Status: ongoing
Our Life, Our Girl
Present
Clea lay on my stomach reading a book while I flipped through a magazine or was pretending to at least. I wanted a nap. I looked down my nose at Clea. She read at a third grade level. "Daddy?" she asked without looking away from her book.
"Yes Clebee?" I asked and ran my fingers through her hair. One day I'd learn to braid it.
"Where do your babies come from?" she asked. I made a strangled noise and she looked up at me with wide green eyes. "Where do your babies come from?" she asked. I was panicking. This was a job for Cas.
"Why do you ask?" I managed to choke out. If I was lucky I'd be able to avoid this question.
“Well Aunt Ruby is pregnant and Liam’s mom is pregnant and Tina’s dog Maybelle had babies and Mrs. Rachel is pregnant, but you’re a boy. So where do your babies go?”
“Well remember, we adopted you. We adopt our babies because we aren’t girls so we can’t have babies …” I managed to get out. “We don’t have the … right body parts …”
“So you buy babies?” she asked.
“Not exactly. When someone adopts a baby they are providing a child with a home and loving family, something the mommy who had the baby might not be able to provide.”
“Why?”
“Everyone has their own reasons.” She seemed to accept that answer and went back to reading.
“So you would adopt another baby like me?” she asked awhile later.
“Most likely.”
“Will it be in a wheelchair?” she asked.
“We will have to wait and see,” I told her and she nodded. I knew our next child wouldn’t though. I mean sure there’s a chance, but it’s a slim one. A very slim one.
“I wanna dance,” she suddenly decided and I raised an eyebrow.
“Ten minutes ago you were adamant about reading your book,” I said and she shrugged.
“Changed my mind.”
“Why am I not surprised?” I asked and she grinned. I lifted her up and tossed her over my shoulder. “So what’ll it be tonight?”
“Riverdance!” she exclaimed and I sighed. One of the biggest mistakes of the summer was allowing Cas to rent it. I’ve now been forced to watch it an additional four times and we own the soundtrack.
“I’m not dancing like them,” I warned and she laughed as I set her in her wheelchair. Moments later the house was vibrating and she was spinning herself in endless circles.
“I’m disappointed to find that you aren’t dancing,” Cas said coming through the front door. I rolled my eyes and headed to the bedroom hoping he’d follow. He did.
“She wanted to know stuff about babies again and like where they come from and what if we got one and if it’d be in a wheelchair or something and I wasn’t sure what to tell her, but I tried and I-” his lips cut me off. He kissed until I kissed back and he slid his hands around my waist.
“Rambling,” he murmured against my lips. I sighed.
“You smell good. Like old times,” I said running my fingers through his head.
“I always smell like this,” he said resting his forehead on mine.
“No like when we went to that fair because you were helping with the deep frying thing. Were you in Pomero’s?” I asked and he grinned. There was this little bar across town run by the Pomero family. I eat there a lot since it’s near the shop and they’ll deep fry anything for me. It’s called Butter Fingers. I go there with Cas every once in a while, but he knows I love their pie puffs and I know he’s got some for me. “Give me,” I murmured nuzzling his neck.
“In the kitchen,” he said and I ran to them. He got apple ones. I was in heaven.
“But really, what are your thoughts on children?” I asked. We were in bed and he was leafing through a magazine about porches. I was fighting sleep, but we needed to discuss these things. Cas shrugged.
“Either we adopt or do surrogacy, but I’d want a baby this time. Mostly because I think it’ll be easier on Clea … and I want a baby. I want a little tiny baby so bad.” He set his magazine down and stared at me.
“I know Cas, I know baby,” I said and leaned over and kissed his hip. He dragged his fingers through my hair and I groaned. “Fuck me,” I whispered biting his hip.
“Clea …”
“Doesn’t have nightmares every night anymore,” I said pushing myself up and kissing his chest.
“But-” I clamped my hand over his mouth and smiled.
“We are not playing the excuse game tonight. You know I hate that shit,” I hissed in his ear before nibbling it. He moaned and grabbed at my back scratching and clawing. I licked and kissed his neck. “Stop worrying,” I moaned straddling his lap. He was already very hard. It never took much to get him going. I smiled again. “If I move my hand you’re gonna be a good boy right?” he said something that came out garbled. “I’m warning you,” I said and ground my hips against him and he fell silent. I moved my hand and kissed his lips. “Much better,” I groaned sliding my hands up his chest kissing him harder. As much as I missed fucking twice a day in various locations, I was glad to finally have a bed that we wouldn’t break or fall out of.
I was the first one up which wasn’t normal. It happened when Cas was sick or extremely stressed. I felt his forehead before I got up and since I didn’t feel warm, so I started to wonder.
I fixed cereal for Clea and went to wake her up and it began. We were barely into the year and she was digging her nails into my arm and hitting me as I tried to get her out of bed. “Come on baby girl, it’s only school,” I said prying her fingers off my forearm. “Want me to go in with you? I can go in and see your teacher with you if you’d like.” Last year, with kindergarten, she hadn’t wanted to go and she’d scream bloody murder. When got a lot of her anxiety worked out though and by the time school resumed after winter break she wasn’t fighting us. She’d already gone for two weeks and we’d heard no complaints from her or teachers, so this worried me. “Come on Clea,” I said and she scrambled away from me hitting my hands if I got too close. I wanted to go get Cas.
Finally I scooped her up and carried her into the living room. She pulled my hair and struggled and when she went to scratch my face I pinned her arms to her sides. In therapy they’d wrap her in the rug or a blanket until she stopped and calmed down. “Clea,” I said calmly and sat next to her. “Why don’t you want to go to school?”
“I hate school,” she said and I shook my head.
“You love school. Think about all the books and activities they have there,” I told her and slowly let go of her arms.
“I wanna go on the swings at recess,” she said to me and I nodded.
“Then we’ll just have to practice getting on and off the swings,” I said putting her in my lap. “Is that all?” she nodded and I sighed. So much anger and frustration just because of the swings. “Now come on I’ve got cereal,” I said and took her into the kitchen. We I ate cereal Cas complained and stood in front of the fridge apologizing to the food he wouldn’t be cooking, so I ate it when he wasn’t here to avoid those situations. I poured her some Lucky Charms and sat across from her. “Are you sure that’s all?” I asked and she nodded.
“Where’s daddy?” she asked picking out the marshmallows and eating them.
“Asleep. He’s tired,” I said and she nodded again and poured milk in the rest of her cereal. I hoped he was just tired.
“So your car?” she asked hopefully.
“Cleabee I don’t drive the other thing,” I laughed and cleared the table.
“I don’t wanna wear shoes today,” she said and I raised an eyebrow.
“You have to wear shoes in school. It’s a rule.”
