Correcting Autumn
Who Is Autumn?
“This session is going to be little different, Autumn. Are you okay with that?”
“I guess so.” As long as I don’t have to go through another “Autumn Show”, I’ll be happy; as happy as I can be anyway.
“I want to get to know you. Not your past or your family, just you. I want to know who Autumn is.”
“I’ll go along with your little game, Dr. Saunders, but I come with conditions. I will agree to answer any questions you have, but in return, you have to answer my questions.”
“That sounds fair. You’ve got a deal.” Does this woman ever stop smiling? “Let’s start with an easy one. What’s your favorite color and why?”
I’m not sure what she’s trying to do. I know this is some sort of reverse psychology experiment she’s trying to work on, but why? What is she going to learn about me from this?
“Since I was 7 years old, my favorite color has always been white. People always argue with me that it’s not a color, which is true, technically, but I’m an artist, and to me, it’s a neutral color.”
“Why is that your favorite color?”
“I like things that are simple. I like things to be neat and organized and to me, that’s what it is. It’s clean, and when I see objects or fabrics that are white, they’re perfect. It gives me hope that perfection still exists.”
“I find that to be very clever reasoning.”
“Now it’s my turn to ask a question. Why are you always smiling?”
“Well, Autumn, I smile because I enjoy your company.”
“That’s not what I mean. I should have asked how you can still smile.”
“You’ve already asked your question, Autumn. Now we can move on.” This is the first time I’m noticing it. She always smiles, but it’s always been with her mouth, not her eyes. I’ve seen eyes like that before. I see them every time I look in the mirror. “What’s your favorite animal?” She asks, acting as if everything was normal again.
“I love all animals, but my favorite would have to be the snow leopard.”
“Why is that?”
“Mostly because I love cats and they are like huge cuddly kittens, but I’m guessing the answer you’re looking for is more in depth than that. I like them because they are loners. They live, hunt, and feed alone most of the time. I once read that they prefer to be alone because that’s when they do their best thinking and problem solving. It also has to do with abandonment issues. When they get to a certain age, the mother forces the cubs to leave and fend for themselves. It’s almost like they’re human. If I was an animal, I think I’d be a snow leopard. They only trust themselves.”
“That is the most accurate and truthful answer I’ve ever been given when asking that question.”
“I like complicated things.”
“I thought you liked simple things.”
“I like both, but never in between.” I can’t help but laugh with her. “What happened to her?”
“Who?” She knows who. She’s trying to avoid my question.
“Your daughter.”
“Today was supposed to be about learning more about each other, Autumn, nothing too serious. Ask another question, please.”
“All right, I apologize, it’s too soon for that, I get it. What kind of music do you like?”
“Oh, well that’s easy. My favorite is country. I like music that tells a story, but you can still understand what they’re saying.” I know the feeling. “What about you, Autumn? What’s your favorite song?”
“It’s hard to say. I love music, but if I had to choose just one, I think I’d go with A Few Small Bruises by Maria Mena.”
“I don’t think I’ve heard that one.”
“It’s worth listening to.”
“Give me a few of your favorite lines.”
“…well except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars, I’m fine…thank you for asking…I know they think I’m crazy, but everything I am is everything I was taught to be…and as you read my words out loud, make me sound genius, make me sound special, and maybe I’ll come down…”
She’s still writing in that stupid pad. I wonder what she writes on that thing. “Dr. Saunders, what are you writing? I thought this was just a game.”
“Autumn, you can learn a lot about a person by learning their likes and dislikes.”
“What did you learn about me?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“I do.”
She studies her notes and looks up. “Well, your favorite color is white, which tells me you have a desire for perfection and impossible ideas. It also tells me that you want your childhood back. You want to obtain your lost youth. You have a yearning for a simple life.” I knew she was planning something. “Your favorite animal is a snow leopard. You gave me the reasoning for that one. You said yourself; you only trust yourself and have abandonment issues. You do not trust easily, because you think everyone is going to leave you…”
“That’s what they do.”
“Your song choice, tells me that you want, or need rather, someone that you can trust. Someone that is willing to be there, no matter what. It tells me that you blame everyone else for a problem that you started.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is, Autumn.”
“No. I don’t blame them for a problem I started. I know I’m the one at fault for harming myself, but I also know that they’re the ones that pushed me there, by wanting me to be perfect. They ‘taught’ me to be who I am, because I was who I was because that’s who they wanted me to be. I was afraid of being myself because I knew I wouldn’t be accepted in my family.”
“You are a very intelligent young lady, Autumn. I’m assuming you already knew everything I just told you, didn’t you.”
“I had an idea.”
“Now it’s your turn. What did you learn about me?”
“I learned that you’re not as hopeless as I once thought you to be.” I guess this therapy thing isn’t going to be so bad after all. Maybe she does know what she’s doing. For the first time, I wish this session could have been longer. I’m actually a little excited for our next session. Everything I thought I knew is now a lie. Some people can be trusted, and though I above average intelligence, I still have a lot to learn. Alvin Toffler once said, the illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
“I guess so.” As long as I don’t have to go through another “Autumn Show”, I’ll be happy; as happy as I can be anyway.
