Slightly Bruised and Broken From Our Head on Collision

When I wake up my face hurts and I can’t remember where I put my bag, I turn to see Jack and wonder why my heart hurts when I look at him. He wakes up to see me looking at him and tilts his head slightly, quizzical. I smile, kiss his cheek and get up to go and get changed. I look back and he looks kind of sad, but I push it away and hope that today can just be a lazy day. My skull seems to be vibrating and my head fucking hurts, and honestly I do not want to go home. For Jack, Alex or just not wanting to see your parents? I ask myself. I lock myself into the en-suite for the second time in two days, get my pills and dry swallow them. I jump in the shower and have the quickest shower I think I have ever had, I get out, dry myself, tie my hair in a braid and get changed into skinnies and my Nirvana t-shirt. I walk downstairs and hear Alex and Jack talking I know I shouldn't but I sit on the stairs and listen.

“I’m scared she’s going to leave Lex...” my heart clenches, Jack thinks I’m leaving? Or is he talking about someone else?

“I doubt she will dude, she’s only just got here like a month ago.” Alex sounds tired. Only just got here, obviously about me then.

“No I mean me; I’m scared she’s going to leave me. She’s been acting weird every since I introduced her to everyone and I’m scared she thinks we’re going to fast or something. I just want her to realise that I love her and that she can be comfortable around me. I don’t think she noticed that I saw her scars. I'm so scared Alex, if she can't tell me about her past, why would she ever want to see our future? Can you help me help her Alex? I need her to love me.” Jack’s voice sounds rushed and I wonder if he’s ever shared this before.

Alex just sighs and I guess he nods or something because I hear footsteps and then what sounds like a hug. I walk downstairs heavily so they can hear me.

“What’s for breakfast because I’m hungry and like pancakes?” I shut down at them, I wince as it echoes down to them and makes my head hurt. But I smile, and hope they won’t notice I was listening. They break apart and smile at me and I’m guessing I got away with it.

“Pancakes it is” Jack says with a smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes. I hug him from behind as he turns the hob on and heats a pan and kiss his neck and go to flop on the sofa, but Alex gets there before me so I sit on his legs. He grunts but does nothing to move me, so I assume he’s comfy or just too tired. He looks so tired.

“Did you even sleep last night Lex?” he shakes his head and leans against my shoulder, I stroke his hair.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about Kyle.” he glances up at my face to see a reaction. And when he sees nothing he continues.

“I know it’s bad but he was a big part of my life, there was a time where he was a nice guy you know? And I love how you stuck up for me last night because he deserved it, but... I kind of want the old Kyle back before he got abusive, because he was sweet and he was the guy I fell in love with. And I know you don’t believe me because you’ve only ever met the Kyle after, but before he was the nicest guy I knew, with the beautiful eyes and he had the sweetest smile...”

He grins stupidly at nothing. “And we had this thing, at the end of phone calls, and instead of saying bye he would say “Stay Strong.” It was so... I don’t know. It was just so awesome that someone cared enough every-time. And I want to move on but, I seem to just be stuck on him... and I think I still love him, and that scares me.” He finishes and looks up with tear filled eyes.

I don’t say anything, carry on stroking his hair and just try to look understanding because honestly I’ve never been in a situation like that. How can you be in love with a person that hurts you so badly? What would make you turn round forget all they’ve done to you and go running back to them just to get hurt all over again? Why would you ever do that to yourself? Why would you kid yourself into believing they were going to treat you right just to be ripped to pieces by them? But he just leans further into my shoulder oblivious to my internal monologue, so I focus on the TV screen. I don’t know what I’m watching and I can’t concentrate, but honestly I don’t care right now because I have my boyfriend making me pancakes, my best friend falling asleep on my shoulder after baring his soul to me and no plans for the day at all.

About 15 minutes later Jack wakes us up for pancakes and Alex acts like an excited little boy I just feel groggy and horrible but I get up anyway, because pancakes. My stomach grumbles and I sit at the table, waiting for Alex to get his butt over here and stop getting in Jack’s way. When he finally does sit down Jack smiles and puts pancakes on the table for all of us and we start eating. It takes a while to eat through all of them but when we do I volunteer to wash up and so does Alex.

