Status: Completed.
Don't Forget About Me.
Chapter 4, Part 3
Alex’s POV: Age 15
Things have been shit lately, not for me personally – although that might as well be the case – but for Jack. I hate to see him like he has been these past couple of weeks, imagine the hurt you feel when you see your best friend cry, and then times that by a thousand and then maybe, just maybe you’ll begin to feel what I feel when he comes to my house crying his heart out.
See I’m the lucky one out of the two of us, I don’t have a bad home life, my parents dote on my every move – although that could be because they still feel guilty for ripping me from my home at age 7, but anyway – we sit down for our tea as a family every evening, and I’m told a daily basis that I’m loved.
Jack, however? Yeah, he doesn’t have that. He’s never really had much of a relationship with his Dad, there’s no particular reason for it except the fact Jack’s just never seen him much, his Dad’s always been too busy working “earning them a living” and all that shit. And as for his Mum, she’s just kind of...well...there, she just seems to be someone he lives with, I mean don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely woman and all, but they just don’t appear to have the bond you’d expect a mother and son to have.
We get by though, Me and Jack, Jack and Me, he was the only person that had accepted me when I first moved here from Essex, to everyone else I was that annoying British kid with the weird accent, but not to Jack, to Jack I was that British kid that everyone thought was just as weird as him, and according to his logic that made us instant best friends, and at that time I wasn’t about to argue with the opportunity to have a friend, and even after eight years I’ve not once regretted being so accepting of my younger best friends logic.
If you would have told me eight years ago that the lanky, un-coordinated, hyperactive kid that had bumped into me in the corridor on my first day was going to become the one person I wouldn’t be able to go a day without, I would’ve laughed in your face and told you you were crazy, but even if you had, you couldn’t have been more to the truth, because that’s exactly how we are now, you’ll hardly ever find one of us without the other, and we have this bond that even we don’t fully understand, all we know is it gives us this connection, it makes us feel like brothers. – no, scrap that, more than brothers, hell, I don’t know, I can’t explain it, we’re just majorly close okay?
Anyway, so yeah, he’s been having a tough time lately, so it’s become almost routine these days for him to turn up on my door step at any hour of the day, having yet another break down due to his inconsiderate parents arguing yet again, and I could feel it in my gut that today was going to be another one of those days. So I did what any best friend would, I didn’t wait for the inevitable; I decided to get off of my arse and do something about it.
I looked at my phone and read that the time was 4:00pm, I’d only been home from school an hour or so, but I was already anxious, I couldn’t get the feeling in my gut that told me this was going to be a particularly bad night for Jack to go away, I grabbed my Blink hoodie off the back of my desk chair and pulled on my black converse before making my way down the stairs.
“Alexander,” The sound of my Mothers’ voice stopped me in my tracks, she had called me by my first name, and that warned me that she was either curious, or I’d majorly fucked up and was about to be told off, I wracked my brains as I tried to think of anything I may have done lately to deserve the full name treatment; I’d studied hard, kept my grades up and spread my time between family and friends equally (upon request of my Mother, otherwise Jack would win every time), so that lead me to the conclusion that she must just be curious, so I exhaled the breath I had been holding in and turned on my heal to face her.
“Yeah, Mum?” She was stood in the doorway to the kitchen, arms folded across her chest and an apron around her waist, I could just about make out the scepticism in her eyes.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“I’ve got a bad feeling about Jack, I was just gunna go make sure he was okay...” I shifted my weight from foot to foot, trying to give her the best puppy dog eyes I could muster up – see the thing is, Mum doesn’t often like me going out between the end of school and tea time (unless I’m at Jack’s of course), she has no problem with me having people over, but she’s just always had a thing about me going out between those two times.
“Alex-” I didn’t give her chance to finish her sentence before I was already cutting her off,
“Mum please, just this once, I just have this feeling, and I want to make sure he’s alright before things have a chance to go wrong.” I reinforced my puppy dog eyes by clasping my hands in front of my chest and took a few steps towards her as I literally begged to leave the house.
“I- well- oh alright, but don’t be too long okay? I want you home by six, tea is at seven. Oh, and of course feel free to bring Jack back with you.” I closed the gap between us in a few long strides as I threw my arms around her neck and planted a kiss on her cheek.
