I Have A Brother?

My thoughts were still in a daze as we both continued to sit at the kitchen table. I tried to think of something, anything that could prevent this from happening but no matter what kind of scenario ran through my head I always came to the same conclusion that we had probably already tried it.

Two years ago when we were first told the news of her cancer I thought that was the worst moment in my life. Our family history showed no traces of cancer before and yet it still happened to a perfectly healthy woman. It wasn’t fair at all and I hated god for it. What did he have against me to take the last family member that I had left? I didn’t have a dad as he had passed away when I was 5 in a car accident and I didn’t have any aunts or uncles as both of my parents were only children like myself. I was going to be alone after mom passed, an orphan at 19.

I shut my eyes as silence began to fill the room. The only sound that could be heard was the ticking of the second hand on the clock and oh how I wanted to throw it against the wall with it’s annoying chime.
We were both still lost in our own thoughts as we just stared down at our coffee cups that she had gotten for us. The silence was still ringing in my ears, driving me to the point that I just had to speak.

“How much longer?” I whispered, my voice still raspy from all my crying.

She remained silent for a moment as her fingers trace the lip of her mug, wiping away a stray tear as she murmured “4 months, maybe 5.”

The deafening silence started to get the best of the situation again, revealing the answer I so did not want to hear.
I found her hand close around mine again as fallen tears dropped down my cheeks, feeling them randomly turn on and off with my sorrow.

She gently pulled me to her lap as I delicately rested my head against her soft lavender blouse. “I love you sweetheart.” she whispered into my ear and it took all that I had to not break down into sobs for the second time.

“I love you too mom,” I whimpered. “so much…”

I felt weak at this point, numb to my emotions as I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I knew that I should at least attempt to act strong for her, let her know that I was going to be ok but how could I say that when I knew I would be lying to myself? I’ve never felt more emo…

“Ana, sweetheart sit up.” I heard her gently say. “I need to talk to you about a few things.”

I carefully got up from her lap like she asked and retreated back to my previous chair that sat next to her.

“Mom if you’re going to tell me about what’s going to happen I already know…the doctors and psychiatrists have informed me many times about the possibilities…”

She shook her head at my assumption. “That’s not what I want to talk to you about An. It’s about something more important than that.”

I quizzically studied her. “What is it?”

She sighed as she pushed her cup to the side, pulling her chair closer to mine. “An we need to talk about what’s going to happen to you after all of this is over. You know since I won’t be here to take care of you anymore.”

“Mom I’m getting a job soon,” I told her. “and the last time we talked about this you said I could have the house since it’s paid for.”

She shook her head at me again. “I’m not talking financially honey. I mean someone to look after you in the family. Someone you can talk to.”

I grimly narrowed my eyes at her. “Mom you know there’s no one else. Grandma and Grandpa aren’t even alive anymore.”

Once again she shook her head, letting out a shallow sigh. “Ana…I hope you can forgive me but I haven’t exactly been truthful with you about something.”

I arched my eyebrow in curiosity , wondering what she had been lying to me about. “What?”

Another sigh escaped her lips as she put her hand against her forehead. “I don’t even know how to say this…”

“Then just say it.” I said soothingly, wanting to find out what was going on.

She slowly remover her hand from her face, looking almost scared to face me as she spoke in a whisper. “You’re not my only child.”

It took me a second to register what she had said, hearing that she may have lost her mind. “W-What?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,” She apologized, curling her fingers around my hand. “I’ve wanted to for so long but I just couldn’t.”

It was hard not to be mad at her right now, even under the circumstances. Five minutes ago I was praying for a miracle or to tell me that she was only joking. Not tell me that she had been lying to me for 19 years about my secret sibling.

“How the hell did this happen? I fumed. “Why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t lie to hurt you!” she defended. “Just please let me explain.”

I crossed my arms over my chest as I waited for her to do just that. “Please, go ahead.”

She let out a sigh as she casually removed a few wrinkles from her blouse, pulling it down to get comfortable before she began. “Do you want to know anything before I begin?”

“Well there are plenty of things that I would like to know,” I replied “but first just tell me how old he or she is.”