“I want to get to know you. Not your past or your family, just you. I want to know who Autumn is.”
“I’ll go along with your little game, Dr. Saunders, but I come with conditions. I will agree to answer any questions you have, but in return, you have to answer my questions.”
“That sounds fair. You’ve got a deal.” Does this woman ever stop smiling? “Let’s start with an easy one. What’s your favorite color and why?”
I’m not sure what she’s trying to do. I know this is some sort of reverse psychology experiment she’s trying to work on, but why? What is she going to learn about me from this?
“Since I was 7 years old, my favorite color has always been white. People always argue with me that it’s not a color, which is true, technically, but I’m an artist, and to me, it’s a neutral color.”
“Why is that your favorite color?”
“I like things that are simple. I like things to be neat and organized and to me, that’s what it is. It’s clean, and when I see objects or fabrics that are white, they’re perfect. It gives me hope that perfection still exists.”
“I find that to be very clever reasoning.”
“Now it’s my turn to ask a question. Why are you always smiling?”
“Well, Autumn, I smile because I enjoy your company.”
“That’s not what I mean. I should have asked how you can still smile.”
“You’ve already asked your question, Autumn. Now we can move on.” This is the first time I’m noticing it. She always smiles, but it’s always been with her mouth, not her eyes. I’ve seen eyes like that before. I see them every time I look in the mirror. “What’s your favorite animal?” She asks, acting as if everything was normal again.
“I love all animals, but my favorite would have to be the snow leopard.”
“Why is that?”
“Mostly because I love cats and they are like huge cuddly kittens, but I’m guessing the answer you’re looking for is more in depth than that. I like them because they are loners. They live, hunt, and feed alone most of the time. I once read that they prefer to be alone because that’s when they do their best thinking and problem solving. It also has to do with abandonment issues. When they get to a certain age, the mother forces the cubs to leave and fend for themselves. It’s almost like they’re human. If I was an animal, I think I’d be a snow leopard. They only trust themselves.”
“That is the most accurate and truthful answer I’ve ever been given when asking that question.”
“I like complicated things.”
“I thought you liked simple things.”
“I like both, but never in between.” I can’t help but laugh with her. “What happened to her?”
“Who?” She knows who. She’s trying to avoid my question.
“Your daughter.”
“Today was supposed to be about learning more about each other, Autumn, nothing too serious. Ask another question, please.”
“All right, I apologize, it’s too soon for that, I get it. What kind of music do you like?”
“Oh, well that’s easy. My favorite is country. I like music that tells a story, but you can still understand what they’re saying.” I know the feeling. “What about you, Autumn? What’s your favorite song?”
“It’s hard to say. I love music, but if I had to choose just one, I think I’d go with A Few Small Bruises by Maria Mena.”
“I don’t think I’ve heard that one.”
“It’s worth listening to.”
“Give me a few of your favorite lines.”
“…well except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars, I’m fine…thank you for asking…I know they think I’m crazy, but everything I am is everything I was taught to be…and as you read my words out loud, make me sound genius, make me sound special, and maybe I’ll come down…”
She’s still writing in that stupid pad. I wonder what she writes on that thing. “Dr. Saunders, what are you writing? I thought this was just a game.”
“Autumn, you can learn a lot about a person by learning their likes and dislikes.”
“What did you learn about me?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“I do.”
She studies her notes and looks up. “Well, your favorite color is white, which tells me you have a desire for perfection and impossible ideas. It also tells me that you want your childhood back. You want to obtain your lost youth. You have a yearning for a simple life.” I knew she was planning something. “Your favorite animal is a snow leopard. You gave me the reasoning for that one. You said yourself; you only trust yourself and have abandonment issues. You do not trust easily, because you think everyone is going to leave you…”
“That’s what they do.”
“Your song choice, tells me that you want, or need rather, someone that you can trust. Someone that is willing to be there, no matter what. It tells me that you blame everyone else for a problem that you started.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is, Autumn.”
“No. I don’t blame them for a problem I started. I know I’m the one at fault for harming myself, but I also know that they’re the ones that pushed me there, by wanting me to be perfect. They ‘taught’ me to be who I am, because I was who I was because that’s who they wanted me to be. I was afraid of being myself because I knew I wouldn’t be accepted in my family.”
“You are a very intelligent young lady, Autumn. I’m assuming you already knew everything I just told you, didn’t you.”
“I had an idea.”
“Now it’s your turn. What did you learn about me?”
“I learned that you’re not as hopeless as I once thought you to be.” I guess this therapy thing isn’t going to be so bad after all. Maybe she does know what she’s doing. For the first time, I wish this session could have been longer. I’m actually a little excited for our next session. Everything I thought I knew is now a lie. Some people can be trusted, and though I above average intelligence, I still have a lot to learn. Alvin Toffler once said, the illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.