Serendipity's Diary

Diary Entry #57
Mood: Gah
Date: May 11, 2012
Okay, you guys are gonna be upset, so let's just get it over with. Let's examine the word that I have set as my mood.

Gah. Urbandictionary.com describes it as "either an expression of frustration, or an expression of surprise."

I describe it as a word you say when you don't know what to say when it's all completely, totally and perfectly fucked up.

On Friday mornings, I don't carpool with my friend, so I walked alone. When she and I walk together, I let her choose the door we walk in through. Today, as I walked alone, I pondered which door to walk in through. I could walk in through the one right next to Ryan's locker or to one further down that enters right next to my locker. And yes, I do this every Friday morning.

I chose the first one. It was closer.

As I entered, I saw one of Ryan's friends dramatically counting coins into his hand. Although he is usually standing next to his locker, today he was standing more toward the middle of the hallway. I didn't quite realize that, so I ended up passing by close enough that we would have brushed shoulders.

"Hi," he said, as I passed, waving. I smiled and waved, pushing my hair behind my ear.

Can I just say... I... imagined that happening. I had been thinking to myself, I bet I walk by and he says hello. That would be amazing. And he did! The perfect start to a Friday.

So after that, can you blame me for thinking the rest of my day would go exactly the way I planned? Yes? Too bad. Because I thought the rest of the day would be perfect.

It wasn't.

The grade below us had another day of testing, so our schedule was messed up again today. When they finished testing, we used Bell Schedule B, which makes us go to all of our classes in backwards order, meaning that I had chorus first.

Now imagine how happy I was. I was going to sit next to Ryan and Jessie and pull out my (sister’s) phone and show off the pictures of me in my dress. But once again, my plan was messed up, because we sat on the risers today. And Ryan sits on the other end of the risers.

Okay, I’m going to tell you how the conversation went in my mind.

I would be like, “Hey, Jess, wanna see the dress I’m wearing to the dance?” And she would be like “Yeah!” And Ryan would be like “You’re going to the dance?” And I would be like, "Uh-huh. Are you?" And if he was, he would be like, “Yeah," And I would smile and be like, “Cool,”

But if he wasn’t going… I would say, “You going?” And he would be like, “No, but I wish I was,” And I would be all, “Really? And why is that?” And he would be all, “So I can see for real how amazing you look in that dress,” And I would be all “Well, there’s always next year *wink*,” And he would fall in love with me right then and there and this whole chase would be over.

And I am not dreaming! This could happen… maybe… sorta… kinda… almost… not really… someday. Okay, it probably wouldn’t happen, but you know what? I’m gonna dream anyway!

But I didn’t get to show Jess my dress and it didn’t matter. Because it is 7:18 as I write this. And the dance started eighteen minutes ago. Translation: I’m not there.

See, what happened was… I went at my break to go and buy my ticket today because they were supposed to sell until this afternoon. But they were sold out. That sucks.

So I guess it all worked out in a completely, totally, perfectly fucked up way.

But it’s okay, I’ll live. And the rest of my day was completely and totally uneventful, other than a game I played with Belle. It was originally titled “Things That Suck Ass.” I came up with that. Give me a break, we were both really upset. After a while it just became a game of “Things I Really Hate.” We had a blast, laughing at each other’s answers and complaining about things that pissed us off.

When the day ended, I walked out of my first period class (because of the messed-up schedule) and to my locker. I put away my math book and stood to leave.

“Hey, Ryder,” Belle was behind me. “Walk with me,”

She and I walked together out to the carpool loop and out through the side door, where Ryan and his friends stand every day. Not that I pay attention…

Anyway, as I walked past him, I was putting my earphones in and I walked close by him like I did this morning. I could see his eyes on me and I passed. And I so desperately wished he would ask what I was listening to or pull one of my earphones from my ear, both things I absolutely despise. And he looked like he wanted to, but he didn’t.

Of course there’s always tomorrow’s Carowinds trip. He can try to talk to me and I’ll make a point of saying that I only take my earphones out for special people. And if I’m lucky, I’ll sit across the aisle from him… hopefully. And everything will be fucking perfect.

Pray for me, guys. I hope I get through tomorrow alive. Carowinds—and Ryan—here I come.

Searching for Serendipity,
Ryder