Desperately Reaching for Something in the Dark

20 minutes passed, and Alex stood up from where he was playing with Charlie. He slowly walked over to me, slipping his hands into his jean pockets. Once he came up to me, he stood beside me and we just watched Charlie play with the plastic dolls with a huge smile on her face.

It was hard not to love her.

Then he spoke up. “Why didn’t you tell me I had a daughter?”

“I was 19 when I found out, Alex. Nineteen. We were nowhere near ready for a baby, with you focusing on your band and starting to tour further away, I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to you to give up on your dreams.”

“Wait, so that’s why you left? You found out you were pregnant?” I nodded. “You could’ve told me, you know. I would’ve been ecstatic about it.”

“I know, I always remember the conversations we had about having kids.”

We were sitting on the couch, watching TV. Alex’s arm was around my waist and I was leaning on his shoulder. There was a blanket covering us both since it was winter time and it was cold.

“Hey, Ar.” He called, getting my attention.

I looked up at him. “Yeah?”

His gaze went back to the television screen. The mother was holding a newborn baby in her arms, rocking back and forth while the dad was doing something in the kitchen. “Do you think we’ll ever be like that?”

A smile appeared on my face when I saw what he was referring to. “I’d hope so.”

“If we do have a baby, what would you wanna name it?”

“Well, I’ve always wanted Aiden Michael, and for a girl, it’d probably be Charlotte Danielle; Charlie for short.” I told him. “What about you?”

“I like those names.” He looked down at me, smiling the smile I loved oh so much. “They’re perfect.” He leaned down, pushing his lips against mine softly. “If I’ll ever end up having kids, I’d want them to be with you.” He told me.

I kissed him once more. “Me too.”

“We’d have perfect babies, you know that?” He said, causing me to laugh. “I’m not joking. Seriously, they’d be beautiful. I mean, look at me, and look at you. We’d make beautiful babies, Ar.”

“You said you always wanted to name your baby Charlie if it was a girl.” He said out loud, looking down at me.

“And I did.” I replied, looking up at him. There was a little sparkle in his eye after he found out about Charlie.

Maybe I should’ve told him earlier.

“How old is she?” He asked.

“She’ll be 4 in 2 weeks.”

“I wish you would’ve told me, Ar. Thing’s would be so different now.”

I sighed. “Yeah, everything would be different…”

“You know what hurt the most about you leaving?” He asked, I shook my head. “That week, I went to a jewelry store with Rian and Jack, they helped me pick out a ring. I—I was planning on proposing that weekend.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off.

“And then I woke up the next morning, and you were gone. I looked everywhere for you, Aria. I thought someone took you or something! I had so many scenarios that could’ve happened running through my head I was so worried. But then I went to your parent’s house and your mom told me you left. She refused to tell me where you went and why.” He paused before starting up again. “I was in this depression-like mood for months because of you leaving. The guys told me to move on—because if you still cared, you would’ve called and let me know what went on that night. But you never did. So I moved on; I ran into Rachel at a local show one night and we hit it off pretty easy. For 3 years, I still thought about you every night. I thought about what I did wrong to make you leave.”

Hearing about how he met his girlfriend set a queasy feeling in my stomach. I took a deep breath. “I wanted to call you as soon as I landed in California, I really did. But I couldn’t get the courage to tell you, so I didn’t. I spent three years living with my friend, Rikki and Charlie. I never told her about you until today.”

“Did she ever ask about me?”

“Of course, she’d ask ‘Where’s my daddy?’ and I had to muster up some lie every time. I felt like shit lying to her, but I didn’t know how you’d feel about her, so I never told her, because she’d get her hopes up, and once she finally met you and for some reason you didn’t want anything to do with her it’d crush her little heart.” I took a breath. “But knowing that you obviously want to be in her life, I can tell she’s happy.”

“You’ll let me be in her life?” He asked, shock written all over his face. “After not being there for three years?”

“Of course I will. Did you see that look on her face when I said you’re her dad? God, Alex, she lit up. She already loves you.”

