He'll Always Be In My Heart

I stepped into Brendon's room expecting for him to be in his pajamas like he always is in with his mussed up hair and the crooked smirk he always has dashed upon his lips when he sees me. But instead of that, my feet were surrounded by various clothing items scattered throughout the once visible oak wooden floor.

Brendon's tiny body was stuffed in the closet, his face hidden in the humungous coats he never wears and his arms rapidly throwing out clothes.

"Brendon?" I called out to him, stepping over some of his shirts that laid randomly on the floor.

"Huh?" He looked up and hit his head accidentaly on the closet door. He cursed quietly to himself, rubbing the hurt spot. I giggled and sat on the edge of his bed which was also covered in clothes and random papers.

"What's with the..." I carefully picked up a wad of yellow construction paper that was stuck to my shoe and continued. "mess?"

"Oh, um." Brendon sputtered. He stood staring at me cluelessy for a second and turned around, continuing to throw around clothes from his closet.

"Brendon Urie," I said sternly with narrowed eyes.

He sighed heavily and turned back around to face me. Now that I finally am able to look straight at him, he was skinnier than he usually was, his hair was straightened so much it looked burned and dead and he had huge dark bags under his once gorgeous brown eyes.

"You're stepping on my duffel bag," He said quickly, reaching out for it. He pulled on the duffel bag that was under my foot but I stepped down on it harder.

"Where are you going?"

Brendon gave up and sat on the floor, defeated miserabley. I crossed my arms with my eyes beaming onto his face. Tonight seemed to be a special night because the moon's beautiful pale ray of light hit through Brendon's window so perfectly at an angle that only the two of us were lit as everything else surrounding us was nothing but a dark, still sillhouette. In the corner of my eye, I could make out light snowflakes sprinking from the dark blue sky.
We sat in silence with me anticipating for his answer. Brendon wouldn't look up as he twiddled his thumb trying awfully badly to rush the time by.
I couldn't take it anymore and nudged Brendon by the shoulder lightly making him meet my eyes once again.

"Okay," He sighed. "I'm going on tour."

"What? This was your news? Why did you have to be all sad about it? Well, come on, let's pack things up and we'll head for my place next." I laughed, grabbing at his hands and pulled him up. He stood stiffly, a whole head taller than I me. I was confused at his stature. Shouldn't he be....happy?

"Brendon..." I whispered, touching his frail jawline slightly. I wanted him to smile, laugh, anything to show me he's still alive but all he did was glare down at me with such sadness that I wanted to just burst into tears and stray faraway from him as possible.

"Emily," He hissed, pulling away from my touch as if I was a killer animal. "I'm not bringing you with me." The way he chose his words and how he said it peirced my heart so badly I cringed.

"B-but," I stuttered, inching towards to where he stood. "you are coming back to me...right?"
He sighed heavily, bringing his hands to his temples and rubbing them in annoyance.

"No, I'm not. Emily, I love you, I really do but...this has just gone far enough."
I stood, appauled and shocked to such a far length. We've been dating for at least three years and he chooses now to end it? And like this?

"Brendon-"

"Emily," He snapped, bringing his face close to mine. "I'm sorry..."

"You're not coming back?" I finally said with my voice and chin quivering.

"I don't know." He muttered as he lifted the duffel bag off the floor and slinging it on across his shoulder.

"That's it? You're just...ending it?"

"What's this then?" He questioned me arrogantly.

"I love you." I mumbled to myself as I picked up a random shirt of his and clutching it in my hand. I could feel tears swelling up and I let them out. One by one, they slowly fell out from the corner of my eye. Brendon looked as if he was crying too but he hid it. That's what he was good at. Hiding his sensitivity and acting like he can make a life-threatning decision with a poker face. It took me only two months to learn that out. But in three years, we knew every single inch of each other. It took so long to get to know Brendon and I'm still learning. Just comes to show commitments are never forever and how much they'll hurt.

"Come here," Brendon whispered as he pulled me into a hug. I dropped the shirt immediately and wrapped my arms around his waist. Brendon sniffled lightly as he dug his face into my hair, smelling the scent and keeping it forever in his heart. I didn't want to let him go. Not just yet. Not ever.
We pulled away from each other reluctantly with tears twinkling in our eyes. We laughed in unison at how ridiculous we looked. Brendon had that smirk that I've always loved along with the adorable way he musses up his hair without even knowing it.
I have no clue what his reason is for leaving me but, godamnit, I'll try my fucking ass off to convince him to stay.

"Please stay. I can't live without you." I begged him with pleading eyes.

"I can't. That's the problem. You have to learn to live without me. I'm not always going to be here, sweetie." He brushed strands of hair away from my face and his eyes bored into mine dreamingly. "But I always will be in your heart. If you keep me there."
I chuckled lightly, stood on my tiptoes and kissed him softly on his lips. He held my face with both his hands and kissed me back.

"I'll always have you in my heart." I muttered into the kiss.

We parted but our hands stayed linked. I blinked away the last of the tears and watched Brendon do the same.

"Hot damn, baby." He breathed.

I laughed loudly and hugged him once more. "I'm gonna miss you..."

"It's not going to be forever. The pain will go away. It'll stop hurting...for the both of us." He whispered as he stroked my hair. He placed his hands on both my shoulders and made me sit down on his bed. Brendon flashed a quick smile at me before picking back up his duffel bag overstuffed with clothes and headed for the window.

"You're going through that?" I hiccuped, feeling the tears coming back again. Watching him leave is just too much to handle. But I fear if I don't see him long enough, I'll forget how he looks faster.

"Yeah." He answered. I looked down at my folded hands in my lap sadly.

"Shit!" He cursed harshly. "I forgot. I made you a song."

"For me?" I looked up with hope in my eyes.

"Listen," Brendon rushed to my side and plopped down onto the bed. "It's not done yet so I'm going to sing you the parts I made so far."
I watched intently as he picked up his acoustic guitar under his bed and started tuning it quickly. I placed my hand over his. "Don't rush," I told him. He nodded once and went slower.

"Back to the streets where we began
Feeling as good as lovers can .. you know
Well, now were feeling so good

Picking up things we shouldnt read
It looks like the end of history as we know
Its just the end of the world

Back to the street where we began
Feeling as good as love .. you could .. you can."

When he was finished, I sat with wide eyes once again at his brilliant voice and lyrics. He chuckled seeing my expression and tucked the guitar under my arm.
"Something to remember me by." He said.

"Trust me, I've got more souvenirs." I said indicating to the masses of clothing and who knows what else behind me.

"I guess this is goodbye," Brendon said.

"I guess this is goodbye," I echoed.

I watched him climb out the window carefully and curse under his breath of the cold. The last I saw of him was that he was running down the street covered in snow. I could have watched him even more but I chose to stay put on the bed. There was nothing more I could see. There was nothing more I could do to make him stay. He chose his path and it didn't include me. But he'll always be in my heart.