We Can Be Forever

“Congratulations, man, you rocked up there. You did it!”

It was as though the man was suspended in disbelief, staring at the crowd as though he hadn’t heard Carson announce his name. He truly did. After a year’s worth of hard work, countless of hours and days spent singing and struggling against what people called the impossible dream, he had done it. From day one, he didn’t think it was so hard to wake up everyday and believe that he was going to stay on The Voice, and yet, here he was, the ultimate winner.

He felt hard arms closed around his shoulders and realized it was his coach, Adam. This man has been with him every step of the way, struggling with every flaw in his voice. When they pulled back, a wide smile was on his face and words came from his lips, words only meant for him to hear, “Javier, man, you are just supernatural. I don’t even know where to begin. This is it. This is your start; from here on out, you are the boss!”

The three other coaches stood up and his friends, his rivals, all crowded around him, weeping tears of happiness for him and tears of their own. The crowd cheered for him, and for a second there, he truly believed his heart could burst from pure happiness.

This was it. He was getting his shot at paradise.



The cold air sliced at his arms as he zoomed down the Californian streets towards his apartment. He knew what loomed in his near future and it wasn’t pretty, but for some reason, he couldn’t wait to get there. Perhaps to get it over with as soon as he could and move on, or perhaps to confirm what he had always feared. Adam revved the engine of his motorcycle but no matter how loud it roared, he could still hear the pounding of his heart. The fear, the horror, the bleak knowing that when he arrived home…

“Anne?” He called out when he jerked the door open. His apartment was dark and everything appeared untouched except for one thing. He couldn’t smell her perfume and he couldn’t feel her presence anymore. She wasn’t here to leap into his arms and it was then that he realized she had meant it. Adam suddenly felt constricted, as if someone tied a rope around his heart and pulled it, meant to shatter his ribs and chest wide open so that his heart would be ripped right out of him. It wouldn’t matter then, he was already a lost man.

Good bye, Adam.
- Anne

The cursive handwriting was smeared with tears and yet he couldn’t bring himself to keep it with him. Instead, he ripped it up, throwing the pieces into the air as if they would vanish. He should have listened. He should have believed her when she told him that she felt lonely, that she wanted him home instead of being on The Voice, that she wanted to get married to him. But damnit, he wasn’t ready and he probably would never be ready, but if it was Anne, he should have given it a try.

He made himself walk through every room in his apartment, to be sure that she was truly gone from his life and didn’t want anything to do with him any longer. There were no traces of her clothes, the lacy lingerie she wore for him or the hair products and make up that would littered all over his bathroom counter. He couldn’t smell her scent anymore and the pictures of them… perhaps the cruelest of them all. They were left behind, the smiles and the kisses. It was as if she left them behind her, abandoning their memories and the very essence of what it was like to be Adam and Anne. The girl left behind in those frames, he could no longer recognize and he couldn’t bear to look at her.

Adam left himself fall onto the bed, but he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep when he could hear the moans and groans of their past lovemaking, when what was supposed to be a torrid affair became something much more than love. And now? Crumbled to nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. He reached for the phone and thought about calling her again, but he didn’t think he could stand hearing her voice telling him to leave a message.

He could look for her, he knew. He could find her within a moment’s notice, but she wouldn’t come back to him. This had been one time too many, the one time too many that he thought he could put his work before his most important person and now he was paying for it. God, why did it hurt so badly? He didn’t think he ever had to come home to her not being there. He had become so dependent on hearing her scream his name when he arrived him and her running and jumping into his arms as if he had not come home in years when he had only been away for weeks.

When the phone rang, he pressed connect, not bothering to find out who was on the other line, but he didn’t have to wait long before he heard his best friend, Jesse, say, “Hey man, are you home yet?”

“What do you want?” He didn’t mean to sound curt, but right now, he didn’t know if he could hold in his tears without grinding his teeth.

“Hey man, chill, what’s got your ass all tight?” Jesse responded defensively, “Late flight? Another fight with Anne?”

“She’s gone.”

