Serendipity's Diary

Diary Entry #12
Mood: Depressed
Date: Middle of the Night, God Knows When 2012

I woke up one night at about 12 am. I was sweating and crying. I couldn't breathe.

I'd had a nightmare.

I had always been a dreamer, but I could never remember having an actual nightmare, and I remember it better than any dream I've ever had.

I'd seen myself crying hysterically. I was standing in a... funeral home, hovering over a lifeless body.

I couldn't see. Who's funeral? Who's body?

Jessie. Jess was lying in that coffin, lifeless, white. Cuts up and down her arms.

I ran my hand over those scars.

I woke up then. I sat up in bed and then collapsed back into tears.

I sat bawling quietly, thinking of Jessie. I imagined those scars on my own body and cringed.

I pulled my phone out from under my pillow. I needed the one thing that could keep me sane: my music.

But what could I play? I realized that if I played any of the punk I'd been listening to, I'd only drive myself further into this feeling.

So, I tried to stop crying and played something happy. Taylor Swift or something.

But I still had the thoughts and I knew. I needed to write.

So I wrote this about Jess, for Jess.

Please Don't Leave Me

Please don't leave me, leave me here alone
To miss your voice at the other end of the phone.

Please don't leave me, leave me here to cry,
My tears are waterfalls, they never run dry.

Please don't leave me here, to fend for myself,
Because now that I have you, I don't need anyone else.

Please don't leave me here, leave me here to hurt.
When you're gone, our hopes and dreams suddenly turn to dirt.

Please don't leave me here, because I still feel the scars.
I prayed for you each night, wished on each first star.

Please don't leave me here to recreate those marks.
When you left it felt like you took that razor to my heart.

Please don't leave me here to pick up where you left off,
To feel guilty as if I didn't do enough.

Please don't leave me here to feel like it's my fault.
I feel like I'm not doing as much as I ought.

Please don't leave me here, to soak this diary's pages.
We have so much and we have quickly become sages.

Please don't leave me here to tell your parents I knew,
And there was nothing in this world I could do to convince you.

Please don't leave me here to wake up from the nightmares.
I wake in tears, half out of pain, half out of the scares.

Please don't leave me here to sing our song alone.
Whoever drove you to this was evil to the bone.

Please don't leave me here to see the God you don't believe in.
But while you're there, ask him to lift the weight that you just heaved in.

Please don't leave me, like you said you never would.
But it's happened before, how can I be sure if your promises are any good?

When I reread it, I realized that I'd spoken of Jess in the past tense.

When you left.

That was chilling and it hurt. A lot. That was my breaking point, the point where I knew that I would do everything in my power to make sure Jess was okay.

And with that said, I have only one request.

Jessie? Please don't leave me.

Searching for Serendipity,
Ryder