“Don’t wanna,” she said slamming her spoon on the table.
“Clea,” I warned and she glared at me. “Finish eating,” I said bringing her wheelchair into the kitchen. “Then go get dressed,” I said and went to shower and get dressed. Hopefully she’d do what I asked.
“Hard morning?” Cas asked. He was reading another magazine. It was a parenting magazine.
“She’s really angry. Didn’t want to go to school, doesn’t want to wear shoes … are you sure she isn’t your biological child?” I asked and he smiled.
“I’ll call Dr. Gomez,” he said and I nodded. Normally Clea went to therapy once a week for two hours. If there were incidents like this though we could call and come in. she used to go to therapy three or four times a week.
I finished dressing and crawled onto the bed to kiss him. “Why are you still in bed?” I asked.
“Mmm not feeling good,” he said looking down and I sighed and lifted his chin.
“Tell me when I get back?” he nodded and I headed to Clea’s room. She wore an orange t-shirt under overall shorts and her red cowboy boots. “Come on then Clea,” I said heading to the living room.
“My hair!” she exclaimed and I searched for her backpack. I still had to make her lunch. Cas was so much better at this then I was.
“Go to Cas!” I told her as I looked around for peanut butter and jelly. There was hardly any peanut butter thanks to Cas who eats it off a spoon when he thinks no one is looking. She came back with two French braids and I handed her the knife to lick the peanut butter off. So much like Cas.
We went out and I piled her into my baby and we were off. “Do you still want me to come in with you?” I asked and she nodded.
“And I want another horse,” she added and I smiled.
“You’ll have to ask Cas,” I said and she nodded. Cas had refused to paint a mural of the wild west in my room, so when we got Clea he put it there and over the years he’s added horses to it. There are twelve right now and she has named each one.
When we got to school I got her out and helped Jo manhandle her little one out of her car before heading in with Clea. She stayed close to me. I checked in at the front desk and then knelt down in front of her. “Okay, now you gotta show me where your class is. I don’t know where I’m going.” She nodded and took my hand and headed down the hall.
Her classroom was 1C and it was about half full when we arrived. She didn’t want to go inside. “Come on Cleebee,” I urged and she squeezed my hand tighter. I smoothed her hair. I was really wishing Cas was here. He was better at these situations where as I just wanted to take her away and go do something fun to make her smile.
“Excuse me, but don’t you want to come in Clea?” her teacher asked coming to the door. She was a short Asian woman who looked barely my age. Her name was Ms. Hwang and Jo’s kids both had her so we had heard good things so I knew it wasn’t the teacher that Clea didn’t like.
“I want papa,” she said quietly.
“Cas is at home Clea,” I said. “You gotta go to school and have fun so that you can tell us all about it.”
“We have a lot planned for today Clea,” Ms. Hwang tried and Clea shook her head.
“Please Clea?” I asked and she held my hand tighter.
“Hi Clea!” her little friend Bree called from in the classroom.
“Don’t you want to go in and see Bree?” I asked and Clea shrugged. I shot an apologetic look at the teacher as the bell rang. “Come on Clea,” I said trying not to become annoyed. She finally nodded and we went inside, but she didn’t let go of my hand for another fifteen minutes.
“Stressed already Dean?” Mr. Mason said as I tore through a junker looking for engine parts. I wiped my brow and shrugged. He sipped his water and handed me a wrench. He was good at reading people, but then again my body language wasn’t suggesting otherwise.
“Something’s up with Cas and Clea was hard this morning,” I told him.
“Hasn’t she been being good lately?”
“Yeah, but something’s up … always when it’s been good something goes wrong,” I said yanking nuts loose wiping sweat out of my eyes again. This was probably too rusty to be worth my time, but I was already involved with it. “And Cas is freaking out again about money. Always about money,” I grunted ripping a screw out, “and that means I’m going to need another job. He doesn’t want me to, but we need to. I need to. If there’s another kid we need it at least for a little.”
“I wish I could pay you more,” Mr. Mason said and I instantly shot him an apologetic look. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad. He smiled. “I know, I know I’m just saying. What do you think about doing?”
“Well …” I shrugged and headed towards the car in the shop. I had some ideas. Cas always freaked and stressed about money. The only way to get him to shut up half the time was to have so much sex he was exhausted.
“I know both of you did odd jobs before moving here. Your resume had at least fifteen names,” Mr. Mason said following me into the shop.
“Yeah I know. I guess I was considering, well okay see I got my EMT certification while Cas was doing his college stuff just in case I was gonna hang around and I never really used it until Katrina. We were down there with the Red Cross and I’d never be a doctor, too much school, but I could do that again or try nursing I guess. Maybe,” I said rummaging through drawers to find a screw driver.
“You were in New Orleans?”
“Yeah it was Cas’ idea. We’d already volunteered once with Red Cross when we were in Florida so we had connections and shit. I didn’t realize it was gonna be like that though … we don’t talk about Katrina much. There are too many sad memories.”
“I can imagine,” he said and was quiet after that as I worked. I checked to see if he’d fallen asleep, which happened often, but he was just sitting and watching me. “Is that how you found Clea? Those connections?”
“Oh no Cas has a friend Chuck who works for CPS or something and he told us about Clea. Said she was darling and all that and everything about her situation. Cas barely let him finish before he was dragging me to the car yelling about Denver,” I said and smiled remembering it. I’d been wary, but all Cas heard was there was a child we could take home in a few days. We’d been through paper work and stuff to adopt and/or foster had been cleared, so Chuck was looking out for a kid for us. It was Cas’ dream come true and the moment I saw her it was mine too. Sure it was difficult. The beginning was overwhelmingly hard, but we got through it and I’m glad Clea, even on days where she is difficult, is my daughter.
“So nursing, I bet you’d be good at that. It’s a lot of work, but you’re a hard worker,” Mr. Mason laughed and I shrugged.
“Depends on expense. If it’s more than it’s worth I’ll do EMT stuff again. I didn’t mind doing that. You get to drive fast,” I said with a grin and Mr. Mason laughed.
I was glad Clea seemed to be in a better mood when I picked her up. We were going to Jo’s for a while since she needed me to fix a ceiling fan she couldn’t reach. Charlie demanded to ride with us and Clea was glad. I didn’t mind either and laughed at Jo as she drove by in her SUV.
“Turn it up!” Clea shouted as Led Zeppelin came through the speakers. I smiled and turned it up; her and Charlie singing with me. She was in a much better mood.
Jo carried Clea into the house. She took an opportunity she got to keep Clea as her own since her house was filled with boys who wouldn’t play with dolls even if she tried. It was always a little strange to see her like this. I’d always known her as the tomboy who’d challenge me to an arm wrestling match and worked in her mothers’ bar, so to see her fawn over Clea was always a little shocking. If I brought it up she threatened to kick my ass and show me what it was really like to be a man.
