You Need Me, Endlessly
Three
Three
“Kennedy!”
The whispered yell made me turn to see my brother sticking his head into my room with his eyes closed tightly. I giggled and put my notebook on my bed stand. “What is it Ryan?”
His emerald eyes opened and upon seeing me clothed he closed the door quietly behind him then ran and jumped onto my bed. “Kennedy, is it bad that I haven’t had a girlfriend yet?”
I looked at my older twin brother, yes older brother believe it or not, but only by a minute I tell you, and chuckled. “No Ry, everyone goes at their own speed and that’s ok. What made you ask?”
He looked down and started playing with his hands “Because some boys at school were saying I’m gay because I haven’t had a girlfriend.” At my scoff he looked back up and his eyes were starting to water. “But what scares me the most is the question, what if their right?”
I leaned over and brought him into a hug and stroked his short hair. “Ryan, it doesn’t matter what they think. If you don’t want to have a girlfriend it doesn’t make you gay.” I felt him stiffen so I continued. “And so what if they’re right? You’re still you.”
He pulled away and nodded wiping away his tears before he laughed quietly “Wow, I’m so pathetic.”
I shook my head with a smile. “But, that my brother, is what makes you so special to me.” I sighed and looked toward my sketch book “You’re the only thing that has kept me going.”
He frowned before hugging me once more and tucking my hair behind my ears. “Dad said dinner needs to be ready when he gets home.” At my grimace he looked towards the clock then pulled me off the bed and bounced towards the kitchen. “I’ll help; let’s see what we can come up with. I think Mrs. Murphy came and dropped off some things for us.”
“God bless that woman.”
At my statement he nodded “Amen sista!”
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“Ry stop! Dad comes home in five minutes and we have to have this place spotless!” I managed to yell out as he chucked another handful of frosting at me. I dodged just in time but groaned when I heard the clump land on the wall behind me.
He smiled sheepishly at me before surrendering and surveying the damage with me. We had somehow been able to complete the cake I had decided to make for desert while Mrs. Murphy’s casserole was warming in the oven. The counter was covered in streaks of butter and various food colorings along with the floor being covered in flour and baking soda that would billow up every time we took a step. I followed along beside my brother with a washrag and a towel wiping up the counter as he wiped up the floor.
We had just pulled out the casserole when the front door slammed shut and dad’s voice came booming from the living room. “I’m home, is dinner ready?”
I glanced at Ryan who had been setting the table. He rolled his eyes before mumbling “I’ll deal with him, just get the rest of the dinner on the table.”
I gave him a smile as he hurried out of the room. When the casserole, salad, bread, and drinks had been set I came out to the living room to see the rest of the family. “Dinner’s ready guys!”
My brother smiled and jumped up as dad wiped a tired hand over his face before groaning and standing up and following us back to the kitchen. “Did you get my beer?” At my nod he smiled and ruffled my hair “That’s my baby.”
I gave a weak smile and turned towards my chair shuddering as I did. I love my father don’t get me wrong, trust me, but it scares me how he can go from loveable to…not so loveable in a matter of milliseconds. It wasn’t so bad when mom was alive, it really wasn’t. I know that when I was younger he used to take medication or something but I haven’t seen him go to the doctor in a long time.
We had eaten in silence after dad had downed his fourth beer in less than ten minutes. Ryan cringed as dad slapped the table and belched in contentment. He turned toward me with a cold smile. “So, who dropped off dinner since I know you’d never be able to make it yourself?”
“Um Mrs. Murphy dropped it off.” I had started off strong but trailed off towards the end as his frown deepened.
He growled and shook his head. “You’re as pathetic as your mother was. No wonder she ran off.”
Ryan scowled “Come on dad –“
Dad glared over at his son and stood up knocking over his chair. “Come on what son?” He spit out the last part as he advanced on Ryan. I jumped up and grabbed another beer from the fridge quickly.
“Here Dad, how about I get you another cold one and you can relax from a tough day at work?”
His glazed eyes tried to focus on me but didn’t succeed. Instead he nodded and grabbed the beer on the way to the living room muttering “I do deserve a break.”
Ryan sat fuming in his chair, shaking his head as I walked back to the table to clear the dishes. “I could have took him! I’ve been taking a defense class and –“
I shook my head. “Ry, don’t. I have it under control, you –“
He stood up and grabbed his plate before I could. His voice was hard as he lowered his volume. “Kennedy, I’m the oldest, I’m the guy, and you’re my little sister for god sakes! I’m the one who should be standing up to him!”
