Status: ongoing
Our Life, Our Girl
Past
I jerked awake to pounding on my front door. 4:18am. I peeled my face off my textbook and got up. I rubbed my eyes as I stumbled towards the door. “Who is it?” I asked turning the lock.
“Come on baby brother I’m freezing my ass off out here.”
I tried to turn the lock back, but Gabe already grabbed the doorknob and turned it opening the door and forcing it open. He grinned and I scowled.
“Took a redeye,” he explained.
“Why?”
“Spur of the moment,” he said and I narrowed my eyes.
“What’d you do?” I hissed relocking the door. This wouldn’t be the first time I was dragged into my brothers’ messes. He pouted.
“What makes you say that? I haven’t been out here in a year and I just … love your dumpy apartment.”
“What about the shop?” I asked. He was a pastry chef and owned a bakery called Trickster’s Treats.
“Mmm left it to Kali,” he said. She was his girlfriend. I think. I rubbed my eyes more and went back to my room. He followed. “Let’s get breakfast. I’m hungry.”
“I have school in the morning,” I grumbled and crawled into bed.
“Cas, why do you even do this to yourself? You’re a talented chef and yet you are putting yourself through hell for a pointless art thing.”
“IT’S NOT FUCKING POINTLESS!” I screamed at him. Another reason I avoided my brother’s was this argument. I wanted to do it and they never listened. I just wanted support. Gabe sat on my bed.
“Come on baby boy. There’s no need to get all grumpy. We are getting breakfast,” he said and I turned away from him.
“Why are you here?”
“I took a redeye I already-”
“No shit. I mean really,” I snapped.
“Always so grumpy in the morning,” he said and reached over to ruffle my hair. I batted his hand away.
“I’m not fucking five years old,” I barked and burned myself under my pillows.
“It’s my turn to check on you. You don’t return our calls … Michael worries.”
“I saw you at Christmas. It’s January.”
“Michael said to and I used his miles and this was the cheapest flight,” he told me and I scowled. They were always checking up on me at random times.
“You need to leave tonight,” I said to him and he shrugged. “No I mean it Gabe,” I whined.
“Sorry baby bro, there are things I gotta check out for Kali before I head back. I leave on Saturday.” He said and I threw my pillow at him. He was going to ruin everything. Tomorrow I was celebrating Dean’s birthday and I was making him a cake and he promised to pick me up from work. We were both so busy during his actual birthday and I asked if he wanted to do anything to celebrate and we decided on today. I didn’t know if I should get him a present though. I wasn’t sure. I mean, I normally got my friends presents for their birthdays but what if Dean didn’t? “Now get up before I carry you to the shower.” I kicked him but reluctantly got up and went into the bathroom.
When I got out Gabe was sitting at the counter sipping coffee. “Who are Dean and Sam?” he asked and I stared. He held out a piece of paper that had been taped to the fridge with their phone numbers.
“Fuck off,” I growled and slunk into my room to change.
“Christ bro, I forgot how much of a little bitch you are without food. But who are they? I’ve never heard of them?”
“Bite me,” I muttered getting dressed and packing my back pack. I doubted there’d be time to come here before class. He picked up the phone and started dialing Sam’s number. “Fucktard he lives in California!” I snapped snatching the phone away and hanging it up. “That means it’s three am there!”
“Calm down Castiel. So he’s in California?” he asked and I glared at him.
“I’m friends with Dean who lives here and is Sam’s brother. I met Sam briefly and he gave me his number in case Dean runs into more trouble.”
“More trouble?” Gabe asked raising his eyebrows. I scowled and threw open the front door.
“Let’s just go eat,” I muttered and headed out.
I had to fight sleep all through class and when I finally returned home I wanted to scream. Denny’s at five in the morning was one thing. Gabe grilling me about Dean was another. But to come home to find him baking in my kitchen was another. There were at least six dozen cupcakes of different flavors on the counter.
“I’m baking for a convention tomorrow. It’s what Kali wanted me to go to and I’ve got a station at the cupcake center,” he simply said as I threw my books on the couch and slammed my door. “What is it bro?” he called and I sat on the floor and ignored him. He was ruining everything. Dean wouldn’t want to eat my cake if Gabe was here to bake. Not to mention Gabe was overly friendly and teasing and would make fun of me and probably Dean and school was horrible and I just wanted to do this and as always my brothers found a way to mess it up. My door opened.
“Go away Gabe,” I said tiredly and started gathering my work clothes. There wasn’t even a point to baking the cake if he was going to hog the kitchen.
“Castiel you’re acting like a ten year old,” he said and I shrugged.
“I don’t want you here,” I mumbled.
“Well tough luck kid. I’ll be gone shortly,” he said and I groaned. He went back to baking and I curled up on the floor.
Apparently I fell asleep because Gabe was suddenly shaking me awake and handing me the phone. “Mmphm,” I grunted.
“Cas? It’s Dean.” I snapped awake. This was him calling to say he was going out with other friends. I was sure of it.
“Hi,” I said quietly and glared at Gabe who stood in my doorway.
“So your brother is there?”
“Yeah…” I said cursing myself for sleeping and allowing Gabe to answer the phone.
“Yeah he said he’s gonna be there a few days and you’re upset.”
“I’m not upset!” I growled and Dean laughed.
“Easy there Cas. I’m calling well, it might be hard now, but I got another favor. And I completely understand if you can’t because you brother is there and all…” he trailed off and I waited. I’d do any favor for Dean. Gabe or no Gabe.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Well, the closest thing I have to a sister decided to be a little shit and ditch school and take a bus out to visit me.” There was yelling in the background. “While I’m flattered, I don’t want her staying here with these weirdos even though Ash is here and all. So could she stay with you tonight? I figured I’d be there too if there’s room and I’m putting her on a bus tomorrow to go home and you could consider it a favor since it’s my birthday.”
“It’s not really your birthday.”
“Caaaaaaaas,” he whined and I laughed. I don’t think I’d ever heard him beg like this. It made my stomach flutter.
“Yeah that sounds fine,” I said filled with an overwhelming amount of relief that he was still going to be here despite Gabe.
“Sure there’s room?”
“Gabe can sleep on the floor,” I said. Dean and his sister or whoever could have the couch, but there was no way I was sharing my bed with Gabe. It might be full sized, but there was no way.
“Alright I’ll get you from work,” he said and hung up.
“He staying here?!” Gabe asked intrigued.
“Yeah with his sister.”
“So you aren’t together?” he asked.
“No.”
“I’m disappointed baby bro,” he said and I threw a textbook at him.
During my break I headed over to the corner store. I wouldn’t have time to make cake like I’d planned, so I was hoping to find cupcakes. All I found was apple pie. I got an apple pie, candles, a card, and a six pack.