I brought the wheelchair in and then picked up Charlie and held him upside down while walking into the kitchen. Alex had already disappeared upstairs. Jo returned with a ladder and I took Charlie and Clea’s wheelchair into the backyard. She was eyeing the swing set.
“Want help?” I asked and she shook her head.
“I can do it daddy,” she said staring at the swing.
“But what about your wheelchair? How are you going to move it after you get on the swing?”
“Doesn’t Charlie have recess with you Clee?” Alex called out his window upstairs.
“I DO!” Charlie shouted from the slide.
“Can you move it then?” she asked him and he nodded running over.
“Go try then,” I encouraged. She went over to the swing and hoisted herself onto it. Her arms were so tiny; I was always surprised by how strong she was. Charlie gladly got into her wheelchair and moved it. “You’ve gotta remember to give it back,” I reminded him and he nodded.
“Yeah I know Dean,” he told me and ran back to the slide.
“Now move your upper body Cleebee,” I said and she started trying and I smiled going back inside.
Jo was in the living room with a stool and a screwdriver. I got up and started taking the fan down. “Where’s Danny-boy?” I asked. Her husband was usually home since he worked from his office upstairs as an editor for ads put out the by army and marines and stuff.
“Fishing. Remember? He always goes out and he always invites you and Cas, but Cas can’t sit still and you said you had to work,” she said and I nodded.
“We’ve gone other times,” I reminded her. Cas really couldn’t sit still. He could when he was painting, but fishing drove him nearly insane. We went last spring and I made Cas stay on shore and sketch so that he wouldn’t piss off Danny or his two other friends.
I handed the fan to Jo who took it into the kitchen and I peeked out at Clea before following. She was still swinging.
“I’m thinking about getting another job,” I said casually as I took a look at the motor. Jo snorted.
“You work at the shop and the restaurant AND you’ll do odd jobs like weeding or repaving driveways or buying old people their groceries. You need more? As it is I never imagined you’d do this much work. Your dad never thought you would and mom always offered you a job, but you decided to run around the country.”
“Yeah and I did a lot of work Jo, god you sound like my dad,” I said rolling my eyes and tinkering with the motor. She laughed and went to the fridge taking out iced tea.
“What do you have in mind?” she asked drinking from the pitcher.
“Really Jo?”
“My tea, my rules, and tell me about this job idea!” she demanded.
“Alright, alright, but I haven’t discussed it with Cas yet so hush, but I was either thinking of going back to being an EMT or maybe nursing if the schooling isn’t too much and won’t take too long. We need more steady income if we’re gonna have another kid.”
“Wait what?! Another?! When? Who? What?!” she practically screamed. This was exactly how she reacted when we were thinking about adopting before we got Clea and then when we got Clea. I smiled and shrugged.
“We’ve been considering it for a while and after Cas stops stressing about money we will start the paper work … although I know he’s still considering a surrogate, so we’ll see.”
“That’s great though! A boy? I gotta call mom,” she said reaching for the phone. I groaned and she grinned. “She’s gotta hear Dean. After all she did for you and all you owe it to her.”
“She did it cause she thought I was hot,” I complained and she laughed harder.
“Yeah but she also saw your potential. Like Bobby,” she said and I shrugged. It was true that Ellen, Jo’s mom, had done a lot for me and even Cas. She called friends of hers who found us jobs in odd places. She let us stay in her grandmother’s house one winter when we were out in Michigan and there were terrible ice storms. She helped a lot. “I’m calling,” she stated and wandered off dialing the phone. As I fixed the fan I heard her yell to the boys and Clea to say hi to grandma.
After a little while she wandered back to hang up the phone. “She demanded to talk to you but I said you were doing work, so she’ll probably call you later.”
“Alright,” I said and took the fan back into the living room. Talking to Ellen always made me feel guilty that I hadn’t seen her in so long. We saw her for the 4th of July; same with Bobby and Jody. I also knew I should call her more often. Guilt.
I finished the fan and Jo thanked me profusely and I headed out with Clea. We drove to Waldo Canyon and parked and lifted her out and sat her on our bench. Occasionally I’d bring her out here and we would look at the scenery. I went to my trunk and lifted out the cooler. I took out a beer and a bottle of orange soda. Only when we did this did she get her special drink and it was our secret. I opened it and handed it to her before sitting down. She leaned against me.
“What is it daddy?” she asked quietly and I smoothed her hair.
“Just thinking about how there aren’t enough hours in the day,” I said taking a sip and looking up at the sky.
“There are a lot of hours in the day. There are twenty-four,” she told me and I nodded.
“And how many months are there?”
“Twelve in a year and there are seven days in a week and three hundred sixty five days in a year,” she told me and I smiled.
“And when is your birthday?”
“October 8th, 2005,” she said and I smiled. “And yours is January 24th, 1979 and papas is March 13th, 1981. I know all this daddy. Ask me something hard.” I thought for a moment.
“When did I meet Cas?”
“I said hard,” she giggled. “But January 17th, 2002 outside of where he worked. At Fresh.”
“Very good,” I said and she grinned drinking her soda. She liked knowing dates and random facts and she always asked for stories about me and Cas. Cas would tell her stories about us when we were younger before she went to bed. “When did we start dating?”
“I said hard!” she whined. “May 20th, 2002. He finally asked you out after you forced him into it because you wanted to hear him say it.” I laughed.
“Did not,” I laughed. It was something like that though. I did want to hear him admit to liking me and all. I knew it, but I wanted to hear it.
“When did my mom get sick?”
“The first or the second time?” Clea asked.
“Second.”
“She was diagnosed March 4th, 1983 and she had uncle Sam in her tummy right? And that’s why she couldn’t get her medicine right away?”
“That’s what I was told and it makes sense. The medicine would have killed the baby in her stomach. She knew it was back around the time she found out she was pregnant, but she wanted Sammy so bad …” I regretted bringing up my mom. I usually avoided it. I could barely remember what she looked like since I was four when she passed away. Clea rubbed my arm.
“We are doing songs from the Lion King in choir,” Clea told me. She loved music class. “And wiffleball in gym. We were throwing today.”
“Are you good?”
“Of course. I told Bree how we’d go to the park in the summer,” she said with a grin. “Oh and guess what?!” she exclaimed.
“What?”
“My tooth is loose!” she said happily. I smiled.
“Finally right?” most of her class had started losing their teeth in kindergarten and she was anxious to have it happen to her.
“Yeah. Ask me another date,” she said and played with my hand.
“Hmm Anna’s birthday.”