I sighed and slumped into my chair. “Ryan you don’t understand --“
He turned and braced his back against the counter with his arms folded over his chest. “I don’t understand what? That ever since mom died, you feel like you have to fill her position in this family? That you have to keep dad in line so he doesn’t kill himself?” He took a breath and walked until he stopped in front of me and continued with a soft voice. “That you feel like you have to protect me because I’m the only thing left that you can hang onto?”
I sniffed and wiped the tears that were running down my cheeks. Ryan opened his arms and pulled me into a hug, smoothing my hair down and letting me cry. “I know it’s been the hardest on you. I wasn’t that old when the accident happened so I don’t really remember her as you do. But you can’t try and take on mom’s responsibilities! You need to focus on being a teenager and finding your way in life, not being an adult who takes care of a screw up drunk and another teen that’s just as lost as you.”
The TV went on mute and dad’s voice floated into the kitchen “I need another beer! Why wasn’t it here five minutes ago?”
I could feel Ryan tense and grimace as he pushed me towards the hallway. “I’ll get it; go do whatever in your bedroom. Got it?”
I nodded and headed towards my small room not willing to fight with Ryan any more. I grabbed at my homework and opened it in front of me on my rickety twin bed determined to conquer the math problem that I couldn't seem to get right. Sometime later a knock on my door pulled me out of my trance and Ryan stuck his head in. "Hey, just checking if you were all right. I didn't mean to upset you."
A shrug came from my shoulders as my head hit the wall behind me. "I know Ry, I love you."
He made a fake gag at me before smiling and trying to mimic my voice "love you too sis."
I snorted and chucked an extra eraser at him, which caught him right on the bridge of the nose because he has horrible reflexes. He gasped in pain and held a hand to his nose as I laughed softly. He glared at me before sticking his tongue out and shutting the door softly.
The setting sun threw warm rays of sunlight through my window and I watched mesmerized by the way the dust particles floated around in a dance. My mind wandered back to when mom was alive and would sit on my bed at night making up stories about how the twinkling little specks were actually fairies who were dancing for me like a lullaby to help me get to sleep. I felt my eyes start to drop like they always do when I watch them float around. They soon disappeared as the warm golden turned to a deep blue signaling night had come. My hands found my homework and pushed it onto my floor so that I could snuggle into my blankets. My mind entered the hazy zone one finds right before sleep and I had just enough time to think that I should change into pajamas before my eyes closed completely and dreamland took me for an adventure.
“Kennedy!”
The whispered yell made me turn to see my brother sticking his head into my room with his eyes closed tightly. I giggled and put my notebook on my bed stand. “What is it Ryan?”
His emerald eyes opened and upon seeing me clothed he closed the door quietly behind him then ran and jumped onto my bed. “Kennedy, is it bad that I haven’t had a girlfriend yet?”
I looked at my older twin brother, yes older brother believe it or not, but only by a minute I tell you, and chuckled. “No Ry, everyone goes at their own speed and that’s ok. What made you ask?”
He looked down and started playing with his hands “Because some boys at school were saying I’m gay because I haven’t had a girlfriend.” At my scoff he looked back up and his eyes were starting to water. “But what scares me the most is the question, what if their right?”
I leaned over and brought him into a hug and stroked his short hair. “Ryan, it doesn’t matter what they think. If you don’t want to have a girlfriend it doesn’t make you gay.” I felt him stiffen so I continued. “And so what if they’re right? You’re still you.”
He pulled away and nodded wiping away his tears before he laughed quietly “Wow, I’m so pathetic.”
I shook my head with a smile. “But, that my brother, is what makes you so special to me.” I sighed and looked toward my sketch book “You’re the only thing that has kept me going.”
He frowned before hugging me once more and tucking my hair behind my ears. “Dad said dinner needs to be ready when he gets home.” At my grimace he looked towards the clock then pulled me off the bed and bounced towards the kitchen. “I’ll help; let’s see what we can come up with. I think Mrs. Murphy came and dropped off some things for us.”
“God bless that woman.”
At my statement he nodded “Amen sista!”
-------------------------------------------------
“Ry stop! Dad comes home in five minutes and we have to have this place spotless!” I managed to yell out as he chucked another handful of frosting at me. I dodged just in time but groaned when I heard the clump land on the wall behind me.
He smiled sheepishly at me before surrendering and surveying the damage with me. We had somehow been able to complete the cake I had decided to make for desert while Mrs. Murphy’s casserole was warming in the oven. The counter was covered in streaks of butter and various food colorings along with the floor being covered in flour and baking soda that would billow up every time we took a step. I followed along beside my brother with a washrag and a towel wiping up the counter as he wiped up the floor.
We had just pulled out the casserole when the front door slammed shut and dad’s voice came booming from the living room. “I’m home, is dinner ready?”
