The Squares: Check One

There are always those few and far apart moments in your life where your heart is racing, your face is red, and you think everything is just in slow motion. I think my first one was when I fell in front of my old crush, which seems stupid, but it feels terrible when they're laughing at you because you tripped on a bump in the carpet.

I never really experienced another one. My parents always admired me for staying single for the time I did, mostly because I was wanted by the girls in school, and even a few of the gay and bisexual boys wanted me. Everybody thinks us gay kids are so open with our orientation, so confident and ready to throw everything out there, but we're not. There may be a few people who are confident in their sexuality, but there's always that little inkling within all of us that makes us reluctant to admit we like another person.

Whenever Valentines came along though, the reluctance did fade away just a bit. It was a day of love! Who was going to judge us for being in love? Only a monster really would. A homophobic monster, but most people were preoccupied with their girlfriends and boyfriends to pay much attention to who is with who.

I figured today would be a good day to admit to this kid I had a crush on since seventh grade. His name was Ryan. I know it sounded so run of the mill, but when you looked at him, you got these butterflies in your stomach, and they wouldn't go away until you slept them off. I remember the teacher once paired us history partners, and he looked into my eyes. God, they were breathtaking, though I'm sure they seemed like contacts. Eyes could never have been that green, after all (or so I thought).

Ryan never really crossed paths with me. He gave the occasional nod, maybe a "sorry" when we bumped shoulders in the hall, but other than that, we hung out with different people, we sat at different tables, our schedules were practically created so we were across the campus and far apart. We only had history together, but a lot of his friends were in that class, and absolutely none of my friends were in my class.

I shouldn't complain, at least he still acknowledges my presence, which is really nice since most people don't, but it makes you feel creepy when you're desperately trying to find someone that probably doesn't even know your last name.

But again, it was Valentines day. I could buy a secret Valentine card and send it to him! No, that wouldn't solve anything. He'd probably think it was from a girl or a hotter-than-me guy (since he was bi). I thought about leaving a note in his locker, but people would see me leave it, and that was the last thing I really needed. I really wanted to avoid him walking into a class and saying, "Who gave this to me?" Then having at least 30 people point to me. Yeah, people in high school rat you out that fast, which is why you don't do that.

Then I remembered that we had a fire drill! All I had to do was write one of those cheesy "Do you like me" things (without my name of course. All I need to do is see his reaction after all), and drop it on his desk while we're leaving. No one will see me, and then when we come back, he'd see it and then his reaction! It was genius!



I quickly scribbled on the last part of the note, then I folded it into small squares, smaller than I ever thought I could fold a paper. My fingers were trembling against the paper. I scolded myself. Way to make it obvious that you're nervous. But then again, people weren't exactly studying me. They were more worried about the ear piercing shriek that would fill the air, a signal that we were doing a fire drill.

As soon as the thing sounded, everybody stood up at once, rushing to leave the room and end up on the football field, but not me. I lagged behind and dropped the note on Ryan's desk. As I gave a sigh of relief, the teacher popped her head in the classroom.

"Wyatt, get out of here! This is a fire drill. Scoot, get in line." She pointed at the other teens lining up and pushing through the door with heavy sighs. Fire drills were always so ridiculous around here, especially since it took almost 10 or 15 minutes out of our class time.

Finally, we arrived at the football field where kids started screwing around. Ryan stood with his usual group of friends, his lip ring shining in the bright light of the sun. My friend Camden walked up next to me, shaking my shoulder when she realized I was once again staring at Ryan.

"Happy Valentines day, Wyatt." She smiled, handing me a white teddy bear. "Forgot to give it to ya before school started."

"Thanks, Cam." I nodded. I wrapped my arms around the fluffy bear while the sun grew unbearably hot as noon approached. I just hoped we would have enough time so Ryan could see the note. But I needed to be near him when he looked at it, or else I would never know.

I turned to my right, staring at Ryan's usual posse of friends, but instead of talking with them, he stared at Camden and I in our small clique. I froze up, but forced myself to pull a rigid hand from my pocket and wave at him. He moved some of his hair from his face and smiled. "Hi", he mouthed, making the lip ring hanging off of his bottom lip shake and twinkle in the sun. I waved again, and I swore the look on my face was one of pain because he started to laugh. I turned to avoid his gaze anymore, to which Camden punched my shoulder as hard as she could.

