Don't You Want the Way I Feel for You?

“Your hair really does look great on you.”

I looked up from my container of vegetable Lo Mein and smiled at Joey. Ryan had sent me home from filming because he didn’t want me to be in anything else now that my hair was different. We would start rehearsing the episode where Chloe is introduced on Thursday so I had the rest of my Tuesday night and Wednesday off. Joey had text Darren about having dinner but he hadn’t been sure when he’d be done and told him to eat without him. I didn’t want to eat alone with Lily being on set as well so I had called Joey and asked if he wanted to have dinner.

“Joey, this isn’t a date we’ve been over this.”

Joey chuckled and shook his head, “Um ew gross I’m aware of that. But seriously, it really does look nice on you. What did Darren say?”

Joey and I were currently sitting at the island in Darren’s kitchen eating Chinese takeout. About three days after the Emmy’s Joey had moved in with Darren and the two of them had taken their bromance to the next step, living together. It was kind of weird being in Darren’s house with Joey when Darren wasn’t there. He also didn’t know I was there.

I poked at my noodles with my chopsticks, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know or he didn’t say anything?”

Joey always does that. He doesn’t let me indirectly answer a question.

“He said he has a very pretty best friend on and off set…” I said looking down at my food.

“Oh so he was flirting with you? Okay you could’ve said that in the first place.”

“Joey just stop it. It’s not going to happen.”

“Autumn, he likes you I know he does. Like seriously, it’s so obvious.”

“But you said he’s like that with everybody.”

“He doesn’t text and call everybody to say goodnight every single night.”

Joey wasn’t exaggerating. Darren and I had gotten into the habit of either texting or talking on the phone until we fell asleep. We’ve gotten so close in the past three weeks I seriously feel like he knows me better than anyone, except maybe Lily. And Joey was a contender too. He and I had been hanging out a lot too, mostly with Darren. We’d gotten coffee a few times just us but we hadn’t told Darren about it.

“He said I’m his best friend Joey.”

“Because you are, well besides me obviously. But falling in love with your best friend is the easiest thing to do like ever.”

“Darren is not in love with me. He doesn’t even like me like that.”

“Yes he does, why do you think I don’t tell him when we hang out without him? Because he’d get jealous and pissy.”

I put down my chopsticks and looked at Joey, “Is that really why you won’t tell him when we hangout without him?”

“Yes because then he’ll get all awkward and defensive about his feelings for you. And I’m waiting for him to tell me that he likes you on his own.”

“He doesn’t like me.” I said again.

“I am literally going to punch you in the face.”

“Then I’ll kick you in the balls.”

“Point taken.” Joey chuckled.

“Joey if he liked me he’d do something about it.” I said putting the rest of the Chinese in tupper ware containers. I made a plate and wrapped it in ceran wrap and put it in the microwave so Darren would have something to eat when he got home.

“See, you’d think that but he won’t because he’s afraid.”

I closed the refrigerator door and turned back to him, “Of what?”

“Of you not feeling the same way, of you feeling the same way, getting into a serious relationship, having a future, getting his heart ripped out, the usual.”

“That’s a lot to be afraid of.”

“He’s got a lot of reasons to be afraid.”

“Like what?” I said ushering Joey into the living room. I was tired of sitting on the hightop chairs at the island. I plopped down on the couch and Joey sat next to me. I turned the TV on but turned my attention back to Joey. He was staring intensely at the tv guide.

“Joey.”

“Huh?”

“Answer my question.”

“What question?”

“No no no that’s not going to work you’re not going to avoid it by acting dumb. What happened to Darren that he’s a relationship and commitment phobe?”

Joey sighed, “I don’t know if I should tell you. That’s something he should tell you.”

“Come on Joey help a girl out here. I’m already confused enough.”

“Alright… Darren was dating this girl named Meghan for a really long time, like they started dating during October of his freshman year of college and were together all the way through graduation. They continued dating after they graduated for almost a year I mean they were living together. They were together for almost five years.”

“Did you know her?”

“Of course. She was in our circle of friends. She was my orientation leader and I met Darren through her. They were inseparable, they did everything together. They fought sometimes like every couple does but other than that they were perfect, and madly in love with each other.

“He wanted to marry her didn’t he?”

“He had every intention of doing so. She was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.”

“What happened?” I said quietly. Joey’s face had turned into an angry stoney expression.

“Darren came home one day, found her in bed I’m sorry HIS bed with another guy. A guy Darren knew and was actually friends with. She’d been sleeping with someone else for over a year.”

“Oh my god….oh poor Darren.” I felt like I could cry. How could someone do something so awful?

“The kid was heartbroken, he called me when it happened and he could barely talk. He didn’t eat, sleep, talk, or leave his room for a week. I had to get Meghan’s things packed up and out of the house. I’d never seen him like that before I legit wanted to kill her for doing that to him. He sold the apartment they’d been living in and stayed with me for a while. Then things with Glee took off and he was finally able to get out of that dark place she put him in. But he was stuck there in a state of depression for months; he was a completely different person than he is now.”

