You're My Favorite Song

I shot up in bed. Sweat and tears dripping from my face. My heart beat was out of control. My breathing shallow. Desperate. My room spinning in four different directions. I was having another anxiety attack. I tried to stay calm, taking deep breathes as often as I could. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. The dizziness had faded but my heart was still out of control. After splashing water on my face I opened the medicine cabinet, inside were my anxiety pills I was suppose to take everyday. After taking two I went back in my room to lie down, allowing the pills to kick in.

I hated having anxiety attacks. I use to get them three or four times a week until the doctors prescribed me medication. I took it for the first year until they affected my entire life. Anti-anxiety medication is like anti-depressants. They make you feel isolated, numb, like you aren't even human. My anxiety got better but everything else worsened, freshman year was the worse. When I started to relax the attacks stopped for the most part, I only took the medication when I needed it. Unfortunately that led to this situation. Waking up at two in the morning feeling like you're dying.

***

"Hazel Lyric you need to wake up. Its time for school," I heard my mom whisper.

I groaned and rolled over, opening my eyes but being blinded by the light. My head felt like it weighed hundred pounds. I felt like I had a massive hangover.

"Hazel, Ry said that you left your medicine out on the bathroom counter. Are you okay?" She was now sitting on the bed rubbing my back.

"Yeah I'm fine." I managed to gather my strength and get up to get ready.

"Alright, well maybe you should take one this morning just in case. If you don't feel good just call and I'll come get you." She kissed my forehead and left me to get changed.

After getting ready and writing on my hand, today's motto: Just Breathe, I took my mom's advice and took another pill. I already felt like a zombie, what would one more do.

First period music theory. Music theory is more for people who want to study and major in music. I took it because its music and it filled my schedule with something semi interesting. After explaining to my teacher why I wasn't there yesterday I began working on my assignment. Twenty minutes in my phone went off, it was a message from dad.

Hey Hazel. Mom told me you weren't feeling good. I hope you feel better missy. I've got good news to tell you. Call me when you can. Love You.

The rest of the day continued on normally until I got called into the office during fourth period. I figured I was going to get another lecture from my counselor, but when I opened the door I saw my mom.

"What's going on?" I asked, immediately thinking the worst.

"Nothing baby girl, don't worry."

She signed me out and then walked me to the car, still not telling me what was going on. We began driving in the direction of home.

"Mom where are we going? Why'd you take me out? Is everyone okay?" I could feel by breathing getting shallower and shallower.

"Hazel Lyric calm down and breathe." My mom knew I was panicking. "I just think you needed a break today."

"Mom graduation is in two months. If I start missing now I'll never graduate!" Here I go again freaking out. I knew my counselor was going to flip a bitch about this and I didn't want to have to deal with it.

"Relax. You'll be fine."

Once we got home I went to my room. My mom informed me that she wanted to me relax while she went out. I stayed in my bed playing my guitar. When I was home alone it didn't matter how loud I sung or played, I guess it didn't matter if my family was here either. I liked being left alone to play, that's when I could get really emotionally involved in whatever song I was playing.

My parents always said I had the potential, and I knew I did. Singing and playing was my passion, but sometimes passion isn't enough. To have a passion is one thing but to make it into something takes confidence and courage, something I clearly lacked. Every once in a while I like to imagine that it's me on the stage. That my dad is running the show for me. That my family is out in the crowd cheering for me. That I changed the way people looked at life, just like musicians have done to me.

I was deep into my fantasy world; when my phone decided to knock me out of my trance and back into the so called reality I live in. It was Jake. Jake was calling me?

"Hello?"

"Hey Hazel."

He sounded so cheerful. This is one very odd boy. "Um hi. Um why are you calling?"

"Oh sorry I didn't know I wasn't allowed to call you." He chuckled. "Just kidding. I was wondering if we could hang out, maybe later today?"

I looked at the clock which read twelve twenty. Doesn't he know I should be in school? "Um I'm not sure I'm suppose to stay home. I can, uh, call my mom and see. I'll call you back." I hung up the phone.

Why would Jake want to hang out with me? Why would he be calling me now? Something was wrong with this situation but I didn't really care. For the first time in my life I felt like someone, other than my family, actually wanted my presence. Plus, I did want to get to know him better after what happened the other day.

I dialed my mom's number. "Hey momma."

"Hey Hazel. Are you okay?"

"Yeah mom I'm fine. Actually Jake, the guy that's in the band we saw and who works at hot topic, called me and wants to hang out. I told him I had to ask you."

My mother was laughing on the other end of the phone. Why was she laughing? "Go ahead Hazel. Be back my dinner though missy."

I called back Jake and told him that I could go. He asked me if I could meet him at this coffee shop. Damn me not having a car. I then awkwardly told him that he would have to pick me up, surprisingly he didn't find it awkward. I was already dressed so I just stayed playing my guitar until I heard the doorbell ring. I wasn't nervous at all until my brain decided to remind me that I am a socially awkward person who has never been out with anyone, let alone a guy. Let the anxiety begin.

