Monster of Me

The winter moon’s pallid rays bathed the room in a muted glow. It was a rather large bedroom; an ornate four-poster, king-sized canopy bed laden with ivory silk sheets sat facing the east, as well as a cream dressing table with a velvet upholstered stool in the corner. The room opened to a large balcony outside. The balcony was separated from the bedroom by a row of tall, narrow French windows lined by lace curtains, which had been shut tightly. However, it did allow one to see the large, full moon looming up ahead, boasting its brightness amidst a vast expanse of black.
Everything was still, save for the irregular rising and falling of the young man’s chest as raspy breaths were expelled from his pale, trembling lips. He sat perched still as a statue on the edge of the bed, gazing transfixed at the young woman who occupied it. She lay ramrod straight on the soft mattress. Her long ebony curls spread across the stark sheets like ink, as did the lace of her long, black dress.
The girl remained completely still, the colour draining from her skin and peace prevailing in her doe-like features. The whole scene was colourless; except for bright, crimson blood that seeped from her throat. With every second the man felt himself falling further and further into insanity, drowning deeper and deeper into the black depths of his guilt. His hands still trembled around the dully glinting kitchen knife that had undergone the transformation from everyday tool to murder weapon.
He felt traces of tears begin to gather at the corners of his narrowed eyes as a sudden urge of disgust took over him. The knife suddenly felt red-hot in his long-fingered hands, and he flung it across the room with a cry of despair as if it had burnt the alabaster skin of his palms. Then, he started, leaping up from the bed and clutching his arms to his chest as if wanting to hold himself together. He backed up as far away from the dead girl in the bed and the wayward knife as if disowning them. He wished to be as far from them as he possibly could. He wished to be cleansed of all his sins; he started to wonder whether it had always been in his nature to murder someone or whether he had become so enamoured by her that he could let nobody have her. He lamented at what had become of him; what his obsession had come to. He was a monster.
A scream of pent up emotions; anger, dismay, grief, sadness tore its way out of his throat, leaving it raw and scathed. In a release of utter madness he clutched his head in his hands, his knees sinking to the floor. The breaths came heaving from his lips, their sound particularly loud in the silence of the estate.
What have I done? I loved her…
Mustering up all the courage he had left, he warily raised his eyes to the girl in the bed. Taking in his unceremonious position, he slowly got to his feet, clutching the corner of the table for support. Lord Atsushi Sakurai shouldn’t be behaving like this; like a deranged madman. He straightened out his tailcoat and ran a hand through his long locks that were the colour of night.
Alright, Atsushi. Get a hold of yourself. You had a legitimate reason to end her life. She was going to marry that man instead of you…
He reasoned with himself, pacing back and forth across the room, the heels of his leather boots clacking ominously on the ground. He had barely managed to cover his feelings of guilt and assure himself that he had a right to do what he did, but really, deep in the recesses of his mind he knew there was no excuse.
He had known her nearly all his life; they had been together ever since they were little children, through to their teenage years when he first started to develop feelings for her. It was then that he had realised how truly beautiful she was, and how she had captured his heart so completely. A petite girl of seventeen she had been; with long, flowing curls of ebony and skin of porcelain. Everywhere she went she attracted the eyes of men, but gazes quickly averted at the sight of Atsushi, who always had an arm wrapped possessively around her. She had been a bright girl; always overflowing with life and a childlike innocence that drove him insane in more ways than one. It wasn’t long before his heart had built up a strong obsession with her. Every night he dreamt of her face, woke up with her name on his lips as he imagined her next to him, lying entangled in the darkness as one.
He couldn’t get enough of her; he needed to see her face at least once every day. The purity held in her large, forest green eyes always pulled him in further and further as she asked him what was wrong. It had taken a wealth of willpower to keep himself from taking her into his arms. As long as he could control himself, he could figure out how to woo her.
It was that one night in the garden that ruined everything. He had been twenty-five, she twenty-two.
“Hey Maria, do you have a minute? I would like to speak to you about something highly important”.
He could barely contain the excitement that threatened to spill from his voice.
She regarded him with curiosity in those eyes of hers.
“What is this matter you wish to speak to me about?”, she asked him, cocking her head to the side .
“I would rather discuss it with you in private”, he replied coolly, reverting to his usual self.
“I’m sorry Acchan, but I don’t have much time. I’m afraid you’ll need to say it to me here”.
They stared at each other for a number of seconds until Atsushi sighed and began to speak.
“Maria”, he began, “ I am aware that this might make you a little uncomfortable as we have been friends for a long period of time, but I have something I must confess”.
He looked earnestly into her eyes as he said this: “Maria, I love you. I have for a while now, and I was wondering if you did too.”
Please, please…
“Ano….gomen nasai….Acchan”, she was suddenly gazing at the floor, cheeks blazing, “but I am unable to return your affections. I already have someone”.
He could not believe his ears. Was he dreaming?
“Maria….”
“I’m sorry Atsushi”, she said with a great amount of sincerity, taking his hand gently, trying to calm him down.
