She Brought It Upon Herself.

“Just imagine, that’s all you can do for now.”

I listened to his voice. The wind blew strands of my hair over my face. I could still see the town below through them from the top of the hill. My heart beat was steady in my chest, I’d learnt how to keep calm in these situations over time. I’ve conditioned myself very well if I do say so myself. I know not to show emotion, any ounce of it.

I could very well pull of being a psychopath.

The city below me glowed so bright as it did at night. The sound of an urban city could probably be heard in the countryside. It was just so loud and bright. From up here it was so still. Just the wind, the cold wind.

James stood behind me. He was expecting me to be nervous. I was scared of heights, but up here I was so used to it that I had become accustomed to the fear I was suppose to feel.

He grabbed my hand and held it up pointing at one of the many city buildings. I stared at it feeling his face close to mind. His breath danced across the hairs of my skin.

“Watch it burn. Imagine the smoke building up in the sky. The panic, the screams, the stampedes. It’s going to happen one day and here we shall be. Watching and laughing. We made it after all. We deserve it.”

I imagined what he said. The screams and panic. All of it. I looked up towards the overcast sky hoping the heavens would open up on us. They didn’t.

“You aren’t scared anymore are you?”

He asked me softly. My eyes fell back down to the city when he let go of my hand. I didn’t let this mask slip as I looked at him. He stared at me intensely.

“I’m not scared.”

I kept my voice soft in return to him. James showed about as much emotion as I was letting myself. It was arguable if he was an actual psychopath, I didn’t want to question him about it and then find out the answer. He was probably a sociopath. No sense of what is right or what is wrong. Existence is just that, nothing. No purpose or sense of need.

I can’t imagine that. James wanted to see the world burn. That was what he thought was right anyway. Burning away what hurt him, what scared him and whatever had more power than him. Anything that felt emotion. Anything that had the privilege of emotions.

Seconds, minutes passed before finally movement happened again. He grabbed my hair tightly pulling my head back and I felt cold steel against the exposed skin of my neck. I didn’t fight, I didn’t make a noise. I knew what he was doing. I stared at the city knowing he was staring at my neck. He wanted to see my pulse. The only sign that I could not musk. My heart beat. He could see the blood was flowing faster through my artery. My pulse was quickened by his act and suddenly all my fears flooded through my veins.

“Don’t lie to me.”

He said to me. His voice almost making him sound like he had emotions. It was deceiving for a moment.

“Or else you will burn with them.”

He let me go and pushed me to the ground. I sighed relieved, but quietly. I sat on knees staring at the city again. I saw his hand and looked up at his cold face. I grabbed his hand and he pulled me back to my feet. My heart beat was still quickened. I couldn’t slow it.

James turned away from me holding onto my hand still. I followed behind him silently. A conscious shouting at me to turn away and walk the other way. Get the hell away from him. I’m sure any person would tell me to get the hell away from him. He’d been sent away to some psychiatric place and placed on some sort of system that is meant to help him.

You can teach someone something they cannot see, feel or hear. Don’t they say if you can’t see, feel or hear it, it doesn’t exist? Emotions do not exist for James and I feel sorry for him. So sorry. The guilt of his life keeps me holding onto his hand. Following him. Helping him. Helping him destroy and control whatever he wants.

He still holds my hand and lets me know, reminds me, I’ve brought this upon myself.