“We haven’t seen them in so long,” Clea said and I nodded. Cas’ brothers were busy and he wasn’t fond of them visiting. We saw them last Christmas though. “Her birthday is September 3rd, 1998 and Uncle Michael’s is December 21st, 1971 and Aunt Mary is June 12th, 1974.”
“What about Gabe and Balt?”
“Uncle Gabe’s is July 30th, 1974 and uncle Balt is February 22nd, 1973.” I grinned and picked her up. She was better at remembering dates then I was and sometimes I used her as a calendar. “I wanna go swimming.”
“It’s getting cold out though Clee. It’s going to be fall soon.” She shrugged and I put our empty bottles in the trunk.
“We can go to an indoor pool. Bree goes to the YMCA and swims,” she said. We spent a lot of this summer swimming because while wearing a life jacket Clea felt confident to swim around herself and not be constantly clinging to me or Cas. I slung her over my shoulder. “Hey! I’m not a sack of potatoes!” she exclaimed and I laughed and started walking down the road.
“You’re my sack of potatoes,” I told her and she wiggled.
“Where are we going?”
“Just up here,” I said and walked a little further. I stopped on top of the hill overlooking part of the canyon. The sun was sinking low and I knew Cas would worry if we were any longer. I stared out at the world around us.
“Storms are coming,” she whispered and I nodded. There were dark clouds on the horizon. She clung tight to me. She didn’t do well with thunderstorms. Neither does any little kid really though. I remember crawling into bed with my dad and Sammy and then as I got older Sammy would crawl into my bed. Cas doesn’t remember, but Gabe said he’d cry and he’d go in there and gather up the blankets and make a fort and sleep with Cas in the fort during thunder storms.
“It’ll be okay Cleebee,” I reassured her and headed back to the car.
Cas was making dinner when we got home and Clea rushed off to help him. I wrapped my arms around him, kissed his cheek, and then headed out to the garage. I called Ellen and left a message and then decided to call Bobby.
“Hey Dean,” he whispered into the phone. I smiled.
“Marseille and Gwen asleep?” I asked.
“No, but if I talk loud they’ll wander in here and make noise and I won’t be able ta hear ya,” he said quietly and I laughed. “Don’t mock me boy,” he hissed. Marseille and Gwen were his five year old twins. He helped take care of me and Sam when we were young and honestly he was a better father then my own dad had been. I was glad that Bobby finally had children of his own. After he lost his first wife he had always doubted that he would. But here he was, a proud father.
“We’re actually thinking about extending our family,” I finally blurted out. The other end was silent. I heard the phone being set down and was starting to get worried. Then I heard one of the girls in the background.
“Daddy why are you crying?” I smiled and soon could hear Jody mocking Bobby and desperate attempts to convince her that he was not going soft. I laughed. He got emotional each time Sam or I talked about our children. He had gone soft. But that was okay with all of us.
“Shut it ya idjit I ain’t crying,” he snapped into the phone as I laughed.
“Alright, alright. Who’s with you?”
“Marseille. Marseille you wanna say hi to uncle Dean?”
“Hi uncle Dean!” her singsong voice said.
“Hi Marseille. How are you and how’s everyone?”
“We are good we went to kindergaren!”
“Kindergarten sweetie,” Bobby told her.
“Kinnergarden,” she told me and I was trying not to laugh.
“Who is on the phone!?” Gwen demanded.
“I’m on the phone!” Marseille snapped and a few moments later another line clicked on.
“Who’s this?!” Gwen asked and Marseille squawked.
“I’m on that phone call!” she shrieked into the phone. I heard Jody laughing in the background.
“Girls it’s my phone call,” Bobby interjected but they were too busy arguing. After about ten more minutes of arguing Bobby got the phone back and went outside.
“You and Sam were never that much trouble,” he griped and I laughed.
“We didn’t have Singer blood,” I said.
“There’s an insult in there somewhere but I’m too tired to figure it out. You better watch yourself Dean,” he warned with a laugh. “So another kid. Clea want a sibling?”
“Yeah and the timing is just starting to feel right even though it’ll put us in a money crunch. I might get another job.”
“Don’t wear yourself out boy or you won’t be there for your kids,” he said and I knew he was referring to my own dad.
“I definitely won’t. I just know we’d both relax if we had more of a cushion.”
“I guess. She doing alright? And Cas too?”
“Yeah we’ve avoid the ER and her therapist has been saying she’s doing better and better. We had a bit of school anxiety, but it didn’t lead to anything serious. I think that puts Cas at ease too. He’s doing good. No ulcers so far.”
“Keep it that way,” Bobby said.
“I know, we try,” I told him. It was true. Cas was trying to be less stressed. After his second time with stomach ulcers he was really making a point to take better care of himself. That’s also why I knew I needed another job. I didn’t want Cas to get sick again. It was finally looking like we weren’t going to be regulars in the ER anymore because of Clea and I didn’t want to start going there all the time because of Cas. Besides, being in the ER and then on the adult floor … well it brought back vague memories of my mom and memories of Sam and it brought back feelings I’d rather not have. I hated the hospital.
“Alright well I gotta put two little monsters to bed,” Bobby said and I heard one of the twins calling for him.
“Okay, I just wanted to tell you what we were thinking,” I said and could almost hear him nod.
“Tell John,” he told me.
“I will. Bye Bobby,” I said and hung up before heading back inside. I heard Clea in the tub talking to Cas about music class. I poked my head in. They were both nestled in the tub painting with washable tub paints that Cas got as a gag gift a while ago. She loved them. “Room for one more?” I asked and Clea frowned.
“It’s my papa time!” she whined and I smiled.
“Alright, but don’t let him get too pruny Cleebee. It’s almost his bedtime,” I said heading to her room to get her pajamas ready. I picked out a nightgown with horses on it. Cas brought her in wrapped in her duck towel and handed her off to me.
“What am I reading tonight?” I asked and she got dressed.
“Where the Sidewalk Ends.”
“That poem or that book?”
“That book and that poem,” she laughed and I sat on her bed and placed her in my lap. She opened the book and I started brushing her hair. “There is a place where the sidewalk ends. And before the street begins, and there the grass grows soft and white, and there the sun burns crimson bright, and there the moon-bird rests from his flight to cool in the peppermint wind.” I knew the poem by heart since it was her favorite. She was asleep against my chest by the end. I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. Cas slipped in as I was shutting off the light and kissed her goodnight. I caught his wrist as he was leaving. I pulled him close and rested my head on his chest.
“I told Bobby and Jo and Jo told Ellen that we were thinking to expand,” I said quietly and he stroked my hair.
“That’s good. We’ve got to tell my brothers and your dad next,” he said and I groaned. Things were still rocky with my dad. They always would be. “Hey, you have one person to tell and I have three,” Cas said and I laughed.
