Serendipity's Diary

Diary Entry #38
Mood: Livid
Date: March 29th, 2012
I felt many emotions that night, but the two that stuck out? Anger and regret.

I was angry because of the echoes. One word circulated around that night: gross. I heard it from Rynaldi, I heard it from Liz. And every time I heard it, I wanted to punch something.

But I felt regret as well. I regretted not grabbing Chloe by her pretty little head and slamming it through the nearest wall. Better yet, I wish I'd thrown her from the damn boat.

I just wish I'd said something. She was attacking my friend and I kept my big mouth shut. I never stay quiet and I still regret choosing that moment to do so.

Remember my friend who did my hair for the dinner cruise? She came to talk to me when we left.

"So what did you think about what happened with Sarabella?" she asked.

"I thought it was nobody's goddamn business!" I answered. That was a word I never used, as a rule, but I was upset. And it slipped.

"I agree completely." she said. And with that, she walked away.

I was surprised. She and I had always butted heads. Mostly because I was too serious, too motherly. And now we were agreeing? It led me to believe that maybe my friends were smarter and more compassionate than I gave them credit for.

But not everyone shared our opinion. Later that night, I sat in my room and my roommates and I were going over the events of the night.

We danced around the subject of Sarabella until someone in the room just came out and said it.

"OMG, did you hear what happened with Sarabella?" someone asked.

"Yes," we all answered. I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to keep my mouth shut. I'd done it once that night, I could do it again.

And that's exactly what I told them. "I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to keep my mouth shut."

"Yes, please do." Rynaldi said. There was a sharpness in her voice that I didn't appreciate. When she reads this, she's probably gonna tell me that I'm wrong, but I can only write what I perceived. And my perception was that my friend wanted me to shut the fuck up.

I've come to realize that I have become the uptight "mother" of the group. The girls don't always like me, but most of them have come to respect me. They dislike me because I don't act my age. I am 30 at heart. I think that way, I act that way, I speak that way. And honestly? I hate that about myself. But I have forgotten how to switch that off. I can only hope that I am beginning to grow out of it.

So as I sat there thinking over the events of the night, I was surprised when London stated, "No, I like your opinions. What are you thinking?"

Yeah, right. I thought. Everyone loves how opinionated I am until they are on the wrong side of me and my big mouth. And then I remembered. London had been on the wrong end of my opinion. She hadn't taken it well, but she got over it. So maybe she was in a position to say something like that.

"Okay,,," I started. And then I decided. I was going to do what I always did. I was going to be completely honest and I was going to invite the other girls to do the same. Fun fact about me? I enjoy a good debate, as long as everyone is competent and they can give me a reason about their feelings on something.

I explained to the girls that I thought people made a bigger deal of the entire situation than was necessary. I waited for everyone to go crazy. No one really said anything. Except, of course, the ever-present and ever-opinionated, Rynaldi.

"It was gross!" There it was again, that word. Gross. Thank God she elaborated on her statement. "I don't care what you say, it was inappropriate for school."

...She was right. But something about the response to the situation still irked me. And I figured out what it was.

Maybe we can get into my opinion on gay rights and homophobia later. That was basically the end of that discussion.

We stayed up late that night, about an hour after lights out. We talked about our opinion of "the sluts." The girls gave what I considered half-assed answers. "The dresses were short... but they were cute." I told them to stop retracting their answers and say what they really meant. I really wanted to know what they were thinking. They looked at me like I was crazy.

"The dresses were short... but they were cute." They reiterated. I guess I will just have to wait for the day when one of my girls can come out and say, " I wish those bitches would put on some clothes." I'll just keep waiting.

I went to bed that night feeling better, but I knew that this thing with Sarabella was not going to blow over.

And I knew that if anyone did anything to upset her... I was going to ruin shit.

Searching for Serendipity,
Ryder