Hang Me Up To Dry

June at last. John was finally home from his world tour and he came back to an “energetic” nine month old. Countdown to the wedding: one month and two weeks. It felt all too real. Everything was falling in to place.

I acted as cool as I possibly could when I was expecting John to walk through the door – just chillin’ on the couch with Effie causing a ruckus down by my feet. But it was harder than I thought. It was almost as bad as not being with him those four months of separation. As soon as he was in the door, my lips were attached to his and somehow I had wrapped my legs around him.

I groaned as I was put back on the ground. “You stink.”

He tried to rub his armpit in my face, and then took off his Ray Bans. “Shower?” He said then kissed me again.

“Two seconds.”

I scooped up Effie and put her in her room as John got the shower started. We shed our clothes and latched onto one another as we got in. It was a very nice shower.

We laid on the bed afterwards in our towels and he held me tightly. “It’s nice coming home to you. I thought you would have left by now.”

“I was thinking about it, then you walked in.”

“I screwed up your plan?”

I nodded against him. “I just noticed, you didn’t smell like cigarettes when you came in.”

“Yeah…I’m trying to quit. It’s smarter to spend the money on diapers and other shit for Effie than an early grave.”

“You’re right. That is smarter. Maybe my mom will like you more now.”

“She didn’t like me a lot before?”

“She did, but my dad is a smoker so she kind of resented you.”

He nodded. “Well what are you waiting for! Bring Effie in here!”

I jumped off the bed and when I slowly walked her in the bedroom, John looked in awe.

“I missed so much,” he said sadly. “What else am I going to miss…” he said more to himself. I felt bad, but I just lifted her up onto the bed then he gave her hugs and talked to her excitedly. It brought me joy to see them playing peek a boo together. “Rianne, she has my eye color but your eyes. She’s starting to not look exactly like me.”

I laughed. “I know I noticed that the other day. Now she won’t be as beautiful.”

“What are you talking about?” He said while tickling her. “You’re gorgeous.”

For the first time in a long time I blushed.

--John--

“Babe, my mom wanted to have lunch with you today,” Rianne said as she was putting on her make up.

“Well where are you going?”

“To have lunch with your parents. Are you going to take Effie with you?”

“Sure. Did she say why she wanted to have lunch?”

She shook her head. “Nope. But I guess she’s just trying to get to know you before you’re her son-in-law.”

I parked next to Rianne’s mom’s blue Accord at Applebee’s, then unbuckled Effie from her car seat.

“Hello, John, good to see you,” she said and gave me a hug then lifted Effie in the air. “I just wanted to clear a few things up in the air.”

“Go ahead, interrogate me,” I joked and she smiled. She was such a nice lady.

“Do you really want to marry my daughter?” She said once our food was served.

“Of course. I love her so much.”

“What made you fall in love with her?”

I’ve never thought of that before. “She has this energy about her that you can’t not be in a good mood when you’re around her. She’s beautiful, smart and hilarious… I could go on all day.”

“Did you propose to my daughter just because she was about to have your child?”

“No. I mean, I’d love for things to be different, like waiting to have Effie, but she’s been a blessing and I wouldn’t change it. I would have proposed to her regardless if she was having my baby.”

She smiled like she was pleased with my answers. “I like you John. I know you would never hurt Ri, but if you did, I’ll just say this right now, I will have you castrated. And I will probably do it myself.”

I gulped in fear. Then she started smiling again, so everything felt okay. “You know she’s almost twenty. And to already have a baby, that’s a lot to put on such a young relationship. You’re going to be twenty-four in a couple of months; do you promise me that you will do everything to keep the bond between you as strong as possible?”

“I didn’t think that would be a problem.”

“John, there are things you don’t understand about marriage. No matter how much you love someone, the obstacles that life throws at you will get the worst of you and that’s how things fall apart. Now promise me that if you know you can’t handle it, you won’t force it.”

I could see where she was coming from, being a divorced woman and all, but as long as Rianne and I were there for each other, I don’t think there would be anything we couldn’t get through. I was ready to settle down with her and start a long life together.