That was it. They both knew what it meant. When Adam had said that, the two of them went back to the day when they both breached the subject of love. As best friends and guys, they didn’t like to fall into the sentimental phase for long, but eventually, they knew they had to give it a go just to get it out of the way. Adam, after the break up with Jane and drunk out of his mind, was about to throw up when he declared that if one more bitch broke his heart, he was done. When he woke up the next day, his hangover reminded him of that promise. As for Jesse, well, Jesse didn’t care for love. His music mattered as much to him as Adam did, having struggled with the thirty-two-year-old since the day they became best friends in high school.

He cleared his throat and lowered his voice, “Adam, you wanna go grab a beer?”

“No, Jesse. I’m going to sleep.”

Jesse didn’t like that voice. Adam’s voice lost its vibrant sound and was now a dead monotone, cracked and shattered beyond repair. The last time he was like this, Jesse had been around to rile him up so they can write a couple of love songs about his ex-girlfriend and get it out of his system… now, when Adam said no, he meant no. Jesse nodded, knowing that his friend couldn’t see him, “Alright… You know how to reach me.”

When Adam hung up the phone, he threw it on the floor before walking into his kitchen and grabbing a trash bag. He grabbed every single picture frame, every single abandoned memory, every single fucking reminder of her and tossed it in the bag. When it was heavy and full, he returned to his bedroom, opening the balcony door and before his mind even registered what had happened, the bag went over the railing. For a split second, he found himself reaching for the bag, making a last grab at those memories but he didn’t.

When he returned to his room, he looked around again. The room looked sterilized and devoid of human presence. When his eyes passed the closet, he hesitated for a split second before shaking his head. Grabbing his phone, he sent her the farewell message.

“I’m not going to look for you.”



He was pushing himself harder than before. Every time he placed his feet in front of him, he could feel his heart lurch out of his chest. The sweat was sliding down his face but he could barely feel it with the winter Californian wind against him. In a split second, he felt utter bliss. He had reached that runner’s high. He let his feet carry him away from the park and the next thing he knew, he was standing in front of his house, heaving his chest out to catch his breath. It has been a while since he let himself exercise and get away from the media, from being a host.

When he opened the house, he could smell his girlfriend’s pot roast and hear his son’s laugh in the living room where his mother was reading to him. He didn’t know if life could get any better. “I’m home, everybody!”

He made his way to the living room and kissed his mother on the cheek before her phone rang. Carson ruffled his son’s head, who had seemed too engrossed in the picture book to notice his father.

“Carson!” Siri poked her head out of the kitchen, holding the phone against her ear and smiling at him, “Would you please hold the fort down for a second? I gotta run upstairs to get something.”

He smiled, kissing her on the lips as he passed her along the way. Jackson saw his father enter the kitchen and stumbled after him, cheerfully screaming for his daddy until he was finally picked up. His light strands feathered his head and those huge chocolate brown eyes took up half of his face. Carson grinned, holding the boy up and kissing him on the forehead before running him around the kitchen island. He gave one last glance at the pot roast to see that it was secure before running out to the living room.

His mother was on her phone with a shocked expression on her face, a forlorn look in her eyes, and her mouth slightly agape. He had only seen Pattie Daly Caruso’s expression like that one time in his life and it had been when she found out that she had breast cancer. Siri was running down the stairs into the kitchen saying something incoherent about the burnt smell that traveled upstairs but Carson wasn’t paying attention. He was concerned about his mom. They had cried so much when they found out about her cancer and they both fought so hard against it. It would kill him if it had come back with a vengeance.

“What is it, mom?” he asked, sitting down in front of her when she muttered a soft farewell on the phone and hung up. She sniffed, biting her lips though she allowed her son to take her hand. “What’s wrong? Who was that?”

“That was Father Stevens, from Texas. He was telling me about Ruby. Linda passed away this morning.”

