me an awkward over the counter hug before he’s gone again. He seems to do that a lot, come and go like a ghost.