“Thanks Mum! I love you!” I called over my shoulder as I walked out of the door and began to make my way along the path that had been forever etched into my brain due to the amount of times I had walked it over the past eight years. I let myself run away with my thoughts as I reminisced all the memories I had shared with my best friend over the years we had known each other, I don’t think I could’ve ended up with a better partner in crime if I had tried to. We were completely compatible, we had similar interests, enjoyed doing the same things and had the same sense of humour – what more could you ask for?
It wasn’t until I noticed the ground below my feet becoming almost spongy that I shook myself from my thoughts and took notice of where I was. “huh” I muttered aloud, turns out I hadn’t exactly ended up where I had intended (which was Jack’s house) and instead found myself stood outside the little room I had discovered just over six years ago now, it was where I would come whenever Jack was ill – only when I knew there was no chance of him calling me and changing his mind about not playing out and instead inviting me over to play Xbox. It had always been my place to escape. As I already said, Jack was my only friend, so whenever he couldn’t come out I used to come here on my own and make up my own little world, it was never as fun as the games I would play with Jack, but it would suffice until I could be in his presence again.
Over the past two years or so it had also become my place to think, I know what you’re thinking, what on earth could a 15 year old need to get away to think about? But you’d be surprised, it was nothing major, nothing like the life changing decisions you adults have to make, but it was little things like school work, or problems at school, or secrets me and Jack had shared that I needed to process but couldn’t tell my Mum about. Like I said, it had been my escape.
So this is where I found myself again, because apparently my subconscious decided I needed to think before seeing Jack. What about, I’m not too sure, but that’s the interpretation I took from my actions, and decided to sit down on the old chair that had been left here not long after I’d found this place, hoping that the thoughts would flow to me naturally.
I sat there for a couple of minutes, feeling a bit like a plonker if I’m honest, just waiting for some sort of thought to hit me, and then before I knew it I found myself thinking about Jack again, not the fact that I was supposed to be on my way to saving him right now, but I’d resorted back to our memories together, all the times he had been there for me throughout the years, all the times we had bandages each other up after a particularly bad case of bullying on the odd occasion, the times we had gone absolutely crazy and run around like our energy was on an endless supply, right back to the (many) times we had sat cuddled up in front of the TV watching Home Alone because I was far too soft when it came to my best friend and his favourite film.
And that’s when it hit me, it was like nothing I’d ever felt before, and my chest was so tight I felt like I’d just run into a tonne of bricks. How had I not noticed it before? It was so blatantly obvious, and if I’m honest, I felt so stupid for not noticing it sooner.
I loved him.
Not the kind of love I thought I felt for him, but I truly, inevitably loved the hyperactive Lebanese boy I call my best friend. Sure I’d gotten butterflies in my stomach before at the thought of seeing him, and I’d instantly smiled at his name flashing up on my phone screen as I received one of thousands of messages from him, but up until this very moment I thought that was what it meant to be just best friends, but not anymore, now I understand
why he had so much control over my happiness.
I loved him.
What do I do now though? Do I tell him? No, that’s silly, it’ll ruin everything...won’t it? I mean, what if he rejects me? What if he’s totally not into guys and I ruin everything? We’ve never really talked about our sexuality, I think we both just assumed that due to the lack of being told otherwise, we each one hundred percent liked girls, but what if that isn’t true? What if he does like guys and I’m completely missing out on my chance because I’m too much of a fucking coward?
I leant my elbows on my knees and covered my face with my hands, taking slow and shaky breaths, trying to calm myself down enough to think rationally about this. It took a few minutes, but when I finally confident that I could think straight I lifted my head and took to resting my chin on my hands instead.
Right.
I like love Jack. That much is certain, so what are my options?
First option, I tell Jack, tell him how I feel and exactly why I feel it. Pray and hope to God that luck is on my side for once and he tells me he reciprocates my feelings and we live happily ever after. (yes, I know, it’s cliché but it’s my potential relationship, so I get to be naive okay?)
Second option, I tell Jack, tell him how I feel and exactly why I feel it. Pray and hope to God that luck is on my side for once and he tells me he likes me nothing more than a best friend, things are awkward for a while, he thinks I’m over him and then I spend the rest of my life being hopelessly in love with my clueless best friend.