From there work went impossibly slow. We were starting to clean up when the front door opened and I got excited only to see that it wasn’t Dean. Daniel, who was filling in for Ian, went out to tell her were almost closed and then he was calling for me. I went over to the girl. She was wearing ripped jeans, a Nirvana tshirt, a red and orange plaid coat, high tops, chewing a large wad of gum, and had green streaks in her blonde hair. “I’m Jo,” she said and I nodded slowly. “With Dean. God he didn’t even tell you my name? What an ass,” she gripped and sat down on a chair and started picking at her nail polish.
“Oh,” was all I could think to say.
“Yeah he sent me in cause he had to get gas and didn’t want you to think he forgot. So here I am. You almost ready?” she asked and I nodded.
“Just gotta get my coat,” I said heading back into the kitchen. Taylor and Becca raised their eyebrows. “His sister,” I stated getting my coat and bag. I went back out to Jo after saying goodbye to everyone and then lead her out the back door. “So I’m Cas,” I said awkwardly as we waited and she nodded.
“Yeah he said that,” she said leaning against the wall and wrapping her arms around herself.
“So where are you from?”
“Nebraska. You? Or are you from here?”
“No I’m originally from Texas. I came here to get away from family.” I said and she nodded.
“I like it here, but I don’t know if I could ever leave my mom permanently since it’s just her and all,” she said.
“So how old are you?”
“Sixteen. Why? How old are you?”
“Twenty-one,” I told her and she snorted.
“Yeah okay. Whatever you tell yourself to get you through the day,” she laughed.
“I’m serious!” I protested and she laughed harder. She sounded like Dean. I was relieved to hear the rumble of the Impala’s engine in the parking lot.
“I hope she didn’t bother you,” Dean said pulling up besides us and I shook my head. “Good. In the back little girl,” he added and Jo stuck out her tongue at him and we got in. “What’s in the bag?”
“Well … I was gonna make you a cake but my brother got in the way and I ran out of time, so I got pie. I hope that’s alright. I know it’s not cake and it’s kinda your birth-”
“Cas stop. If I could I’d eat pie all day every day. I love it way more than cake,” he told me and I grinned.
“It’s true. It’s a miracle he isn’t a fatass,” Jo called from the backseat and he rolled his eyes.
“Stop being grumpy because I’m sending you home tomorrow, it’s my birthday, have some respect!” he told her and she rolled her eyes this time.
“Ash wouldn’t have sent me back,” she grumbled. “And it’s not your birthday.”
“Too bad you came to see me then and it’s close enough,” he teased and she kicked his seat making him squawk and threaten to pull over and make her walk. I was laughing hard by the time we finally parked.
We headed up to my apartment and sadly I could hear the 80s pop from the first floor. Dean looked at me and I sighed. I opened the door to find Gabriel putting finishing touches on a batch of cupcakes. He grinned.
“Welcome! You must be Dean-o and is this your sister?”
“Yeah …I’m Dean and this is Jo …” Dean said and Jo went over and sat on the couch.
“He’s a baker and taking his cupcakes to a thing tomorrow,” I explained and Dean sat by Jo.
“You’re a good painter,” Jo commented and I blushed.
“I hate doing flowers though,” I said looking at the half done tiger lilies. I chose them for the orange. It was my favorite color … although lately I’ve been falling in love with different shades of green.
“You’re always so critical,” Dean mused.
“At least he talks about his art with you,” Gabe added and I shot him a look. He chuckled to himself.
We spent the rest of the night drinking and eating pie and talking loudly over Gabe’s music. Jo kept trying to get beer and Dean wouldn’t let her. Then we played a shitty game of charades. We sang to Dean and he cut the pie his way. Half for him and half for us three.
Around 3 am Jo was asleep on the couch and Gabe was in my bed. I sat on the floor next to Dean eating another of the cupcakes Gabe messed up on.
“Your brother seems nice,” Dean said and I rolled my eyes.
“He’s not mean or anything, but he’s obnoxious and annoying and does whatever he wants and messes with things and people and he loves teasing me and anyone he can,” I explained.
“I bet you were at the short end of the stick being the baby huh?”
“Yeah have no idea,” I said. “I have so many terrifying memories from torture he put me through. We were once at a Laundromat and he shut me in a washer and wouldn’t let me out until he left. I was five.” Dean laughed and I glared. “Hey I was traumatized!”
“Shh they are sleeping,” he chuckled and covered my mouth with his hand. My breath caught and I felt my cheeks burning. He grinned. “I can imagine it was. I bet you were crying and sobbing, but it’s still hilarious.” I frowned and he moved his hand.
“You ever do stuff like that to Sam?” I asked and he shook his head.
“I mean yeah I teased him endlessly, but nothing cruel like that. I guess it’s cause I spent a lot of time looking out for him. Half the time he had his nose buried in a book and would almost walk into oncoming traffic if I didn’t stop him.”
“Bet that was stressful.”
“You have no idea,” he laughed. “He used it to cope though. So I let him off the hook. Our dad wasn’t around much because he absorbed himself in work after my mom … and for a while we were raised by a friend of our dad’s. Sam hated that and changing schools a few times and just being a stupid teenager and all that,” Dean laughed quietly and I nodded. His laugh was forced. “I have another brother you know.” He said quietly and I looked at him in surprise.
“A real brother or like Jo?”
“Real. He’s a half-brother and he’s like 12 or something. It was a one night stand but in 1995 they got married and came to live with us. I have no problem with him, but he gets there and he’s five and I’m sixteen? There was no way I could really care.”
“Oh,” was all I could say.
“Sorry,” he said with a smile. “I’ll change the subject. Don’t you have class in the morning?” I groaned and shook my head.
“Not going. I’ll just go to work.”
“Bad Cas,” he teased and I stuck out my tongue. “Alright, alright, but I’m gonna shower now and sleep. I’ve got things to do before art.” I nodded and stood. At least for the next two weeks they were working with a female nude before I was going to be naked again. “But first here I’ll pick Jo up and can you undo the couch?”
“Yeah no problem,” I said and he picked her up and I pulled out the couch and got blankets and pillows before going into my room.
I sat on my bed glad Gabe didn’t snore and listened to Dean take a quick shower and then lay down and go to bed. I finally lay back and stared at the ceiling.
“I bet he can read you like an open book little bro,” Gabe mumbled making me jump. I thought he was sleeping.
“Shut up,” I muttered and turned on my side and fell asleep.
The apartment was empty when I woke up. There were two notes taped to the coffee pot and a coupon for a free drink at the Roadhouse. I figured that was from Jo. The note from Gabe said that he’d gone to the conference thing and he’d be back late. The note from Dean said he’d pick me up and take me to the school for work.
I sighed and got cereal from the cabinet. As I was pouring milk into the bowl I heard meowing at the window. It was Chuck’s, who lived above me, cat. He was a big grey tabby with bright blue eyes. He’d started coming into my apartment because I’d open the window when I painted. I let him in and set a bowl of water out for him and gave him a treat. His name was God. When Chuck first told me I’d asked if he thought it was disrespectful and he’d shrugged and told me until he met God it might as well be the name of his fluffy grey cat.