“How could anyone do that to Darren? He’s one of the most genuine sincere, sweet and honest people I’ve ever met. He’d never hurt anybody…I just don’t understand how someone could hurt him like that.”

“You love him.”

“What?!”

“You do, you so totally love him.”

“Of course I love him, he’s my best friend.”

“Oh don’t give me that.”

“Joey just drop it, I’m tired of talking in circles.” I sighed leaning back into the couch.

“Alright fine but I know I’m right about this and I will pro-“

“Brotherman where you at?” the front door closed.

“Oh my god.”

“He’s home, Darren’s home.” Joey said in a panic.

“Joey! You said he always texts you before he comes home so I would know when to leave!” I whisper yelled.

“He does! He always does! Oh shit he’s going to flip out because you’re here and I didn’t tell him he’s going to think I’m hiding something!”

“You are!” I said lightly hitting his arm

“Well he’s going to think it’s more than what it is!”

“I smell food, did you get Chinese? I would’ve text you but my phone died….” Darren’s voice trailed off when he walked into the living room.

“Hey Dar!” Joey said smiling a little too big.

“Hey…having a party without me?” he said, his tone flat.

“Um well I didn’t want to eat alone and I know you said Joey was on his own too so I just thought that-“

“That you’d have dinner together.”

“Darren it wasn’t like that, I mean we ordered takeout.” Joey said

“There’s leftovers…I made you a plate, it’s in the microwave. I thought you’d be hungry when you got home…” I said quietly

Darren’s expression softened a little bit but he still looked pissed as hell at me and Joey.

“I’m gonna go take out the garbage.” Joey said quickly getting up and walking into the kitchen.

“Trash day was yester-“ Darren started.

“Man you can smell it from here!” I heard Joey pick up the whole trash can and race outside. Note to self, kill him later for leaving me here to deal with this.

There was a heavy awkward silence between the two of us and I felt like a child waiting to be scolded. A minute or so past and I was just thinking about getting up when Darren sat down next to me. I stole a glance out of the corner of my eye and saw him staring blankly at the TV. He finally broke the silence.

“So, you guys have dinner together often?”

“No, this is the first time actually..” I said timidly.

“Ah.”

Well there’s no point in lying to him now, besides he has no right to be pissed, Joey and I are friends and friends can hangout my boyfriend can’t dictate who I’m friends wi- wait a minute. He’s NOT my boyfriend, he has no right to be pissed at all!

“We’ve gotten coffee a few times though.” I said this time with a little more confidence.

He snorted and said, “Well that’s just peachy.”

Alright now I’m annoyed. I got up off the couch, snatched the remote out of his hand and turned off the TV. I stood in front of him hands on hips and said,

“Do you have a problem with that?”

“No of course not. I mean that’s fine you guys sneaking around behind my back.”

“Sneaking around?! Darren there is nothing going on! Joey and I are friends.”

“I’m supposed to believe that?” he scoffed.

“Yes! Have we given you reason to think otherwise?!” I said raising my voice a little. Joey picked that moment to walk back in.

“Hey I was just wondering-“

“OUT, Joey!” we both snapped. Joey hightailed it out of the living room and we heard his bedroom door shut.

“Would you like to go join him in there?” Darren asked standing in front of me now.

“You are ridiculous! Joey and I are friends! Nothing is going on and nothing will ever go on. And even if there was why is that such a bad thing? Why would it matter?!”

“Because you kept it from me!” he said his voice getting louder with every word.

“Kept what?! There’s nothing to keep! And if even I was keeping that from you why would it bother you!? Why would you care?!” I yelled.

“I WOULDN’T I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU DO!” He yelled back in my face.

That’s when I lost it. I have never dealt well with yelling; ever since I was a little girl I always hated it. If you change the tone in your voice I’ll start crying and I was surprised I had held my ground for so long. But now I had Darren, supposedly sweet nice Darren, screaming at me. I bit my lip and turned around as the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I picked up my purse and started walking towards the door. Something in Darren must’ve snapped or a light bulb must’ve turned on when he realized what he had done. I was halfway up the hallway when he came sprinting around the corner almost knocking over a potted plant and killing himself in the process.

“Autumn, wait please wait.”

I kept walking keeping my eyes focused on the path in front of me as the door got closer.

“Stop, Autumn please stop, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled please stop wait a second.”

I tried to push his voice out of my head and I kept walking. I finally reached the door and went to put my hand on the knob when I felt his hand wrap around my wrist.

“Babe, please don’t go.”

I stopped, my hand hovering over the door knob. He just called me that. Pet names, my weakness. He knows that because I told him, but I know he didn’t say that on purpose. I turned around to face him, my eyes still cloudy with tears. I could feel the wet trails on my cheeks as tears slid down them.

