Holding Onto What I'm Feeling

“Where were you?” my boyfriend, Jeph Howard, was standing by the door of our small apartment, glaring at me. I knew he had been drinking. Once in a while he would drink and then this would start.

“I was at work,” I said. “I told you I was going to be working late.”

He looked at me. I knew what was going to happen. It happened all the time. He’d accuse me of cheating, we’d both get mad, we’d fight, I would cry and lock myself in our room and he’d pass out on the couch and apologize to me the next morning.

“I’m sure you were,” he said. “You’re such a slut. Probably fucking the boss to get a fast promotion.”

I ignored his comment and took off my coat and placed it in the closet near the entrance. I walked into the living room and I heard Jeph follow.

“Hey,” said Jeph. I ignored him. “Hey!”

He grabbed my wrist and spun me around so I was facing him. He looked me in the eyes.

“Tell me, was it good?” he asked. I pulled my wrist out of his hand.

“Was what good?” I asked.

“You’re such a dumb whore,” he said, glaring at me yet again. “You know what.”

“No, Jeph,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and feigning interest. “Please, do tell.”

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll say it clearly so you can understand. Was your boss a good fuck?”

“I wouldn’t know,” I said. Jeph snorted. I sighed. “I don’t even know why I bother with you anymore if you’re going to do this every time you get drunk.”

“Then why don’t you leave me?” he asked.

“Because I love you,” I said.

“I bet you do,” he said. “You know, you’re a great actress. You had me fooled for a while. But I know what you really are. A two-timing slut.”

I shook my head feeling the tears coming. I was weak when it came to verbal abuse. I turned away from Jeph.

“I’m not doing this,” I muttered, heading to the bedroom.

“Hey,” said Jeph. “I’m not done with you.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Well I am.”

I slipped into the bedroom and closed the door behind me and locked it. I leaned against the closed door and let the tears come. I couldn’t do this anymore. I walked to the small closet in the bedroom and pulled out my suitcase and began throwing some of my clothes into it, along with my most important possessions.

About an hour later I opened the bedroom door open about an inch and peeked out into the living room. As usual, Jeph was passed out on the couch.

I grabbed my suitcase off of the bed and left the bedroom. Before I left the apartment, I stopped by the couch and looked at Jeph. My tears returned, streaking down my face again. I love Jeph. But enough was enough. I leaned down and kissed him softly. I wiped the tears off my face, but it was pointless because my face easily became wet again. I picked up my suitcase and left. I didn’t know where I was going to go. But I was going to get far away from here. I was leaving friends and family too, but I’d be back someday. When? I don’t know. All I knew is that I would be back. No matter what.