I scratched God’s head and then went back to my breakfast and he settled onto my lap. That’s when I noticed something on the couch. There was a duffle bag. Specifically Dean’s duffle bag which he normally took back out to the car with him when he left. But he didn’t. I refused to look into it. Instead I picked up God and went to sit on the couch. It’d be wrong to open the bag …
I sat there staring until banging on the door startled me and God jumped off my lap. I hurried to the door. Dean. He grinned and came inside.
“I thought you had things to do?” I said confused.
“Yeah it’s almost 1:30. I finished them,” he said. I hadn’t realized it was that late. “You have a cat?”
“Mmm it’s Chuck’s cat. He just visits time to time,” I said and Dean nodded. I wandered over to the coffee pot and poured the cold coffee over some ice and drank it. I also gagged and he looked at me in alarm and I shook my head. “It’s nasty.” He laughed. Dean sat on the couch and I made my way over to him and sat on the other end. There was still a little time before work, and I really, really wanted to kiss him. Right now it was perfect and relaxed and his lips looked so inviting and I was pretty sure I was panting and the more I thought about really wanting to kiss him the harder I was starting to get. I picked up God instead. “How was getting Jo on the bus?”
“Hard,” he laughed. “She’s so stubborn. Her mom is going to lay into her, but it never stops her from doing what she wants. Her hair was their last big argument.”
“She was nice and a lot like you,” I told him and he shrugged.
“When Bobby, who is kind of our uncle, well when he took care of me and Sam we saw Jo a lot and she was always trying to keep up with us, especially me.”
“How long did he take care of you?” I asked and Dean thought.
“Mmm I was eight when we arrived and we only stayed a few weeks. Then in 90 we were there for almost three years. Most of it was my dad didn’t have a stable job and he tried dragging us around with him, but with school it was hard. In 94 he got a stable job again though and we moved back to the town I grew up in; Lawrence. Then he got remarried and all that. What about you? You said you lived with your grandfather for a while right?”
“Yeah,” I could sense that he didn’t really like talking about his past. “He lived with us until he died when I was eight. By then Michael was eighteen and working and our legal guardian. The five of us moved into a town house and it was crowded and I hated being the baby, but it that bad.”
“Five?”
“Oh well me and my two brothers, then Balthazar and then there was Mary who didn’t really live with us, but once she was eighteen she moved in with us because her household was a mess. She also helped with like rent and cleaning and stuff. And I always needed a babysitter they said,” I rolled my eyes. My brothers had been so annoying and treating me like I was five until I graduated high school.
“Oh … Mary was my mom’s name,” Dean said and I nodded. There was silence and he fiddled with the hem of his shirt. I wanted to ask what happened to her, but knew this probably wasn’t the most appropriate moment.
“I don’t really remember my grandfather,” I said to turn the conversation back on me. “He was my mom’s dad and I can’t even really picture him. He was in a nursing home, but left to stay with us. Michael said our other relatives wanted to take me and split us up because of the age difference, but grandfather didn’t want that. He was a concert pianist. I can’t remember his face, but I can hear his playing.”
“Do you know what your parents did?” Dean asked and I nodded. Most of the stories I got out of my grandfather, but a few were from Gabe and Michael.
“My mom was a concert cellist and my father designed concert halls. He was an architect.”
“So where did the painting and cooking come from?” he asked.
“Well my grandma, my mom’s mom, spent a lot of time drawing and painting and sculpting and every one in my family has been good at cooking. I’m pretty sure it comes more from my dad’s side of the family though. But Gabe’s baking comes from our mom,” I explained and Dean nodded.
“You know a lot,” he said and I agreed.
“For never having really met them yeah,” I said and there was more silence. I stroked God. “Are you going to stay here again tonight?” I blurted out and he grinned.
“I figured you’d need someone to protect you from your brother.” I smiled.
“Thank you,” I said quietly and he stood.
“Now go get ready for work,” he said and I gladly got up and disappeared into my room before I was overwhelmed with happiness. I set God down and pulled on a pair of jeans and a tshirt and then grabbed my sweatshirt and shoes.
When we got to the studio he went ahead and took his seat while I set up the podium for the model Clarissa. She was taller than me and had long legs and dark brown hair. After getting it set up, Mrs. Sheppard came in and started the class. I took a seat on the stool in the corner and flipped to a fresh page in my sketchbook. I’d never painted a nude model, but I’d drawn them before and I found women easier because they are more soft curves as opposed to harsh lines. I sketched out her legs and began work on her arms when I found my eyes drifting over to Dean.
He sat hunched over his work chewing on the end of his pencil as he drew lines with charcoal he borrowed from the girl next to him. I decided I’d offer him my art box next time. I watched his fingers drum quietly against the table top and then he stopped to push his sleeves up again leaving long lines of charcoal on his forearms. I watched him go back to drawing, twirling his pencil now. I had to remember to keep my mouth shut and turned my attention back to another fresh page and started sketching Dean.
I started with his jaw and then worked on his eye. I formed his nose before placing long eyelashes. His lips were easy, full and plump. I added a touch of stubble and s light shading of hair before moving to his neck and Adam’s apple. Then his shoulder and his shirt collar and I worked my way to his hand. His hands were perfect. His fingers were long and his nails were well kept. The more I stared the more little details I started noticing. By the time class was wrapping up I was adding a smattering of freckles to the sketch. I shut my sketch book quickly.
“I have a new hatred for charcoal,” Dean muttered as he scrubbed his hands and arms in the sink. I tried not to laugh.
“Yeah it’s a pain in the ass,” I said playing with the strings on the hood of my sweatshirt. He kept muttering and gave up after getting about two thirds of it.
“Wanna rent a movie?” he asked and I shrugged.
“I don’t really know what’s around. I haven’t been to the movies in forever,” I said and he laughed.
“We could get a classic or something or just watch TV or nothing. We don’t have to do it.”
“No we can.”
“Alright good because I’ve been dying to see Ocean’s Eleven,” he said as we put our coats on.
“What’s that about?”
“It’s a bunch of guys who are gonna rob one of the casinos in Vegas and they set up this huge scheme so that they don’t get caught. It’s got a lot of good people in it.”
“Okay,” I agreed and we headed out.
I loved the movie. I loved it and so did Dean and I couldn’t help but feel a little special that we got to share this moment. Gabe right at the end of it though so I couldn’t relish in the moment apart from in my head. Gabe complained about the window being open and didn’t notice God in my lap. Dean had to stifle his laughter. Then he told me the short version of how the convention or whatever went and how he got a shitton of praise for his cupcakes from top of the line bakers.
“We’re going running in the morning baby bro,” he told me as he got ready for bed. I scrunched up my nose.
“It’s fourteen degrees out. There’s no way,” I grumbled. He made me run with him all while I was in high school and that was enough.
