Reinvent Love

I opted for gum instead of my usual cigarettes at the grocery store today. I just got on Jasper’s case for cocaine. It would make me feel like such a hypocrite to smoke right afterwards.

After paying for my gum and bag of caramel Bugles, I got back in my car and drove on over to the clubhouse of our subdivision. It was right next to the pool, park, tennis and basketball courts, and nature trails. The pool was like Ross’ second home. Shane was never here – always off at some rec center or rec field to play whatever sport. Jasper and I always hung out here. We were the real kids of the family. We’d have more fun at this little playground or on these nature trails than in the mall.

I got out of my car to sit on the swings that I was way too tall for and eat my Bugles while listening to some Tears for Fears. I was always more a Tears for Fears fan, and Jasper loved her Depeche Mode, but we both loved The Smiths. Jasper was more of an audiophile than me, if you could believe it. But we were different there, as well.

Jasper loved music, but she recognized that music was a pretty impractical thing to pursue as a career. She’s destined herself for some career dealing with med tech and playing music on the side. I loved music and I knew music was impractical and I didn’t give a fuck. I think Jasper’s only so set on med tech because she’s seen how disappointed mom and dad are with me and she’s a good girl – she wouldn’t do that to our parents if they’re already getting it from me.

Jasper was always the good girl. She was the only thing that brought out the good in me. I was surprised that she could find any at all. So, of course, when the world decided to tear us apart, Jasper listened. Jasper did the good thing. Jasper acted differently around me from our fifteenth birthday onward.

I don’t know what people thought was so wrong about us. All the little things we twins do. We hugged a lot. We always shared food but we didn’t like it when we touched each other’s food so we’d feed each other. If there wasn’t room for the both of us to sit down somewhere, Jasper sat on my lap. We could finish each other’s sentences. We could speak volumes to each other with one look. Twins, duh.

Then people decided that we acted “too close” and that it was “weird” and our relationship fell apart. Those fuckers. I missed my twin sister. A fucking lot.

We stopped…everything after that. Granted, she made more female friends once she stopped hanging out with me. She became a girly girl, just like the rest of them. My Jasper was one of those awkward tomboys and she was all around awesome because she never bitched about shit. She was like a guy but with boobs. Jasper now is…I don’t know, I don’t hang out with her all that much. I got into this band and that somewhat filled the hole Jasper had left. Somewhat.

Looking back, maybe we did act a lot closer than siblings usually do. But that’s because we’re not your usual siblings…we’re twins. People just don’t understand just how much we need each other. I don’t think Jasper understands just how much I need her…

I love how she bitched at me for never spending time with the family. She’s the one who’s always locked up in her room on her laptop doing I don’t even know what. She probably looks up porn all day. Well, no, that’s a guy thing. The point is, I don’t even know what she does with her time anymore, but she doesn’t have any time for us, either.

That was another sad day – when I had to move out of Jasper’s room. We didn’t mind sharing a room. That contained the messiness to at least only one room of the house. Jasper’s a pack rat and I’m just disorganized. Together, our room was complete chaos and only we could make sense of it. The carpet on the floor was out of sight because of all our clothes and papers and what have you. It was like navigating through a mine field – you had to watch out or you’d step on my hair gel, or her hairbrush, or my iPod, or her water bottle, or whatever.

Even at that point, though, we would just spend time with each other in the separate rooms – her room one night, then mine the next. We didn’t mind sharing a bed. We would lie awake for hours and talk about nothing, everything, the future, the past, the most trifling, insignificant matters to the meaning of life. Jasper had paper lanterns strung up in her room. I had a cool multicolored LED lamp in the corner of my room. We always fell asleep together with those lights on. She would fall asleep first and wake up last, though. It sucked when our parents forbade us from even doing that...

I forced myself to stop reminiscing. It just made me sadder, and it made me want to eat more, even if eating more didn’t make me any less sadder – a habit I had unfortunately picked up from Jasper. Someone sat next to me on the swings, so I self consciously adjusted my Ray Bans – a gift from Jasper. They were the kind of sunglasses you wear to a funeral, the kind that you wear when you don’t want anyone to see you crying.

I wasn’t crying…yet. But I was really fucking hurt. Jasper was doing hard drugs behind my back and I never knew. I felt like such an awful brother. I didn’t know that she hated me so much – that she hated me enough not to want to even spend summer with me. Summer was the ultimate good. Summer was the only time I had my twin sister back. I tried to think of what I did, or didn’t do, to make her feel this way, because the band was not the problem. The problem was between us and it was something else – I just couldn’t figure out what it was…

“Can I have some?” I blinked at the familiar voice and glanced to my side to see none other than Jasper herself. She dyed her hair when she turned sixteen, from the kind of dirty blonde I had to a deep brown. She didn’t like to tan much, either, as she got older. She didn’t look like my twin at all. The only thing we had in common was our eye color, occasionally.

I tilted the bag down and shook out some Bugles into her waiting hands. Jasper ate them one at a time. “John?” she said my name softly after a few minutes. I wordlessly held the bag of Bugles out to her again. “No, it’s not that. John, I… John, I’m sorry.”

I had threw my head back and laughed when I heard her say that, earning a slap from her. “Hey!”

“I’m being serious, alright!” Jasper cried out, frustrated. She hated admitting she was wrong, and I was the only person she would admit to. She hated apologizing to people, and she was trying to do what she hated for my sake right now… Twins to the end, I guess. “I’m sorry I said all those things. I know you’re just trying to be a good brother. I’m really sorry.”

I got up from the swing and stood in front of her. “Please, right now, all you’re thinking is, ‘Man, I hate him so much for flushing my drugs down the toilet’,” I sneered. I shouldn’t have said that. Jasper’s face absolutely crumbled.

“Why would you think that?” Jasper asked, her voice barely above a whisper as her eyes started to water. Oh, no. No, no, no, I did not just make her cry. Shit. Please, no. “A-All my other friends - their brothers fucking suck or, or they’re never around, or they’re an only child… You’re…John, you’re the best brother I could ever ask for, why would you think I hate you?”

Jasper self consciously covered her face as her entire body began to shake with silent sobs. Ouch, a clean hit to my heart. “Jazz. Jazz, please don’t cry,” I begged, getting down on my knees and trying to pry her hands off her pretty face.

“I love you, you fucking idiot,” Jazz snapped as she swatted my hands away. “You’re my twin brother; don’t ever think for a second that I don’t.”

“So… does this mean you’re coming to Jekyll with me this summer?” I asked hopefully, fist pumping when she dried her eyes and nodded.

“It’s the summer before we go to college, how could I say no?” Jasper laughed weakly, sniffling and doing her best to stop crying. Atta girl.

“I never take no for an answer,” I informed her, holding out my pinky to her.

Jasper stared at my hand for a moment before rolling her eyes. “Really, John? Really? What is this, fourth grade?”

“Just pinky fucking swear.” Jasper laughed and did as I asked. We spent the rest of the afternoon and bag of Bugles on the seesaw. Now, this – this idiot right here is my twin sister.