Third option, keep my trap shut and still spend the rest of my life being hopelessly in love with my clueless best friend.
Fuck.
The instant I realised not even being alone in this small isolated room could allow me enough thinking space to make a rational decision I knew that I was screwed. How do you even tell someone something like that? Do I just walk up to him and be like “Hi Jack, so we’ve been best friends for years, brothers almost and well yeah I’m in love with you. Like, want to spend the rest of my life with you in love with you. Okay well, yeah bye.” Are you fucking kidding me? How the hell am I supposed to do this?
My eyes started to sting and I could feel the lump in my throat expanding as the sobs collected there, waiting impatiently to be released. I exhaled sharply and pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around them and released my tears as I rested my head on my kneecaps.
I can’t do this.
I can’t tell him.
It’ll ruin everything.
So that’s it.
It’s final.
Done.
I took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down as I unravelled myself from the small ball I had transformed in to. When I was convinced I was composed enough I slowly stood up and brushed down my jeans before leaving the small room and making my way to my original planned destination.
It wasn’t long until I found myself stood at the end of the Barakats’ garden path staring at the front door; I noted that Jacks bedroom light was on, and that more often than not meant that he was hiding.
Deciding a more indirect route to get his attention was probably better than walking up to the front door, I bent down and picked up a hand full of small stones from their gravelled focus point in the middle of their lawn, and began to throw them on by one at his window.
By the time I had completely emptied the supply of stones from my hand I still hadn’t gotten his attention, and I was beginning to lose my patience. Luckily for me I knew the ins and outs of this house, and was about to use that knowledge to my advantage.
I began to walk around the side path of the house and unlatched the side gate allowing me entrance in to the back garden. When I reached the side door I bent down and slightly lifted the loose paving stone underneath my feet, revealing the spare key me and Jack had planted there for my occasional late night secret visits.
After quietly letting myself in I closed the door to and made my way to the staircase, being careful to listen out for the presence of Mr and Mrs Barakat, but at the minute it sounded like they were in the living room which was two rooms away from where I was currently stood, deeming me safe to continue with my rescue mission.
When I reached the third door on the left from the top of the stairs – Jacks room – I pressed my ear to the door and found myself greeted with the all too familiar sound of our favourite Blink album (Enema Of The State). I sighed as pulled down the handle and entered his room, my eyes instantly being drawn to the shaking figure curled up in a ball in the centre of his bed.
My heart sunk and I instantly closed the door, flicked the lock and made it to his bedside in a few short strides before laying myself down on the bed in front of him and pulling his small frame in to my chest as I wrapped my arms around him. He instantly took two handfuls of my hoodie into his grasp and pulled himself further into me whilst we laid in silence and he continued to cry.
“’Lex- I-I- They-” Jack’s inability to form a simple sentence broke my heart. No-one should have to go through what he does, not ever.
“Shh, Jack. It’s okay, I know.” I’d gained enough experience now to know that trying to expand on what he was saying was a lost cause, and besides I had a pretty good idea of what he was trying to say by now. So instead I pulled him impossibly closer and tightened my grip around him as I rubbed small circles into the top of his arm.
We didn’t exchange another word from that point onwards, I felt his grasp on my hoodie tighten as the shaking of his body intensified and he buried his head further into the crook of my neck, but all too soon he had worn himself out to the point of exhaustion, and after an hour or so I took the steadiness of his breathing and the sudden lack of sniffling as a sure sign he was finally free of his pain for a couple of hours as he fell into a deep sleep.
If I hadn’t been sure about my decision before, I most certainly was now.
I can’t lose this. I can’t lose what we have. There are too many chances and what ifs, and not all of them will return in my favour, and that...that’s just not a bet I’m willing to take.
I rested my head on top of his and inhaled his scent before placing a kiss to his hair, as if that sealed my decision.
I took a deep breath and allowed sleep to take me away, with but one thought on my mind.
Today is the day I decided Jack Bassam Barakat will forever be my best friend, my partner in crime, and my brother. Nothing more. Nothing less.