“We are,” he said and I rolled my eyes and sank down on the couch. Luckily he went into my room and shut the door.
“Don’t give me puppy eyes I’m not running,” Dean said and tossed the throw pillow at me. I pouted and he started hitting me with the pillow until I was laughing.
“Fine. Fine!” I surrendered and he sat back.
“Are you going to show me what you drew?” he asked and I shook my head.
“Are you?”
“Not a chance Cas,” he said and I sighed.
“Just a peek?”
“Mmm nope. Maybe another day,” he offered and I groaned and he just grinned at me.
“You suck,” I whined.
“That I do,” he almost whispered and I watched him lick his lips and my heart jumped in my chest. I had to stop staring at his lips.
“How’s Sam?” I asked and he shrugged.
“I’ve called him a few times but he’s usually up to his eyeballs in work. He’s also got this friend I can’t stand, but she’s apparently in the same program and I think Sammy likes her.”
“He ever had a girlfriend?” I asked and Dean nodded.
“Surprisingly yes,” he joked. “It was casual and they went on little dates and held hands and kissed each other goodbye. He’s still a virgin though. I kept pushing and he said he wasn’t losing it in high school even though he really liked Jess. Ruby, that’s his friends, sounds like the complete opposite of Jess though so who knows what’ll happen,” Dean explained and I nodded.
“And what about you?” I asked nervously.
“Nope, no girlfriends,” he smirked and I rolled my eyes.
“Boyfriends?”
“I had one. It was like a two date thing and then there was Al and well, I guess there were also some random hookups, but nothing really serious.”
“Who’s Al?” I asked. He shrugged.
“I don’t talk about him,” he told me and before I could stop myself I blurted out,
“There are a lot of people you don’t talk about.”
“I know Cas, trust me I know, but I’ll tell you in due time. I usually make a point to avoid these deep conversations.”
“We can stop and I can go to bed …”
“Cas. Really? You think I’m going to let you off the hook without answering?” I rolled my eyes and flopped back.
“I was a quiet little shit in school. Part of it comes from kind of being alone at home with my siblings so much older. I also guess having your brother have to come to parent meetings and stuff messes with kids you know? I got picked on, but didn’t really care. I was outed by my best friend freshman year and it hurt, but again I was so absorbed in my own world that I didn’t care as much. For a while at least. Sophomore and junior year were hard, really hard and not academic wise, but that’s when I really got into painting and senior year I had a boyfriend. He broke up with me because I decided to go to culinary school instead of like a college.”
“I hate that. Whether you go to school or not shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t make you any more or less intelligent,” he ranted and I gave him a small smile.
“You’re the first person to ever tell me that,” I admitted.
“It’s true. School doesn’t do bullshit about your intelligence and all it does is sink people into debt and there’s no room for life or to grow as a person once you are trapped in the real world in some mediocre job.” I nodded. Those were my feelings exactly and yet I was pushing myself past my limits with school.
“So how did you come out?”
“Well I always knew I was gay, but I have this bad habit of, as Sam calls it, flirting with anything with legs. In high school everyone assumed I was bi and Sam finally asked one day and I told him the truth and his only condition was never let him catch me having sex,” he laughed. “Eventually my dad figured it out, but we never really talked about it. What’d your brothers think?”
“I think Michael knew all along, but he paid more attention to me like a parent might? But he was just like whatever. It was Gabe and Balthazar who wanted to have some celebration or something insane. They … I don’t even know if they know what sexual orientation means, but with the number of people, especially Balthazar, they’ve slept with well they couldn’t really judge you know?”
“Yeah, I think my dad was always hoping I’d change my mind. I was so intent on keeping the peace between him and Sam though there was never much time for us to argue until it came down to school and not wanting to be a Marine.”
“Your dad and Sam don’t get along?” I asked.
“Not really. They are too much alike and there is underlying anger and partial abandonment issues on Sam’s part. They butt heads a lot. They fought about Stanford endlessly even though he got a full ride.”
“Wow,” was all I could say. There wasn’t much arguing on my part. I usually got mad because I was being teased, but Michael and Gabriel would fight. Most of the time when they went out Balthazar would take me out of the house. Even in the middle of the night. That was his redeeming quality because I always felt sick when they were fighting and I’d curl into a ball and hope to disappear or something.
“Yeah…” he said and picked up God.
“Are you going tomorrow?”
“Yeah, but I’ll come back,” he said and I nodded. “You should go to bed Cas.”
“Not tired,” I said and he raised his eyebrows. “I’m not.”
“Your eyes betray you. After years of putting Sammy to bed I know that sleepy look. Go on, go get all snuggly in your bed.” He said in a baby voice and I grimaced and he laughed.
“It’s hard to get comfortable with Gabe taking up more than half the bed,” I muttered without thinking. “But I can survive,” I added quickly before he thought I wanted to sleep out here with him. Even though that is kind of what I wanted. I didn’t want to scare him away with that.
It was 17 degrees and I shivered as I ran trying to keep up with Gabe. “Are you sure you aren’t with him?” Gabe asked for the third time.
“Fuck off,” I hissed trying not to let my teeth chatter. We were running to a hot chocolate stand ten blocks away. I couldn’t feel my legs. Gabe laughed.
“What do you like about him anyway? He’s kinda jocky. I mean yeah he’s pretty and those lips, but what is it bro. Come on I need something to tell the others?” I glared at the back of Gabe’s head.
“He’s free,” I said quietly. It was the lamest answer I’d ever heard and immediately regretted opening my mouth. But I couldn’t put into words all the reasons I liked Dean. He was like a painting. There were too many components.
“What was that bro?” Gabe called and I rolled my eyes.
“He’s nothing like you assholes!” I yelled back and he laughed.
After running I dragged my easel into the middle of the living room. I then showered and took a nap before I got my paint and brushes ready, changed into my painting clothes, and put on a mixed tape. It had classic rock, opera, a few pop songs, a heavy metal track, and a handful of other songs. I found sometimes I needed specific music to paint, but more often than not a mixed tape put me in the best mindset because the variety kept me on my toes and changed the dynamic of what I was feeling and painting continuously, which I appreciated.
I screamed when ice cold fingers grabbed the back of my neck. I turned to find Dean with a huge grin on his face. “I called your name and everything and you were too absorbed,” he explained and I narrowed my eyes. I glanced at the clock to see that I’d been at it for almost four hours. I turned back to my painting. I had gotten a lot done. Then I felt his chin on my shoulder. I tensed up. “I like it,” he murmured and I shivered cause his breath tickled my skin. His breathing sounded so loud in my ear. I chewed on my lip. “Hungry?” he asked startling me.
“Yeah I guess,” I said not remembering when I ate. Probably before my nap. I think.
“Go wash paint off and we can go to the McDonald’s on the corner,” he said and sat on the couch.
“Gabe is leaving tomorrow,” I said quietly as I washed my brushes.
“Yeah I know,” he said and I turned to look at him.
