Never Again

“I’m leaving, Alex. My dad’s getting stationed in South Carolina. We have to leave in two weeks.” I was standing on his porch as I spoke, soaked from the sudden downpour that had occurred on my way over here. He wasn’t moving or speaking. “But that… you’re… what about…” I stared down at my stomach. “I’m giving the baby up for adoption. I can’t do this alone and you’ll be here or all over the world touring. I just can’t do this…” His face twisted in anger. “You’re such a bitch Abby! You don’t care about anyone but yourself! We could make this work, if you wanted to but you don’t! Just go. Just fucking go!” He slammed the door in my face. And that was that.

Three years later:

“Yes dad, I’m on my way home from school. I just finished my last class of the day.” I sighed as I walked out of the building, the blinding Summer sun hitting my face. “Dad, I’ll see you in like an hour. I need to stop by the grocery store and pick up some things for mom. How’s Delaney?” I smiled as I heard her giggle in the background. My dad laughed. “She’s fine. Driving her pop-pop crazy, but she’s fine.” I laughed. “Thanks for watching her today. It’s my last class of the year though, so I’ll have all summer with my little Laney-bug.” I was ecstatic about that. “I know. Hey! You know what I saw online today when I logged in?” I bit my lip, hoping and praying he wasn’t about to say what I thought he was about to say. “What dad?” I unlocked my door and slumped in, the leather seats burning my butt through my shorts. “All time low is coming to Charleston. You should go.” I groaned. “Dad, not again. Seriously he doesn’t want to see me. He made that clear the last time I saw him.” I cranked my car and turned up the air conditioner as high as it would go. “That’s because he thought you were giving up Delaney. You didn’t though and he has a right to know that.” I shook my head. “I’m not having this conversation right now. I’ll see you in a bit.” “Alright Abby, be careful and I love you.” “I love you too daddy.”

I drove in a trance and let my mind drift back over the last few years. I had told Alex that I was giving the baby up, but when it came down to it I couldn’t. I was missing him more than I’d ever like to admit and the baby was part of both of us. I just wanted what was best for everyone involved, honestly. The moment I laid eyes on Delaney, I knew I couldn’t give her away. She looked just like him and while that wasn’t the only reason I kept her, it did play a part. I fell in love with that little girl within moments of touching her. Sure, these last 3 years would have been easier had I given her to another family, but I don’t want easy. I just wanted her. I was thinking about all of these things, and the possibility of Alex being close by slipped my mind. That is, until I was in Walmart and felt arms ingulf me from almost all sides. “OH MY GOD ABBIGALE IT’S YOUUU!” Jack was screaming at me as he pulled me away from Rian and Zack and spun me around. I laughed. “Jack! Put me down.” I was getting dizzy. He set me back down and I hugged him properly. “Damn Abbs, you look good!” He walked around and looked at me from all sides as Rian and Zack agreed with him. I blushed and nodded. “Thanks. It took me forever to lose all that baby weight.” Jack grinned a little. “So, the baby…” I bit my lip. “What about her?” His eyes went wide. “Her? I thought it was a boy?” I nodded. “The doctors in Baltimore did, but when the baby was born it was girl. They said that they probably just saw a finger or something and thought she was a boy.” He nodded. “That’s cool. Do you ever see her?” My chest tightened. “I do.” Was all I said. Jack narrowed his eyes before grabbing me and pulling me into the girls bathroom. “What are you not telling me?” I sighed. “What do you mean? I’m not not telling you anything!” He shook his head. “I know when you’re lying Abby.” I bit my lip. “You have to promise to not tell Alex or anyone else for that matter.” He nodded. “I kept the baby.”

“You WHAT?!” He yelled. I covered his mouth with my hand. “She looked just like him Jack. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give her up so I kept her. Her name is Delaney Isabella Rae Orton-Gaskarth. He’s listed as her father but it’s not legal because he didn’t sign anything. I don’t want anything from him for her, I know he’s not ready for anything like that and I am not ready for him to know about her.” Jack shook his head. “You should tell him. He should know.” I chewed my lip. “I’ll tell him when I’m ready to.” Jack sighed and pulled me in for a hug. “Does she know about him? Or us?” I nodded. “She knows. She listens to you guys all the time. She even calls you Uncle Jack.” I laughed a little and his eyes lit up. “Can I meet her? Please?” I bit my lip a little harder. “I don’t know.” He begged. “PLEAAASE. I promise to come alone.” I took a deep breath. “Maybe. Give me your number and I’ll call you when I decide.” He jumped up and down as he put his number in my phone. “I can’t waiiiit.”

“Can’t wait for what and what the fuck are you doing in here—Abbigale?” Alex’s voice bounced off all of the walls, echoing. I almost got sick when I saw him. He looked amazing. His hair was lighter, he’d gotten highlights, and his pants were tighter but his eyes were the same. I hadn’t forgotten how gorgeous he was, but time had definitely numbed it down. My breath caught in my throat. “Hi Alex.” I said quietly. Jack wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “I ran into Abbs here on the way out. Sorry it took so long but I had a wardrobe malfunction and she pinned my pants back together.” He turned around to reveal a large hole in his pants that was indeed pinned up with safety pins. Alex seemed to ignore Jack. “How have you been? You look… amazing.” He closed the distance between us and pulled me into a tight hug. I was completely shocked. “I’ve been alright. You look great too.” He pulled away and stared into my eyes. “I was an idiot the last time we spoke. Over the last few years I realized that you were right. We were not ready for a baby and my life would have been completely different had we tried to play family back then. I can’t believe that I ran into you though. I have been wanting to apologize for years for my stupidity. I wrote so many songs about you.” I smiled and nodded. “I have to go.” I said as we exited the bathroom. Alex was still going on about how sorry he was and the guys were looking annoyed. “I was just here picking some things up for my mom and dad.” They all nodded and Alex looked really disappointed. “Let me at least walk you to your car.” I shook my head, remembering the small booster seat in the backseat of my car. “It’s fine. You came in here to do some shopping yourself.” He bit his lip and pulled me away from the guys. “Can I see you again? Please? I have some free time tonight after the show. I can come by your house and we can hang out for a bit and… talk.” I chewed on the inside of my lip. “Please? I need to talk to you.” His eyes were pleading. Those eyes, the same exact ones he shared with Delaney were the reason I agreed. “Alright. You can come by tonight. My mom and dad are going out of town anyways so it should be fine.” He smiled and hugged me. My heart stopped as his lips touched my cheek as he pulled away. I quickly regained focus. “You can get my number from Jack.” I smiled and he nodded. “I’ll see you around 12.”

I hugged all the guys and said my goodbyes quickly, trying to get home as soon as I could. Seeing Alex just made me miss my daughter even more. When I got home she was napping on my dad’s lap. I smiled and moved her to her bed upstairs before going back down to talk to him. “What took so long at the store?” He said as he started pulling groceries out of the bags. “Well it seems as if you cursed me earlier because what took me so long was the fact that I ran into Alex and the guys.” My dad laughed. “Did you tell him?” I shook my head. “He’s coming by later tonight… I’m going to do it then I think.” I sighed, starting to dread seeing him again. My dad must have picked up on this because when he finished putting the groceries in the cabinet, he put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me before kissing the top of my head. “You’re doing the right thing Abby.” I nodded. “I hope so.”