Carson took his mother into his arms, realizing what this news meant for the girl he had brought to California a while ago. Linda Luu had been his mother’s best friend, another person afflicted with breast cancer, only… she didn’t make it out alive. He remembered the day that he came into the hospital to see his mother in her shared room with the lady only to see a girl wiping away her grandmother’s sweat because she had been in pain from the chemo. When he had greeted her and got no response in return, he brushed it off at first, thinking that she was probably just shy and concerned for her grandma’s condition, but then he came to learn from his mother that the girl was deaf.

It was an ear infection that eventually took away the hearing from both of her ears. She had been singing ever since the age of five before it happened during her senior year as a high schooler and when she came down with a fever, she woke up one day from a nightmare, screaming to hear her own scream but distraught when she could hear nothing but silence. The girl had cried for days, unable to communicate with anyone except through paper. She could only stare from person to person, not knowing what they were saying and trying to read their faces. She suddenly became lost in a world without sound, a world without music.

To top it off, she was expected to cope without her parents, learning the ropes on her own from her grandmother. It was hard for him to believe it. Hear her sing, Carson. She’s amazing. The girl acknowledged his presence later when his mother tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to her throat and did the signal for singing. Ruby had blushed, looking over to him and shaking her head. She was clearly conscious of the presence of strangers in her present condition. His mother laughed and insisted upon it, telling her to sing a classic for the two old ladies. With a nervous smile, she inhaled and exhaled and took off her shoes before slipping into her elements, forgetting the people in the room while she sang. Before he knew it, there was a crowd outside the room, having heard her voice from down the hallway.

She was an orphan, living with her only other family member, her grandmother, because virtually everyone in her family had passed away. He could tell the two confided in each other. Linda would communicate with her using sign language and words, letting the girl read her lips and telling her to do the same so that she could preserve her voice. If his mother hadn’t told him about her condition, he wouldn’t be able to tell that she was deaf because she simply didn’t sound like it.

Almost half a year later when his mother was discharged, Linda and her granddaughter were leaving the hospital as well. It was a day memorable for their having survived cancer. They said their farewells and his mother promised to visit Texas and that was that. Without another word, Linda and Ruby had returned to Texas. When The Voice was premiering, he knew she was the first person he wanted to go see.

He arrived in Texas with his mother early on a Sunday, early enough to catch the grandmother and her granddaughter coming back from church in the rain. Ruby looked at him with surprise before glancing over to his mother and smiled at both of them. Linda hugged his mother before inviting both of them into the house. Linda told her granddaughter to prepare for them something to eat and Ruby scampered off into the kitchen to bake cookies. Carson didn’t remember much about what his mother had said that day, but he could never forget the words that came from Linda’s lips.



“It’s so nice of you two to visit us,” Linda smiled, holding his mother’s hand, “I was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten about us.”

“Of course not, Linda,” Pattie said, scooting closer to her best friend, “We are here with good news, of course. I don’t know if you watch a lot of TV or not but Carson has become a host for this new show…”

Linda eyed him with interest, congratulating him before waiting for his mother to continue, “Well, it’s a singing show and we all know how amazing Ruby is so Carson wanted to give her an invitation to audition. I remember how you told me that she has always wanted to sing and I, for one, think she’ll definitely grab the coaches’ attention and win it.”

The old lady blinked, not registering the information yet and looked over at him. Carson laughed before saying, “Mom, you’re getting too excited and confusing Linda. Let me explain how it is…”

When he had finished, Linda was silent, her head looking down at the glass of water that Ruby had brought out half an hour ago with the cookies. When the young girl was going to sit down, Linda signed something to her, causing her to look over at the two, mother and son. The young girl smiled before grabbing a piece of paper and writing I’m glad you two are staying over for dinner!" before she ran back into the kitchen with renewed energy. Linda finally spoke again after a moment of silence, “And you said that it means she has a chance at a career for singing?”

Carson nodded, reaching into his pocket to bring out the invitation only to see her shake her head. “I appreciate the gesture, y’all, but it’s just… I don’t know if I can bear to see her go through that. The whole world will know that she’s the way she is and they will ridicule her.”