Rianne got home shortly after I did and she plopped down on the bed. “Didn’t go so well?” I asked.

“No it was fine. I just felt like I was being grilled the whole time,” she said.

“What did they want to talk about?”

“Pretty much just asking if my intentions were good and talking about how good I was for you.”

“You are good for me,” I said, pulling her in closer. “I love you,” I said after I kissed her. “I can’t wait to marry you.”

The more I thought about it, the more Rianne’s mom started to get to me. Was I marrying her for all the wrong reasons? Was I doing it just because I thought I had to? Shut up, John. You’re being paranoid.

--Rianne--

I was confused now more than ever. Talking with John’s parents got me thinking that we’re getting married for all the wrong reasons. They’ve been married longer than my parents were so I trusted their opinions in waiting to get married. They loved me, they just didn’t want to see this end in turmoil. But if I was going to marry John, I wanted to do it as soon as possible. I didn’t care if I was almost twenty. I wanted to be married to him as long as I could.

Four weeks later, my birthday had long passed and I finally entered my twenties. John was gone from the apartment for his bachelor party and since I didn’t have a lot of girl friends, I took Sam, my mom and Effie to LA to get spa treatments and whatnot and called that my bachelorette party.

“Are you ready to get married?” Sam asked me with an everlasting smile on her lips.

“Yeah. I know I’ve been running away from him all this time, but I’m ready.”

“You’re not worried about him?”

“Why would I be worried about him? He’s been the rock all along.”

“Are you doing this because you want to or you have to?”

Why must everyone ask the same question with different wordings?

“No, I want to. What is so hard to understand about that?”

“You are just barely not a teenager anymore.”

“And I have a child.”

She shrugged. “I guess. But please don’t go through with it if you know you can’t handle it.”

Since when did Sam become the fucking marriage expert. Everyone around me was annoying me lately. All I needed was John.

--John--

I was having fun with the guys in Vegas. Maybe a little bit too much fun. Almost Hangover too much. We were bar hopping all around the city and there were tons of hot girls there. Maybe it was just the alcohol. I know I wouldn’t leave Rianne for one of these bimbos, but it was at this moment I realized I am twenty-three and soon I would turn into a doting house husband. I love Rianne and Effie, but I was starting to think the timing was wrong.

“What’s up, John?” My best friend Eric said to me the next morning in the hotel room.

“Nothing.”

“Are you getting cold feet?”

“Ice cold.”

“Don’t worry. She loves you and you love her. You’re doing the right thing.”

“I want to marry her, I just don’t want to do it now.”

“Maybe you should talk to her about postponing it.”

“But so much has already gone into the planning and everything. We’re getting married in less than two weeks!”

“And that scares you.”

“Extremely. She’s scared me from the beginning. I didn’t know I could feel what I feel for her so early on. She means everything to me.”

“And you should tell her how you feel before you lose her.”

“…I can’t. I’ll just suck it up. I’m sure it will get better. I’m sure I’m just overreacting.”

He looked at me as if he didn’t believe me but walked away regardless. I hope things get better.

“Baby!” Rianne said to me as I found her in the terminal. I picked her up while kissing her but the guilt of feeling this way made it hard to let me get that into it. “Something wrong?”

“No, just haven’t worn off the hangover yet,” I chuckled but she playfully frowned at me.

“So I’m guessing you had tons of fun.” She put her hand in my back pocket while I had my arm around her.

“You guessed right.”

“Well I’m glad.” She pecked my lips quickly. “Because you’ll never have that much fun again!” She laughed menacingly and started skipping to the car.

That night, we were in bed after an exhausting escapade and I had my arm draped over her, but I was far from asleep. I was wide awake thinking of how to talk to her, what to say, when to do it.

I got out of bed carefully, got dressed and started writing a letter to Rianne.

Rianne,
I’m sorry for what I’ve done and I hope you will find in yourself to forgive me one day.
Love, John

I threw some extra clothes in a bag and quietly kissed her forehead, did the same for Effie, and made my way out of the apartment undetected. I sat in my BMW for some time before I found in myself the will to actually start the car. I was actually crying. Then I was gone.