Slightly Bruised and Broken From Our Head on Collision

I land on Jack’s bed and as it creaks I wince, then I remember where I am.

“We’re going to show you a song, and you’re going to join in. Alex wrote it a couple of days ago and it’s a bit rough... but it’s good.” Jack smiles at me and I look around and scan in the walls or lack of in this case. Everywhere you look the walls are full of posters of bands or pictures of friends. There’s a wall with a picture of me, Alex, Rian and Zack and on another wall a huge line of words in bold black letters saying “take a breath and let the rest come easy”. They seemed familiar to me and I couldn’t put my finger on why, so I just sat and stared at them while Jack and Alex bounced around finding guitars and shit. I was still sat there just staring when I got an acoustic guitar shoved into my hands and a capo put on the 2nd fret, I got taught some chords and told to repeat them except on the chorus. And then shown some more chords for the chorus. I got a lyric sheet shoved at me and highlighted lines which I suppose I was meant to sing, I smiled and looked up. They were kind of staring at me so I assumed I was looking in to space, I snapped back and smiled again. I strummed the first chords and look up to check I’m doing it right, they nod so I continue. Then Alex starts singing and my eyes start to sting, because that’s just what Alex’s voice does.

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes, starting making his way past 2 in the morning. He hasn’t been sober for days, leaning out into the breeze. Remembering Sunday he falls to his knees they had breakfast together but two eggs don’t last like the feeling of what he needs. Now this place is familiar to him he pulls on his hand with a devilish grin, he led him upstairs, he led him upstairs, left him dying to get in.

All three of us sing together

Forgive me I’m trying to find my calling, I’m calling at night I don’t mean to be a bother but have you seen this girl? She’s been running through my dreams and it’s driving me crazy it seems.

Alex sings alone and looks at me.

I’m going to ask him to marry me.

Even though he doesn’t believe in love, he’s determined to call his bluff. Who can deny these butterflies? They’re filling his gut, waking the neighbours, unfamiliar faces. He pleads though he tries, but he’s dying to get inside.

And as we sing together again my heart leaps because it double makes sense now and the lyrics seem to scream at me.

Forgive me I’m trying to find my calling, I’m calling at night I don’t mean to be a bother but have you seen this girl? He’s been running through my dreams and it’s driving me crazy it seems. I’m gonna ask him to marry me.

Jack sings this and for some reason it makes my heart drop.

The neighbours said she moved away funny how it rained all day. I didn’t think much of it then but it’s starting to all make sense. Oh I can see now, that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavour to find my whoever. Wherever she may be.

This bit’s all mine so I sing and put in my everything.

I’m not coming back I’ve done something so terrible I’m terrified to speak but you’d expect that from me. I’m mixed up I’ll be blunt now the rain is just washing you out of my hair and out of my mind. Keeping an eye on the world so many thousands of feet off the ground. I’m over you now I’m at home in the clouds towering over your head.

Me and Alex sing and for some reason Jack doesn’t join in.

I’ll guess I’ll go home now.

I’ll guess I’ll go home now.

I’ll guess I’ll go home now.

I’ll guess I’ll go home.

Jack looks at us both and he seems to be close to tears. I smile but it’s wistful because that is a beautiful song, and it seems to have pierced through my soul. Alex smiles and jumps up,

“That was so cool! That was so much better than I expected!” he smiles at both of us, seemingly oblivious to the fact that me and Jack just had a ‘moment’.

“Yeah, it was.” Jack agrees, but doesn’t smile and I’m scared it clicked with him as well. He might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I still don’t want to lose him, he looks close to tears and I glance at Alex to see his reaction. But he doesn’t have one he just sort of bounds around the small space putting guitars back, it makes my heart hurt to see Jack hurt and it hurts more when I reach my hand out to him and he pulls away. Alex catches that, and looks kind of scared for a boy who was only a second ago was bounding around and smiling.

“What’s up buddy?” Alex says quietly, Jack doesn’t even look up and mutters

“It’s about Kyle isn’t it?” Alex looks to me and back again

“What?” Jack looks up so fast that I swear it makes my head spin. He glares up at Alex eyes full of angry tears and I can tell he knows what’s happening, and my heart stops.

“You still love Kyle don’t you?” Alex’s whole body slumps forwards and he whispers through gritted teeth.

“He doesn’t feel the same Jack. And he never will.” Jack winces slightly and shakes his head.

“You’re still self-harming, aren’t you?” Alex nods his head nervously and looks to the floor.

“Anything’s better than this.” Alex’s eyes glisten as he says this, like it genuinely pains him to admit it. I can tell they’ve been here before and my heart aches for them as I see the look they share.

And as I look Alex’s slumped shoulders and Jack’s torn expression I know that I can’t have a heartbroken boy on my conscience. Not a heartbroken boy, a washed out mother and a father who’s falling apart. So I smile, and look at the writing on the wall. "Take a breath and let the rest come easy." So I do.

“Jack, I... I think we should go visit Kyle, they have something...whatever the fuck it is it shouldn’t be ignored. Alex, my precious little boy...” he looks a little alarmed as I clamber over the bed to hug him

“Don’t ever think you aren’t the most beautiful thing. You’re amazing and you should remember that throughout anything. And Jack. You’re... just Jack and that in itself is the best thing you could ever be. You guys are the closest things to family I’ve ever had and I don’t want that to go away.” Jack snorts/giggles and Alex smiles at me, I point between the two of them and we shuffle together and hug. I smile and wonder why this hurts so badly. You shouldn’t care this much.
And as we all return to our allocated sleeping spots and I stare at the ceiling from the ridiculously uncomfortable floor, I wonder why I’m hung up on this. Am I a homophobe? No, I was friends with Alex even after I found out that he was bisexual.

Because he’s “yours”? No I’m letting him go. I let him go.

Or did I?

-I said I’d never let you go and I never did, I said I’d never let you fall and I always meant it.-