“Linda, Ruby is special, she has a unique voice and she works hard. We all know that,” his mother grabbed the older woman’s hand. “Don’t you want her to live comfortably? With this, she has a chance to do what she loves and get paid for it. Both of you will live comfortably!”

When that was said, Linda wiped away a tear from her eye, “About that… a few months ago, I lied to you Pattie.”

“What do you mean, Linda?”

Carson felt the room grow cold and in the background, the fridge opening and closing. He could almost hear the words leave her lips before they did so. “My breast cancer… it was too late to do anything for me. I only have about a year left.”

Pattie let out a loud sob before bringing the woman into her arms and they cried together. Ruby poked her head out of the kitchen, as if ready to tell everyone that dinner was done, until she saw people in tears. She came out, going on her knees in front of the two old ladies, confused as to why they were in tears. She looked over at him, writing down the words, What’s going on?, on a piece of paper.

Linda grabbed the paper before she was able to give it to him and shook her head. She signed the following while saying, “Carson has some good news for you. I was just really happy, that’s all.”

She proceeded to tell the girl about the news before eventually concluding, “It’s up to you. Do you want to give this a go?”

Ruby shook her head, a dark fleeting memory passing through her eyes before she bit her lips, looking away from the invitation. Carson had not really anticipated that reaction, even knowing of her past. He opened his mouth to apologize when she stood up quickly ready to run off until Linda grabbed her arm, almost painfully and shouted, “NO. Stop running. I didn’t take care of you for seven years to help you get back on your feet to run away from your problems!”

The younger girl shook her head furiously, tears flowing down her face before she fell down on the ground, soft whimpers leaving her lips. She kept signing the signal for refusal before she looked over at mother and son and apologized wordlessly. Pattie held the young girl’s hand and squeezed, as though regretting her decision to come here until Linda signed to her granddaughter, “It’s your chance. It’s your chance to live your dream. Don’t let it go because of what’s happened to you. Don’t let it go to waste because you’re afraid of failure.”

Ruby wiped her tears away before going off towards the kitchen, leaving the room in silence. Linda sighed, wiping her tired eyes before gripping the invitation. Pattie gripped her friend’s hands before asking softly, “Why did you decide to change your mind?”

“Look at her. I didn’t realize until a while ago that all of these years of taking care of her, she has become dependent on me and it’s hard for her to grow that way. It really is. And with what’s happening to me… what will she do when I’m gone?” Linda stifled a soft sob. Carson sat there, unsure of what to do. He felt for the woman, he really did, but in such a setting where he was the only man in the house, he really did not know what to do.

He walked into the kitchen, watching as Ruby moved around, trying to distract herself from recent events. When she saw him, she mustered a small smile before turning back to the pot of soup. He called out her name at first but realized that she could not hear him, so he texted her. When she saw the text, she stared at it for a while before glancing at him and realizing that she couldn’t ignore him because he was standing right there.

Your grandmother really cares about you, you know. She knows how much you love to sing.

I know.

She doesn’t want you to waste your life away just staying at home and hiding from the world.

I’m not ready, Carson.

Not many of us are ready when we go against the world. Some are better prepared and others are simply blessed. And there are some, like me, who have to get by with what we have.

Where do I fit in?

He didn’t know how to answer that question. Carson bit his lips and shook his head as he grabbed her shoulder and said, “Ruby. You have a gift. Your voice is a gift. I can’t ever put myself in your shoes when it comes to what it feels like to be deaf but I do know that to do what you do with what you have, no one else can do that. That’s why I came here today. Your grandmother told me how much you loved to sing when you were younger and how much you still do because it’s in your blood.”

When she didn’t respond in any way, he continued, “Please, think about it. You’re twenty-five years old and you have so much ahead of you. Are you really going to let all of that slip by?”
Carson sighed and let her go. Now it was time for her to think. Now it was time for him to leave her alone and let her think things through. When he came outside, the two old ladies were no longer crying but smiling softly upon their talk of the memories of their time together at the hospital, always going against doctor’s orders because they figured that they didn’t have anything else to do while waiting to die from cancer.