His car was an older pick up truck. When I got inside the interior was plastered with CDs and pieces of papers with random words written on them. The radio was blasting the sounds of old Blink 182. If I was a boy this would be my exact car, or if I had a car at all.

"Nice shirt," Jake said before pulling out of my driveway.

I looked down to see what shirt I was wearing. Turns out I had a Blink 182 shirt on from one of the concerts I had been to with my dad. Oh the irony. "Thanks."

"I can tell, its from their 2002 tour with Green Day right?"

"Yeah it is. My dad took me to it." I smiled remembering the memories. I mean who takes a seven year old to that concert. Oh that's right, the parents who's life revolved around that. My dad actually worked on part of that tour, I watched over 14 shows while my parents were on their honeymoon.

"Damn. How old were you?"

"Like seven. My parents have always put me in the music scene, its a long story." I actually spoke a complete sentence to him. What was wrong with me? This is what normal people must live like.

We pulled into a spot at this little coffee shop. After ordering something to drink we took a seat and just talked.

"So, I figured neither of us really know each other this would help."

"I have one question," I admitted. I was never taught how to act in social situations so this should be interesting. "Why exactly do you want to know me?" Watch me ruin this all in a matter of five seconds. Why am I such an idiot?

"You seem like a cool girl, this is to see if you're not," He laughed, signifying it was joke. I let out the breath I was holding in. "So anyways, how old are you Miss Hazel?"

I took a sip of my drink and set it back down. "I'm 17, and you?"

"19."

I started choking on my drink. "You're 19?" Oh that's it I'm so dead. My mom was going to murder me, and then so would my dads. How do I get put into these situations?

"Yeah, I turned 19 last month. Are you still in school?"

I nodded. "Two more months of hell, unfortunately."

"And after school, college?"

"No!" He laughed. "Sorry, college isn't my thing. I'm hoping to work with my dad. What about you Mr. 19 year old?"

"Well I work at Hot Topic and I'm the guitarist in The Monster Inside. We are trying to get known so we can tour the world." I could tell he was embarrassed of this statement cause he put his head down.

"That's cool! I want to work on tours." This was the first time I had admitted that to anyone outside of my family. Not even Stephanie knew my plans.

"Really? LIke as an artist?"

"My parents wish. No I want to work behind the scenes, you know start at the bottom and work the way up to tour manager. Kinda like my dad did."

"Your dad is a tour manager? Holy shit that's amazing!"

Well know I have to explain, dammit. "Yeah my dad and my mom left school and worked on tours for awhile. My dad use to be in a band and my mom was their merch girl. Later on my dad realized he liked helping my mom more than being on stage so that's how that happened. But things happened and my mom gave up to raise me and my dad continued on. He works on a lot of tours now. My mom met my other dad, who's a studio tech out here in LA."

"You have two dads?"

"Well biological and step but their both my dads. My mom never got out of the music interested guy."

"Holy shit that's amazing! Is your mom still involved in the industry?"

"Not really. Other than pushing me to sing," I admitted.

"You sing? Impressive." He said smirking.

Fuck my blabbering mouth! "Uh a little, sometimes, only when no one is around. Anyways what about your family? What do your parents do?"

"Oh well my mom's a nurse at the hospital. She works nights so I don't see her much. My dad, well I haven't seen him since I was four."

"Oh I'm sorry." Growing up without a dad is something I could never imagine. My dad was my best friend. For a guy to grow up without a male figure around must have sucked.

"Its alright. It gave me the drive to pursue my dreams and make my mom proud. Well enough of this serious shit. Let's get back on track."

We stayed in the coffee shop for hours. Talking about music, and stupid shit. He liked almost everyone I did, it was crazy. I had never met someone who had so much of a music taste in common. After I felt like I've known Jake my whole life. Opening up to someone wasn't an easy thing to do but for once I felt completely comfortable in my own skin around someone I wasn't related to.

At five thirty I decided it was time for me to head home. Jake and I got back into the car and headed back to my house. The way there none of us talked, instead we let the sounds of Simple Plan fill the car. I was happy, it was so blissful. We pulled into the driveway behind my mom's car and he cut the engine.

"I had fun today," he said.

"Me too! You're the first person I've ever met in this town who actually likes the same stuff I do," I remarked.

Jake laughed. "Maybe you've just been hanging out with the wrong people. You should come hang out with me and the rest of the band this weekend."

"I'd love to," I beamed.

"Alright I'll talk to you later."

I nodded and got out of the car. I opened the door to my house but before going in I waved off Jake. Once inside I headed into the kitchen to see my mom.

"Hey momma."

She was facing the stove attempting to cook something. "Hey baby. Did you have fun?"

"Yeah. I actually did." She turned around to face me. She had a smirk on her face and was shaking her head. "What?"

"Nothing. Food will be ready at six. Why don't you go up and get comfortable."

I headed upstairs and into my room. For the first time in so long I felt happy. I know it sounds stupid and cliche but Jake is the first person that I have actually connected with. We have so much in common. As I changed into my pajamas and washed up I dwelt on the days events. I wish so much I didn't have to go to school ever again after today. Looking at my calendar I counted the days to graduation, a little less than two months. I can do this.