“No way am I doing it for you,” I murmured and pushed him back towards our room. He whined and I slapped his ass. “Hush, you’ll be fine.”
"Yes Clebee?" I asked and ran my fingers through her hair. One day I'd learn to braid it.
"Where do your babies come from?" she asked. I made a strangled noise and she looked up at me with wide green eyes. "Where do your babies come from?" she asked. I was panicking. This was a job for Cas.
"Why do you ask?" I managed to choke out. If I was lucky I'd be able to avoid this question.
“Well Aunt Ruby is pregnant and Liam’s mom is pregnant and Tina’s dog Maybelle had babies and Mrs. Rachel is pregnant, but you’re a boy. So where do your babies go?”
“Well remember, we adopted you. We adopt our babies because we aren’t girls so we can’t have babies …” I managed to get out. “We don’t have the … right body parts …”
“So you buy babies?” she asked.
“Not exactly. When someone adopts a baby they are providing a child with a home and loving family, something the mommy who had the baby might not be able to provide.”
“Why?”
“Everyone has their own reasons.” She seemed to accept that answer and went back to reading.
“So you would adopt another baby like me?” she asked awhile later.
“Most likely.”
“Will it be in a wheelchair?” she asked.
“We will have to wait and see,” I told her and she nodded. I knew our next child wouldn’t though. I mean sure there’s a chance, but it’s a slim one. A very slim one.
“I wanna dance,” she suddenly decided and I raised an eyebrow.
“Ten minutes ago you were adamant about reading your book,” I said and she shrugged.
“Changed my mind.”
“Why am I not surprised?” I asked and she grinned. I lifted her up and tossed her over my shoulder. “So what’ll it be tonight?”
“Riverdance!” she exclaimed and I sighed. One of the biggest mistakes of the summer was allowing Cas to rent it. I’ve now been forced to watch it an additional four times and we own the soundtrack.
“I’m not dancing like them,” I warned and she laughed as I set her in her wheelchair. Moments later the house was vibrating and she was spinning herself in endless circles.
“I’m disappointed to find that you aren’t dancing,” Cas said coming through the front door. I rolled my eyes and headed to the bedroom hoping he’d follow. He did.
“She wanted to know stuff about babies again and like where they come from and what if we got one and if it’d be in a wheelchair or something and I wasn’t sure what to tell her, but I tried and I-” his lips cut me off. He kissed until I kissed back and he slid his hands around my waist.
“Rambling,” he murmured against my lips. I sighed.
“You smell good. Like old times,” I said running my fingers through his head.
“I always smell like this,” he said resting his forehead on mine.
“No like when we went to that fair because you were helping with the deep frying thing. Were you in Pomero’s?” I asked and he grinned. There was this little bar across town run by the Pomero family. I eat there a lot since it’s near the shop and they’ll deep fry anything for me. It’s called Butter Fingers. I go there with Cas every once in a while, but he knows I love their pie puffs and I know he’s got some for me. “Give me,” I murmured nuzzling his neck.
“In the kitchen,” he said and I ran to them. He got apple ones. I was in heaven.
“But really, what are your thoughts on children?” I asked. We were in bed and he was leafing through a magazine about porches. I was fighting sleep, but we needed to discuss these things. Cas shrugged.
“Either we adopt or do surrogacy, but I’d want a baby this time. Mostly because I think it’ll be easier on Clea … and I want a baby. I want a little tiny baby so bad.” He set his magazine down and stared at me.
“I know Cas, I know baby,” I said and leaned over and kissed his hip. He dragged his fingers through my hair and I groaned. “Fuck me,” I whispered biting his hip.
“Clea …”
“Doesn’t have nightmares every night anymore,” I said pushing myself up and kissing his chest.
“But-” I clamped my hand over his mouth and smiled.
“We are not playing the excuse game tonight. You know I hate that shit,” I hissed in his ear before nibbling it. He moaned and grabbed at my back scratching and clawing. I licked and kissed his neck. “Stop worrying,” I moaned straddling his lap. He was already very hard. It never took much to get him going. I smiled again. “If I move my hand you’re gonna be a good boy right?” he said something that came out garbled. “I’m warning you,” I said and ground my hips against him and he fell silent. I moved my hand and kissed his lips. “Much better,” I groaned sliding my hands up his chest kissing him harder. As much as I missed fucking twice a day in various locations, I was glad to finally have a bed that we wouldn’t break or fall out of.
I was the first one up which wasn’t normal. It happened when Cas was sick or extremely stressed. I felt his forehead before I got up and since I didn’t feel warm, so I started to wonder.
I fixed cereal for Clea and went to wake her up and it began. We were barely into the year and she was digging her nails into my arm and hitting me as I tried to get her out of bed. “Come on baby girl, it’s only school,” I said prying her fingers off my forearm. “Want me to go in with you? I can go in and see your teacher with you if you’d like.” Last year, with kindergarten, she hadn’t wanted to go and she’d scream bloody murder. When got a lot of her anxiety worked out though and by the time school resumed after winter break she wasn’t fighting us. She’d already gone for two weeks and we’d heard no complaints from her or teachers, so this worried me. “Come on Clea,” I said and she scrambled away from me hitting my hands if I got too close. I wanted to go get Cas.
Finally I scooped her up and carried her into the living room. She pulled my hair and struggled and when she went to scratch my face I pinned her arms to her sides. In therapy they’d wrap her in the rug or a blanket until she stopped and calmed down. “Clea,” I said calmly and sat next to her. “Why don’t you want to go to school?”
“I hate school,” she said and I shook my head.
“You love school. Think about all the books and activities they have there,” I told her and slowly let go of her arms.
“I wanna go on the swings at recess,” she said to me and I nodded.
“Then we’ll just have to practice getting on and off the swings,” I said putting her in my lap. “Is that all?” she nodded and I sighed. So much anger and frustration just because of the swings. “Now come on I’ve got cereal,” I said and took her into the kitchen. We I ate cereal Cas complained and stood in front of the fridge apologizing to the food he wouldn’t be cooking, so I ate it when he wasn’t here to avoid those situations. I poured her some Lucky Charms and sat across from her. “Are you sure that’s all?” I asked and she nodded.
“Where’s daddy?” she asked picking out the marshmallows and eating them.
“Asleep. He’s tired,” I said and she nodded again and poured milk in the rest of her cereal. I hoped he was just tired.
“So your car?” she asked hopefully.
“Cleabee I don’t drive the other thing,” I laughed and cleared the table.
“I don’t wanna wear shoes today,” she said and I raised an eyebrow.
“You have to wear shoes in school. It’s a rule.”
“Don’t wanna,” she said slamming her spoon on the table.