“Are you?” I asked staring into his eyes and hoping I didn’t look like I was pleading him to stay. But all he did was smile and shrug.
“We’ll see.”
“Come on baby brother I’m freezing my ass off out here.”
I tried to turn the lock back, but Gabe already grabbed the doorknob and turned it opening the door and forcing it open. He grinned and I scowled.
“Took a redeye,” he explained.
“Why?”
“Spur of the moment,” he said and I narrowed my eyes.
“What’d you do?” I hissed relocking the door. This wouldn’t be the first time I was dragged into my brothers’ messes. He pouted.
“What makes you say that? I haven’t been out here in a year and I just … love your dumpy apartment.”
“What about the shop?” I asked. He was a pastry chef and owned a bakery called Trickster’s Treats.
“Mmm left it to Kali,” he said. She was his girlfriend. I think. I rubbed my eyes more and went back to my room. He followed. “Let’s get breakfast. I’m hungry.”
“I have school in the morning,” I grumbled and crawled into bed.
“Cas, why do you even do this to yourself? You’re a talented chef and yet you are putting yourself through hell for a pointless art thing.”
“IT’S NOT FUCKING POINTLESS!” I screamed at him. Another reason I avoided my brother’s was this argument. I wanted to do it and they never listened. I just wanted support. Gabe sat on my bed.
“Come on baby boy. There’s no need to get all grumpy. We are getting breakfast,” he said and I turned away from him.
“Why are you here?”
“I took a redeye I already-”
“No shit. I mean really,” I snapped.
“Always so grumpy in the morning,” he said and reached over to ruffle my hair. I batted his hand away.
“I’m not fucking five years old,” I barked and burned myself under my pillows.
“It’s my turn to check on you. You don’t return our calls … Michael worries.”
“I saw you at Christmas. It’s January.”
“Michael said to and I used his miles and this was the cheapest flight,” he told me and I scowled. They were always checking up on me at random times.
“You need to leave tonight,” I said to him and he shrugged. “No I mean it Gabe,” I whined.
“Sorry baby bro, there are things I gotta check out for Kali before I head back. I leave on Saturday.” He said and I threw my pillow at him. He was going to ruin everything. Tomorrow I was celebrating Dean’s birthday and I was making him a cake and he promised to pick me up from work. We were both so busy during his actual birthday and I asked if he wanted to do anything to celebrate and we decided on today. I didn’t know if I should get him a present though. I wasn’t sure. I mean, I normally got my friends presents for their birthdays but what if Dean didn’t? “Now get up before I carry you to the shower.” I kicked him but reluctantly got up and went into the bathroom.
When I got out Gabe was sitting at the counter sipping coffee. “Who are Dean and Sam?” he asked and I stared. He held out a piece of paper that had been taped to the fridge with their phone numbers.
“Fuck off,” I growled and slunk into my room to change.
“Christ bro, I forgot how much of a little bitch you are without food. But who are they? I’ve never heard of them?”
“Bite me,” I muttered getting dressed and packing my back pack. I doubted there’d be time to come here before class. He picked up the phone and started dialing Sam’s number. “Fucktard he lives in California!” I snapped snatching the phone away and hanging it up. “That means it’s three am there!”
“Calm down Castiel. So he’s in California?” he asked and I glared at him.
“I’m friends with Dean who lives here and is Sam’s brother. I met Sam briefly and he gave me his number in case Dean runs into more trouble.”
“More trouble?” Gabe asked raising his eyebrows. I scowled and threw open the front door.
“Let’s just go eat,” I muttered and headed out.
I had to fight sleep all through class and when I finally returned home I wanted to scream. Denny’s at five in the morning was one thing. Gabe grilling me about Dean was another. But to come home to find him baking in my kitchen was another. There were at least six dozen cupcakes of different flavors on the counter.
“I’m baking for a convention tomorrow. It’s what Kali wanted me to go to and I’ve got a station at the cupcake center,” he simply said as I threw my books on the couch and slammed my door. “What is it bro?” he called and I sat on the floor and ignored him. He was ruining everything. Dean wouldn’t want to eat my cake if Gabe was here to bake. Not to mention Gabe was overly friendly and teasing and would make fun of me and probably Dean and school was horrible and I just wanted to do this and as always my brothers found a way to mess it up. My door opened.
“Go away Gabe,” I said tiredly and started gathering my work clothes. There wasn’t even a point to baking the cake if he was going to hog the kitchen.
“Castiel you’re acting like a ten year old,” he said and I shrugged.
“I don’t want you here,” I mumbled.
“Well tough luck kid. I’ll be gone shortly,” he said and I groaned. He went back to baking and I curled up on the floor.
Apparently I fell asleep because Gabe was suddenly shaking me awake and handing me the phone. “Mmphm,” I grunted.
“Cas? It’s Dean.” I snapped awake. This was him calling to say he was going out with other friends. I was sure of it.
“Hi,” I said quietly and glared at Gabe who stood in my doorway.
“So your brother is there?”
“Yeah…” I said cursing myself for sleeping and allowing Gabe to answer the phone.
“Yeah he said he’s gonna be there a few days and you’re upset.”
“I’m not upset!” I growled and Dean laughed.
“Easy there Cas. I’m calling well, it might be hard now, but I got another favor. And I completely understand if you can’t because you brother is there and all…” he trailed off and I waited. I’d do any favor for Dean. Gabe or no Gabe.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Well, the closest thing I have to a sister decided to be a little shit and ditch school and take a bus out to visit me.” There was yelling in the background. “While I’m flattered, I don’t want her staying here with these weirdos even though Ash is here and all. So could she stay with you tonight? I figured I’d be there too if there’s room and I’m putting her on a bus tomorrow to go home and you could consider it a favor since it’s my birthday.”
“It’s not really your birthday.”
“Caaaaaaaas,” he whined and I laughed. I don’t think I’d ever heard him beg like this. It made my stomach flutter.
“Yeah that sounds fine,” I said filled with an overwhelming amount of relief that he was still going to be here despite Gabe.
“Sure there’s room?”
“Gabe can sleep on the floor,” I said. Dean and his sister or whoever could have the couch, but there was no way I was sharing my bed with Gabe. It might be full sized, but there was no way.
“Alright I’ll get you from work,” he said and hung up.
“He staying here?!” Gabe asked intrigued.
“Yeah with his sister.”
“So you aren’t together?” he asked.
“No.”
“I’m disappointed baby bro,” he said and I threw a textbook at him.
During my break I headed over to the corner store. I wouldn’t have time to make cake like I’d planned, so I was hoping to find cupcakes. All I found was apple pie. I got an apple pie, candles, a card, and a six pack.
From there work went impossibly slow. We were starting to clean up when the front door opened and I got excited only to see that it wasn’t Dean. Daniel, who was filling in for Ian, went out to tell her were almost closed and then he was calling for me. I went over to the girl. She was wearing ripped jeans, a Nirvana tshirt, a red and orange plaid coat, high tops, chewing a large wad of gum, and had green streaks in her blonde hair. “I’m Jo,” she said and I nodded slowly. “With Dean. God he didn’t even tell you my name? What an ass,” she gripped and sat down on a chair and started picking at her nail polish.