When Ruby came out of the kitchen, a serene expression was on her face. Silence fell over the room when she kneeled by her grandma and allowed her grandma to sweep aside a lock of her hair. She held the invitation in front of her, staring at it and running her fingers over the words before she looked up at the older woman and said the words that did not sound in any way as though it came from a deaf person, “What about you? Will you be coming with me?”

“I’m too old to travel,” she responded, “I think you will be great at it.”

“Really?” Ruby looked to the mother and son for confirmation and they both nodded. A smile graced her lips before she nodded, “Thank you. I would like to take this opportunity.”

Linda took it from her and kissed her forehead before signing, “Go check the food. I think it’s almost done.”

“I’m glad everything is okay again,” Pattie squeezed her friend’s hand. Linda, however, still had a distant look on her face, as though peering far into the future.

“When I saw her face after she came out of the kitchen, I realized that I didn’t want her around me when I am in pain. She has to get used to being without me. I want her to be safe and taken care of when I’m gone, you know? This girl, she works too hard. Ever since my daughter was caught in that plane that went down, I could only thank God that she was too young to understand it all, but she has no one else but me,” Linda shook her head, “I want her to survive after this. She doesn’t know about this, Pattie. Please don’t tell her. I don’t want my grandbaby to stop smiling.”



“What was going on with your mother?” Siri asked him when they settled into bed later that night after tucking in their son. “Pattie seemed really sad and didn’t want to talk about it when I had asked her what was wrong.”

Carson sighed, leaning back against the headboard and cradling her shoulder as she snuggled with him. “You remember Linda? From a couple of years ago?”

“The Linda that your mom shared a room with at the hospital? Is she okay? She had a granddaughter right?” Siri’s face was now distorted with concern and Carson felt his heart swell at the blessing he had to find a girlfriend who was as caring as she.

“Yea, Ruby. Linda passed away this morning and now Ruby doesn’t have anyone else.” Carson sighed, kissing his girlfriend’s forehead as she rubbed his chest. “It scared me today, you know? When I saw my mother look like that, I thought that we’d have to go back to battling cancer but then when I learned that it was Linda who lost the battle… I realized how selfish I had been, worrying just about my mother and forgetting that there were others who are also suffering.”

“Baby, it’s not your fault. It’s normal to care about your mother…” She kissed his lips and leaned back down, listening to the heartbeat of his chest. “Don’t blame yourself for that, okay? You already have a lot on your plate.”

“I know… We had known about this last year when I came to get Ruby but Linda told us not to let her granddaughter know. I can’t imagine how devastated she must be right now. Mom and I tried to message her a while ago, but we didn’t get anything back. I just wonder if she’s going to be okay.”

“We should go pick her up.”

“What?” He stared at the woman in his arms, amazed at the compassion in her eyes as she stated what seemed to be the most obvious solution to the problem.

“If she has no one left, and no other family member, it’s logical that she should stay with us. She didn’t get to go to school, right? I’m sure there are choices for her here if she is interested in higher schooling.” Siri explained further, “I really liked her when she came to visit us. She didn’t just sing really well, she also reminds me of my brother.”

They were both silent at that point. When Carson met Siri, it was when he was at the restaurant, trying to communicate with the cook and ended up getting angry because the guy wouldn't pay attention to him and was getting flustered. Siri came in from the front and yelled at him for picking on her brother. From then on, their story began.

“You really mean that?”

“Of course. What she needs most is to be around people so they can take care of her while she’s most vulnerable. Do you want me to talk to mom about it tomorrow and we can try to contact her?”

Carson cleared his throat, trying to process all of this. He had been trying to figure out a way to help her but here was this beautiful woman, ready to take the young girl into their home with open arms. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun because Jackson had refused to go to bed earlier, opting to run out of his bath naked to play hide and seek with his dad instead of getting dressed. Siri chased him around, laughing and caught him, soaking herself in the process. Carson was only able to watch the two from afar, basking in his blessing.

“That would be wonderful. Did I ever tell you how much I love you?”

She smiled, kissing him on the lips. “Yes, but I do like to hear it a lot…”