A smile broke out on his face. “It’s weird knowing there’s a little part of me sitting there.”

“You get used to it.” I told him. Then I got an idea. “Uh, i—if you want to, I can leave her here so you can spend some quality time with her and then you can bring her back to my parent’s place in a few hours? I’m sure she’ll like daddy time.”

He nodded. “Yeah, that sounds great.”

We exchanged phone numbers and I told Charlie she’d be staying here with her dad for a couple hours, and she jumped up, squealing and clapping her hands. I kissed her forehead and she plopped back down on the floor.

“Bye, mommy!” She yelled when I opened the front door.

“Bye, sweetheart. I’ll see you soon.” I turned to Alex. “Call me if you need anything, she’s a bit of a handful sometimes.”

He smiled. “That sounds like me.”

“Yeah,” I chuckled, “that’s one of the qualities she got from you.”

--

2 hours passed and I hadn’t gotten a phone call from Alex or Rian, so I figured that everything was going good. To be honest, I was worried. But I had to trust Alex; he was her father, anyway.

When I got home, my mom and dad were sitting at the kitchen table, my father reading the newspaper and my mother pouring a cup of lemonade. When they saw me walk in without Charlie, they asked where she was.

“She’s with Alex.”

“You told him?” My mother asked as she came into the dining room, sitting down in the chair next to my dad. I nodded. “That’s amazing, Arianna! How’d he take it?”

“Really well, which surprised me to be honest. I wasn’t exactly sure how he’d take it but mom; you had to see the way he looked at her. There was so much adoration in his eyes.”

“How’d Charlie react?” She then asked.

“She loves him already. When I told him, she was like ‘you’re my daddy!’ and I couldn’t help but smile at her reaction.”

Just then, my phone started going off from my bag. I reached down, pulling my iPhone and seeing Alex’s name flash on the screen. I prepared myself for the worst.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” he said, “Charlie fell asleep so I’m gonna bring her over. Is that okay?”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. All the worry I had washed away. “Yeah, yeah, go ahead and bring her home.”

“Alright, I’ll be there in about 10 minutes.” He told me.

“I’ll be outside waiting so I can help you bring her bag in.” I said before we said our goodbyes, and hung up the phone.

The ten minutes I had to wait felt like they dragged on for hours. I hadn’t been around my baby girl almost all day and I missed her like crazy. I didn’t even care that she was asleep—I’d just lay in bed with her and read my book.

I saw a car park in the driveway so I ran outside and met Alex at his car. He handed me the bag I’d brought to Rian’s house and he followed me into the house, carrying Charlie’s sleeping body in his arms.

We went upstairs to my old bedroom and he gently laid her on the bed. He bent down and kissed her forehead before I dropped the bag on the floor and shut the door after we exited the room.

“How was she?” I asked him. “She wasn’t too much for you, was she?”

He shook his head. “Nah, she was fine. Rian and I ended up playing Barbie’s for almost an hour, and I can say that I’ve never done that before.” He laughed. “But she’s really picky to cook for.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, knowing exactly how picky she was with food. “Sorry about that, I should’ve told you.”

“We just ended up giving her another grilled cheese after she begged for it.”

“Grilled cheese is her favorite.” I told him. “And pancakes.”

He smiled at me, and then his phone rang. He pulled it out and sighed at what he read. “Sorry, I have to leave. Rachel’s ready to come home.”

Things suddenly became awkward at the mention of his girlfriend.

“But uh, if you’re not busy tomorrow, we should be with Charlie together. You know, let her be around both her parents at the same time.” He ran a hand through his hair; a nervous habit.

I contemplated the idea. Why not? “Sure, why not?” I said, agreeing with his suggestion. “Is 2 okay with you?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I have a band meeting at 1 at my place and Rian’s picking up Cass from the airport, so if you want you can come over after?”

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said.

He did something that I wasn’t suspecting. He stepped forward, his arms open. I walked into his embrace and wrapped my arms around him, returning the hug.

Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as I thought.