The Little Black Recorder

The small recorder beeps, lights flashing bright red. Shaking hands push the button marked play, and a soft voice spills from the speakers.

"This journey has never once been easy for me. This journey called life, the one that so many people just skid through like it’s nothing. This journey has been torturous and long, unforgiving and often times cruel. I’ve seen it all. My brother’s suicide when I was eight, my parents’ fractured marriage, the divorce, the pinning of me against one another, puberty, high school, friends, romances, success and failures, all of which I have seen and struggled to surmount. Each one of these things has weighed heavily on me, refusing to let me go, refusing me an easy passage through life. The only constant factor between these things has always, and will always be you.

I don’t know what exactly it was I did right in life that some higher being decided to give me you, but it must have been one hell of an extraordinarily good deed. You remain the only good thing in my life, the only being on earth that can keep me grounded when I’m out of my mind.

Brian, I should tell you now before I go any further that I’m crazy about you. I don’t think there’s actually been a moment in my life where I haven’t been. You are hilarious, kind, a sarcastic dickhead, and an upstanding citizen all wrapped into one. I’ve never met anyone as incredible as you are, and that is not to flatter you by any means. You’re the best of both worlds: the dark, crazy side, and the perfect, angelic side. You have been the light in my days of shadows. The kind smile that pulls me out from under the waves, the warm hug on the days when the heat doesn’t reach my bones. And you have always been that person that has loved me unconditionally, without question, and without a second thought.
You’re perfect, and I love you. I love you so much that just the very thought of spending the day with you makes me grin and my cheeks hurt from doing so. Each text message or call I receive from you makes me glow for days just knowing that you care. And when you wrap your arms around me, all I can think about is how good it would be to stay in those arms forever, for as long as you would care to hold me.

I can’t believe I’m crying now. It’s embarrassing and mortifying, just another sign to me that I’m weak and unworthy of you. But I know if you were here right at this moment, you’d be brushing the tears from my face with a soft smile on your own, a smile that is more encouraging than any motivation speech in the universe. I can’t believe I’m crying confessing my love for you, because I think as I say it out loud it becomes more apparent to me. That love I have for you is so deep it has become a part of me. Saying out loud my love for you just reaffirms how much you have impacted my life.
And it’s because I love you that I’m doing this. You’ve done amazing things for me in the 18 years that I’ve known you. Such incredible things that let me know you care about me as much as I care for you. I simply cannot let you suffer anymore. I can’t have that on my conscience.

You’re always looking after me, Bri. It’s become unhealthy. I can see the sadness in your eyes when you say goodbye to me on somedays, or the urgency within your calls and texts if my response is not immediate. I know I’m a ticking time bomb, and I want nothing more than to shield you from my harmful explosion when the bomb that I am detonates.
I want you to be happy. I want you to love your music again and start going on tours with your band. I want you to learn new things and experience the world, all of this with a smile on your face. Most importantly, I want you to find a beautiful woman who loves you for who you are and sees you as your true wondrous self. I want you to get married and have beautiful babies who you’ll teach the ways of life and raise. I want these all for you because out of everyone I know, you deserve them. You deserve the utmost happiness in your life, and that’s something I cannot give you.

You’re probably listening to this right now, wondering how I could do this. How I could go out to the pool in my backyard and let my pain fall away, let it dissolve like it doesn’t matter. Like I don’t matter. You’re probably wondering how you didn’t see the signs of my impending suicide, and I want you to know that it’s not your fault.

I’ve been keeping this hidden from you, Brian, because I can’t drag you down anymore. I’m preventing you from all the hopes and dreams you have for yourself and that I have for you. I love you so much Brian…and I know that as you’re listening you can hear that my voice just cracked because I can’t stand it. I can’t stand that I love you so much but I’m wrong for you. I can’t stand that I’m a reason for you being miserable. And I can’t stand that you might hate me for this, and be angry with me for leaving you behind.

Please, god please, I am begging you. Do not let this be the last of you. I have always valued your friendship, and I would like to know that in my death, you value mine enough to follow my wishes. Please do the things you want to do. Be that successful person that I know you can be. Damn it Brian, just let other people see your greatness. You’re too much of an amazing man to keep that from the world.

I’m going to die thinking of you. I’m going to think of your face in my hair, your arms around me, and your comforting aura in general. And as I die I’m going to think of that time on the beach when you told me you loved me for the first time because that was the best moment of my life. I want to die seeing your face because you are the closest thing to an angel that I will ever reach.

I’m sorry if this hurts you. I don’t want that. And I’m so sorry if it’s you that finds me. I’m sorry for all the nights I know you’ll go to bed crying because of me and I won’t be there to make it better. I’m sorry for all the times you’ll curse my name and then regret it. And I’m sorry I won’t be there to tell you I love you any longer.

But I’m always going to be there. Just look right into your heart if you don’t believe me. I love you, Brian Elwin. I love you.

I’m sorry. Goodbye."

The tape ends. Comes to a halt. Fills the room with silence. Fills his eyes with tears.