I'm Just a Kid That Tried Too Hard

I told Brad that I’d meet him at the café I had shown him the first time we had hung out together at six the next day. I made sure to keep emotion out of my voice and judging by the sound of his, he did the same. I picked up absolutely nothing during that phone call.

I now swirl my straw around in my smoothie. Gidget , one of the girls from school I’m currently sitting with nudges me, “Hey girl, why the long face?” I smile at my friend. Her name isn’t actually Gidget. She looks just like Sandra Dee in the movie Gidget. It’s like she stepped right out of the 1960’s besides her clothes. She even behaves like such sometimes. She’s a good friend to have around.

I shrug, “I’m okay. I’m meeting up with Brad after this. I miss the shit out of him.” I take a long slurp from my banana smoothie. I never wanted to be this helpless with my emotions. I never wanted a guy to be a solid 1/3 of my thoughts. Granted, that number may be a bit higher now that everything between him and I is up in the air.

My other friend Caroline smiles at me reassuringly. She and I had grown up together in a way. We’d always gone to the same school, occasionally being partners for the odd group project here or there. It would only seem fit that we somehow both end up at the same college. “Well if you miss him, then be with him. There’s no need to be unhappy.”

Always on the bright side that one is. I nod, absorbing her words. She was right. There really was no need for me to make myself unhappy. It still freaked me out though. Brad broke up with me once, and then flipped. That side of him freaked me the hell out…

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He slips into the seat across from me and unwraps the scarf from around his neck. It had gotten unbelievably cold in the last few hours. I had even gone home to grab a beanie and a heavier coat before coming here.

He looks at me. Poker face. I’d like to think my face is composed into something mirroring his. I don’t even want to blink. I can’t look at his eyes though. I decide to study his face. It fills me with that feeling of déjà vu. I had definitely done this the first time we sat in here.

He has some scruff growing. Why is beyond me. It looks good though. Well, better than it had on my TV screen during the playoffs last season. I decide to focus on that. Unhelpfully so, I soon want to reach out and touch it just to make sure that it’s real and that he himself is there under this new part of his description. I refrain.

“Devin. You have to speak eventually.” I blink. Well, okay, I guess he’s right on that one. I fiddle with my fingers. “Four score and Seven years ago-“ He slaps his forehead and I keep my straight face. I have a good chunk of that speech memorized. I could go on.

Brad starts to laugh, “You made me sweat this meeting all day so you could recite a speech to me?” His laugh gets louder. I start to laugh along. Just like that, all the stress I had felt building up to what is supposed to be a rather awkward and semi-serious conversation is gone. I feel much better. From the looks of things, he feels much better too.

He looks up at me, “So what did you do today?” I think, “Well, I woke up. Brushed my teeth. Met up with Gidget and Caroline and-“ Brad cuts me off. I sigh inwardly. Will he ever let me finish anything?

“Devin, I didn’t mean to ask that. That is not what was supposed to come out of my mouth. Did you know Tyler brought a blonde over last night? He brought her over for me? You know what I did? I drove her home. I didn’t speak to her. Tyler now thinks I’m gay. Not really. Ok, well, he might a little.”

I snort. I actually snort. Of course Tyler would do that. I smile at Brad and break my cookie in half. He accepts his half and chews it, looking at me like he’s found the headline of a newspaper entirely riveting. “You know what,” he starts, “Let’s go to the movies.”

I raise an eyebrow. That’s all he needs to continue, “You know, a date. Let’s go on a date. Then, we can be together again..or not. Whichever. I just need my fill of Devin Time.”

We do go to the movies. We share a popcorn. We throw popcorn at the screen because the movie I begged to see actually sucks. He was hoping for boobs and I was hoping for some actual terror. Both of us are disappointed. We sit through the whole thing together though, hopeful until the very end.

He stands at the door to my apartment and we look at each other for a very long time. I suddenly know that I need to decide right now. Do I really want to be back with Brad or is it better to just let it be? The answer seems fairly obvious to me.