Serendipity's Diary

Diary Entry #59
Mood: Anxious
Date: May 14, 2012
Today my schedule went back to normal. And so did my… thing with Ryan. That is to say, he led me on for a minute, having me following his every move. And while I was following him, he let me fall off a cliff.

And let’s be honest? That’s what I’m hanging on to, right? I am in love with the thrill of being played with like the next desperate, boy-crazy bimbo. What have I become?

Maybe I should stop thinking these things through so much. And just do something about it. Either way, I’ve got to make a decision about this. And I’m gonna make it today. In this entry.

So I guess I’ll just talk about my day. Before I walked into Lit. Studies, I went to the restroom. As I walked into the room late, I saw Ryan standing next to the door. I smiled and waved, walking to my seat.

And the class went on a little longer. Finally Ryan walked over to where my friends and I sat. “Hey guys,” he said. We all said hello, except for Ryn, who had her music on and was asking a question about the Latin translation she was working on.

He was trying to get her attention. “Rynaldi,” He said her name two or three times.

“Rynaldi,” I said, calling her name. She looked up and I pointed over my shoulder at Ryan. He waved and joked, “I know your name,” Ryn laughed.

“Really? Are you sure about that?” she asked. God, why can’t I be as quick-thinking as she is?

“Of course I’m sure, I know all your names,” he answered.

“Is that right?” she asked. She pointed at Janie who sat next to me. “What’s her name?”

“Janie,” he answered. Ryn pointed at me next, smiling. Ryn, I swear, I thought. You say something and I will not be a happy camper. “What’s her name?”

“Um… Ryder,” he answered. Um? Um? I really should smack him. I mean, what’s with the hesitation? All that sing-songy bullshit and all he can come up with is um? I hate him.

But I just smiled. I should’ve said something, but I didn’t. I kinda wish Ryn had said something. I can only imagine.

Of course you know her name. That’s definitely something she would say. And he finished with the other girls at our table, ending with Janie asking, “What’s your name?”

He seemed to hesitate for a moment with that one too. So cute but not so smart, is he? “Ryan,” he answered and we all laughed. And he walked away. And Ryn smiled at me knowingly. But she has no idea what's going on my mind.

Nothing of real importance happened in chorus. Except Jessie is trying very hard to be nicer. And I am forever grateful to her for that. But here’s what I think. I think it’s time for the decision I have to make.

I think Ryan is a flirt. Took me long enough to figure out, right? But watching him talking to the other girls just made me think: What if he doesn’t like any of us?

Today was the first time I really saw him talking to Tia (remember her?) and that was only for a second. But what if he’s still hung up on her? After all this time.

The way I’m still hung up on him. It’s been months. I’ve had a crush on Ryan since before Christmas, I think. I’m going to estimate... September.

September... October... November... December... January... February... March... April... May. Nine months, at least. Ups, downs, twists, turns. My love life has been a fucking roller coaster.

Oh, shit. I’ve been crushing on this guy for nine months.

So here’s what’s going on. Today is Monday, May 14. My birthday is on Thursday, May 24. That gives Ryan eight days. After that there are only seven more days of school. If nothing serious has happened before then...

I’m letting go. After that day, Ryan goes from serious crush to just someone that’s fun to look at or interesting to talk to sometimes or just someone to “flirt” with for fun.

That’s right. I’m giving it a deadline.

And I promise I’ll be fair. I’ll try to make it more obvious for him. But if he doesn’t pick up the hints, he’s on his own.

Because I’m determined to keep my word this time. And as the days dwindle and I watch him talking to every other girl, part of me says, Quit being a wimp and just do it! Say something! And part of me says, Do what? What could you really do?

But I can now agree with myself on this: I need to spend my last three weeks in this school year letting things fall into place.

And I realize that I haven’t addressed one of these to him in a while. Ryan, if you feel anything for me, you better do something. And fast.

You and I are both running out of time, time we’re not going to get back. And time we won’t know what to do with anyway.

Searching for Serendipity,
Ryder