“Clea,” I warned and she glared at me. “Finish eating,” I said bringing her wheelchair into the kitchen. “Then go get dressed,” I said and went to shower and get dressed. Hopefully she’d do what I asked.
“Hard morning?” Cas asked. He was reading another magazine. It was a parenting magazine.
“She’s really angry. Didn’t want to go to school, doesn’t want to wear shoes … are you sure she isn’t your biological child?” I asked and he smiled.
“I’ll call Dr. Gomez,” he said and I nodded. Normally Clea went to therapy once a week for two hours. If there were incidents like this though we could call and come in. she used to go to therapy three or four times a week.
I finished dressing and crawled onto the bed to kiss him. “Why are you still in bed?” I asked.
“Mmm not feeling good,” he said looking down and I sighed and lifted his chin.
“Tell me when I get back?” he nodded and I headed to Clea’s room. She wore an orange t-shirt under overall shorts and her red cowboy boots. “Come on then Clea,” I said heading to the living room.
“My hair!” she exclaimed and I searched for her backpack. I still had to make her lunch. Cas was so much better at this then I was.
“Go to Cas!” I told her as I looked around for peanut butter and jelly. There was hardly any peanut butter thanks to Cas who eats it off a spoon when he thinks no one is looking. She came back with two French braids and I handed her the knife to lick the peanut butter off. So much like Cas.
We went out and I piled her into my baby and we were off. “Do you still want me to come in with you?” I asked and she nodded.
“And I want another horse,” she added and I smiled.
“You’ll have to ask Cas,” I said and she nodded. Cas had refused to paint a mural of the wild west in my room, so when we got Clea he put it there and over the years he’s added horses to it. There are twelve right now and she has named each one.
When we got to school I got her out and helped Jo manhandle her little one out of her car before heading in with Clea. She stayed close to me. I checked in at the front desk and then knelt down in front of her. “Okay, now you gotta show me where your class is. I don’t know where I’m going.” She nodded and took my hand and headed down the hall.
Her classroom was 1C and it was about half full when we arrived. She didn’t want to go inside. “Come on Cleebee,” I urged and she squeezed my hand tighter. I smoothed her hair. I was really wishing Cas was here. He was better at these situations where as I just wanted to take her away and go do something fun to make her smile.
“Excuse me, but don’t you want to come in Clea?” her teacher asked coming to the door. She was a short Asian woman who looked barely my age. Her name was Ms. Hwang and Jo’s kids both had her so we had heard good things so I knew it wasn’t the teacher that Clea didn’t like.
“I want papa,” she said quietly.
“Cas is at home Clea,” I said. “You gotta go to school and have fun so that you can tell us all about it.”
“We have a lot planned for today Clea,” Ms. Hwang tried and Clea shook her head.
“Please Clea?” I asked and she held my hand tighter.
“Hi Clea!” her little friend Bree called from in the classroom.
“Don’t you want to go in and see Bree?” I asked and Clea shrugged. I shot an apologetic look at the teacher as the bell rang. “Come on Clea,” I said trying not to become annoyed. She finally nodded and we went inside, but she didn’t let go of my hand for another fifteen minutes.
“Stressed already Dean?” Mr. Mason said as I tore through a junker looking for engine parts. I wiped my brow and shrugged. He sipped his water and handed me a wrench. He was good at reading people, but then again my body language wasn’t suggesting otherwise.
“Something’s up with Cas and Clea was hard this morning,” I told him.
“Hasn’t she been being good lately?”
“Yeah, but something’s up … always when it’s been good something goes wrong,” I said yanking nuts loose wiping sweat out of my eyes again. This was probably too rusty to be worth my time, but I was already involved with it. “And Cas is freaking out again about money. Always about money,” I grunted ripping a screw out, “and that means I’m going to need another job. He doesn’t want me to, but we need to. I need to. If there’s another kid we need it at least for a little.”
“I wish I could pay you more,” Mr. Mason said and I instantly shot him an apologetic look. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad. He smiled. “I know, I know I’m just saying. What do you think about doing?”
“Well …” I shrugged and headed towards the car in the shop. I had some ideas. Cas always freaked and stressed about money. The only way to get him to shut up half the time was to have so much sex he was exhausted.
“I know both of you did odd jobs before moving here. Your resume had at least fifteen names,” Mr. Mason said following me into the shop.
“Yeah I know. I guess I was considering, well okay see I got my EMT certification while Cas was doing his college stuff just in case I was gonna hang around and I never really used it until Katrina. We were down there with the Red Cross and I’d never be a doctor, too much school, but I could do that again or try nursing I guess. Maybe,” I said rummaging through drawers to find a screw driver.
“You were in New Orleans?”
“Yeah it was Cas’ idea. We’d already volunteered once with Red Cross when we were in Florida so we had connections and shit. I didn’t realize it was gonna be like that though … we don’t talk about Katrina much. There are too many sad memories.”
“I can imagine,” he said and was quiet after that as I worked. I checked to see if he’d fallen asleep, which happened often, but he was just sitting and watching me. “Is that how you found Clea? Those connections?”
“Oh no Cas has a friend Chuck who works for CPS or something and he told us about Clea. Said she was darling and all that and everything about her situation. Cas barely let him finish before he was dragging me to the car yelling about Denver,” I said and smiled remembering it. I’d been wary, but all Cas heard was there was a child we could take home in a few days. We’d been through paper work and stuff to adopt and/or foster had been cleared, so Chuck was looking out for a kid for us. It was Cas’ dream come true and the moment I saw her it was mine too. Sure it was difficult. The beginning was overwhelmingly hard, but we got through it and I’m glad Clea, even on days where she is difficult, is my daughter.
“So nursing, I bet you’d be good at that. It’s a lot of work, but you’re a hard worker,” Mr. Mason laughed and I shrugged.
“Depends on expense. If it’s more than it’s worth I’ll do EMT stuff again. I didn’t mind doing that. You get to drive fast,” I said with a grin and Mr. Mason laughed.
I was glad Clea seemed to be in a better mood when I picked her up. We were going to Jo’s for a while since she needed me to fix a ceiling fan she couldn’t reach. Charlie demanded to ride with us and Clea was glad. I didn’t mind either and laughed at Jo as she drove by in her SUV.
“Turn it up!” Clea shouted as Led Zeppelin came through the speakers. I smiled and turned it up; her and Charlie singing with me. She was in a much better mood.
Jo carried Clea into the house. She took an opportunity she got to keep Clea as her own since her house was filled with boys who wouldn’t play with dolls even if she tried. It was always a little strange to see her like this. I’d always known her as the tomboy who’d challenge me to an arm wrestling match and worked in her mothers’ bar, so to see her fawn over Clea was always a little shocking. If I brought it up she threatened to kick my ass and show me what it was really like to be a man.