And well, I guess I’m just going to have to be okay with that.
Things have been shit lately, not for me personally – although that might as well be the case – but for Jack. I hate to see him like he has been these past couple of weeks, imagine the hurt you feel when you see your best friend cry, and then times that by a thousand and then maybe, just maybe you’ll begin to feel what I feel when he comes to my house crying his heart out.
See I’m the lucky one out of the two of us, I don’t have a bad home life, my parents dote on my every move – although that could be because they still feel guilty for ripping me from my home at age 7, but anyway – we sit down for our tea as a family every evening, and I’m told a daily basis that I’m loved.
Jack, however? Yeah, he doesn’t have that. He’s never really had much of a relationship with his Dad, there’s no particular reason for it except the fact Jack’s just never seen him much, his Dad’s always been too busy working “earning them a living” and all that shit. And as for his Mum, she’s just kind of...well...there, she just seems to be someone he lives with, I mean don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely woman and all, but they just don’t appear to have the bond you’d expect a mother and son to have.
We get by though, Me and Jack, Jack and Me, he was the only person that had accepted me when I first moved here from Essex, to everyone else I was that annoying British kid with the weird accent, but not to Jack, to Jack I was that British kid that everyone thought was just as weird as him, and according to his logic that made us instant best friends, and at that time I wasn’t about to argue with the opportunity to have a friend, and even after eight years I’ve not once regretted being so accepting of my younger best friends logic.
If you would have told me eight years ago that the lanky, un-coordinated, hyperactive kid that had bumped into me in the corridor on my first day was going to become the one person I wouldn’t be able to go a day without, I would’ve laughed in your face and told you you were crazy, but even if you had, you couldn’t have been more to the truth, because that’s exactly how we are now, you’ll hardly ever find one of us without the other, and we have this bond that even we don’t fully understand, all we know is it gives us this connection, it makes us feel like brothers. – no, scrap that, more than brothers, hell, I don’t know, I can’t explain it, we’re just majorly close okay?
Anyway, so yeah, he’s been having a tough time lately, so it’s become almost routine these days for him to turn up on my door step at any hour of the day, having yet another break down due to his inconsiderate parents arguing yet again, and I could feel it in my gut that today was going to be another one of those days. So I did what any best friend would, I didn’t wait for the inevitable; I decided to get off of my arse and do something about it.
I looked at my phone and read that the time was 4:00pm, I’d only been home from school an hour or so, but I was already anxious, I couldn’t get the feeling in my gut that told me this was going to be a particularly bad night for Jack to go away, I grabbed my Blink hoodie off the back of my desk chair and pulled on my black converse before making my way down the stairs.
“Alexander,” The sound of my Mothers’ voice stopped me in my tracks, she had called me by my first name, and that warned me that she was either curious, or I’d majorly fucked up and was about to be told off, I wracked my brains as I tried to think of anything I may have done lately to deserve the full name treatment; I’d studied hard, kept my grades up and spread my time between family and friends equally (upon request of my Mother, otherwise Jack would win every time), so that lead me to the conclusion that she must just be curious, so I exhaled the breath I had been holding in and turned on my heal to face her.
“Yeah, Mum?” She was stood in the doorway to the kitchen, arms folded across her chest and an apron around her waist, I could just about make out the scepticism in her eyes.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“I’ve got a bad feeling about Jack, I was just gunna go make sure he was okay...” I shifted my weight from foot to foot, trying to give her the best puppy dog eyes I could muster up – see the thing is, Mum doesn’t often like me going out between the end of school and tea time (unless I’m at Jack’s of course), she has no problem with me having people over, but she’s just always had a thing about me going out between those two times.
“Alex-” I didn’t give her chance to finish her sentence before I was already cutting her off,
“Mum please, just this once, I just have this feeling, and I want to make sure he’s alright before things have a chance to go wrong.” I reinforced my puppy dog eyes by clasping my hands in front of my chest and took a few steps towards her as I literally begged to leave the house.
“I- well- oh alright, but don’t be too long okay? I want you home by six, tea is at seven. Oh, and of course feel free to bring Jack back with you.” I closed the gap between us in a few long strides as I threw my arms around her neck and planted a kiss on her cheek.
