Desperately Reaching for Something in the Dark

I hung up my phone and put it back in my bag. It was now or never. Eventually, we’d run into each other again. And to be completely honest, I just wanted to get the truth out. I wanted to tell him that he was a father and I wanted him to meet Charlie. Charlie deserved to know who her dad is.

So when my feet started moving, I didn’t stop. But I did stop when I reached the aisle he was standing in and I took a good look at him. He definitely changed since I last saw him; his long, shaggy brown hair is now a brownish-red color that’s a little shorter. His muscles were more formed now, and I figured that was from playing the guitar almost every night for the past 3 years. He was wearing a pair of skinny jeans and it looked like his legs were smaller than mine are.

I took another step. And another, and another, and another.

That made me stand right beside him. He was still browsing through the records, not noticing someone was beside him. So I took the initiative. I coughed into my hand, causing him to look up at me. And once he registered who I was, his face dropped.

“Aria?”

I nodded. “Y—yeah.”

“Why are you back in Baltimore?”

“Just visiting my parents.” I lied. Okay, well, a half-lie. I just left out a very important factor. Charlie.

“That’s cool; I was just over there a few days ago.” He told me.

“My mom told me when she picked me up from the airport.”

Cue the awkward silence. I wanted to tell him the truth so badly, but now that I actually started talking to him, I couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come out. It was simple really; just 4 words. You have a daughter.

“So…” He trailed off, messing with the hem of his black t-shirt. “How’ve you been?”

“I—I’ve been good, I guess. Thing’s could be better. How about you?”

“Pretty good, to be honest. The band’s really picking up and getting popular, so that’s great.”

I nodded. “Rian told me.”

“You’ve talked to Rian?”

“Yeah, he—he saw me when I went back to my mom’s car to find my phone and we just started talking.”

“Did you tell him why you left me?”

Blunt and straight to the point. Typical. “He eventually got it out of me.”

“Will you ever tell me?”

“You know, I was planning on telling you at the perfect time, but now, I just want to tell you and get it over with. I’m tired of waiting.”

“Then tell me.” He said.

“I can’t, not here. What I’m about to tell you… we should talk about it at your house.”

“But my girlfri—” He stopped mid-word, realizing what he was about to say.

“It’s fine, I know about your girlfriend. You can say it.”

“She’s in the car.”

“Is there anywhere you can take her for a little? This is really important and about me and you. Not her.”

“She said something about wanting to see her friend, I can see if she wants to, then I could drop her off and we could meet up at my house.”

I nodded. “Sure, yeah. That sound good.”

“You know where I live?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll uh, see you there, I guess.” He said as we both left the record store, going our separate ways to exit the mall.

--

I pulled up to his and Rian’s house before he did. I parked my car on the side of the road and went to his front door, knocking three times before Rian answered.

“Here to pick up Charlie?”

“N—no, I’m meeting up with Alex here so I can tell him about Charlie.” I said. “I figured it’d be better to tell him so he can see her, too.”

“Are you sure you’re gonna be able to tell him?”

“Rian, I’ve kept this secret in for 3 goddamn years, I need to tell him before it kills me.” I replied. “He needs to know and Charlie deserves to know who her father is.”

Rian nodded and just then, a black Audi pulled into the driveway. The passenger seat was empty. A sigh of relief slipped past my lips as I watched him get out of his car and over to where Rian and I were standing.

The two boys greeted each other with a “man hug” as they said, and we all went inside. Rian shut the door behind us.

“Well, Cass wants to video-chat, so I’ll be upstairs if you need me.” He said.

I gulped before facing him. I could hear Charlie’s giggle from the living room and I looked over at her, a smile on my face. Alex’s eyes followed mine and he saw her.

I looked up and saw his expression. It was a cross between hurt, adoration and confusion. Hurt, maybe because he thought the kid playing with Barbie dolls in his living room was someone else’s. Adoration because Charlie was an adorable little girl with her brown curls and brown eyes, the smile on her face. Confusion, probably because he didn’t know what to think about what he was looking at.

If I was in his place, I wouldn’t know what to think, either.

Charlie dropped her Barbie dolls and ran over to me. “Mommy! You’re back!”

“Did you have a good time with Rian?” I asked her, picking her up and placing her against my hip.

“Yes! He made me grilled cheese sammich!” She exclaimed. “It was good! Not like yours, though.” She giggled, then her eyes wandered over to Alex. “Mommy, who’s that?” She pointed her tiny finger at him.

I’m about to tell my daughter and Alex at the same time that he was her dad and he had a baby girl. Here goes nothing.

“That’s your daddy.”

I couldn’t read the expression on Alex’s face. I stood there, my heart beating rapidly against my ribcage that I could’ve passed out. So many things were running through my mind right now.

But then he spoke up. “Hi, sweetie. What’s your name?”

“Charlie!” She exclaimed. “What’s yours?”

“I’m Alex.” He softly smiled at the little girl.

“You’re my daddy.” She said, a huge grin forming on her face. “You’re my daddy!”

She held out her tiny arms, signaling that she wanted Alex to hold her. “She wants you to hold her.” I told him.

He took a step forward and grabbed the girl from my hands and placed her in his, hitching her on his hip.

I watched him as he talked with her. He even went to go play Barbie with her after a few minutes. Rian eventually came back downstairs when he heard laughing, and he walked over to me.

“How’d it go?”

I looked over at him. “So much better than I thought it would.”