“Oh,” was all I could think to say.
“Yeah he sent me in cause he had to get gas and didn’t want you to think he forgot. So here I am. You almost ready?” she asked and I nodded.
“Just gotta get my coat,” I said heading back into the kitchen. Taylor and Becca raised their eyebrows. “His sister,” I stated getting my coat and bag. I went back out to Jo after saying goodbye to everyone and then lead her out the back door. “So I’m Cas,” I said awkwardly as we waited and she nodded.
“Yeah he said that,” she said leaning against the wall and wrapping her arms around herself.
“So where are you from?”
“Nebraska. You? Or are you from here?”
“No I’m originally from Texas. I came here to get away from family.” I said and she nodded.
“I like it here, but I don’t know if I could ever leave my mom permanently since it’s just her and all,” she said.
“So how old are you?”
“Sixteen. Why? How old are you?”
“Twenty-one,” I told her and she snorted.
“Yeah okay. Whatever you tell yourself to get you through the day,” she laughed.
“I’m serious!” I protested and she laughed harder. She sounded like Dean. I was relieved to hear the rumble of the Impala’s engine in the parking lot.
“I hope she didn’t bother you,” Dean said pulling up besides us and I shook my head. “Good. In the back little girl,” he added and Jo stuck out her tongue at him and we got in. “What’s in the bag?”
“Well … I was gonna make you a cake but my brother got in the way and I ran out of time, so I got pie. I hope that’s alright. I know it’s not cake and it’s kinda your birth-”
“Cas stop. If I could I’d eat pie all day every day. I love it way more than cake,” he told me and I grinned.
“It’s true. It’s a miracle he isn’t a fatass,” Jo called from the backseat and he rolled his eyes.
“Stop being grumpy because I’m sending you home tomorrow, it’s my birthday, have some respect!” he told her and she rolled her eyes this time.
“Ash wouldn’t have sent me back,” she grumbled. “And it’s not your birthday.”
“Too bad you came to see me then and it’s close enough,” he teased and she kicked his seat making him squawk and threaten to pull over and make her walk. I was laughing hard by the time we finally parked.
We headed up to my apartment and sadly I could hear the 80s pop from the first floor. Dean looked at me and I sighed. I opened the door to find Gabriel putting finishing touches on a batch of cupcakes. He grinned.
“Welcome! You must be Dean-o and is this your sister?”
“Yeah …I’m Dean and this is Jo …” Dean said and Jo went over and sat on the couch.
“He’s a baker and taking his cupcakes to a thing tomorrow,” I explained and Dean sat by Jo.
“You’re a good painter,” Jo commented and I blushed.
“I hate doing flowers though,” I said looking at the half done tiger lilies. I chose them for the orange. It was my favorite color … although lately I’ve been falling in love with different shades of green.
“You’re always so critical,” Dean mused.
“At least he talks about his art with you,” Gabe added and I shot him a look. He chuckled to himself.
We spent the rest of the night drinking and eating pie and talking loudly over Gabe’s music. Jo kept trying to get beer and Dean wouldn’t let her. Then we played a shitty game of charades. We sang to Dean and he cut the pie his way. Half for him and half for us three.
Around 3 am Jo was asleep on the couch and Gabe was in my bed. I sat on the floor next to Dean eating another of the cupcakes Gabe messed up on.
“Your brother seems nice,” Dean said and I rolled my eyes.
“He’s not mean or anything, but he’s obnoxious and annoying and does whatever he wants and messes with things and people and he loves teasing me and anyone he can,” I explained.
“I bet you were at the short end of the stick being the baby huh?”
“Yeah have no idea,” I said. “I have so many terrifying memories from torture he put me through. We were once at a Laundromat and he shut me in a washer and wouldn’t let me out until he left. I was five.” Dean laughed and I glared. “Hey I was traumatized!”
“Shh they are sleeping,” he chuckled and covered my mouth with his hand. My breath caught and I felt my cheeks burning. He grinned. “I can imagine it was. I bet you were crying and sobbing, but it’s still hilarious.” I frowned and he moved his hand.
“You ever do stuff like that to Sam?” I asked and he shook his head.
“I mean yeah I teased him endlessly, but nothing cruel like that. I guess it’s cause I spent a lot of time looking out for him. Half the time he had his nose buried in a book and would almost walk into oncoming traffic if I didn’t stop him.”
“Bet that was stressful.”
“You have no idea,” he laughed. “He used it to cope though. So I let him off the hook. Our dad wasn’t around much because he absorbed himself in work after my mom … and for a while we were raised by a friend of our dad’s. Sam hated that and changing schools a few times and just being a stupid teenager and all that,” Dean laughed quietly and I nodded. His laugh was forced. “I have another brother you know.” He said quietly and I looked at him in surprise.
“A real brother or like Jo?”
“Real. He’s a half-brother and he’s like 12 or something. It was a one night stand but in 1995 they got married and came to live with us. I have no problem with him, but he gets there and he’s five and I’m sixteen? There was no way I could really care.”
“Oh,” was all I could say.
“Sorry,” he said with a smile. “I’ll change the subject. Don’t you have class in the morning?” I groaned and shook my head.
“Not going. I’ll just go to work.”
“Bad Cas,” he teased and I stuck out my tongue. “Alright, alright, but I’m gonna shower now and sleep. I’ve got things to do before art.” I nodded and stood. At least for the next two weeks they were working with a female nude before I was going to be naked again. “But first here I’ll pick Jo up and can you undo the couch?”
“Yeah no problem,” I said and he picked her up and I pulled out the couch and got blankets and pillows before going into my room.
I sat on my bed glad Gabe didn’t snore and listened to Dean take a quick shower and then lay down and go to bed. I finally lay back and stared at the ceiling.
“I bet he can read you like an open book little bro,” Gabe mumbled making me jump. I thought he was sleeping.
“Shut up,” I muttered and turned on my side and fell asleep.
The apartment was empty when I woke up. There were two notes taped to the coffee pot and a coupon for a free drink at the Roadhouse. I figured that was from Jo. The note from Gabe said that he’d gone to the conference thing and he’d be back late. The note from Dean said he’d pick me up and take me to the school for work.
I sighed and got cereal from the cabinet. As I was pouring milk into the bowl I heard meowing at the window. It was Chuck’s, who lived above me, cat. He was a big grey tabby with bright blue eyes. He’d started coming into my apartment because I’d open the window when I painted. I let him in and set a bowl of water out for him and gave him a treat. His name was God. When Chuck first told me I’d asked if he thought it was disrespectful and he’d shrugged and told me until he met God it might as well be the name of his fluffy grey cat.