“Thanks Mum! I love you!” I called over my shoulder as I walked out of the door and began to make my way along the path that had been forever etched into my brain due to the amount of times I had walked it over the past eight years. I let myself run away with my thoughts as I reminisced all the memories I had shared with my best friend over the years we had known each other, I don’t think I could’ve ended up with a better partner in crime if I had tried to. We were completely compatible, we had similar interests, enjoyed doing the same things and had the same sense of humour – what more could you ask for?
It wasn’t until I noticed the ground below my feet becoming almost spongy that I shook myself from my thoughts and took notice of where I was. “huh” I muttered aloud, turns out I hadn’t exactly ended up where I had intended (which was Jack’s house) and instead found myself stood outside the little room I had discovered just over six years ago now, it was where I would come whenever Jack was ill – only when I knew there was no chance of him calling me and changing his mind about not playing out and instead inviting me over to play Xbox. It had always been my place to escape. As I already said, Jack was my only friend, so whenever he couldn’t come out I used to come here on my own and make up my own little world, it was never as fun as the games I would play with Jack, but it would suffice until I could be in his presence again.
Over the past two years or so it had also become my place to think, I know what you’re thinking, what on earth could a 15 year old need to get away to think about? But you’d be surprised, it was nothing major, nothing like the life changing decisions you adults have to make, but it was little things like school work, or problems at school, or secrets me and Jack had shared that I needed to process but couldn’t tell my Mum about. Like I said, it had been my escape.
So this is where I found myself again, because apparently my subconscious decided I needed to think before seeing Jack. What about, I’m not too sure, but that’s the interpretation I took from my actions, and decided to sit down on the old chair that had been left here not long after I’d found this place, hoping that the thoughts would flow to me naturally.
I sat there for a couple of minutes, feeling a bit like a plonker if I’m honest, just waiting for some sort of thought to hit me, and then before I knew it I found myself thinking about Jack again, not the fact that I was supposed to be on my way to saving him right now, but I’d resorted back to our memories together, all the times he had been there for me throughout the years, all the times we had bandages each other up after a particularly bad case of bullying on the odd occasion, the times we had gone absolutely crazy and run around like our energy was on an endless supply, right back to the (many) times we had sat cuddled up in front of the TV watching Home Alone because I was far too soft when it came to my best friend and his favourite film.
And that’s when it hit me, it was like nothing I’d ever felt before, and my chest was so tight I felt like I’d just run into a tonne of bricks. How had I not noticed it before? It was so blatantly obvious, and if I’m honest, I felt so stupid for not noticing it sooner.
I loved him.
Not the kind of love I thought I felt for him, but I truly, inevitably loved the hyperactive Lebanese boy I call my best friend. Sure I’d gotten butterflies in my stomach before at the thought of seeing him, and I’d instantly smiled at his name flashing up on my phone screen as I received one of thousands of messages from him, but up until this very moment I thought that was what it meant to be just best friends, but not anymore, now I understand
why he had so much control over my happiness.
I loved him.
What do I do now though? Do I tell him? No, that’s silly, it’ll ruin everything...won’t it? I mean, what if he rejects me? What if he’s totally not into guys and I ruin everything? We’ve never really talked about our sexuality, I think we both just assumed that due to the lack of being told otherwise, we each one hundred percent liked girls, but what if that isn’t true? What if he does like guys and I’m completely missing out on my chance because I’m too much of a fucking coward?
I leant my elbows on my knees and covered my face with my hands, taking slow and shaky breaths, trying to calm myself down enough to think rationally about this. It took a few minutes, but when I finally confident that I could think straight I lifted my head and took to resting my chin on my hands instead.
Right.
I like love Jack. That much is certain, so what are my options?
First option, I tell Jack, tell him how I feel and exactly why I feel it. Pray and hope to God that luck is on my side for once and he tells me he reciprocates my feelings and we live happily ever after. (yes, I know, it’s cliché but it’s my potential relationship, so I get to be naive okay?)
Second option, I tell Jack, tell him how I feel and exactly why I feel it. Pray and hope to God that luck is on my side for once and he tells me he likes me nothing more than a best friend, things are awkward for a while, he thinks I’m over him and then I spend the rest of my life being hopelessly in love with my clueless best friend.
