Retrouvailles

“I don’t like them. I don’t like anyone on their team.”

Loren froze; looking around the now empty office, she tried to pretend she hadn’t heard what her boyfriend had just said. Part of her knew she had no reason to be discontent. This was hockey—playoff hockey—and Sidney had the right to voice the opinion he’d never bothered to keep secret from her. Still, she thought back to those beginning days in Pittsburgh and her heart sank. This was the old Sidney, the one who was vindictive and spiteful. She didn’t want him back. Not now, not ever. She remembered to her first week on the job, the first time she’d ever ventured into the locker room, and saw Sidney doubled over in hysterics over something Max had said. He couldn’t have forgotten their friendship that quickly, could he?

She didn’t want to believe it, so she didn’t.

Quickly, she gathered her things and shuffled into the elevator. Once she hit the promenade, she lost herself in the sea of orange. Jerseys of all sizes and eras greeted her, and as she took in all the last names of her new friends, she wondered how on earth anyone could dislike them. They’d taken her in so easily, didn’t think any less of her when they learned the identity of her previous employer, and made life in Philadelphia so much easier than she deserved for it to be. Even if Sidney didn’t like who they were on the ice, he had a lot to thank them for.

That line of thinking infuriated her. His teammates hadn’t done a damn thing for her. They’d gone months without speaking to her; never thought of her as anything more than a nuisance. Sure, he couldn’t blast them on national television, but just what in the fuck was he hoping to accomplish? Max would surely be crushed. Although he’d traded in his black and gold for black and orange, he still held his former captain in high regard. He still considered him one of his greatest friends. Now what?

Sidney was a superstar. He could say whatever he wanted and get away with it. It was Loren’s biggest issue with him and a habit she’d tried countless times to break. Since he was a kid he’d been prepped and primed for television. There wasn’t an interview he couldn’t breeze through, not a question he couldn’t answer. He was a professional, but Loren knew better. She knew how to look between the lines; she wasn’t sure she liked what she saw.

If Max was that disposable, what the fuck was she?

Normally she poked her head in the locker room once the media flushed out to say goodbye to the guys. Claude Giroux almost always offered her a ride home and she’d always turn him down. Sometimes Max would ask if she wanted to grab a late dinner; that offer usually went unaccepted, too. Tonight all she wanted to do was get back to her apartment as swiftly as possible with no interruptions or distractions.

Sidney was supposed to go with her. He couldn’t stay at her place, but on the nights the team was in Philly he’d go straight there and make it back to the hotel by curfew. Loren knew leaving him there would open a can of worms but she had half a mind not to care.

Broad Street was full of life as always, especially after a win. Mac Miller’s “Knock Knock” was blasting from multiple stereo systems and she allowed herself a brief smile. Philadelphia was nothing if not loyal, and as much as she griped about being away from home and missing Pittsburgh, she was happy she landed a job in a city so passionate. As the cherry on top, the fans there had yet to recognize her. Either they didn’t lurk Pittsburgh’s infamous gossip blogs or they just had yet to approach her. Not that she minded; she enjoyed what little privacy she had left.

She hailed a cab as soon as she reached Pattison Avenue. She rattled her address to the driver and sat back against the seat in a huff. Her phone had been vibrating inside her purse since the game had ended but Loren made no move to check it. Right now, no one was high on her list of people she wanted to speak to. Especially Sidney.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Sarah said as soon as Loren stepped out of the cab. She was carrying a box filled to the brim with art supplies. There were two more sitting by the entrance of their building. “Mind helping me with these?”

Loren shrugged and grabbed the two boxes, juggling them as she tried to find her keys. The doorman, Frank, held the door open for the two women as they shuffled inside, trying to keep the contents of the boxes from spilling out.

“Thanks, Frank,” Sarah said in passing as she made her way to the elevator.

“Thank you, Frank,” Loren repeated, following her friend.

As soon as they were inside, Sarah pressed the button for their floor and looked over to Loren. “You look utterly miserable.”

Loren rolled her eyes. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Fair enough,” Sarah shrugged. “Where’s Sidney?”

“I don’t know. I’d imagine he’s at the hotel.”

