Serendipity's Diary

Diary Entry #66
Mood: So Happy and Yet So Sad
Date: June 1, 2012

Today was our last day of school. I woke up and thought, This is it. If I don’t do it now, I’ll never get the chance. It has to be today.

Well... Seeing as this will be my next to last entry, I think it’s only fitting that I address this one to Ryan. So, here we go.

Today, we had a chorus performance that no one knew about except me and one of the other girls. So she and I went searching for people to perform on our hall.

We went to find Zoe and she didn’t want to come and then we found you.

I walked to the door and all of the guys who were standing close by stopped to look. Including you.

I pointed. “You,” I said, getting your attention.

“Yeah, wassup?” you asked. I explained our situation and you didn’t want to come either. So the other girl and I left.

As we arrived back at the classroom to tell her we would be the only ones performing, an announcement went out over the intercom telling all chorus students to report to the room. The other girl and I were the only two who were dressed. Everyone else had come dressed normally, but we needed them for the performance.

So everyone filed in complaining and questioning. When quieted down, we warmed up. We were to have two performances, one at 7:45 and another at 9:00. Before we performed, Marcus held his arms out and I hugged him. I knew I would miss this if I didn’t. It still hadn’t really dawned on me that it was the last day of school.

We performed and left.

Later while passing in the hallway, you told me “I’m not going back.” I laughed and walked past. You weren’t the only one. Zoe didn’t want to go back for the second performance either.

We went outside for a while. One of my friends asked if she could throw your football one time and you reluctantly handed over to her. She threw it and it actually wasn’t a bad throw. Your friend threw it back and you missed it.

You pretended to be hurt and I could see your eyes flit over to me. I smiled and it made me think back on when you used to show off for me in the beginning. It was quite nostalgic. And it felt good that you were doing it again.

Rynaldi and I had discussed it. If I didn’t tell you before the end of Literature Studies, she was going to do it. But after thinking about it for a while, I’d decided that she had to do it. I just couldn’t. I knew I would screw it up.

So I told her it was her job. After a while, it was time to go to the second performance.

“Zoe, we have to leave now!” I told her. “Okay, bye!” she said, her way of letting me know that she would not be joining me.

So I left alone, although I didn’t want to. I considered going to get you and it would’ve been a great opportunity to tell you. Just me and you walking alone. But you’d seemed adamant on missing the second performance.

So I walked on my own and went to the second performance. When we finished, I went back to class. And after a while it was time for sixth period, Lit. Studies.

We all sat in the class and Mr. Travesty suggested that we play a game of Monopoly.

“Banker!” you shouted, reaching for the paper money. But Rynaldi grabbed it first. “No, I’m going to be the banker,” she said.

So we all stood there for a little while, waiting for everyone to get ready to play. “Ryder, you didn’t come get me!” you said, talking about the second performance. “You said you weren’t going!” I told you.

“I never said that,” you said to me. I reminded you that that was exactly what you had said. And you told me that I should’ve come to get you anyway. Yet another missed opportunity.

“Right now,” Rynaldi said to me. “Tell him now.” I told her no and laughed. But this would be a good time to drop some hints and maybe even tell you. So I thought about it. But after a while you walked away.

“Hey Ryan, you playing?” I called after you. Did I really just do that? Nice, Ryder.

“No, I’m not,” you said. “K.” And I watched as you walked to sit in a circle with all the other guys in a corner in the room. Our game started and dragged along. And it halted altogether when you walked over. “Hey will y'all sign my yearbook?” you asked. And everyone looked at me. I continued to sing along to the music that was playing in the background and pretend that I didn’t see everyone staring.

You walked away as we passed it around. “Do it now! Write it in there!” Rynaldi told me. I told her I wasn’t doing that and she told me that I needed to write something.

I considered writing “chorus buddies” to write the opposite of what you’d written in mine, but decided against it.

In the end I signed:
Gonna miss you! XOXO, Ryder <3 There. That should work.

Rynaldi took it and wrote next to it:
& truth is, I’ve liked you for a while.

She tried to figure out what else to write and neither of us could figure it out. So before I could change my mind, she signed it herself and handed it to one of the other girls to take to you.

Rynaldi and I ran out of the room. “Mr. T, we’ll be back!”

We ran into the bathroom laughing. And that's all we did. For like two minutes. “Ryn, can I curse just once?”

“Of course, you know I don’t care,” she answered.

“Oh. My. Fuck.” And I definitely repeated that about twenty times. “Oh my fuck, oh my fuck, oh my fuck,”

And Ryn left. “I won’t make you go back in there,” she said as she left. “I’ll send someone to talk to you,”

And she sent one of the other girls to talk to me and she convinced me to go back in to the room. She informed me that when I’d left the room, you’d read it and said, “Whoa!”

As I entered, no one said anything. And after a while, I left again. I could hear that everyone was now surrounding you in the corner, asking what you were going to do about it.

You know my friends tell me everything and I thought the conversation that happened when I left the room was just adorable.

So I disappeared to go hang out with Sophia and Rosie. At least, that was my cover-up. I was actually avoiding going back into that room.

Meanwhile, in the Lit Studies room, my girls were talking to you.

“So, how do you feel about all this?” Ryn asked.

“I plead the fifth,” you answered. When Ryn told me that, I laughed. It reminded me of something that had happened about a month ago.