Third option, keep my trap shut and still spend the rest of my life being hopelessly in love with my clueless best friend.
Fuck.
The instant I realised not even being alone in this small isolated room could allow me enough thinking space to make a rational decision I knew that I was screwed. How do you even tell someone something like that? Do I just walk up to him and be like “Hi Jack, so we’ve been best friends for years, brothers almost and well yeah I’m in love with you. Like, want to spend the rest of my life with you in love with you. Okay well, yeah bye.” Are you fucking kidding me? How the hell am I supposed to do this?
My eyes started to sting and I could feel the lump in my throat expanding as the sobs collected there, waiting impatiently to be released. I exhaled sharply and pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around them and released my tears as I rested my head on my kneecaps.
I can’t do this.
I can’t tell him.
It’ll ruin everything.
So that’s it.
It’s final.
Done.
I took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down as I unravelled myself from the small ball I had transformed in to. When I was convinced I was composed enough I slowly stood up and brushed down my jeans before leaving the small room and making my way to my original planned destination.
It wasn’t long until I found myself stood at the end of the Barakats’ garden path staring at the front door; I noted that Jacks bedroom light was on, and that more often than not meant that he was hiding.
Deciding a more indirect route to get his attention was probably better than walking up to the front door, I bent down and picked up a hand full of small stones from their gravelled focus point in the middle of their lawn, and began to throw them on by one at his window.
By the time I had completely emptied the supply of stones from my hand I still hadn’t gotten his attention, and I was beginning to lose my patience. Luckily for me I knew the ins and outs of this house, and was about to use that knowledge to my advantage.
I began to walk around the side path of the house and unlatched the side gate allowing me entrance in to the back garden. When I reached the side door I bent down and slightly lifted the loose paving stone underneath my feet, revealing the spare key me and Jack had planted there for my occasional late night secret visits.
After quietly letting myself in I closed the door to and made my way to the staircase, being careful to listen out for the presence of Mr and Mrs Barakat, but at the minute it sounded like they were in the living room which was two rooms away from where I was currently stood, deeming me safe to continue with my rescue mission.
When I reached the third door on the left from the top of the stairs – Jacks room – I pressed my ear to the door and found myself greeted with the all too familiar sound of our favourite Blink album (Enema Of The State). I sighed as pulled down the handle and entered his room, my eyes instantly being drawn to the shaking figure curled up in a ball in the centre of his bed.
My heart sunk and I instantly closed the door, flicked the lock and made it to his bedside in a few short strides before laying myself down on the bed in front of him and pulling his small frame in to my chest as I wrapped my arms around him. He instantly took two handfuls of my hoodie into his grasp and pulled himself further into me whilst we laid in silence and he continued to cry.
“’Lex- I-I- They-” Jack’s inability to form a simple sentence broke my heart. No-one should have to go through what he does, not ever.
“Shh, Jack. It’s okay, I know.” I’d gained enough experience now to know that trying to expand on what he was saying was a lost cause, and besides I had a pretty good idea of what he was trying to say by now. So instead I pulled him impossibly closer and tightened my grip around him as I rubbed small circles into the top of his arm.
We didn’t exchange another word from that point onwards, I felt his grasp on my hoodie tighten as the shaking of his body intensified and he buried his head further into the crook of my neck, but all too soon he had worn himself out to the point of exhaustion, and after an hour or so I took the steadiness of his breathing and the sudden lack of sniffling as a sure sign he was finally free of his pain for a couple of hours as he fell into a deep sleep.
If I hadn’t been sure about my decision before, I most certainly was now.
I can’t lose this. I can’t lose what we have. There are too many chances and what ifs, and not all of them will return in my favour, and that...that’s just not a bet I’m willing to take.
I rested my head on top of his and inhaled his scent before placing a kiss to his hair, as if that sealed my decision.
I took a deep breath and allowed sleep to take me away, with but one thought on my mind.
Today is the day I decided Jack Bassam Barakat will forever be my best friend, my partner in crime, and my brother. Nothing more. Nothing less.
And well, I guess I’m just going to have to be okay with that.
♠ ♠ ♠
Update 2/3Becky xo