“Wow.” The elevator chimed as it reached their floor. Loren exited first. “Does that mean I’ll actually get a full night’s sleep?” Sarah said from behind her.

“We’re not that loud.”

“I thought concussion victims weren’t supposed to engage in strenuous activity.”

“Who said that?”

“I don’t know, I think I remember reading it somewhere,” Sarah replied, unlocking her front door. “You can put those wherever.”

“What’s all this for anyway?”

“One of the guys from the Eagles commissioned me to redecorate his living room. It’s a mess, Lo. God, it gave me the creeps just being there for a few minutes, so I swung by the store to pick up some stuff.”

“Oh-kay,” Loren replied, raising her eyebrows. She never quite grasped what exactly Sarah did for a living but she knew it was half parts interior design and half parts starving artist. “I’m going to bed. Want to get together tomorrow for lunch?”

Sarah nodded before disappearing into the spare bedroom she used as a studio. Loren made sure to lock the door behind her, knowing her neighbor would be too immersed in whatever she was doing to notice if someone was breaking in, before shutting herself in her own apartment. She made a bee-line for the bedroom, eager to take off her heels and relax.

Her phone buzzed from its place on the dresser, igniting instant panic. Loren hoped it was one of the guys asking where she’d gone in such a hurry; she wasn’t naive enough to believe it. You know the feeling you get when you go to an amusement park and they have those swinging ships, like your stomach is going to fall to the ground as soon as you swing all the way to the top? That’s how Loren felt as soon as she saw Sidney’s name on the caller ID.

“What the hell?” were the first words out of his mouth.

“What the hell? What the hell yourself!”

“What are you talking about? Why did you just leave me there? No text, no voicemail—I had no fucking idea where you went!”

“Because you’re an asshole.”

“How am I an asshole?”

“You don’t think before you speak, Sidney! That little comment you made was so beyond inappropriate. What the hell were you thinking?”

Sidney scoffed. “Are you kidding me right now? Are you my publicist or my girlfriend?”

“Right now I’m glad I’m not one and wishing I wasn’t the other.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Just—I’d rather not be talking to you right now.”

“Why the hell do you care anyway?”

Loren was tempted to explode. Anger had seeped through all of her pores, leaving her trembling and anxious. “Because they’re my friends! They’re my fucking friends, Sidney, and—”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Excuse me?”

“They’re your friends? That’s your excuse?”

“How do you think Max feels right now?”

“I don’t know, Loren. Why don’t you ask him yourself? You two seem to be pretty cozy friends.”

“Oh, here we go!”

“I don’t like them, Loren. In fact, I hate them, and I don’t have to apologize for what I said.”

“Because you’re Sidney-fucking-Crosby, right? You’re the face of the NHL so you can do whatever you please! Who cares that you hurt your girlfriend’s feelings when you’ve won a Stanley Cup and a gold medal!”

“You love to throw that in my face, eh?”

“Goodbye, Sidney.”

Loren disconnected the call and turned off her cell phone, tossing it to the left. It skidded under her bed and she made no move to retrieve it. Without a word or even an exaggerated exhale of breath she stripped down to her underwear and climbed between the sheets of her bed.

Hours passed and Loren had yet to sleep for longer than forty minutes at a time. The city was still very much alive outside her window and she desperately wished to be amongst it. A clear mind would do her good, but she couldn’t muster the energy to get out of bed. So, instead, she just laid there. Every now and then lights from outside would dance across the walls of her bedroom and she’d sigh. Mostly she bode her time wondering why she felt so numb. She couldn’t decide if she was feeling all right or if she was sad.

This wasn’t her first argument with Sidney, but it was the most personal. Things were supposed to be getting better. Maybe it was wrong of her to attack him; she had a right to tell him what was on her mind, didn’t she? She could’ve done it nicer. “Sidney, I know you don’t like those guys, but did you really have to say that?” she could’ve said. But she didn’t, and now there was no use in going over the what-ifs and could-haves a dozen times.