She nodded her head as she answered softly. “He’s 26. Not married but engaged and he lives in Huntington Beach.”

“So I have a brother?” I asked her. “And he’s been less than 25 miles away from me for the past 19 years and I didn’t even know it? Does he know about me?”

My questions were pouring out of my mouth faster than she could process them, forcing her to hold a hand up to calm me down. “Yes he knows about you. He’s been wanting to meet you for a long time now.”

I had to fight the urge to not shout. “Well then why didn’t he come meet me then?! Does he even know what we’re going through while he lives his perfect little life in Huntington? I bet he doesn’t even care!”

My mom put her hands on my trembling shoulders from my sudden outburst, her voice was calm as she spoke. “Ana he does care about us alright? He hasn’t met you yet because I would let him. I have my reasons which I’ll explain in a minute but you need to realize he’s not a bad person. If you want to be mad at someone be mad at me but please let me explain everything before you make any more assumptions about him.”

My hands were still shaking with anger as I crossed them over my chest but I remained silent for her to start explaining. “Fine,” I said through gritted teeth. “but start from the beginning.”

She nodded as she took in a deep breath, letting go of me as she sat back in her seat. “Alright well I guess I’ll just start from when I first found out that I was pregnant. It certainly wasn’t planned as I was only 16 but I decided to keep him since I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I got an abortion.”

I smiled at her decision. Both of us were strongly leaned toward pro-life so I was happy that she hadn’t aborted and stuck to her beliefs even at such a young age.

“And naturally I was scared to tell my boyfriend.” she began again. “I knew if I let him know that he was the father he might bail on me and not even a day after he was told he did just that, leaving me alone with just your grandmother to help me through the pregnancy. My dad wouldn’t talk to me for the longest time.”

I put a comforting hand on top of hers to let her know that I was sorry. Sometimes my grandpa wasn’t the nicest person that I had known. He died when I was 10, my grandma at 15.

“It’s alright mom.” I soothed. “It’s over now.”

Her smile was solemn as she looked back to me, her voice seemingly softer as she spoke. “Now before I let you know what ended up happening to him I want you to understand that my decision was not easy. I did it for the best.”

I could already guess what she had done. The sorrow in her eyes told me everything. “You gave him up.” I stated. We both knew it wasn’t a question.

Once again she glumly nodded, putting her head down in shame. “It’s the last thing that I wanted to do…I was a single teenage mother and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to give him the life that I had always pictured for my children.” She picked her head up from looking at the carpet, taking my hands I hers again. “I know that you haven’t had the best life either but at least I was always there for you. I wasn’t mentally mature enough to be a mother at that point in my life.”

I didn’t exactly know what to say to her as I looked down at our hands, still clasped together. I felt like I wanted to cry myself because I felt so bad for her. The whole time she explained herself I noticed a thin layer of tears that glazed over her hazel eyes. I wanted to tell her that it was all going to be okay but we both knew that would be a lie. We both knew the fate that was sure to come.

“So then what happened after that?” I asked her. “Where did he go?”

She cleared her throat as she answered me. “Well around my 6th month was the time that I decided I was going to have to give him up so I started to look at families close in the area. I interviewed a lot but none of them really seemed like the right one. None of them clicked until the very last family that I talked to. They had a nice home back in Huntington, bringing in maybe $100,000 a year. They were adopting because after trying to have children themselves they realized that they couldn’t because the wife was sterile.”

“Well were they nice?” I asked. “They weren’t like serial killers or anything were they?”

She lightly laughed at my question, shaking her head with a strong no. “Of course not. They were very friendly and down to earth. I knew I had made the right decision.”

I sat there in a numb state of shock as she finished, trying to slowly take it all in. I couldn’t believe that I had a brother, especially one that was older than me. I remember back when I was in elementary school I had always wished that I could’ve had an older brother to beat up all the kids that used to pick on me. Not in a million years would I ever thought that my wish would come true. I wondered what he was like, if he was going to like me or if he knew a lot about me at all. As the questions flashed through my brain I realized that there was still one thing that I didn’t know.

“Mom? I asked, breaking the silence as she had left me to ponder my thoughts.

“Yes honey?”

“What’s his name?”