Can't Believe That I Survived

'Now Ronnie, I want you to express your feelings,' Doctor Stevens, my counsellor, instructs. 'If you're angry or sad or hurt, just show it.'
I chew my chapped bottom lip, thinking. How the fuck do you feel?
'I..I'm not sure...' I confess, twiddling my thumbs that lay on my lap.  'I guess I feel... angry with myself, for not listening...' 
'Good, good. Keep going, you're doing great.'
'...Like, if I had just listened to myself or to my friends, I wouldn't be here right now...'
'Mmhm.'  Doctor Stevens records my words into a document as I speak.
'... It really frustrates me. I'm disappointed in myself. I want the ignorant, irresponsible part of me to just disappear. I don't want to make a huge mistake again.'
'Are you afraid of making more bad choices?'
I purse my lips and scrunch my eyebrows together, trying to comprehend the myriad of feelings that are welling up inside of me.

'A little... But I'm slowly understanding myself, to an extent. I'm trying to tell myself that I am my own boss, and I don't have to make bad decisions if I know what's best for me. I just have to realize the consequences.' I explain. I'm telling myself what I've wanted to say for a long time.
'I'm also... I don't know if happy is the right word... But I'm very appreciative of the mail I've been receiving these past months. Amazed. I don't know why they've stuck by me for as long as they have,' I ponder, referring to my fans. 'Obviously I'm no role model.'

I smile suddenly without intention, recalling yesterday when the trademark bright red envelope arrived at my door (along with the masses of other mail)...

Dear Ronald,

Please, just call me An. It annoys me how letters have to be so formal. Just skip all the fancy bullshit and get on with it, right? But until I get your permission, I'll continue to address you as Ronald :p

Thank you for writing back, you don't know how much that ment to me. Honestly. You probably don't write back to many of your fans, so I felt pretty special. 
It was almost a month  before I received your letter, and I had just about given up on the whole 'Yeah, Ronnie Radke wrote to me. Jealous?' speech I had planned out to make to my friends. My roommate-and best friend-just said to me one day, 'He doesn't give a fuck, move on.'

How's counseling? I really hope you get through your addiction. It sounds tough, but I know you can do it. I think it's amazing that you're moving on; starting a new band, getting clean and overall becoming a better person. That makes me even more proud of you.
But please don't scold yourself, you did nothing wrong. Sure, you've made a few mistakes, but everybody has. Try not to beat yourself up about it.

I know I'm just a fan who wants to get to know the amazing Mr. Ronnie FUCKIN' Radke, but I really do. I would be so happy if you visited the café sometime. I'll reserve a table for you two years in advance. How's that? 

From,
An x

P.S
Yeah, I would feel slightly intimidated. I'm so fucking sorry this happened to you.
I'm also sorry for my limited vocabulary - you must be sick of the word 'Amazing'- but it's true, you really are amazing.

My smile fades as quickly as it appeared. 'I shouldn't beat myself up,' I blurt abruptly, curling my fingers into my palms and squeezing a few times, like an imaginary stress-ball, as a warning to myself.
'Just let out everything that's on your mind.' Doctor Stevens tells me.
I take a deep breath, and nod once.
'Her name is Anna; she was the first fan to send me anything. She had a relatable childhood to me, and she told me that she got through it all because of a few words I said. As much as I was honored, it was really frightening for me, as she made me realize that young kids actually look up to a stu- a drug addict,' I stop myself and squeeze my hands again. 'who sings in some band. It scared me, knowing that I was influencing these kids... Even though I've never met her, I think she's a really beautiful person.' 
My body relaxes and I feel satisfaction wash over me. I breathe out slowly after turning my mouth into a tight ring. That felt good. I'm proud of you, Radke.

I proclaim more of my thoughts and feelings towards my withdrawal, my family and my (old) friends, as time slowly ticks by.

'Good, good. Well, that's all the time we have today, Ronnie,' Doctor Stevens rises from his seat after scribbling a few last notes into the document. I get up and stand in front of him, shaking his hand. 'You are progressing very well. I'll see you next week.' I nod, murmuring a thank you.
I then leave the quiet room, having already written half the reply to Anna in my head. 
Just let everything out.