Serendipity's Diary

Diary Entry #67
Mood: Nostalgic
Date: June 2, 2012
Well, it's finally arrived. The moment we've all waited patiently for, but so anxiously dreaded.

The end. Someone once said, "Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad. But it's the stuff in the middle that counts most." And that has been all too true with Serendipity's Diary.

I remember starting and wondering how it would work out. What if you found out, Ryan? Did I want you to find out?

And what if someone told you about my crush? Did I want you to find about that?

And now thinking back on it, I could've told you how I felt a while ago. But thinking back to the beginning, you were still hung up on Tia. In fact, there's the possibility that you still are just a little. One of your friends signed your yearbook, "Tell Tia you love her,"

I think that was before the whole situation with me. But it doesn't matter.

A while ago, you probably only thought of me as "Marcus's lady friend" or "that girl who's kinda cute, but..." or maybe you thought I didn't like you because I was always so shy around you.

There's no telling when you decided you felt something for me. You're pretty good at keeping a straight face.

And I'm looking back on all the times that I'd been looking at you and seen you looking back. I'm looking back on the times when you whispered my name. And on all the times when you'd sat on my left and tapped my right shoulder.

Hindsight is always 20/20. And the signs that I thought I saw really were there. But there were times when I wondered if I had a crush on you just because you were there. Just because I felt like I had to feel something for someone.

And then I realized that you were the only one I'd ever spent this much time or effort on. The only one.

But I also have to be honest. Not everything was wonderful. I remember Valentine's Day and those flowers for Tia. I remember the time when I turned around and Tia was sitting on your lap. I remember every time you'd talk to some other girl.

But this is supposed to be a happy moment.

And I don't know what else to say. You have my number. I can only hope that you don't forget to use it. And I'm sure you won't. Because if you didn't like me you wouldn't have said you did.

I know you well enough to know that.

And I could talk about my last fantasy.

I imagine us texting all summer until two in the morning. About absolutely nothing.

You're going to a school across town. In a completely different district. But unless you're moving, I'm sure you live around the corner from my new school because you used to walk home everyday.

So if you're staying, you could come to football games and different events at our school.

You'll probably play football at your new school, so I will go to see you play.

I get my driver's permit at the end of next year and my license at the end of the year after.

When we see each other for the first time, I imagine that you'll be taller, but not too much taller. So it will still be cute when I look up at you.

And you'll hug me, probably lifting me off the ground. And I won't care because I'll be so glad to see you.

And I'll finally get to take Sophia's advice. Just kiss him!

And things will work out.

But that's just a thought.

Well, I guess it's time to end this. And I've got the perfect way to do it.

But first, I started this because I had something to say, because I had a goal. One day I will tell him how I feel.

Mission accomplished.

Not much left to say. Except thank you to everyone who has given me advice and told me what to do. Thank you for putting up with my constant talk about Ryan and thank you for playing along.

Thank you to all my friends who made all of this possible. Especially you, Rynaldi. Thank you all for being just as excited about this whole thing as I was. All of this time.

And thank you, Ryan, for giving me another reason to want to be at school everyday. Thank you for making me feel something.

Thank you for making me melt.


I never liked you more than when it hurt to speak your name,
And I said this was my last, I'd never write of love again.
But I always got a rush whenever we would play this game.
I could chase you down forever, and yet still I feel no shame.

And I can't believe I finally let the words escape.
I kept them in so long I felt that my mouth had been taped.
And I hope that you and I never have to clean the slate.
Because this is a good place to start, even if we have to wait.

And I guess that it's no secret: I'll be waiting on your call.
I'll miss the way you said my name when we passed in the hall.
And I'm so glad that for once I can finally stand tall.
Who would've guessed that you would be the one to make me fall?

I signed the same each time, hoping that you'd see.
The question on my mind: was this to be or not to be?
And I hoped that I could refer to you and I as "we."
I will continue to search, search for serendipity.

I never hated you more than when it felt good to speak your name.
And this is not my last, I will write of love again.
And I want to feel another rush, I've finally won the game.
One day I'll tell you how I feel and I will feel no shame.

I finally told you how I feel, a new start to our little game.

Have a nice summer, Ryan. I'll be waiting for your call.

And it still feels weird addressing this to you, knowing you never read these entries. And I think I want to keep it that way. Let this be my little secret. A secret that I get to share with all my close friends.

And who knows? Maybe I'll continue writing a diary. But for now, it's over.

And I'll consider it a doorway to a new start.

Still Searching,
Ryder