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Jayce

My palms were sweaty and slightly shaking. I kept wiping them on my jeans, partially to dry them but also to calm myself a bit. My heart just couldn't stop racing. I had convinced myself that it was time to see everyone from The Maine again yesterday, after missing Nick's birthday party. I had to own up to what I'd done instead of running.

However, I wasn't exactly sure how to go about addressing them. Walking onto their bus seemed a bit too intrusive. I had settled on walking around the venue grounds before the show started. I wasn't stalling or hiding in a room I knew they wouldn't go into. I just simply walked around, waiting for them to walk the same way.

The waiting is what was killing me though. My pulse felt rushed to be beating so fast and it was nearly giving me a panic attack. I took a deep inhale of air and tried for the countless time to settle my nerves.

After an hour of walking around though I was starting to lose faith in my plan. I still hadn't even seen the back of one of the boys and I was just wasting time that I could be spending with Nick. I figured I'd get a water from one of the back rooms and then head back to the bus for now, defeated.

I slipped into one of the rooms that I'd seen earlier that had an assortment of drinks in coolers. My body froze though as I recognized the tall boy leaning over it. All my nervousness came rushing back full force and my stomach turned sour.

I couldn't even say anything. I just waited until he turned around. He had a can of soda in one hand and a muffin in the other that he was nibbling from. He froze once he saw me too. Then he smiled a little. "Jayce?" He said my name like he didn't believe it was me; almost like I wished it wasn't me.

"Hey Kennedy." I waved awkwardly. He was smiling ever so slightly, which had to be a good thing?

"What are you doing here?" His eyebrows furrowed as his smile disappeared. "I thought you were working now and trying to get into school?"

"Well, I was." I stepped a little away from the doorway. "But it's Nick's birthday so w-," I stopped myself. There was no need to bring Nat into this until she wanted to be. "I came out to surprise him."

"Must have been a nice surprise." He nodded and smiled a little again.

"Yeah," I bit my lip. "How'd you know about my job though?"

He snorted. "You really thought you could just disappear into thin air?" He shook his head. "I got the news from Gemma, and I think she got it from your mom? Maybe. I don't know exactly."

My heart ached. "How's Gemma?"

"Why don't you call her and ask?"

I crossed my arms and shrugged. "I figured the phone wouldn't be picked up if I did?"

"You really think that's how it would be?" His eyebrows furrowed again, like I was making the most ridiculous remarks ever.

"After what I did, yes."

He sighed. "Look, Jayce,"

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. That's why I came off the bus looking for you guys. I know what I did was wrong and I am truly sorry for it." I rushed the words out without taking a breath. If I could just make peace, then I could go home.

"We all know what you did was wrong on a moral standard." My stomach dropped. I beat myself up over and over about what happened. I wasn't sure I could handle someone else saying all those words out loud though. "But no one is holding it against you."

My chest tightened. "What do you mean?"

"I understand, Jayce. That's what I mean. And everyone else sort of understands too." He glanced around. "Why don't we sit down?" His eyes moved toward a few fold up chairs. He moved without an answer. He was still holding his muffin but he put the soda back in its cooler.

I was surprised he even cared to sit down with me and explain. It gave me hope though. If the boys understood, even somewhat, then maybe John ... I stopped the thoughts there. I didn't deserve John's forgiveness even if he did fell like forgiving me.

"I'm sure everyone agrees that what happened was shitty. And at first, yeah, we were all upset and angry about it. But, at the same time we get it."

"Get what?"

Kennedy gave me a look that told me to stop playing dumb. "Get why you did it, Jayce." He ran a hand through his hair. "I've been in love with Gemma for so long now."

As if I wasn't have a hard enough time keeping up with him, now I was just lost.

"I've watched her with other guys countless times on top of that." I frowned a little at the sad tone in his voice. "Mostly I just wanted to punch the lot of them. But I used to also envision myself with Gemma. I mean, she was everything I wanted and I knew other girls couldn't really compare to her." He licked his lips and locked his eyes with mine. "Point is, I would have done the same thing, for her. I would have in a heartbeat, if she'd let me."

I sighed. "So you're saying Gemma's a better person than me?"

He rolled his eyes. "I'm saying people do things, sometimes crazy, or sometimes awful things when they love someone. And I know what it feels like to want to do the awful things to be with someone you love."

I dropped my eyes from him and swallowed. "It was hard," I muttered to my shoes. I didn't talk about what happened with anyone anymore. I did my best to put it in the past and forget it.

"I know. And I think the guys know too. That's why we've all just been waiting for you to come back around."

I started to chew my bottom lip to keep my words from tumbling out. The words I've wondered too often.

"I've got to get back now. But I hope to see you again, soon even, Jayce." Kennedy stood up, hesitating before moving. "Nobody's mad at you for what happened; not even John." He then left.

It didn't seem plausible to me. I didn't think I could believe him. I inhaled deeply to calm the anxiety that was starting to ping around my insides. I then got up and I leave too, heading back to my safe haven on the bus.