I brought the wheelchair in and then picked up Charlie and held him upside down while walking into the kitchen. Alex had already disappeared upstairs. Jo returned with a ladder and I took Charlie and Clea’s wheelchair into the backyard. She was eyeing the swing set.
“Want help?” I asked and she shook her head.
“I can do it daddy,” she said staring at the swing.
“But what about your wheelchair? How are you going to move it after you get on the swing?”
“Doesn’t Charlie have recess with you Clee?” Alex called out his window upstairs.
“I DO!” Charlie shouted from the slide.
“Can you move it then?” she asked him and he nodded running over.
“Go try then,” I encouraged. She went over to the swing and hoisted herself onto it. Her arms were so tiny; I was always surprised by how strong she was. Charlie gladly got into her wheelchair and moved it. “You’ve gotta remember to give it back,” I reminded him and he nodded.
“Yeah I know Dean,” he told me and ran back to the slide.
“Now move your upper body Cleebee,” I said and she started trying and I smiled going back inside.
Jo was in the living room with a stool and a screwdriver. I got up and started taking the fan down. “Where’s Danny-boy?” I asked. Her husband was usually home since he worked from his office upstairs as an editor for ads put out the by army and marines and stuff.
“Fishing. Remember? He always goes out and he always invites you and Cas, but Cas can’t sit still and you said you had to work,” she said and I nodded.
“We’ve gone other times,” I reminded her. Cas really couldn’t sit still. He could when he was painting, but fishing drove him nearly insane. We went last spring and I made Cas stay on shore and sketch so that he wouldn’t piss off Danny or his two other friends.
I handed the fan to Jo who took it into the kitchen and I peeked out at Clea before following. She was still swinging.
“I’m thinking about getting another job,” I said casually as I took a look at the motor. Jo snorted.
“You work at the shop and the restaurant AND you’ll do odd jobs like weeding or repaving driveways or buying old people their groceries. You need more? As it is I never imagined you’d do this much work. Your dad never thought you would and mom always offered you a job, but you decided to run around the country.”
“Yeah and I did a lot of work Jo, god you sound like my dad,” I said rolling my eyes and tinkering with the motor. She laughed and went to the fridge taking out iced tea.
“What do you have in mind?” she asked drinking from the pitcher.
“Really Jo?”
“My tea, my rules, and tell me about this job idea!” she demanded.
“Alright, alright, but I haven’t discussed it with Cas yet so hush, but I was either thinking of going back to being an EMT or maybe nursing if the schooling isn’t too much and won’t take too long. We need more steady income if we’re gonna have another kid.”
“Wait what?! Another?! When? Who? What?!” she practically screamed. This was exactly how she reacted when we were thinking about adopting before we got Clea and then when we got Clea. I smiled and shrugged.
“We’ve been considering it for a while and after Cas stops stressing about money we will start the paper work … although I know he’s still considering a surrogate, so we’ll see.”
“That’s great though! A boy? I gotta call mom,” she said reaching for the phone. I groaned and she grinned. “She’s gotta hear Dean. After all she did for you and all you owe it to her.”
“She did it cause she thought I was hot,” I complained and she laughed harder.
“Yeah but she also saw your potential. Like Bobby,” she said and I shrugged. It was true that Ellen, Jo’s mom, had done a lot for me and even Cas. She called friends of hers who found us jobs in odd places. She let us stay in her grandmother’s house one winter when we were out in Michigan and there were terrible ice storms. She helped a lot. “I’m calling,” she stated and wandered off dialing the phone. As I fixed the fan I heard her yell to the boys and Clea to say hi to grandma.
After a little while she wandered back to hang up the phone. “She demanded to talk to you but I said you were doing work, so she’ll probably call you later.”
“Alright,” I said and took the fan back into the living room. Talking to Ellen always made me feel guilty that I hadn’t seen her in so long. We saw her for the 4th of July; same with Bobby and Jody. I also knew I should call her more often. Guilt.
I finished the fan and Jo thanked me profusely and I headed out with Clea. We drove to Waldo Canyon and parked and lifted her out and sat her on our bench. Occasionally I’d bring her out here and we would look at the scenery. I went to my trunk and lifted out the cooler. I took out a beer and a bottle of orange soda. Only when we did this did she get her special drink and it was our secret. I opened it and handed it to her before sitting down. She leaned against me.
“What is it daddy?” she asked quietly and I smoothed her hair.
“Just thinking about how there aren’t enough hours in the day,” I said taking a sip and looking up at the sky.
“There are a lot of hours in the day. There are twenty-four,” she told me and I nodded.
“And how many months are there?”
“Twelve in a year and there are seven days in a week and three hundred sixty five days in a year,” she told me and I smiled.
“And when is your birthday?”
“October 8th, 2005,” she said and I smiled. “And yours is January 24th, 1979 and papas is March 13th, 1981. I know all this daddy. Ask me something hard.” I thought for a moment.
“When did I meet Cas?”
“I said hard,” she giggled. “But January 17th, 2002 outside of where he worked. At Fresh.”
“Very good,” I said and she grinned drinking her soda. She liked knowing dates and random facts and she always asked for stories about me and Cas. Cas would tell her stories about us when we were younger before she went to bed. “When did we start dating?”
“I said hard!” she whined. “May 20th, 2002. He finally asked you out after you forced him into it because you wanted to hear him say it.” I laughed.
“Did not,” I laughed. It was something like that though. I did want to hear him admit to liking me and all. I knew it, but I wanted to hear it.
“When did my mom get sick?”
“The first or the second time?” Clea asked.
“Second.”
“She was diagnosed March 4th, 1983 and she had uncle Sam in her tummy right? And that’s why she couldn’t get her medicine right away?”
“That’s what I was told and it makes sense. The medicine would have killed the baby in her stomach. She knew it was back around the time she found out she was pregnant, but she wanted Sammy so bad …” I regretted bringing up my mom. I usually avoided it. I could barely remember what she looked like since I was four when she passed away. Clea rubbed my arm.
“We are doing songs from the Lion King in choir,” Clea told me. She loved music class. “And wiffleball in gym. We were throwing today.”
“Are you good?”
“Of course. I told Bree how we’d go to the park in the summer,” she said with a grin. “Oh and guess what?!” she exclaimed.
“What?”
“My tooth is loose!” she said happily. I smiled.
“Finally right?” most of her class had started losing their teeth in kindergarten and she was anxious to have it happen to her.
“Yeah. Ask me another date,” she said and played with my hand.
“Hmm Anna’s birthday.”
“We haven’t seen them in so long,” Clea said and I nodded. Cas’ brothers were busy and he wasn’t fond of them visiting. We saw them last Christmas though. “Her birthday is September 3rd, 1998 and Uncle Michael’s is December 21st, 1971 and Aunt Mary is June 12th, 1974.”