I scratched God’s head and then went back to my breakfast and he settled onto my lap. That’s when I noticed something on the couch. There was a duffle bag. Specifically Dean’s duffle bag which he normally took back out to the car with him when he left. But he didn’t. I refused to look into it. Instead I picked up God and went to sit on the couch. It’d be wrong to open the bag …
I sat there staring until banging on the door startled me and God jumped off my lap. I hurried to the door. Dean. He grinned and came inside.
“I thought you had things to do?” I said confused.
“Yeah it’s almost 1:30. I finished them,” he said. I hadn’t realized it was that late. “You have a cat?”
“Mmm it’s Chuck’s cat. He just visits time to time,” I said and Dean nodded. I wandered over to the coffee pot and poured the cold coffee over some ice and drank it. I also gagged and he looked at me in alarm and I shook my head. “It’s nasty.” He laughed. Dean sat on the couch and I made my way over to him and sat on the other end. There was still a little time before work, and I really, really wanted to kiss him. Right now it was perfect and relaxed and his lips looked so inviting and I was pretty sure I was panting and the more I thought about really wanting to kiss him the harder I was starting to get. I picked up God instead. “How was getting Jo on the bus?”
“Hard,” he laughed. “She’s so stubborn. Her mom is going to lay into her, but it never stops her from doing what she wants. Her hair was their last big argument.”
“She was nice and a lot like you,” I told him and he shrugged.
“When Bobby, who is kind of our uncle, well when he took care of me and Sam we saw Jo a lot and she was always trying to keep up with us, especially me.”
“How long did he take care of you?” I asked and Dean thought.
“Mmm I was eight when we arrived and we only stayed a few weeks. Then in 90 we were there for almost three years. Most of it was my dad didn’t have a stable job and he tried dragging us around with him, but with school it was hard. In 94 he got a stable job again though and we moved back to the town I grew up in; Lawrence. Then he got remarried and all that. What about you? You said you lived with your grandfather for a while right?”
“Yeah,” I could sense that he didn’t really like talking about his past. “He lived with us until he died when I was eight. By then Michael was eighteen and working and our legal guardian. The five of us moved into a town house and it was crowded and I hated being the baby, but it that bad.”
“Five?”
“Oh well me and my two brothers, then Balthazar and then there was Mary who didn’t really live with us, but once she was eighteen she moved in with us because her household was a mess. She also helped with like rent and cleaning and stuff. And I always needed a babysitter they said,” I rolled my eyes. My brothers had been so annoying and treating me like I was five until I graduated high school.
“Oh … Mary was my mom’s name,” Dean said and I nodded. There was silence and he fiddled with the hem of his shirt. I wanted to ask what happened to her, but knew this probably wasn’t the most appropriate moment.
“I don’t really remember my grandfather,” I said to turn the conversation back on me. “He was my mom’s dad and I can’t even really picture him. He was in a nursing home, but left to stay with us. Michael said our other relatives wanted to take me and split us up because of the age difference, but grandfather didn’t want that. He was a concert pianist. I can’t remember his face, but I can hear his playing.”
“Do you know what your parents did?” Dean asked and I nodded. Most of the stories I got out of my grandfather, but a few were from Gabe and Michael.
“My mom was a concert cellist and my father designed concert halls. He was an architect.”
“So where did the painting and cooking come from?” he asked.
“Well my grandma, my mom’s mom, spent a lot of time drawing and painting and sculpting and every one in my family has been good at cooking. I’m pretty sure it comes more from my dad’s side of the family though. But Gabe’s baking comes from our mom,” I explained and Dean nodded.
“You know a lot,” he said and I agreed.
“For never having really met them yeah,” I said and there was more silence. I stroked God. “Are you going to stay here again tonight?” I blurted out and he grinned.
“I figured you’d need someone to protect you from your brother.” I smiled.
“Thank you,” I said quietly and he stood.
“Now go get ready for work,” he said and I gladly got up and disappeared into my room before I was overwhelmed with happiness. I set God down and pulled on a pair of jeans and a tshirt and then grabbed my sweatshirt and shoes.
When we got to the studio he went ahead and took his seat while I set up the podium for the model Clarissa. She was taller than me and had long legs and dark brown hair. After getting it set up, Mrs. Sheppard came in and started the class. I took a seat on the stool in the corner and flipped to a fresh page in my sketchbook. I’d never painted a nude model, but I’d drawn them before and I found women easier because they are more soft curves as opposed to harsh lines. I sketched out her legs and began work on her arms when I found my eyes drifting over to Dean.
He sat hunched over his work chewing on the end of his pencil as he drew lines with charcoal he borrowed from the girl next to him. I decided I’d offer him my art box next time. I watched his fingers drum quietly against the table top and then he stopped to push his sleeves up again leaving long lines of charcoal on his forearms. I watched him go back to drawing, twirling his pencil now. I had to remember to keep my mouth shut and turned my attention back to another fresh page and started sketching Dean.
I started with his jaw and then worked on his eye. I formed his nose before placing long eyelashes. His lips were easy, full and plump. I added a touch of stubble and s light shading of hair before moving to his neck and Adam’s apple. Then his shoulder and his shirt collar and I worked my way to his hand. His hands were perfect. His fingers were long and his nails were well kept. The more I stared the more little details I started noticing. By the time class was wrapping up I was adding a smattering of freckles to the sketch. I shut my sketch book quickly.
“I have a new hatred for charcoal,” Dean muttered as he scrubbed his hands and arms in the sink. I tried not to laugh.
“Yeah it’s a pain in the ass,” I said playing with the strings on the hood of my sweatshirt. He kept muttering and gave up after getting about two thirds of it.
“Wanna rent a movie?” he asked and I shrugged.
“I don’t really know what’s around. I haven’t been to the movies in forever,” I said and he laughed.
“We could get a classic or something or just watch TV or nothing. We don’t have to do it.”
“No we can.”
“Alright good because I’ve been dying to see Ocean’s Eleven,” he said as we put our coats on.
“What’s that about?”
“It’s a bunch of guys who are gonna rob one of the casinos in Vegas and they set up this huge scheme so that they don’t get caught. It’s got a lot of good people in it.”
“Okay,” I agreed and we headed out.
I loved the movie. I loved it and so did Dean and I couldn’t help but feel a little special that we got to share this moment. Gabe right at the end of it though so I couldn’t relish in the moment apart from in my head. Gabe complained about the window being open and didn’t notice God in my lap. Dean had to stifle his laughter. Then he told me the short version of how the convention or whatever went and how he got a shitton of praise for his cupcakes from top of the line bakers.
“We’re going running in the morning baby bro,” he told me as he got ready for bed. I scrunched up my nose.
“It’s fourteen degrees out. There’s no way,” I grumbled. He made me run with him all while I was in high school and that was enough.
“We are,” he said and I rolled my eyes and sank down on the couch. Luckily he went into my room and shut the door.