I glanced at Ryan who had been setting the table. He rolled his eyes before mumbling “I’ll deal with him, just get the rest of the dinner on the table.”
I gave him a smile as he hurried out of the room. When the casserole, salad, bread, and drinks had been set I came out to the living room to see the rest of the family. “Dinner’s ready guys!”
My brother smiled and jumped up as dad wiped a tired hand over his face before groaning and standing up and following us back to the kitchen. “Did you get my beer?” At my nod he smiled and ruffled my hair “That’s my baby.”
I gave a weak smile and turned towards my chair shuddering as I did. I love my father don’t get me wrong, trust me, but it scares me how he can go from loveable to…not so loveable in a matter of milliseconds. It wasn’t so bad when mom was alive, it really wasn’t. I know that when I was younger he used to take medication or something but I haven’t seen him go to the doctor in a long time.
We had eaten in silence after dad had downed his fourth beer in less than ten minutes. Ryan cringed as dad slapped the table and belched in contentment. He turned toward me with a cold smile. “So, who dropped off dinner since I know you’d never be able to make it yourself?”
“Um Mrs. Murphy dropped it off.” I had started off strong but trailed off towards the end as his frown deepened.
He growled and shook his head. “You’re as pathetic as your mother was. No wonder she ran off.”
Ryan scowled “Come on dad –“
Dad glared over at his son and stood up knocking over his chair. “Come on what son?” He spit out the last part as he advanced on Ryan. I jumped up and grabbed another beer from the fridge quickly.
“Here Dad, how about I get you another cold one and you can relax from a tough day at work?”
His glazed eyes tried to focus on me but didn’t succeed. Instead he nodded and grabbed the beer on the way to the living room muttering “I do deserve a break.”
Ryan sat fuming in his chair, shaking his head as I walked back to the table to clear the dishes. “I could have took him! I’ve been taking a defense class and –“
I shook my head. “Ry, don’t. I have it under control, you –“
He stood up and grabbed his plate before I could. His voice was hard as he lowered his volume. “Kennedy, I’m the oldest, I’m the guy, and you’re my little sister for god sakes! I’m the one who should be standing up to him!”
I sighed and slumped into my chair. “Ryan you don’t understand --“
He turned and braced his back against the counter with his arms folded over his chest. “I don’t understand what? That ever since mom died, you feel like you have to fill her position in this family? That you have to keep dad in line so he doesn’t kill himself?” He took a breath and walked until he stopped in front of me and continued with a soft voice. “That you feel like you have to protect me because I’m the only thing left that you can hang onto?”
I sniffed and wiped the tears that were running down my cheeks. Ryan opened his arms and pulled me into a hug, smoothing my hair down and letting me cry. “I know it’s been the hardest on you. I wasn’t that old when the accident happened so I don’t really remember her as you do. But you can’t try and take on mom’s responsibilities! You need to focus on being a teenager and finding your way in life, not being an adult who takes care of a screw up drunk and another teen that’s just as lost as you.”
The TV went on mute and dad’s voice floated into the kitchen “I need another beer! Why wasn’t it here five minutes ago?”
I could feel Ryan tense and grimace as he pushed me towards the hallway. “I’ll get it; go do whatever in your bedroom. Got it?”
I nodded and headed towards my small room not willing to fight with Ryan any more. I grabbed at my homework and opened it in front of me on my rickety twin bed determined to conquer the math problem that I couldn't seem to get right. Sometime later a knock on my door pulled me out of my trance and Ryan stuck his head in. "Hey, just checking if you were all right. I didn't mean to upset you."
A shrug came from my shoulders as my head hit the wall behind me. "I know Ry, I love you."
He made a fake gag at me before smiling and trying to mimic my voice "love you too sis."
I snorted and chucked an extra eraser at him, which caught him right on the bridge of the nose because he has horrible reflexes. He gasped in pain and held a hand to his nose as I laughed softly. He glared at me before sticking his tongue out and shutting the door softly.
The setting sun threw warm rays of sunlight through my window and I watched mesmerized by the way the dust particles floated around in a dance. My mind wandered back to when mom was alive and would sit on my bed at night making up stories about how the twinkling little specks were actually fairies who were dancing for me like a lullaby to help me get to sleep. I felt my eyes start to drop like they always do when I watch them float around. They soon disappeared as the warm golden turned to a deep blue signaling night had come. My hands found my homework and pushed it onto my floor so that I could snuggle into my blankets. My mind entered the hazy zone one finds right before sleep and I had just enough time to think that I should change into pajamas before my eyes closed completely and dreamland took me for an adventure.