Take a Chance and Be Strong

It all started six months ago, when Martin moved to Baltimore with his Mom. It had been six months since Martin had started attending the local highschool and six months since he met the boy of his dreams.
See, the thing about dreams is that reality is usually exaggerated but somehow, this time; Martin wasn’t dreaming... This boy was really here. Martin found himself sat across the room from someone so perfect. He had short black hair that stuck up, pretty green eyes and pale skin, his clothes were tight and they hugged his body; showing off his defined muscles. And from that moment, at 17 years old, that Martin knew.
Martin knew that Zack Merrick was the boy of his dreams.
It’s terrifying really, knowing that the person you like is sat across the room and even scarier than he didn’t even know Martin’s name or really that he existed. But Martin was a determined boy and he made it an ambition before he left high school to get to know Zack.
And over the weeks, Martin did just that. He made friends with Alex in his music class and Alex invited him go come sit with them at Lunch, and somehow, Martin became a regular at their table; getting to know Jack and Rian as well as all the people who seemed to come and go from the group. But for some reason, Zack always seemed withdrawn. He never seemed to be in the moment, instead just daydreaming about something else and at first Martin thought he was just a bit of a dreamer but then he began to see the pain that sat behind that beautiful smile. He started to see how his eyes flickered down from time-to-time; always with a hint of sadness hidden within them.
And that was when Martin realised. He realised that this boy. This beautiful, perfect, amazing boy was so broken. He was broken and hiding it so well.
Martin actually remembers the first words Zack ever spoke to him. The boys had all been sat in the Music room during Lunch because it was raining; Martin was sat in the corner, playing his guitar and singing softly along to the melody when Zack had come and sat next to him and given him one of his breath-taking smiles. Martin hadn’t realised at the time but he had actually been staring at the other boy and then Zack quietly said; “You have a nice voice”. And that was it, he didn’t say anything else and he just sat next to Martin for the rest of Lunch and listened to him sing and for a short while; the pain behind his smile seemed to disappear.
The time seemed to pass quickly whenever he was with the guys. Whether it was watching a movie, playing videogames or just sat together while Martin would absent-mindedly strum at his guitar and sang under his breath. He loved being friends with them all; he belonged and Martin couldn’t ask for more, but still, there was always that sadness in Zack’s eyes that the other boy just wanted to go away and for a while, Martin didn’t think it ever would.
But then three months after he moved, his school had held a talent competition and somehow, Alex and Jack had convinced Martin to sign up and he participated. And Martin found himself stood on a stage in front of his entire school, a microphone before him and he felt comfortable. He just strummed the strings until it felt like his fingertips were bleeding, he sang until his voice hurt but it felt so right. Martin ended up coming second in that competition; runner-up to the cheerleading squad and honestly, what else did he really expect?
But from there, his school wanted him to perform at events. He would stand there, in front of thousands; just him and his guitar. And each time, he’d always spot Zack stood away from the masses of people, smiling slightly at what he was hearing and it made Martin’s heart swell that he was able to make the other boy smile.
And then just last week, he built up the courage and asked Zack out. He had managed to convince himself just to do it and get it over with and when he had stood in front of the other boy, and asked him if he’d like to go to out; the other boy just apologised before leaving. And that was all he got. Zack hadn’t actually answered his question; he’d just said “I’m sorry” before turning and walking off. Martin had never felt so humiliated in his life.
He hadn’t gone to school for two days after; too scared of facing Zack. Too scared of feeling all these emotions for the other boy and knowing that they weren’t ever going to be returned. He just wanted to stay in his house forever and never have to look at Zack ever again because he served as a reminder to the pure mortification that Martin had felt on that day.
But his plans to remain inside forever seemed not to go as planned because after school on his second day at home; Alex decided it was time to pay a visit to Martin, and as unwanted as the visit was; the other boy could see the nice gesture that Alex was showing and he did appreciate. But as soon as Alex saw that Martin wasn’t ill, he immediately wanted to know why the boy was missing school. And really, Martin had no choice but to tell him.
He told Alex all about how he had been crushing on Zack ever since he first saw him and he told him all about how horrible he felt after Zack hadn’t even had the decency to give him a reason or actually deny the offer for that matter. He poured his heart out to the other boy but instead of looking like he held even the slightest shred of pity for Martin, he just looked guilty.
And that was when Alex explained it. He explained the reason for Zack’s sadness and Zack’s pain.