“Don’t give me puppy eyes I’m not running,” Dean said and tossed the throw pillow at me. I pouted and he started hitting me with the pillow until I was laughing.
“Fine. Fine!” I surrendered and he sat back.
“Are you going to show me what you drew?” he asked and I shook my head.
“Are you?”
“Not a chance Cas,” he said and I sighed.
“Just a peek?”
“Mmm nope. Maybe another day,” he offered and I groaned and he just grinned at me.
“You suck,” I whined.
“That I do,” he almost whispered and I watched him lick his lips and my heart jumped in my chest. I had to stop staring at his lips.
“How’s Sam?” I asked and he shrugged.
“I’ve called him a few times but he’s usually up to his eyeballs in work. He’s also got this friend I can’t stand, but she’s apparently in the same program and I think Sammy likes her.”
“He ever had a girlfriend?” I asked and Dean nodded.
“Surprisingly yes,” he joked. “It was casual and they went on little dates and held hands and kissed each other goodbye. He’s still a virgin though. I kept pushing and he said he wasn’t losing it in high school even though he really liked Jess. Ruby, that’s his friends, sounds like the complete opposite of Jess though so who knows what’ll happen,” Dean explained and I nodded.
“And what about you?” I asked nervously.
“Nope, no girlfriends,” he smirked and I rolled my eyes.
“Boyfriends?”
“I had one. It was like a two date thing and then there was Al and well, I guess there were also some random hookups, but nothing really serious.”
“Who’s Al?” I asked. He shrugged.
“I don’t talk about him,” he told me and before I could stop myself I blurted out,
“There are a lot of people you don’t talk about.”
“I know Cas, trust me I know, but I’ll tell you in due time. I usually make a point to avoid these deep conversations.”
“We can stop and I can go to bed …”
“Cas. Really? You think I’m going to let you off the hook without answering?” I rolled my eyes and flopped back.
“I was a quiet little shit in school. Part of it comes from kind of being alone at home with my siblings so much older. I also guess having your brother have to come to parent meetings and stuff messes with kids you know? I got picked on, but didn’t really care. I was outed by my best friend freshman year and it hurt, but again I was so absorbed in my own world that I didn’t care as much. For a while at least. Sophomore and junior year were hard, really hard and not academic wise, but that’s when I really got into painting and senior year I had a boyfriend. He broke up with me because I decided to go to culinary school instead of like a college.”
“I hate that. Whether you go to school or not shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t make you any more or less intelligent,” he ranted and I gave him a small smile.
“You’re the first person to ever tell me that,” I admitted.
“It’s true. School doesn’t do bullshit about your intelligence and all it does is sink people into debt and there’s no room for life or to grow as a person once you are trapped in the real world in some mediocre job.” I nodded. Those were my feelings exactly and yet I was pushing myself past my limits with school.
“So how did you come out?”
“Well I always knew I was gay, but I have this bad habit of, as Sam calls it, flirting with anything with legs. In high school everyone assumed I was bi and Sam finally asked one day and I told him the truth and his only condition was never let him catch me having sex,” he laughed. “Eventually my dad figured it out, but we never really talked about it. What’d your brothers think?”
“I think Michael knew all along, but he paid more attention to me like a parent might? But he was just like whatever. It was Gabe and Balthazar who wanted to have some celebration or something insane. They … I don’t even know if they know what sexual orientation means, but with the number of people, especially Balthazar, they’ve slept with well they couldn’t really judge you know?”
“Yeah, I think my dad was always hoping I’d change my mind. I was so intent on keeping the peace between him and Sam though there was never much time for us to argue until it came down to school and not wanting to be a Marine.”
“Your dad and Sam don’t get along?” I asked.
“Not really. They are too much alike and there is underlying anger and partial abandonment issues on Sam’s part. They butt heads a lot. They fought about Stanford endlessly even though he got a full ride.”
“Wow,” was all I could say. There wasn’t much arguing on my part. I usually got mad because I was being teased, but Michael and Gabriel would fight. Most of the time when they went out Balthazar would take me out of the house. Even in the middle of the night. That was his redeeming quality because I always felt sick when they were fighting and I’d curl into a ball and hope to disappear or something.
“Yeah…” he said and picked up God.
“Are you going tomorrow?”
“Yeah, but I’ll come back,” he said and I nodded. “You should go to bed Cas.”
“Not tired,” I said and he raised his eyebrows. “I’m not.”
“Your eyes betray you. After years of putting Sammy to bed I know that sleepy look. Go on, go get all snuggly in your bed.” He said in a baby voice and I grimaced and he laughed.
“It’s hard to get comfortable with Gabe taking up more than half the bed,” I muttered without thinking. “But I can survive,” I added quickly before he thought I wanted to sleep out here with him. Even though that is kind of what I wanted. I didn’t want to scare him away with that.
It was 17 degrees and I shivered as I ran trying to keep up with Gabe. “Are you sure you aren’t with him?” Gabe asked for the third time.
“Fuck off,” I hissed trying not to let my teeth chatter. We were running to a hot chocolate stand ten blocks away. I couldn’t feel my legs. Gabe laughed.
“What do you like about him anyway? He’s kinda jocky. I mean yeah he’s pretty and those lips, but what is it bro. Come on I need something to tell the others?” I glared at the back of Gabe’s head.
“He’s free,” I said quietly. It was the lamest answer I’d ever heard and immediately regretted opening my mouth. But I couldn’t put into words all the reasons I liked Dean. He was like a painting. There were too many components.
“What was that bro?” Gabe called and I rolled my eyes.
“He’s nothing like you assholes!” I yelled back and he laughed.
After running I dragged my easel into the middle of the living room. I then showered and took a nap before I got my paint and brushes ready, changed into my painting clothes, and put on a mixed tape. It had classic rock, opera, a few pop songs, a heavy metal track, and a handful of other songs. I found sometimes I needed specific music to paint, but more often than not a mixed tape put me in the best mindset because the variety kept me on my toes and changed the dynamic of what I was feeling and painting continuously, which I appreciated.
I screamed when ice cold fingers grabbed the back of my neck. I turned to find Dean with a huge grin on his face. “I called your name and everything and you were too absorbed,” he explained and I narrowed my eyes. I glanced at the clock to see that I’d been at it for almost four hours. I turned back to my painting. I had gotten a lot done. Then I felt his chin on my shoulder. I tensed up. “I like it,” he murmured and I shivered cause his breath tickled my skin. His breathing sounded so loud in my ear. I chewed on my lip. “Hungry?” he asked startling me.
“Yeah I guess,” I said not remembering when I ate. Probably before my nap. I think.
“Go wash paint off and we can go to the McDonald’s on the corner,” he said and sat on the couch.
“Gabe is leaving tomorrow,” I said quietly as I washed my brushes.
“Yeah I know,” he said and I turned to look at him.
“Are you?” I asked staring into his eyes and hoping I didn’t look like I was pleading him to stay. But all he did was smile and shrug.
“We’ll see.”