"Smooth!" She remarked. "I want to be as smooth as you one day, Wyatt." Her voice had sarcasm dripping in every word.

"I'm sorry." I apologized stupidly. "He caught me off guard! He was just like, 'Hi, here I am in all my amazing juicy-ness!' What am I supposed to say?"

"You wave to him, and then you mouth something completely random, maybe something that's not even a word. When he doesn't understand what you're trying to say, you wave him over. Then you ask him some random question. The next thing you know, Ryan is all over your naked body with Nutella and whipped cream saying, 'Bear my children, Wyatt!' The end." Camden said louder than expected, making a few girls giggle uncomfortably behind us. I covered my face with my sleeves, silently begging her to stop. She was always making fun of my social skills.

Actually, I had no idea how we managed to be friends. She was the social butterfly (well, she had the social butterfly skills, she just hated everybody), and I was this weird kid. I guess some girls had called me cute, but it wasn't like everybody was dying to be my friend. I don't think I would have wanted a lot of friends anyways. I'm pretty shy, so it would be hard to be liked when you can't even speak to people.



Now we come back to my first point; we all have had those few and far apart moments in our lives where our hearts start to race, our faces are flushed and we think everything is in slow motion. I couldn't even catch my breath at some points, which was ridiculous, given that Ryan had only walked into the classroom and grabbed the paper off of his desk. He licked his bottom lip, playing with his silver lip ring. I swear, he did it intentionally just to make me frustrated.

The girls squealed, standing around him in a large circle. The class was coming to the end, only five minutes left while the teacher planned the next lesson. Ryan unfolded the page a bit more, smiling when he saw the page opened. I felt my face flush, but I managed to hide it by placing my hood over my face.

"Oh, it's a love note— from who— look at the handwriting— so pretty— kinda cheesy— which one, Ryan?"

then a thought kind of hit me. I am so stupid. How would he know the note was from me? I'm such a genius (did you not catch my sarcasm?).

I sighed heavily, smacking my face into the wood desk. My knees bumped against the bottom of the desk, and I swear, I made as much noise as possible, but I didn't care. How stupid was I to think he would ever know it was from me? And if he did know it was from me, how? Christ, I'm an idiot.

"I don't know." Ryan said.

"Do you know who it's from?"

"Yeah." Ryan nodded. I peeked at him, yelping when he pulled a pencil out of his jacket and placed the paper on the desk. I couldn't see which he was checking, but I thought to myself that he checked the "No" box. I bit my bottom lip. What did I expect? Ryan could have had anyone in this entire school. Scratch that, he could have anyone in this entire city. Why did it have to be me?

The bell rang and I slowly pushed my notebooks and pencils into a backpack I carried. I slid it over my shoulder, tightening the strap so it was almost pressed against my chest. The girls continued to squeal, asking each other if they had given it to Ryan, but none of them owned up to something they didn't do. Then again, I wouldn't own up to something I did do.

Finally, I finished, getting ready to leave the class when Ryan tapped on my shoulder. My breaths caught in my throat while the teacher left in order to make some copies of papers. Ryan placed the paper in my hands, a smirk upon those perfect lips. His lip ring perfectly curled around his lip, before he said something.

"See you tomorrow." Then he left the room without anything else.

Quickly, I opened the paper, squealing to myself as I saw a check upon the "Yes" box on the paper. Underneath it, in perfect cursive was a small, not even a sentence, letter.

"Date, tomorrow at 6. Come to the football field.
~signed, Ryan."

I caught myself squealing even as I told Camden about it. She smiled, but of course made fun of me for being so happy.

"What are you gonna wear tomorrow?" She asked after finishing with her sarcasm.

"I dunno.... Probably just... clothes."

"Well, no shit, Sherlock." She spat. "You're just gonna show up to a date, naked. You're a genius." She said.

"You don't have to be so mean about it, Cam...."

The silence between us grew as I fumbled around with the paper in between my fingers. I placed it in the pocket of my pants, though I avoided everybody elses gazes. Did they figure out the note was from me in the first place?

As I began to calm myself down, Camden always had to screw up my calmness.

"So, who's topping?"