As it turns out; two years ago, Zack had been dating a boy called John and they seemed like the perfect, inseparable movie-standard couple and then after nearly a year of being together, John committed suicide. It was sudden, unexpected and it tore Zack apart; he blamed himself for John’s death. Saying that he should have known and he could have stopped it. Zack blamed himself for what this boy did and since then, Zack hasn’t dated anyone. And Martin felt his heart break for the other boy; he knows that he’s been through; he knows better than anyone just how painful it is to lose someone so close. Martin managed to make it up the stairs and into his room, he dug around under his bed until he found a small metal box and he took a deep breath before opening it, and suddenly there are memories filling his head, things he’d forced himself to forget. He pulled out bits of paper until he finds what he was looking for and his tears started to fall before he’s even managed to unfold the paper.
It takes another two days before he goes into school, and he just avoided everyone. He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want Alex to find him and try and give him another pep-talk like he had done before he’d left Martin’s house the previous day. All Martin wants to do is get through the school day and get home but again, his plans were ruined but not intentionally this time. Martin forgot that his and Zack’s lockers were together so when he turned up to ditch his books; his heart almost ripped in two on the spot for the boy. But he kept it cool, he walked up and pretended not to see him before he began to shove books into his locker and just as he slams the door; Zack quietly said his name.
And Martin freezes, because he just wants to wrap the other boy in his arms and never let him go. But he can’t and that’s what hurts the most; more than the rejection, more than the memories.
Martin doesn’t know what to say but despite this, he turned to look at the other boy. “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry” Zack repeated, his eyes going to his shoes.
“I know...” Martin replied.
“You don’t” Zack whispered “I like you, I do. Bu-But I just can’t” his hands are drawn into fists and it’s clear to Martin how torn up Zack is by all of this. “I just can’t”
“I understand” Martin muttered. “I know and I understand by that doesn’t mean I’m going to give up”
Zack suddenly looked up, shaking his head “You don’t... You can’t understand.”
Martin takes a deep breath and stares at the ceiling in hopes that the tears in his eyes will go away “I do,” he replied quickly “I have to go but promise me. Promise me that you’ll come to my show tomorrow; in the Hall at Lunch”
Zack just nods and Martin walks away as the tears begin to once again cascade down his face.
-&-
And that is how Martin ended up here.
Stood on a stage in front of his entire school in the Hall, from where he’s stood, he can see Zack and that’s what drives him to actually do this. He’s just done a few of his usual songs and he knows he’s distracting himself from what he’s about to do, but he figures ‘fuck it’ and he stops adjusting his guitar in favour or stepping up to the microphone before him.
“Hey,” he breaths, his eyes scanning the crowd just to see that they’re paying attention. “I’m going to play something a little different now. I know that this is usually the point where I play something really upbeat to finish but today... today I’m not going to do that.”
He watches as the students exchange a few looks before they return their attention back to him.
“Y’know, when I first moved here, I constantly got questioned about why I would ever dream about moving from Massachusetts to Maryland and before I’ve always replied with something real trivial but this is the real reason” he lets out a deep breath and swallows hard, and he locks eyes with Zack from across the room. “About nine months ago, my best friend took his own life.” He tries to blink harder to get rid of the pooling tears but it doesn’t work “And I blamed myself... I recognised that he was becoming more withdrawn. I saw that he wasn’t talking or smiling as much and the day I finally planned to talk to him about it; he didn’t come to school. In fact, he never when anywhere ever again”
An eerie silence settles over the crowd and Martin attempts to even out his rapidly increasing breathing rate “I moved from Massachusetts to get away from all those memories because I tore myself up thinking about all the things I could have done to help him but it’s only recently that I realised that I couldn’t have done anything... And I’ve felt so welcomed here and it’s impossible to think that I’ve managed to make some amazing friends and through these last six months, I’ve found myself falling for someone but they’re held back because of their past and-“
Martin has to abruptly stop because his breath is catching in his throat and he’s so close to letting a sob break from his lips. But he knows that he needs to do this; for himself, for Zack and for everyone there who has ever felt like this. It takes him a few moments to collect himself but he does it and he clears his throat to continue.
“-and if my friends death has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t live in the past, you have to move on and as hard as that seems, you need to be brave and have courage because it needs to be done. And you’ll find that it makes you a stronger person in the long run. You need to remember the good and never forget what that person has taught you because otherwise their passing would have been in vain. And as much as it hurts and as much as it kills you, you need to be so brave and you need to live your life because that’s what they would have wanted.” A tear fell and gently trickled down his face, he quickly wiped it away and his eyes flickered to Zack again who had tears dripping down his cheeks and he was making no attempt to get rid of them.
Martin smiled softly “I wrote this song when it first happened and I think that it explains everything, and I hope it helps everyone come to terms with something terrible that has happened in their lives”
And without another word, Martin begins to play his guitar and then he sings gently into the microphone;
“Little change of the heart, little light in the dark
Little hope that you just might find your way up out of here
'Cause you've been hiding for days, wasted and wasting away
But I got a little hope, today you'll face your fears