Philadelphia had changed her. In a few months she’d gone from timid and self-conscious in her new setting to blunt and assertive. There was no real reason for the change, only that she’d grown into her surroundings. It helped that she had real friends now; friends who, if she needed them, would do anything in their power to help her. That simple truth made her head spin. These were real friends, not ones with ulterior motives. Sometimes all a girl needed was to know someone was looking out for her.

Loren threw the comforter over her legs as soon as two-o’clock hit. Her feet dragged until she reached the kitchen, where she pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator and sat on a stool at the island. This is when she came to the conclusion that she didn’t like fighting with Sidney. Not anymore, at least. It never used to keep her up at night.

Three knocks sounded from the front of her apartment. Loren rolled her eyes, figuring Sarah had probably locked herself out of her own place, and retreated to her bedroom to find a oversized t-shirt to cover herself.

“Give me a second! Jesus,” she muttered as the person on the other side of the door knocked again. “You better have a damn good explanation for waking me up at two in the morning…”

But it wasn’t Sarah.

“Oh, it’s you.”

Sidney rolled his eyes as he stood in the hallway. The light was hurting Loren’s eyes so she left the door open and retreated into the living room, allowing her pupils to readjust to the darkness.

“You don’t seem happy to see me.”

“I’m not,” Loren lied. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she sat on the couch, staring out the large open window that overlooked South Philly.

“Do you know how hard it is to find a cab in this city?”

“I’d imagine it’s incredibly hard when you’re you.”

Sidney moved to reply but decided against it. He hadn’t shown up to argue with her. “Loren—”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re sorry. I get it.”

“Why are you being like this?”

For the first time since she’d answered the door, Loren locked her eyes on her boyfriend. The look she gave him chilled Sidney to the bone. He’d seen her angry before, but this was different. She looked…hurt.

“You really don’t get it, do you?”

“Apparently I don’t.”

“You didn’t even care that you hurt me, Sidney. To just brush me off like that—especially after saying what you did—you really pissed me off.”

“I don’t see why it even bothered you.”

“Because they’re my friends. I get that you don’t have to like them because of that, but they’re all I’ve got here. It puts me in a really shitty position, okay? I don’t want to have to choose between my boyfriend and my friends.”

Sidney scoffed. “What did you expect, Loren? We’re never going to have play dates.”

“You accused me of sleeping with Max.”

“I’m under a lot of stress right now.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“You promised.” Loren raised an eyebrow. “You promised you wouldn’t think any less of me.”

“That was before you insulted me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t.”

“Do you want to break up with me?”

Loren finally cracked. Her scowl turned into a smile which turned into uncontrollable laughter. She couldn’t help herself. Sidney was hilariously inept at relationships.

“I’m not going to break up with you, Sidney.”

“That’s what it seems like.”

“I’m just really mad at you, okay?”

“If you’re mad at me then why are you laughing?”

“Because!” Sidney stared at her blankly. “We’re so bad at this.”

Sidney finally offered her a smile of his own. “I know.”

Loren glanced at the clock and sighed. “I have to be up for work in a few hours.”

“I should probably head back to the hotel anyway. We’re good, though?”

“We’re good.”

As she stood, Sidney wrapped his arms around her. Pulling her against him, he felt all his negativity disappear. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. He never meant to hurt her, he just didn’t know any better. He’d spent twenty-four years worrying about no one’s feelings other than his own. Now that he was partially responsible for another person’s happiness, he was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

He could understand where she was coming from. Now that he’d publicly voiced his distaste for everyone on the Flyers roster, it made their situation infinitely harder. When everyone eventually realized he was dating Loren and learned of Loren’s occupation, they’d certainly use his quote against him. She was right: had he been thinking, he never would’ve said it.

“Get some sleep,” he said, pressing a kiss to her temple. “We’re flying back to Pitt in the morning, but we’ll be back Wednesday.”

Loren nodded, already knowing Pittsburgh’s schedule. “Call me when you land so I know you’re okay.”

She walked him to the door. She watched as he made his way down the hallway to the elevator before he stopped, turning around to face her. “Hey, Loren? I—” Love you, he wanted to say, but he couldn’t bring himself to. “I—I really am sorry, okay?”

Loren nodded, watching him disappear into the elevator.