“What did you just say?” I sniffed

Darren looked like he was ready to cry at this point,

“I said, please don’t go.”

“You called me babe.”

“I..I guess I did.”

Seeing Darren so upset just made me even more upset and I felt a fresh wave if tears coming. I dropped my bag and wrapped my arms around him.

“Darren, I’m I’m s sorry” I stuttered out. He hugged me tight against him and started running his hand through my hair.

“No no no,” he said, “shhh hunnie don’t cry please don’t you’re breakin my heart here.”

“I’m sorry for that too.” I sobbed into his shirt.

“Shhh love shhh don’t cry.” Darren picked me up bridal style and carried me back into the living room and sat down. I was still on his lap while he held me rubbing my back.

“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you I shouldn’t have been mad at all. You guys didn’t even do anything wrong. I’ve just had a long day and something snapped. I’m so sorry please don’t cry. I never want to make you cry I feel like I’m dying inside right now.” He hugged me tight and then I pulled away to look at him. He reached up and wiped away my remaining tears with his thumbs.

“I like your hair…” he whispered. I chuckled and ran a hand through it.

“Thanks. I’m sorry I got snippy with you.”

“It’s okay you had every right to, I was being a jerk for no reason.”

“Why were you so mad?”

Darren thought for a second, “I..don’t know. I guess I was just jealous that he’s gotten to hang out with my best friend when I don’t really get to off set.”

“Darebear-“ I started

“Oh my god you’re adorable,” he said hugging me again, “that is not fair you can’t call me that.

I laughed into his shoulder, “I call you that all the time.”

“Uh yah, via text message. It’s totally different when you say it in person and I hear you say it.

“Well Dar, we hang out on set all the time.”

“But that’s at work it’s not the same.” He pouted.

“Well I guess not. Do you work tomorrow?”

“Nope I have the day off.”

“Me too!”

“OH MY GOD HANG OUT WITH ME!”

“WHEN?!”

“RIGHT NOW AND TOMORROW AND FOREVER!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his random outburst.

“Darren, I would love to hang out with you right now, tomorrow and forever.”

“Woo!” Darren cheered, and then his stomach growled super loud.

“But first you need to eat. There’s a plate of Chinese food in the microwave.”

“Yay!”

Darren went into the kitchen and ten minutes later he came back with his plate of Chinese, a beer, a bowl of popcorn, two glasses, and a bottle of wine. I made room on the couch next to me.

“What’s the occasion?” I said gesturing to the bottle.

“A celebration because there is no work for us tomorrow and we are no longer arguing over stupid things.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

Darren opened the bottle and poured a glass for me and one for himself. I took a sip and then grabbed a handful of popcorn.

“Wanna watch a movie?” he asked sitting down in front of the cabinet next to the big screen TV. Darren opened the doors and a huge collection of movies sat inside in alphabetical order.

“Sure, which one?”

“Take your pick.” Darren said through a mouthful of sesame chicken.

“Um wow that’s a lot to pick from. How about The Other Guys, I feel like laughing.”

“Excellent choice.” Darren took the DVD out of its case and put it in the DVD player. He plopped down next to me and refilled his wine glass and mine.

An hour and a bottle of wine later I was lounging on Darren’s couch hugging my knees to my chest. Darren looked over at me when I gave a shiver. Ugh I hate getting chills.

“You cold, hun?”

“Little bit.”

“You should’ve said something.” Darren got up and went to grab a blanket out of the basket next to the recliner. He opened the foot rest on his side of the couch and patted the spot next to him. I scooched over and reached for the blanket.

“Hey I’m cold too you have to shareee.” He whined

“Alright fine.” I said back with mock annoyance. He placed the blanket over the both of us but it was only covering about half of me.

“Come here you, and get warm.” He said. Darren wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me over to him. I expected him to let go but he didn’t he just settled into the couch getting comfortable. He seemed pretty content so I snuggled down into the cushions and laid my head on his chest. I felt his fingers playing with my hair again.

“Autumn?” Darren asked.

“Hmmm?” I replied sleepily

“How did I get so lucky?”

I let my tired and wine buzzed brain do the talking, “Talent, a beautiful voice, charm, hazel eyes and a really nice ass.”

Darren started laughing, “No silly, I meant having you in my life.”

“Talent, a beautiful voice, charm,hazel eyes, and a really nice ass.” I said again.

Darren chuckled again and nuzzled his nose into my hair. Heleaned backand said,

“You’re my best friend in the whole world…just don’t tell Joey.”

I turned so I could look up at him. I smiled and said,

“You’re my best friend too…just don’t tell Lily.”

“I love you, Autumn.” Darren said giving me a squeeze. My heart sank a little because I knew what that did and didn’t mean.

“I uh…I love you too, Dar.” I replied and laid my head back on his chest. I was mentally kicking myself and I knew Joey and Lilly would physically kick me tomorrow when I told them about this.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Darren, if you only knew just how much I love you…