I’d showed Rynaldi a picture that said,
You really love him, don’t you?

And then underneath in smaller letters:
Just a simple psychological question. No names were mentioned, but someone popped into your mind.

After reading the question, she’d answered, “No, I don’t.” And I’d told her she was lying. She’d responded that “love” was a strong word. Then she turned the question on me.

“What about you, Ryder? Who popped into your head?”

I responded laughing. “Ryder’s not gonna answer that question on the grounds that she might incriminate herself,” And we’d laughed about it.

I thought that was funny. But anyway, that answer wasn’t going to work for Ryn.

So Rynaldi apparently asked you if you liked me, and you said no.

And then one of the guys asked you and you said yes.

And then Rynaldi asked again and you said maybe.

Sweetheart, do you ever give straight answers?

Anyway, everyone continued to talk.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna say!” You were apparently saying. “I don’t want to make her upset!”

…Me? Upset? It's so sweet that you were worried about that. You really don’t know me very well, though. Hmm…

We’re gonna have to fix that.

So Ryn told you to be extra nice and London told you to hug me and say something nice. I kinda wish Sophia had been there. She would’ve told you, “Just kiss her!”

“But I don’t do feelings,” you’d answered.

I don’t know why, but that made me smile.

But as we left Lit. Studies, you were walking behind me.

“Ryder,” you whispered my name. I smiled over my shoulder and slowed down. I figured after everything that had happened, I owed you that much.

You walked up behind me and hugged me.

But not a real hug. One of those crappy, half-assed hugs where you put your arm around the person’s shoulder and squeeze them into you. “Goodbye,” you said. I touched your hand to acknowledge that you were hugging me and smiled.

What kind of hug was that? I thought.

But after you admitted your aversion to sharing your feelings?

It made me feel special.

And you walked ahead of me. I thought about calling you back, grabbing your hand, taking Sophia’s constant advice.

But I figured you were ending the conversation then. And that was enough for me.

When we got to chorus, most of the girls in the class began to cry. Which I could understand. It was our last day. And you hugged all your girl friends. Real hugs.

Whatever. I’m gonna take that as a sign that you have no feelings for them.

I, on the other hand, had told myself I wouldn’t cry. And it hadn’t quite dawned on me yet that this was really the end.

But it did eventually. As we left, I went to hug my chorus teacher. And as she gave me words of encouragement, I let the tears fall.

And I walked back to our hall, stopping to talk to one of my girl friends in the grade below us.

"Aww, Ryder, you're crying!" she said. And at that moment, you came running by, ignoring us both completely.

"Yeah, it's just all so sad!" And I hugged her and walked into the building.

As we walked out to carpool, everyone crowded in the hallway. One of my friends needed to give me her number, so she walked over to where you stood with your friends and grabbed a pen out of someone's hand.

"What are you doing?" you asked as she did that. And she used the pen to write on my arm. You stared, I guess.

I've stopped trying to read your looks. You always seem to have that same endearingly oblivious look on.

Unless you're smiling.

As everyone made their way toward the door you and your friends stopped and you mimicked the way everyone had cried.

I laughed. "Ryan!" I'm not sure if you had noticed I was there in the first place, but there it was again. Same oblivious look.

So we walked outside. One of my girl friends stopped to talk to you and then walked over to me. "Did you tell him?"

I nodded my head. "What happened?"

And I explained about "no, yes, maybe." She walked away and I thought she was going to socialize with everyone else.

A second later she ran back. "He said yes." My jaw dropped and I was so ecstatic.

I looked over in your direction and you were looking back, giving me one more glance at that adorable naive look of yours. No smile or anything. Which worried me then.

But only now do I realize. You'd just admitted in front of all of your friends that You. Liked. Me.

Wow.

Oh, did I mention that Ryn gave you my number? Of course, you don't have a phone, but apparently you're getting one.

So I decided to try my hand at interpreting your looks one last time.

I decided that this last completely unnerving look meant, "I promise yours will be the first number I text."

So I stood outside socializing. A guy that I hadn't talked to since the sixth grade ran over to talk to me. And it was funny because we hadn't talked all that much even then. I was surprised that he'd known my name. "Ryder, I'm gonna miss you!" he joked, leaning over and hugged me. "Aww!" I said, looking up. "You're so tall!"

And Marcus had hugged me twice more, picking me up off the ground. I kicked and laughed, digging my nails into his skin. Not because I was trying to hurt him, but because I really don't like being picked up.

But it was still just meant to be a sweet, friendly gesture and I laughed while keeping my arms around his neck, waiting for him to put me down.

I'm gonna miss it all. My slap fights with Marcus, you arguing with Jessie, the inside jokes. I think I'll even miss the times when Eric pissed me the hell off.

But I will definitely miss you most of all.

It was all so sad. Everyone was crying and hugging and talking. I couldn't believe I was really saying goodbye.

Finally, it was time to go. I watched for the last time as you walked away. Max Beerbohm once said, "All fantasy should have a solid base in reality." I guess I've finally got my solid base.

So, what's next for you and I? Well, it's hard to tell, considering we're going to different schools. And there's always the chance that you forget to text me. And what if you decide after a while that you don't feel the same anymore?

Well, until I figure it out... I plead the fifth.

Searching for Serendipity,
Ryder