Yeah, I know it's not easy
I know that it's hard, follow the lights to the city

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
Don't look back, just go, take a breath, move along
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
You could spend your whole life holding on”
His words seeming to bounce off all the walls and they seem to settle in the air as people soak in the meaning. And he can’t help but glue his eyes to Zack as the other boy’s bottom lip wobbles slightly and his eyes turn red from crying.
“Believe the tunnel can end, believe your body can mend
Yeah, I know you can make it through 'cause I believe in you
So let's go put up a fight, let's go make everything alright
Go on and take a shot, go give it all you got

Oh, yeah, I know it's not easy
I know that it's hard, no, it's not always pretty

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
Don't look back, just go, take a breath, move along
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
You could spend your whole life holding on”
With another sweep of the crowd; he watches as a few people have silent tears rolling down their faces. Some have turned to comfort from their friends and he swallows another sob before starting the next verse and he has to mentally prepare himself for this because this is the part that hurts the most; this is the part that brings back the most memories and emotions. The part that makes him feel the most broken.
“Don't wanna wake up to the telephone ring
Are you sitting down? I need to tell you something
Enough is enough, you can stop waiting to breathe
And don't wait up for me”
He just allows his tears to fall now, finally allowing himself to truly feel the pain he feels. And it’s agony but he knows that he can’t stop here; he’s almost done and he’s facing this and he’s beating how he feels just like he’s trying to tell Zack too.
“Get up and go, take a chance and be strong
You could spend your whole life holding on
And don't look back, just go, take a breath, move along
You could spend your whole life holding on

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
But don't look back, just go, take a breath, move along
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
You could spend your whole life holding on

Don't spend your whole life holding on, yeah”
He plays the rest of the song out on his acoustic, strumming away as he watches Zack try and press through the crowd towards the stage; which was proving to be a difficult task due to the fact that many are staring at Martin. As the song draws to a close; he whispers a ‘thank you’ into the microphone before handing his guitar to his music teacher before he jumps off of the stage and then he’s crashing though the masses of people to get to Zack.
In a blur; his arms are wrapped around Zack’s shoulder and he’s tucked his face into the other boy’s neck and he feels Zack do the same.
“Ju-Just give us a go” Martin whispers “Zack, take a chance and be strong!”
Zack makes a choking noise in his ear.
“Please...” he pleads.
Zack nods before pulling back slightly and crushing their lips together; it’s actually a bit disgusting because they’ve both got dried tears on their faces and it makes their kiss a little sticky but that doesn’t make it any less perfect. And when he pulls back; Zack leans his forehead against Martin’s and stares at him with big, watery green eyes.
“Okay” he replies breathlessly “Let’s do this”