I start washing and he’s drying and putting stuff in the right places because honestly I still have no idea where anything is, even if he showed me before we left last night I can’t remember to save my life. We start a routine and I start wondering if Alex has even noticed that I’m not really listening to the music we have on in the background.
“What’s on your mind?” apparently he has. I just shake my head and smile at him. He looks kind of disappointed, but I ignore it and carry on concentrating on scrubbing a plate I've been washing for the past 5 minutes. He just puts his cloth down and looks at my face,

“You sure? Because even Jack’s noticed you’ve been acting weird so you know, it’s kind of obvious. And you can talk to me, I’m not going to like... tell everyone or make Jack split up with you or anything.” he looks so concerned it almost breaks my heart. I don’t know what to say so I just look at him and try to think where to begin. “Start at the beginning, explain why you came here and everything. I want to understand” He looks hard at my face. But it’s hard to start without having to explain my life story, so I tell him.

“it’s going to be a long story if you want to understand it completely and also I don’t think you should really tell other people as, well I don’t what people to judge me and if this changes your perception of me I’m sorry.” He just picks up his cloth and looks at me willing me to start.

“Pretty much my family has never been the best. As a child my father abused me, which is why I got so protective about the Kyle thing, and I grew up thinking I wasn’t good enough and my mother never telling me any different. I started cutting at 10 and I still haven’t stopped really. It’s been a while thanks to you guys but I’m not strong enough to completely stop. But anyway I tried my best to be amazing at everything to get them to pay attention but I realised that probably being rebellious was the best option but by then being good was programmed into my system. I got into smoking and drinking at the age of 13...”

This makes Alex look shocked and he looks like he about to butt in. I pause and I guess he changes his mind as he just says “and...?”

I continue “and by the time I was 14 I was doing weed at least 4 times a week. I was still getting good grades; I just never came home after school. The school started noticing that I was falling apart when I was only just turned 15, but they didn’t really do anything because I was still getting good grades. By the time they’d told my parents they couldn’t keep me at the school because they didn’t want their reputation going down, I’d tried to commit suicide 3 times. 2 overdoses of pills and alcohol, and 1 slicing my wrists open, my friends had to take me to hospital to get it sewn up which is the reason I have my scars. I was only 15. My parents didn’t really care what I was doing but they realised they had to get me into a new school, my mum gets drunk most of the time anyway so it took a while to get anyway with her. So we moved here and they got me on anti-depressions. Which is why I’m here pretty much, the day I walked into Jack was the day I was planning on chucking myself off of the Fan St. Bridge.” Alex again looks shocked.

“That is a long walk” he says his voice cracking, I just laugh.

“I’m used to walking; I used to walk 10 miles every day. But anyway I didn’t fall of a bridge which is why I’m worried, because I’m scared I only love him because he saved me, I don’t even believe in love! What if after a couple of weeks he starts seeing all my flaws and I realise I don’t love him as much as I used to and we split up. I honestly don’t know if he’d ever, ever, ever let me see him again and then I’d lose you guys too. And I can’t deal with that.” Alex looks kind of sad, and puts the last plate away. He holds my hand and gives me a hug.

“Thank you for telling me, I know that must have been hard. But honestly this morning Jack was worried that you would leave him.” I know. Alex smiles at me “you two will last for a long time, trust me.” he looks away but not before I see his eyes fill up and a tear fall. He wipes at his face, and I hug him and he leans his head on top of mine. I don’t know why he’s crying but I’m guessing it’s because of Kyle, so I keep him there until he runs out of tears. He pulls away and looks at my face with such intensity that it scares me, I about to say something but he looks deep in thought. He looks like he’s decided and steps towards me when Jack walks in. Jack looks confused and Alex snaps out of whatever trance he was in and turns away from me.

“Where is the home alone 2 DVD?” Jacks voice sounds like a child’s. Whiny and adorable. I smile.

“You’ve finished the first one?” he nods, and when I roll my eyes he grins “you checked your room?” he looks at me a frowns.

“I don’t think so, but I don’t remember when I last watched it...” I watch as he runs upstairs so check and turn to Alex and look at him. He looks back.

“I’m sorry I just... don’t worry it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to make anything worse.”

Alex looks ashamed of himself and I wonder why, we walk to the sofa and I start thinking. But my brains still slow from last night and it takes a while before my mind screams at me what was he going to tell you, is he getting back with Kyle?! But then the hand holding, the hugging and his head on mine comes rushing into my head, and i'm even more confused than before.

The TV screen is dancing as Jack runs downstairs waving Home Alone 2 round in his hand, I notice that me and Alex’s legs are tangled up on the sofa. But Jack doesn’t seem to care he just shoves the DVD into the player and sits on our legs and puts his arm around me. We look like a little family and I realise I love these two boys more than I’d ever love my real family. I don’t care what people say, I’d rather live here than ever go home.