“What about Gabe and Balt?”
“Uncle Gabe’s is July 30th, 1974 and uncle Balt is February 22nd, 1973.” I grinned and picked her up. She was better at remembering dates then I was and sometimes I used her as a calendar. “I wanna go swimming.”
“It’s getting cold out though Clee. It’s going to be fall soon.” She shrugged and I put our empty bottles in the trunk.
“We can go to an indoor pool. Bree goes to the YMCA and swims,” she said. We spent a lot of this summer swimming because while wearing a life jacket Clea felt confident to swim around herself and not be constantly clinging to me or Cas. I slung her over my shoulder. “Hey! I’m not a sack of potatoes!” she exclaimed and I laughed and started walking down the road.
“You’re my sack of potatoes,” I told her and she wiggled.
“Where are we going?”
“Just up here,” I said and walked a little further. I stopped on top of the hill overlooking part of the canyon. The sun was sinking low and I knew Cas would worry if we were any longer. I stared out at the world around us.
“Storms are coming,” she whispered and I nodded. There were dark clouds on the horizon. She clung tight to me. She didn’t do well with thunderstorms. Neither does any little kid really though. I remember crawling into bed with my dad and Sammy and then as I got older Sammy would crawl into my bed. Cas doesn’t remember, but Gabe said he’d cry and he’d go in there and gather up the blankets and make a fort and sleep with Cas in the fort during thunder storms.
“It’ll be okay Cleebee,” I reassured her and headed back to the car.
Cas was making dinner when we got home and Clea rushed off to help him. I wrapped my arms around him, kissed his cheek, and then headed out to the garage. I called Ellen and left a message and then decided to call Bobby.
“Hey Dean,” he whispered into the phone. I smiled.
“Marseille and Gwen asleep?” I asked.
“No, but if I talk loud they’ll wander in here and make noise and I won’t be able ta hear ya,” he said quietly and I laughed. “Don’t mock me boy,” he hissed. Marseille and Gwen were his five year old twins. He helped take care of me and Sam when we were young and honestly he was a better father then my own dad had been. I was glad that Bobby finally had children of his own. After he lost his first wife he had always doubted that he would. But here he was, a proud father.
“We’re actually thinking about extending our family,” I finally blurted out. The other end was silent. I heard the phone being set down and was starting to get worried. Then I heard one of the girls in the background.
“Daddy why are you crying?” I smiled and soon could hear Jody mocking Bobby and desperate attempts to convince her that he was not going soft. I laughed. He got emotional each time Sam or I talked about our children. He had gone soft. But that was okay with all of us.
“Shut it ya idjit I ain’t crying,” he snapped into the phone as I laughed.
“Alright, alright. Who’s with you?”
“Marseille. Marseille you wanna say hi to uncle Dean?”
“Hi uncle Dean!” her singsong voice said.
“Hi Marseille. How are you and how’s everyone?”
“We are good we went to kindergaren!”
“Kindergarten sweetie,” Bobby told her.
“Kinnergarden,” she told me and I was trying not to laugh.
“Who is on the phone!?” Gwen demanded.
“I’m on the phone!” Marseille snapped and a few moments later another line clicked on.
“Who’s this?!” Gwen asked and Marseille squawked.
“I’m on that phone call!” she shrieked into the phone. I heard Jody laughing in the background.
“Girls it’s my phone call,” Bobby interjected but they were too busy arguing. After about ten more minutes of arguing Bobby got the phone back and went outside.
“You and Sam were never that much trouble,” he griped and I laughed.
“We didn’t have Singer blood,” I said.
“There’s an insult in there somewhere but I’m too tired to figure it out. You better watch yourself Dean,” he warned with a laugh. “So another kid. Clea want a sibling?”
“Yeah and the timing is just starting to feel right even though it’ll put us in a money crunch. I might get another job.”
“Don’t wear yourself out boy or you won’t be there for your kids,” he said and I knew he was referring to my own dad.
“I definitely won’t. I just know we’d both relax if we had more of a cushion.”
“I guess. She doing alright? And Cas too?”
“Yeah we’ve avoid the ER and her therapist has been saying she’s doing better and better. We had a bit of school anxiety, but it didn’t lead to anything serious. I think that puts Cas at ease too. He’s doing good. No ulcers so far.”
“Keep it that way,” Bobby said.
“I know, we try,” I told him. It was true. Cas was trying to be less stressed. After his second time with stomach ulcers he was really making a point to take better care of himself. That’s also why I knew I needed another job. I didn’t want Cas to get sick again. It was finally looking like we weren’t going to be regulars in the ER anymore because of Clea and I didn’t want to start going there all the time because of Cas. Besides, being in the ER and then on the adult floor … well it brought back vague memories of my mom and memories of Sam and it brought back feelings I’d rather not have. I hated the hospital.
“Alright well I gotta put two little monsters to bed,” Bobby said and I heard one of the twins calling for him.
“Okay, I just wanted to tell you what we were thinking,” I said and could almost hear him nod.
“Tell John,” he told me.
“I will. Bye Bobby,” I said and hung up before heading back inside. I heard Clea in the tub talking to Cas about music class. I poked my head in. They were both nestled in the tub painting with washable tub paints that Cas got as a gag gift a while ago. She loved them. “Room for one more?” I asked and Clea frowned.
“It’s my papa time!” she whined and I smiled.
“Alright, but don’t let him get too pruny Cleebee. It’s almost his bedtime,” I said heading to her room to get her pajamas ready. I picked out a nightgown with horses on it. Cas brought her in wrapped in her duck towel and handed her off to me.
“What am I reading tonight?” I asked and she got dressed.
“Where the Sidewalk Ends.”
“That poem or that book?”
“That book and that poem,” she laughed and I sat on her bed and placed her in my lap. She opened the book and I started brushing her hair. “There is a place where the sidewalk ends. And before the street begins, and there the grass grows soft and white, and there the sun burns crimson bright, and there the moon-bird rests from his flight to cool in the peppermint wind.” I knew the poem by heart since it was her favorite. She was asleep against my chest by the end. I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. Cas slipped in as I was shutting off the light and kissed her goodnight. I caught his wrist as he was leaving. I pulled him close and rested my head on his chest.
“I told Bobby and Jo and Jo told Ellen that we were thinking to expand,” I said quietly and he stroked my hair.
“That’s good. We’ve got to tell my brothers and your dad next,” he said and I groaned. Things were still rocky with my dad. They always would be. “Hey, you have one person to tell and I have three,” Cas said and I laughed.
“No way am I doing it for you,” I murmured and pushed him back towards our room. He whined and I slapped his ass. “Hush, you’ll be fine.”