It didn’t work. All it did was add fuel to the fire that was burning in his heart. Her touched almost singed him. He savagely yanked his hand away, trying to bite back tears.
“Do not apologise. Just stay away from me. Do not come near me ever again”. The ice-cold words hung like icicles in the air.
Her expression had turned from concern to hurt to shock. Her eyes widened at him. She was on the brink of tears.
“What’s going on here, sweetheart?”, came the voice of a young man from behind Maria. There stood a man of about the same age and height as Atsushi, with a cap of windswept raven hair. His skin was slightly tanned, and his limpid blue eyes surveyed the scene before him. His hands were tucked nonchalantly into the pockets of his tweed trousers.
“Err…..nothing Hiro”, she replied nervously, beginning to fidget uncomfortably in her position.
The expression on his face said that he was dubious, but he shrugged dismissively and moved to wrap an arm around Maria’s slim waist.
“Well Mari, we must take our leave now. Otou-sama is expecting us for dinner tonight. My family are all excited to meet you”, he told he in his honeyed tone, glancing at Atsushi every now and then out of his peripheral vision.
Atsushi felt as if his body was self-destructing cell by cell. He could not believe what was happening to him. How could Maria have fallen in love with anyone besides him? He could not have it. He was livid.
“Well anyway…it was nice to see you again, Atsushi. Maybe we will see each another later. I do hope you can come to Hiroshi and my wedding in the summer”. She tried to smile kindly at him, but it lacked her usual brightness.
Turning away from her, he nodded briefly and crossed his arms in an attempt to hold himself together.
“Good bye, Acchan.”
The man, who he presumed was Hiroshi and also Maria’s lover, nodded politely at him and in a moment they were both gone. Atsushi clenched his teeth
That bastard…how dare he take Maria from me? She’s mine.
A ghost of a regretful smile made itself known on his countenance. He wondered what on Earth had made him act in such a childish manner; like a selfish boy who had had his toy taken from him in punishment. He was starting to wonder whether he had gone too far…
He wandered cautiously to her side, as if she would suddenly leap at him. In a moment he was standing at her bedside, gazing upon her sleeping form. She was as still as she was half an hour ago. He wondered briefly how long it would be before her body would start to decompose, and his course of action when it did. Sitting on the edge of the bed again, he took her cold, pale hand in his, pressing to his cheek. He really loved Maria. He truly did. Now, peculiarly, he missed her terribly. He felt as if his whole body were aching for her. He clutched her hand tighter.
“Maria; my beautiful , loving, sweet Maria; if only I could tell you how much I love you….but the last thing you saw was my face, contorted with anger and jealousy, as I drained you…”. He trailed off, rendered unable to speak as a force hidden inside him caught his tongue, and choked his throat. His breathing became unsteady again, as he felt uncharacteristic tears clinging to his eyelashes.
No….I do not want to live in a world without her…I want to be by her side…
Forcing the breaths from his lips, he gently placed her hand back by her side. He got off the bed, having come to a resolution as to what he would do. He took one look at her over his shoulder before turning to leave the room, softly closing the door behind him.
A moment later he was standing in the kitchen, a small, white pill resting in the palm of his hand, a glass of water in the other. Suddenly feeling a wave of excited desperation flow through him, an eerie smile contorted his beautiful features.
Finally….he thought, my time has come…This will be the recompense for my sins….
Taking in a deep breath, he brought a hand to his mouth, allowing the pill to drop from his palm. Feeling its barely-noticeable weight against his tongue, he flushed the water down his throat in one rapid motion, swallowing deeply. Standing motionless for a matter of seconds, he waited with an air of resignation for the pill’s effects to take their course.
Suddenly, an intense wave of pain rolled through him, rendering all his defences useless. It started in his stomach; it felt as if someone was dragging a serrated blade through his insides. His head began to spin and his vision began to redden as he moved to clutch his stomach tightly. The shaky breaths that escaped him scraped his throat as he hurried back to the bedroom, feeling his knees begin to buckle underneath him.
Rapidly making his way in and closing the door behind him, he smiled ruefully to find that Maria was still there, waiting for him. His Maria. Now they would be together for eternity, and she would never leave his side again.
His vision was faltering, a sticky substance that tasted of copper had made itself known; bursting forth from his lips in a stream of crimson. He knew the end was near.
In a millisecond he was at her side once again that night. The breaths choked up in his throat, as he collapsed onto the bed beside his love. Crying out, he threw his head back as an overwhelming collection of sensations, feelings and memories spread through his mind. It was over in a second, as he felt his breathing quieten and his pulse slow. Reaching out towards the far end of the bed, he wrapped his arm tightly around the woman’s waist, pulling them as close as they could be with the little strength he had left. Black shadows were beginning to attack the corners of his eyes, as he tried to press Maria closer to him, resting her head on his other arm.
A strangely pure expression touched his face, as he smiled genuinely in his blissful state.
“I love you”, he whispered, closing his eyes and surrendering to the darkness that stained his world.